Title: Catguts and Shoestrings
Author: tigermoth26
Feedback: nvc425@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Category: Humour
Archived: DJA, Heliopolis, TTC, FF.net
Pairings: none...more or less
Summary: Have you ever wondered what is with all the hype about relationshipping? Well here's your answer.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, neither is my sanity.
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Catguts and Shoestrings -
Kindly narrated by Tigermoth26 and The Muse.
~*0*~
LESSON ONE : THE DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIPPING - NO ONE EVER SAID IT HAD TO MAKE *SENSE*.
~*0*~
TIGERMOTH: In this lesson you will learn what a 'Relationshipper' is. A firm understanding of this term will be essential to future lessons. Mys-
MUSE: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait! .
TIGERMOTH: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I was in the middle of the introduction, you damned fool!
MUSE: Oopsie, my bad. Anyway, I was going to ask you, What *is* a Relationshipper?
TIGERMOTH: For fuck's sake, I was just about to *tell* them that, before you went ahead and interrupted! Now Sit Down and Shut Up!
MUSE: eep.
TIGERMOTH: As I was saying...
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To learn the definition of the term 'relationshipper', and all the various derivatives of the word, one must first break down the phrase into its basic elements.
ElementOne:
Relation (rel - ay - shun)
A being to which one has close ties. Maybe a shoelace, or a catgut....Also a member of one's family, or maybe even a casual screw. It also happens on the International arena, but in that case its screw*ed* not just a screw...Got it?
Element Two:
Shipper (shih- puh)
One who ships. A ship is a vessel which floats on water, flies through the skies, and sometimes looks like a boat.
A Ship*per* is one who is in the action of ship*ping* or, using a vessel of the sea or air.
Conclusion:
Therefore, if we place the two words together and form a hybrid, we are left with the phrase 'realtionshipper' meaning,
"A shoelace or catgut preferably having a casual screw while in the act of using a vessel of the sea or air."
It all makes perfect sense!
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MUSE: Uh...I'm sorry, Tigermoth, but what the *hell* kind of dumbass useless description was *that*?
TIGERMOTH: Erm...I don't know...but that's what it says in the dictionary, DAMNIT!
MUSE: Dude?
TIGERMOTH: What.
MUSE: You're a fool.
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~*0*~
LESSON TWO : GEEKY ANTHROPOLOGISTS
~*0*~
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MUSE: So who exactly *is* Daniel Jackson?
TIGERMOTH: How the hell should I know?
MUSE: It's *your* site stupid-head.
TIGERMOTH: Shut *up* you annoying figment of *my* imagination! You're really beginning to *shit* me. You know that?
MUSE: Oh, oh, well FINE biatch! I'll just let *you* tell the freakin story then shall I?
TIGERMOTH: yep.
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Daniel Jackson; Anthrolapologus geekiata dumbarsis
A rare species of the Anthrolapologus genus. It's parents were killed by
a large slab of falling rock when he was just a wee little boy.
He went through some stages of Badhairitis (a highly virulent form of the
disease Weedwhackus), but it all turned out *mighty* fine in the end.
Anyways, Daniel Jackson became involved with this huge metal circle
project called...oopsie, that's classified...and anyways, he got to go to this
SCHMICK planet called Abydos, where everything tasted like chicken.
On Abydos, he met his first wife, who, like most Abydonians, suffered from severe spelling dilemmas. She could'nt decide whether her name was spelt Sha're or Sha'uri. Well Whatever. Either way, Sha're'uri became infected with these evil thingymabobberjiggers called GOOOOOOOOOOOLDS ( spelt Goa'uld - unless of course your a stupid-head and spell it some other bizzare way).
Poor Danny, he was heartbrokified, so he came back to Earth and joined SG-1 to find and possibly free his missing wife with the spelling problem.
Guess what? It didn't happen. Danny-poos found Sha're'uri alright, but she'd decided to change her name to AMMERNIT (Amaunet) and tried to sizzle his brains with her Goa'uld egg-frying device. BAD AMOONET!
After this huge big scary Jaffa Shovel (Shol'va) dude called Teal'c managed to stop ARGHMYNUTS from making scrambled eggs out of Daniel by toasting her with his Magic Staff Weapon of Crusty Bread (ok I made that up). Daniel decided that he'd have to go find himself something else to look for, namely a Psychobaby called the HASEETHIS (Harcesis) Child.
Daniel Jackson managed to find the elusive, yet strangely luminescent baby, but was shooed away by some great big shiny woman named OH MY THE SALAD (Oma Desala).
Our valiant Anthrolapologusist didn't lose faith, however. He continued on his several random quests to other super-fun and happy planets, kicking a little butt here, saving some ass
there. It was an all-round super-fun happy time.
Then...one day, the annoying little HASEETHIS kid returned. He zapped poor
Danny in the head (what IS it with everyone and Danny-Bashing????).
Danny became an evil Psycopath, and took over the world. He was an obnoxious bastard. :)
So anyways, after that whole HASEETHIS AND HAVE A DODGY DREAM saga was over, Danny went back to his charming ways, ending up in the infirmary as frequently as ever, and annoying the hell out of the super-dooper (what an awful phrase...) Doc Fraiser.
More missions, more random Danny-Bashing. Then there was ROP (SWOONFEST!!!!) . I'll leave it there.
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MUSE: Whaaaat? You haven't even *sort of* gotten to the good bit yet!
TIGERMOTH: Point?
MUSE: You can't *do* that! What the hell is a ROP swoonfest? What happened after that?
TIGERMOTH: Oh, I see. Um, well a ROP is a scientific term for Ritus of Passagae. The one in which the Cassandra-Chick gets all spewey and makes horses float through the air.
MUSE: Trippy. But what is so Swoonfesteriffic about flying horses and vomit?
TIGERMOTH: What, you mean the bit where Daniel offers Janet a hand?
MUSE: Oooooooooh! He did that?
TIGERMOTH: Well yeah...like DUH.
MUSE: Okay okay. I'll let you get on with the next part. That's all I wanted to know.
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~*0*~
LESSON THREE: NAPOLEONIC POWER MONGERS
~*0*~
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Meet Doctor Janet Fraiser, Napoleonic Power Monger, CMO, SGC.
Like Anthrolapologus dumbarsis, Capitana doctoriae works for the SGC as the Chief Medical Officer. She may only be a Captain, but as the Great Teal'c once said; "In a medical situation, Doctor Fraiser's orders can overrule everyone." (more-or-less).
Anyhoos, the good old (well not *that* old...she's younger than Daniel. So...neener) Doc first appeared in The Broca Divide, in which several members of the SGC went literally ApeShit and nearly tore the whole place down.
Captain-Major-Doctor-Whatever Samantha Carter even went as far as to get down and dirty wih her CO, Colonel-I-Am-The-Biggest-Butthead-Jack O'Neill - Two - L's, unfortunately starting that whole shipper craze known as the SamAndJackRelationshipperTragedy
(Tigermoth ducks incoming projectiles).
So anyway, Janet Fraiser's very cool character blossomed and grew (now *that* is a cringeworthy phrase*), she adopted herself an alien named Cassandra, and saved the base an innumerable amount of times. She was tres impressive, n'est pas?
We even found out that she was once married, but has since been divorced. (I guess divorce doesn't *only* happen in England after all).
Either way, she had this one mightily good ep. Completely deovted to her, called Rite of Passage. It was damn good...the only thing missing was Daniel...who appeared for only a few select scenes at the end.
Oh well.
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MUSE: Is that it?
TIGERMOTH: Well...yeah...It's all that I can think of for now...Why, do you have something to add?
MUSE: Ummmm...nope...
TIGERMOTH: Well shut up then.
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~*0*~
LESSON FOUR : SHIPPY INTENTIONS - SEEING THINGS AS THEY APPEAR, AND THEN SEEING THEM FOR WHAT THEY REALLY ARE...
~*0*~
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TIGERMOTH: Now this is what Relationshipping is *all* about. Psychosis of the Masses. Folie a mille.
Don't even say a word, Muse, I don't want to hear it.
MUSE:
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Daniel and Janet. Janet and Daniel. Whichever way you may wish to put it, *they* are the essence of Shipperivity. Without their cute little catgut/shoestring interaction, the DanandJanielites would not exist.
We, the Shippers, have taken the not-so-obvious and pissbolted for the hills, broadcasting the truth to anyone who is willing to lend an ear.
It takes a very *intelligent* person to notice the connection between The Napoleonic Power Monger Captain Doctor and the Anthrolapologus geekiata dumbarsis and project those views.
There is *definitely* something brewing between them, that's for certain. Rite of Passage and 2010 are all the proof we need. For those of you who refuse to believe, all we have to say is "What? Are you BLIND?" And if you are blind...well...don't take it too harshly okay.
In conclusion, Daniel and Janet are MFEO! There is no denying it. We wouldn't go around writing fanfiction if there was nothing in it.
So NEENER.
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MUSE: Are we done?
TIGERMOTH: Yep. All done.
MUSE: Okay. I get to say the end bit.
TIGERMOTH: If you must...
MUSE:
THAT'S ALL KIDDIES!
The End.
TIGERMOTH: ...You didn't *have* to shout.
MUSE: Shut up.
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I'm done here - please r/r :) Tigermoth26