Buffy: "Go, Team Me!"
Riley: "Anyone ever told Team You the quarterback throws like a girl?"
Buffy: "I do?"

Xander: "I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing and jumping and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?"
Anya: "Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness."
Tara: "Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put."
Willow: "I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks."

Willow: "Game over?"
Riley: "Buffy slayed the football."

Xander: "The fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of the caveman."

Willow: "Ignis incende."
Buffy: "Willow, check you out. Witch-fu."
Willow: "It's no big. You just have to balance the elements, so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing... (rain starts) I didn't do it, I didn't do it!"

Willow: "There you go. All set."
Giles: "Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me."
Willow: "Just call me the computer whisperer."

Giles: "Start with those."
Willow: "Start? Where is finish?"

Willow: "Doesn't winter seem more like archiving season?"

Willow: "It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber-band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life."
Giles: "That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is get a life."
Willow: "It might go better if you left the house."

Willow: "Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?"
Giles: "Did that mean yes?"

Willow: "You're Buffy's Watcher. I mean, in a fired way..."

Willow: "But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball."

Joyce: "Now? It's 8:30."
Buffy: "Well, vamps don't really care what time it is. You know, dark equals dinner bell."

Buffy: "Who are you?"
Dracula: "I apologize, I assumed you knew. I'm Dracula."
Buffy: "Get out!"

Willow: "Xand, what if somebody has a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone...?"
Xander: "News flash, Will, everybody knows."
Willow: "No, this isn't about me and Tara."
Xander: "Oh, well. Not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty."
Willow: "Sorry, this is the non-naughty variety."

Buffy: "So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula, the guy, the Count?"
Dracula: "I am."
Buffy: "And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat."

Dracula: "You're known throughout the world."
Buffy: "Nah. Really?"
Dracula: "Why else would I come here -- for the sun?"

Dracula: "I came to meet the renowned killer."
Buffy: "Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so..."
Dracula: "Naked?"
Buffy: "Like I paint clowns or something."

Buffy: "Okay, that's cheating."

Xander: "Nice! Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy."
Dracula: "I have no interest in you. Leave us."
Xander: "No, we're not going to leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Von, two, three... three victims. Mwah, hahahhaha!"

Xander: "And then Buffy's all "Look out!" And then friggin' Dracula's standing right behind us."
Willow: "And then he lunges at us, like *whoosh*!"
Xander: "He totally looked shorter in person."
Buffy: "I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count Famous heard of me."
Riley: "I couldn't believe it the first 20 times you told us, but it's starting to sink in now."
Buffy: "I'm sorry. Am I repeat-o girl?"

Buffy: "He of the dark, penetrating eyes and lilty accent."
Xander: "I wonder if he knows Frankenstein?"

Tara: "You thought Dracula was sexy?"
Willow: "Oh, no. He, he was... yuch."
Anya: "Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing... yucko."
Xander: "How would you know?"
Anya: "Oh, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days. You know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective."
Xander: "Please. He was no big whoop."

Buffy: "No killing until we know exactly what we're dealing with."
Riley: "You're not just saying that because of those dark, penetrating eyes of his, are you?"
Buffy: "No! His eyes were... they were... there was no penetration. Cross my heart."

Buffy: "Maybe if you just lie down with me..."
Riley: "Nothing you're about to say will lead to rest."

Buffy: "See? A little sugar and I'm all yours. Dracula, shmacula."

Anya: "I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like 700 or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?"
Xander: "Adorable."

Xander: "You don't want to come back to my place?"
Anya: "It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous."
Xander: "Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man."

Xander: "Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, 'cause you can kiss your pale ass good--"
Dracula: "Silence."
Xander: "Yes, Master."

Xander: "I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or Master, I'll just stick with Master."
Dracula: "You are strange and off-putting. Go now."

Riley: "What can you tell me about Dracula?"
Spike: "Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me 11 pounds, for one thing."
Riley: "You know him?"
Spike: "Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes."

Dracula: "You are magnificent."
Buffy: "I bet you say that before you bite all the girls."

Buffy: "You think you can just waft in with your music-video wind, and your hypno-eyes..."

Dracula: "You have been tasted."
Buffy: "He was--"
Dracula: "Unworthy."

Willow: "Well, I think we have Dracula factoids."
Xander: "Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master."
(everyone looks at him)
Xander: "--bator."
Willow: "A lot of it we already knew. Turn-offs: wood, fire, crosses, garlic. Turn-ons: nice duds, minions, long slow bites that last for days."

Xander: "I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince."
(everyone looks at him again)
Xander: "--bator."

Xander: "It's nothing. Just a scratch."
Willow: "Two deep, puncture-y scratches."

Buffy: "There was just this voice, and it was telling me to cover it."
Riley: "And what'd I tell you? That's thrall."

Riley: "I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, I mean, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals."
Buffy: "I am not transfer-y."
Joyce: "He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale..."
Willow: "A good Sunnydale rule-of-thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes."

Anya: "How come I have to be here Slayer-sitting, while the other guys get to look for Dracula?"

Xander: "I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?"

Xander: "Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry -- 'whom'."

Dracula: "Put the stake down."
Buffy: "Okay. Right. That... was not you. I did that. I did that because... I wanted to. Maybe I should re-think that thrall thing."

Riley: "I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?"
Giles: "A castle?"
Riley: "A big, honking castle."

Xander: "Nobody harms my Master."
Riley: "Your Master?"
Xander: "You want him? You come through me."
(Riley punches Xander -- Xander drops)
Riley: "Okey-dokey."

Giles: "Oh, good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change."

Giles: "That tickles. Ooh, oh, uh... oh, dear god."

Buffy: "Wow. That was gross."
Dracula: "You are resisting."
Buffy: "Looks like."
Dracula: "Come here. Come to me."
Buffy: "You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship."

Giles: "Oh, my shoe. Silly me. I'll just pop..."
Riley: "No, no, no sir. No more chick-pit for you."

Buffy: "A guy like you should think about going electric."

Buffy: "How do you like my darkness now?"

Riley: "Are you okay?"
Buffy: "Yeah. Chock-full of free will."
Giles: "And Dracula?"
Buffy: "Euro-trashed."

Xander: "Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?"
Buffy: "He's gone."
Xander: "Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects, and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey."
Buffy: "Check. No more butt-monkey."
Riley: "It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here."
Giles: "I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me."
Riley: "Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?"

Buffy: "You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back."
(Dracula starts to re-form)
Buffy: "I'm standing right here!"
(Dracula fades away)

Joyce: "Buffy, if you're going out, why don't you take your sister?"
Buffy & Dawn in unison: "Mom!"

Giles: "There is nothing but you. You are the center, and within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are. Find it... breathe into it. Focus inward -- let the world fall away... fall away... fall away..."

Dawn: "Can we go now?"

Dawn: "No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world!"

Dawn: "I could so save the world if somebody handed me super-powers. But I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even."

Dawn: "Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires--they die from a splinter."

Buffy: "We're just going to the magic shop--no school supplies there."
Dawn: "Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. Hog--Geeze, crack a book sometime."

Buffy: "Suck up."
Riley: "What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, 'I'm here to violate your firstborn' never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why."

Dawn: "They're always kissing... and groping. I bet they've had sex."

Riley: "I thought we had plans today?"
Buffy: "Plans? We planned plans?"
Riley: "Well, you said, 'Come over tomorrow and we'll hang,' and then I said, 'Okay.' Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan."

Riley: "Oh, Slayer training?"
Buffy: "Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important."

Buffy: "Are you mad at me?"
Riley: "No, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way."

Riley: "See you, kid!"
Dawn: "I'm not a kid!"

Dawn: "I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word 'newfangled' one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone."

Buffy: "There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?"

Buffy: "You put it in neutral again, huh?"
Giles: "I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out."
Buffy: "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
Giles: "Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty."
Buffy: "Little two-door tramp!"

Giles: "I was so at a loose end, that I found myself searching for... some way of feeling more--"
Buffy: "Shallow?"
Giles: "Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order."
Buffy: "Do I haveta?"

Dawn: "Hey, there's Willow and Tara!"
Giles: "Ooh, they haven't seen my new car."

Dawn: "They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs."

Willow: "Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!"
Buffy: "Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?"

Buffy: "But Giles said that it just was..."
Willow: "The hell with Giles!"
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow."

Buffy: "What happened to 'People gotta respect a work ethic'?"
Willow: "Other people, not me. There's a whole best-friend loophole."

Giles: "That's odd."
Buffy: "Well, I think 'odd' just got upped to 'bad.'"

Dawn: "You're hurting me. I'm telling."

Buffy: "Look like someone's put together a new fang club."

Giles: "I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down."

Giles: "Which begs the question: What kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?"

Harmony: "Good job, minions!"

Brad: "What? I had to get her something. She sired me."
Vamp: "Sire-whipped."

Harmony: "What's your question?"
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?"
Harmony: "Eww! That's rude. I barely know you. And you're a minion."

Joyce: "So, not only didn't you take your sister shopping for school supplies, you brought her to a murder scene."
Buffy: "No, I didn't bring her to it, it just sort of came upon us."

Dawn: "Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of...deep, you know? He builds things."

Joyce: "Dawn, be good."
Xander: "We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name."

Riley: "So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time?"
Buffy: "Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it."
Riley: "I'm getting that."

Riley: "Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing."

Riley: "You have superpowers, and college, a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend."

Anya: "Crap! Look at this--now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage."
Xander: "That means you're winning."
Anya: "Really?"
Xander: "Yes, cash equals good."
Anya: "Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?"

Xander: "What could be funny? Just, 'Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!'"

Dawn: "Shut up!"
Xander: "Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!"

Xander: "I'm afraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you."
Harmony: "You're the hair-puller, you big girl!"

Xander: "The invitation was for one."

Anya: "A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around."

Buffy: (giggling uncontrollably) "Harmony has minions?"
Xander: "Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction."
Buffy: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just...Harmony has minions!"
Xander: "And ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this."
Buffy: "I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing."

Harmony: "What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing."

Vamp: Who are you growling at?"
Cyrus: Not me, my stomach. If I don't eat somebody soon, I'll get dizzy."
Vamp: Let's go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet."

Spike: "Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all."

Spike: "You look good."
Harmony: "I feel good."
Spike: "I remember."

Harmony: "I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff."
Spike: "What, 'Evil For Dummies'?"

Spike: "Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new big bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable."

Harmony: "I've found the real me, and I like her."
Spike: "Hope you'll be very happy together."

Spike: "Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you."

Buffy: "Especially the biggie, numero one-o. 'Do not invite blood-sucking dead people into our home.'"

Buffy: "I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive."

Harmony: "Once again, nice work, minionators!"

Harmony: "Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest...comfortable?"
Mort: "You told me to chain her to a wall."
Harmony: "Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?"

Harmony: "They treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"
Dawn: "A little."

Mort: We're gonna feed on the girl, and kill you. Maybe not in that order."

Dawn: "Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you."
(vamp extends one finger and lightly touches Dawn)
(vamp staked by Buffy)
Buffy: "Can't say she didn't warn him."

Harmony: "So, Slayer. At last we meet."
Buffy: "We've met, Harmony, you half-wit."

Buffy: "Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck."

Dawn: "Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me."

Dawn: "Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out."

Buffy: "Giles, are you sure about this?"
Giles: "Why wouldn't I be?"
Buffy: "Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?"
Giles: "I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return."

Buffy: "How bored WERE you last year?"
Giles: "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."

Buffy: (to Dawn) "Don't break anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that."

Dawn: "She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise."

Xander: "I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot-plate's out of commission."
Anya: "We think the cat peed on it."
Xander: "I do have spaghetti-o's. Set 'em on top of the dryer, and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness."
Riley: "Yeah, I had dryer-food for lunch."

Xander: "Guess the folks are back."

Xander: "No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars."

Xander: "Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place... something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?"

Buffy: "Hey! I'm enjoying the studying."
Riley: "Who are you, lately?"

Buffy: "I guess it has been a long day with the Crusades. I could take a little break from the violence for some... ooh, fighting!"

Xander: "Incompetently dubbed kung-fu. Our most valuable Chinese import."
Anya: "Much more durable than their hot-plates."

Buffy: "See? Now with the flying kick, from a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?"

Buffy: "Willow's the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right, Xander?"
Xander: "What? Oh, yeah, she's all, like, 'What's that? A cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?'"

Willow: "If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, 'La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's.'"
Buffy: "Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that."
Riley: "Really? I will."

Buffy: "It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean."

Rental agent: "And that's the bedroom."
(Xander opens door to see Buffy and Riley kissing)
Xander: "Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom? (R & B look around bedroom) Okay, good point."

Xander: "Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are."

Anya: "Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. He's been living in his drunken parent's basement, where something urinated on the hot-plate."

Riley: "We, uh, we liked the ceiling fan."
Xander: "Yes. It's very, you know, kind of Old South."
Buffy: "But without the unpleasant slavery associations."

Giles: "'Miscellaneous curses.' Brilliant. Lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrists."

Buffy: "How badly did you hurt him?"
Giles: "Well, hurt, uh... maybe not hurt."
Willow: "Well, I'm sure he was startled."
Giles: "Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn."
Buffy: "He ran away, huh?"
Giles: "Uh, sort of more, turned and swept out majestically, I suppose."

Buffy: "So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?"
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."

Xander: "So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the 'I told you so' symphony?"

Giles: "Toth."
Riley: "What?"
Buffy: "He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron."
Giles: "No, Toth's the name of the demon."

Giles: "It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated."
Buffy: "Sophisticated? So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?"
Giles: "They are referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed."

Riley: "He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?"

Willow: "Was it sort of sandalwoody?"
Giles: "Um... not even remotely."

Buffy: "The city dump... where smells go to relax and be themselves."

Willow: "I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no."

Xander: "Ooh, I found a quarter, I found a quarter! Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about."

Buffy: "Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... ze other axe."

Buffy: "Relax. Another day, another demon."

Dawn: "My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue."

Joyce: "This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar."
Buffy: "Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache."
Dawn: "I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's."
Buffy: "But part of it is Dawn's."
Joyce: "It's so nice you've learned to share."

Xander: "Welcome to payback, Mr. Evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free."

Rental agent: I think someone said you're currently in your parent's basement?"
Xander: "Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it."

Xander: "Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home, but listening anyway."
Anya: "Am not."

Xander: "It's me, Xander. And I can prove it."
Willow: "Oh. Okay."

Xander: "On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me."

Xander: "I woke up in the dump this morning."
Willow: "Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel."

Xander: "I got hit last night, fall down, boom."

Xander: "It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me, designed to do evil."
Willow: "Uh-huh."

Xander: "A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do."

Xander: "But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me."
Willow: "That's not true. Sometimes we all helped to save you."

Xander: "Take my life, please."

Willow: "You're just tired, and all soggy."

Xander: "When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, 'Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in.'"

Xander: "He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her!"
Willow: "Really?"

Xander: "Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it."
Willow: "I handled it fine."

Anya: "So, what happens next?"
Xander: "Well, at some point, we take off our clothes."

Anya: "When do we get a car?"
Xander: "A car?"
Anya: "And a boat. No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere."

Anya: "I'm dying. I may have as few as 50 years left."

Anya: "And you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm wrinkly, and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive."

Anya: "What is it? Make it go away."

Giles: "I swear, this time I KNOW I had that locked."

Giles: "I said, Oh dear lord!"
Buffy: "You always say that."
Giles: "Well, it's always important."

Xander 1: "I'm thinking this is gonna last about fifteen seconds."
Xander 2: "I'm thinking less."

Buffy: "Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass."

Buffy: "I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters."

Riley: "If you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all! I'm talking toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything."

Buffy: "Okay, Xander...s."

Riley: "We can prove you're both Xander."
Buffy: "Yeah! How?"

Buffy: "What number am I thinking?"
Riley: "I don't think that's gonna do it."
Xander 1 & 2: "Eleven and a half."
Buffy: "Wrong. Oh! But see?"

Xander 2: "It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic."
Xander 1: "No, I... huh, it is kind of cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson."

Xander: "The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces."

Xander 2: "Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone."
Xander 1: "I was thinking the same thing!"

Riley: "Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me, then."

Xander 2: "We're completely identical."
Xander 1: "Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Fingerprints!"

Anya: "Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning."
Xander 2: "She's joking."
Xander 1: "No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong. And it would be very confusing."
Giles: "We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk."
Willow: "Check. Candles and pretense."

Anya: "It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander."

Anya: "Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?"
Xander 1 & 2: "Kill us both, Spock!"
Buffy: "They're kind of the same now."
Giles: "Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself."

Anya: "I liked it the other way. Put him back."

Xander: "At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you're like... that's where Spike slept. And there, that's where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place."

Anya: "Ooh, presents?"
Xander: "Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have."

Xander: "How is it that she can always make me feel suave Xander's left the building?"

Riley: "Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me."

Buffy: "Why do I even both to show up?"

Buffy: "Spike, what are you doing here?"
Spike: "Same reason as you and your cub scout here, I wager. Wanted a spot of violence before bedtime."

Spike: "And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

Spike: "Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow."
Buffy: "Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say!"

Buffy: "You threw that vampire like he was a teeny-weeny little vampire."
Riley: "Hey, you want to go again? Come on, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires."

Spike: "I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice, and drink deep."

Spike: "Ow!"

Willow: "Look at us - we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college lecture. I have dreamt of this day since... forever."

Willow: "Should I be watching my occipital lobe?"
Buffy: "Your what?"
Willow: "Occipital, the lobe in the back of your brain? You know, like, should I be watching my back? But, you know, the back of your brain."
Buffy: "Apparently not."

Buffy: "Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family."

Buffy: "I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work."

Buffy: "I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe."
Willow: "Aw, poor Buffy's brain."

Xander: "Yeah, blueprints, not a bad idea. That and getting straight, "measure twice, cut once." You know, for the longest time, I had it backwards. Messy."

Anya: "Who put the monkey head near the Styx water? Do we want to pick exploded monkey out of our hair?"

Willow: "Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop!"

Willow: "Ooh, are these real newt eyes?"
Giles: "No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery."
Xander: "I'm telling you, Giles. You've got to set up a blind taste-test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good."

Giles: "Shall we, then?"
Buffy: "We shall then."

Tara: "Hmmm."
Willow: "What do you see?"
Tara: "Willow hands."

Xander: "I'm the dummy man! I mean, I made the dummy."

Buffy: "You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all rolled up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek."

Spike: "Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?"

Harmony: "She won't give up until she's killed me to death."

Spike: "Buffy's looking for you?"
Harmony: "Of course! That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis."

Harmony: "Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything."
Spike: "Anything, will you?"
Harmony: "Yeah, I said I'll do anything. Oh, you mean, will I have sex with you? Well, yeah."

Spike: "Taking up smoking, are you?"
Harmony: "I am a villain, Spike, hello!"
Spike: "I guess you are at that."

Spike: "I guess you're gonna have to kill her."
Harmony: "I tried! It was all hard and stuff. You do it."
Spike: "I'd love to, but I can't. Remember? I've got this cute little government chip in my head."
Harmony: "Oh, right. Guess it'll have to be me after all. Can you help with the thinking?"

Buffy: "Mmm. that was relaxing."
Riley: "You, uh, want to relax some more?"

Buffy: "Hey, I have the endurance of ten men."
Riley: "Let's make it women, okay? Just for the imagery."

Buffy: "You know, it takes a lot to wear me out."
Riley: "Oh, I love a challenge."

Joyce: "You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up."

Willow: "What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it."

Joyce: "I feel silly lying here like a lump."
Willow: "You can make a game out of it. A very quiet game about being a lump."

Buffy: "Call them how? First of all, they don't exist any more, and secondly they never claimed to exist in the first place."

Riley: "Very convincing. Makes me completely want to put myself under government control. Please, take me where they can make me unconscious and naked."

Graham: "And, Buffy..."
Buffy: "If you tell me to hurry, I'll kick your ass."

Xander: "Like, I had this friend once who really liked this girl, and he got all worried that maybe she didn't like him back, and maybe that made him act like a total jerk. Maybe Riley reminds me of that friend."
Willow: "What are you talking about?"
Xander: "Then again, maybe not. Maybe he just wants attention."

Anya: "I care about you, Xander."
Xander: "Thanks."
Anya: "Don't be insecure."
Xander: "Thanks. I won't."

Buffy: "You know what else he might find homey, in a dank, unpleasant, evil sort of way? The Initiative caves."

Giles: "We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand."

Buffy: "The guy's really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way."

Spike: "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Four left."
Spike: "So it's smaller than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Only three."
Spike: "Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?"
Harmony: "Yes! Oh my god. Someone's Blondie Bear is a 20-questions genius!"

Spike: "Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?"

Harmony: "So, what'd she say about me?"

Spike: "Little performance anxiety, eh, doc? Butterflies in the old belly? Harm, do us a favor. Shoot the nasty butterflies for the good doctor."

Harmony: "Oops. String was slippy."

Willow: "Better to light a candle than curse the damn darkness."

Tara: "How'd you do that with the light?"
Willow: "Oh, you know, you taught me."
Tara: "I taught you a teeny tinkerbell light."
Willow: "Okay, so I tinkered with the tinkerbell."

Riley: "I go back, let the government get whimsical with my innards again, they could do anything that... Best case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal. Just... just another guy."

Riley: "Come on, your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian."

Buffy: "Don't Psych 101 me."

Riley: "Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy."
Buffy: "I don't know why."

Harmony: "I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain. Yecch. No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so... pink and wriggly-looking. Can I touch it?"
Doctor & Spike: "No!"

Harmony: "Wow, Spikey, how does it feel?"
Spike: "Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint."

Harmony: "Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers."
Spike: "What?! Yes, I can."

Harmony: "Is it supposed to do that?"

Spike: "Harmony, if your incessant prattling bollixes up this operation, I'm gonna personally rip out your pink and wriggly tongue."

Riley: "How many fingers I got?"
Graham: "17."

Riley: "Hey, about before..."
Graham: "We're good. Apologize later, if you're not dead."

Buffy: "You are not going to die!"
Riley: "Bet you say that to all the boys."

Spike: "Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke."

Harmony: "I see it, Spikey, I see the chip! It's nestled in there like a pretty little Easter egg, with your brain all around it like that green plastic grassy stuff. Only this is more of a beige..."

Spike: "Listen to me. My stomach's growling, I'm so starved. I'm afraid I'm going to have to have me a little snack. Oh, don't worry. I won't fill up on the bread. I'll still have plenty of room for the main course."

Spike: "Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo- commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude."
Harmony: "Well, aren't we kind of unholy by definition..."

Buffy: "How's it going in there?"
Riley: "Good. Back to normal."
Buffy: "Yep. And see? I'm still touchable."
Riley: "Give me a week or so to heal, and I'll take full advantage of that fact."

Graham: "You used to have a mission. And now you're what, the mission's boyfriend? The mission's true love?"

Spike: "Oh god, no. Please no."

Vampire: "I've always wanted to kill the Slayer."
Buffy: "And I've always wanted piano lessons. Really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I'm expressing mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart. (dusts vamp) I think that sets the world speed record for closure."

Guard: "Miss, if you're looking for one of those rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. I chased a bunch of kids out of here last night."
Buffy: "Oh. Right. Yeah. Darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the bundt cake."

Guard: "What is that thing?"
Buffy: "I'll let you know as soon as I find out."

Buffy: "Dawn, touch nothing."
Dawn: "Who died and made you the Iron Chef?"

Joyce: "So neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking."

Joyce: "The headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with."

Buffy: "So they don't know what's wrong?"
Joyce: "Well, not yet."
Buffy: "Well, that's unacceptable. I think we should get a second opinion."
Joyce: "Well, we need a first opinion first, honey."

Joyce: "I get to worry about you two, which is a good thing, because you're a vampire Slayer. And you, you are my little punkin' belly."
Dawn: "Mom, that's, like, my kid name."
Joyce: "So, I can't be retro?"
Buffy: "Did you ever have any names for me?"
Joyce: "No, I think you were always just Buffy."
Dawn: "I got some names for ya."

Joyce: "Bring me back a... I don't know, a flying broomstick, or something."
Dawn: "Those never really work."
Joyce: "Whatever."

Dawn: "This place is so... wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk."
Giles: "Our new slogan."

Dawn: "You break it, you bought it. Heard you the first sixty times."

Giles: "Think about it. Sunnydale. Monsters. Supply and demand. They'll be lining up around the block in no time."
Buffy: "Yeah, you'll be making money hand over fist. Which I guess is a good thing..."

Giles: "It appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."

Dawn: "You can't patrol. Buffy said."
Buffy: "No, I didn't."
Dawn: "Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody?"
Buffy: "Well, I wasn't talking about Riley."
Riley: "Don't worry about it."
Dawn: "Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitten-y, and she'd better go solo, or you'd get hurt."

Willow: "I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. 'Cause she's, you know, a big spaz."

Dawn: "We can't all be born with big, fancy, chosen-one reflexes, you know."

Ben: "Not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace, but you got some serious muscles for a girl."
Buffy: "I, um..."
Ben: "Radioactive spider bite."
Buffy: "How'd you guess?"

Giles: "Did you see that? Customers, real live customers. They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money, and then they left! It's brilliant!"

Willow: "Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog."

Anya: "I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter."
Giles: "The change is palpable."

Buffy: "We need to find out who's making my mom sick, and now."
Willow: "Then what?"
Buffy: "Then I hunt them... find them... and kill them."

Beast: "You know, when you think about it, I'm the victim here. First off -- I don't even want to be here. And I'm not talking about this room or this city or this state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil now, you know? It's disgusting. The food. The clothes. The people. I could crap a better existence than this."

Beast: "Forgive me... monk-y. sometimes I get so anxious, like there's something deep inside of me, and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy, that I forget there's all that duct tape on your face."

Beast: "Tell me where the key is, or I'm going bowling."

Beast: "The stutter's sexy, keep it coming."

Beast: "Not now! Mommy's talking."

Giles: "There's too many of them -- people. And they all seem to want things."
Xander: "I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay."

Xander: "The thousand-yard stare. Damn, you hate to see it on any man, but especially in retail."

Anya: "Please go."
Xander: "Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that 'Please go' just got replaced with 'Have a nice day.'"
Anya: "But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?"
Xander: "No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it."
Anya: "Hey, you! Have a nice day."
Xander: "There's my girl!"

Xander: "Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?"

Willow: "Does this look right to you?"
Anya: "Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet."

Riley: "So, what do I do?"
Buffy: "Lots. Tons. Lots and lots of tons."

Riley: "So you need me to light incense and pour sand?"
Buffy: "Magic incense. And... and spooky sand."

Riley: "Are you sure this isn't just your way of trying to make me feel less... what are the words... cute and weak and kittenish?"
Buffy: "Kitten-y."
Riley: "Right. Much manlier."

Dawn: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "My boyfriend. Go away."

Dawn: "Oh, come on! Please! Please, like, times ten, and cubed! Please?"

Buffy: "Don't take this the wrong way, but... (punches Spike in the nose) ...what are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: "Out. For. A. Walk.... Bitch."

Spike: "You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between... parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole 'burst into flame' phase."

Spike: "The whole crowd-pleasing 'threats and swagger' routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life, besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and... and I never really liked you, anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair."

Buffy: "Best of all... I'm not stupid."

Beast: You sure about that last part?"

Giles: "Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?"
Xander: "Would that involve moving?"
Willow: "My feet are numb."
Xander: "I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain."
Giles: "I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. It just seemed so much simpler."
Anya: "You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15%."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check--"
Giles: "Anya! Would you like a job?"
Anya: "Okay."
Giles: "Good."

Xander: "You're not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you, Big G?"
Giles: "No, no. Just hope she doesn't do anything too rash."

Beast: "I just want you to know -- this whole "beat you to death" thing I'm doing is valuable time out of my life that I'm never going to get back."

Beast: "Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one, and you rip it in half, you get two worms? Do you think that'll work with you?"

Beast: "Hey, hands off my holy man!"

Beast: "Oh, sh--"

Monk: "My journey's done, I think."
Buffy: "Don't get metaphor-y on me."

Dawn: "I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you're the one who's not my sister, 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings."
Buffy: "That's your theory?"
Dawn: "Explains your fashion sense. And smell."

Buffy: "I just had a bad day."
Dawn: "Well, join the club."
Buffy: "Can I be president?"
Dawn: "I'm president. You could be the janitor."

Willow: "Tell me a story."
Tara: "Okay. Once upon a time, there was a kitty. She was very little and she was all alone and nobody wanted her."
Willow: "This is a very upsetting story."
Tara: "Oh, oh, but it gets better. 'Cause one day the kitty was running around the street and a man came and swooped her up and took her to the pound. And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets."
Willow: "Were there dolphins?"
Tara: "Yes, many dolphins at the pound."
Willow: "Was there a camel?"
Tara: "There was the front of a camel. A half-camel."
Willow: "Did the kitty get chosen by some nice people?"
Tara: "Well, now you've ruined the ending."

Willow: "I don't need to be snuggled."
Tara: "Vixen."

Glory: "Okay. Now I'm upset."

Xander: "Ow! Thumb. Necessary opposable thumb."
Riley: "Sorry. Crybaby."

Anya: "But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago. (turns, sees Buffy) And it was fun!"
Giles: "People help each other out, Anya. One of our strange customs."
Buffy: "Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping."
Giles: "Well, I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. (points, scowls) You two, stop that."
Riley: "He started it!"
Xander: "He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin."
Giles: "Stop it, or you're going to break something."
(X & R continue wrestling)
Buffy: "Or I'm going to break something."
(X & R stop immediately)

Buffy: "Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt."

Tara: "Yeah, you learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. (everyone stops & stares at her) Th-that was funny if you, um, studied taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork."
Riley: "Then how come Xander didn't laugh?"
Xander: "I don't know that taglarin stuff."
Riley: "Oh."

Anya: "We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing?"

Anya: "Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!"
Giles: "Could we perhaps be a little less effusive, Anya? We don't want to frighten the people."
Anya: "I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them, they give us money in exchange for goods, you give me money for working for you. I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a workin' gal."
Giles: "Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?"
Anya: "Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts."

Xander: "You are gonna be there?"
Buffy: "Yeah. Barring monsters."

Xander: "Give me sugar. I've come to buy sugar." (kiss)
Anya: "Mmm! We value your patronage."

Buffy: "Your definition of narrow is impressively wide."

Giles: "You can't be more specific about what she's like?"
Buffy: "She was kind of like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair."
Giles: "Ah, yes, that one, of course. Our work is done."

Xander: "I'm helping, I'm reading, I'm quiet."

Buffy: "You said you got a present already."
Xander: "Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie."

Buffy: "There's just... that thing."
Xander: "That thing."
Buffy: "That thing of not understanding..."
Xander: "Half of what she says?"

Xander: "But Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those."

Buffy: "Uh! I have a present-buying headache."

Giles: "Come up with anything yet?"
Xander: "Well, candles maybe, or bath oils of some kind."
Buffy: "I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomies, but I think I want me to have it."
Giles: "And you are talking about what on earth?"
Buffy: "Tara's birthday. We're at a loss."
Giles: "You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid."

Xander: "What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?"
Giles: "You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped."

Buffy: "You're a god. You're like the god of boyfriends."
Riley: "Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors."
Buffy: "Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits."
Riley: "Oh, be still my heart."

Dawn: "I'm going to Melinda's for dinner."
Buffy: "Since when?"
Dawn: "Nowish."
Buffy: "You can't. It's not safe for you to walk there."
Dawn: "It's across the street."

Buffy: "Besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short."

Buffy: "She makes me crazy."
Riley: "That's kinda the word I was searching for."
Buffy: "What? She shouldn't be going over there."
Riley: "Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud."

Glory: "Blonde. Short. Strong for a human... and massively rude! Broke my shoe, took my monk. Do you have any idea who I'm talking about?"

Glory: "Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common. If I had friends and they heard about this..."

Glory: "You have the cutest little suppurating sores. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Willow: "Am I late? Did I miss any exposition?"

Riley: "What can I say? The place just reeks of class."

Sandy: This place is such a dive."
Riley: "No, no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes, plug up your nostrils, it's fine."

Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more... private."
Riley: "Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect."

Harmony: "Apparently he got recruited by some big nether-wig, and now he's on a mission. You think they might actually do it? Kill her?"
Spike: "God, that would be... pleasant."
Harmony: "Well, if they do, I think we should do something... like a gift basket or something."

Mr. McClay: "What in god's name is that?"
Spike: "Lei-ach demon. Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow sucking."

Buffy: "You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me."

Buffy: "You want to take Tara out of here against her will, you gotta come through me."
Dawn: "And me."
Mr. McClay: "Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls."
Dawn: "You don't want to mess with us."
Buffy: "She's a hair-puller."
Giles: "And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
Xander: "You're dealing with all of us."
Spike: "'Cept me."
Xander: "'Cept Spike."
Spike: "I don't care what happens."

Mr. McClay: "*We* are her blood kin. Who the hell are you?"
Buffy: "We're family."

Donny: "Tara... if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down."
Xander: "And I swear by your full and manly beard you're gonna break something trying."

Cousin Beth: Well, I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon."
Anya: "Excuse me... what kind?"
Cousin Beth: "What?"
Anya: "What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil, and some have been considered to be useful members of society."

Spike: "Why don't I make this simple." (punches Tara)
Tara: "Ow!"
Spike: "Ow!" (clutches head)

Spike: "There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you."

Tara: "He hurt my nose."
Spike: "Yeah, you're welcome."

Tara: "'Cause your insect reflection reflects your insignificance in terms of the karmic cycle."
Anya: (thinks) "But it's still not funny."

Dawn: "This place is so cool. Except I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand."
Xander: "That's to keep you from boozing it up."
Dawn: "Oh, please. Only losers drink alcohol."
(everyone lowers their cups)

Tara: "Even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?"
Willow: "Magic."

Buffy: "You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask... you smell this bad when you were alive? 'Cause if it's a postmortem thing, then boy, is my face red. But just so you know, the fast- growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire."

Stabbing Vampire: "You're goin'? But you were having so much fun a minute ago."

Buffy: "I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?"
Riley: "Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound."
Buffy: "You said it wasn't that bad."
Riley: "I said I've seen worse. There's a difference."
Buffy: "Well, at least no major organs got kebabed."

Buffy: "Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training? That's just a Buffy Summers bonus."

Joyce: "I'm fine, bordering on chipper, and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious."

Dawn: "Some nail polish experiments are doomed before they even begin."
Joyce: "But you keep pushing the envelope, honey."

Dawn: "Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?"
Buffy: "You are. A very short, annoying man."

Dawn: "Oh, cool. I mean, gross."

Dawn: "Oh sure. I save your butt and you dump all your chores on me."

Dawn: "When do I get to patrol?"
Buffy: "Not until you're never!"

Xander: "What's with the hand wave? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?"
Willow: "It's code. I think it breaks down to 'choo-choo!'"
Anya: "It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him."
Willow: (whispering) "Ask him."
Xander: (yelling) "Hey, Riley? What's the (hand gesture) all about?"
Riley: "It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
Xander: "See, now he's all mad and sarcastic."
Willow: "It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants."

Riley: "Tell you what. I'll take the cemeteries -- you guys get the Bronze."
Anya: "Were we not being covert enough?"
Xander: "We're sorry."
Willow: "Sorry."
Xander: "We'll be sneakier, promise."

Xander: "You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? It's just so cool."
Willow: (munching chips) "I think you're cool."

Giles: "What does it say?"
Buffy: "Same as all the others. Slayer called, blah blah, great protector, blah blah, scary battles, blah blah, oops! She's dead. Where are the details?"
Giles: "Details? Well, it says this Slayer forged her own weapons."
Buffy: "Gotta love a gal with an anvil."

Buffy: "I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto."

Giles: "The problem is that after a final battle, that, uh, it's difficult to get any, uh... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather, um..."
Buffy: "It's okay to use the 'D' word, Giles."
Giles: "Dead. And... hence not very forthcoming."
Buffy: "Why didn't the Watcher's keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just... stop."
Giles: "Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too..."
Buffy: "Unseemly? Damn. Love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes."
Giles: "Painful, I was going to say."

Spike: "Ow! Wait, not 'ow.' Are you feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts."

Spike: "You know, there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them."
Buffy: "Update, Spike: We're not here to discuss the fine choice of hops."

Buffy: "Tell the tale, you get the cash."
Spike: "Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up."

Spike: "Since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings."
Buffy: "What?"
Spike: "Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feeling peckish."

Spike: "As I thought -- some nasty thing got a taste of you."

Spike: "Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're 'fine'."

Buffy: "Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"
Spike: "What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad."

William: "Luminous. Oh, no, no, no. Irr-irradiant's better."

William: "Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for 'gleaming'? it's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see."

Guy: "'My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in it, inspired by your beauty effulgent.' Effulgent?"

Girl: "Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry."
Guy: "It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!"

Drusilla: "And I wonder what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?"

Drusilla: "Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all around your head."

Riley: "It's okay. We can kill them just as dead in the morning."

Buffy: "So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?"
Spike: "No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery channel."

Spike: "Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time."

Spike: "Oh, I'm sorry -- did I sully our good name? We're vampires!"

Darla: "I think our boys are going to fight!"
Drusilla: "The king of cups expects a picnic... (giggles) but this is not his birthday."
Darla: "Good point."

Spike: "You know what I prefer to being hunted? Getting caught."
Angelus: "That's brilliant strategy, really. Pure cunning."

Angelus: "A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals."
Spike: "Poofter."

Spike: "I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory, and sod-all else, right?"

Buffy: "So, how'd you kill her?"
Spike: "Funny you should ask. (grabs Buffy) Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine."

Drusilla: "Look at the wonderful mess you've made."

Spike: "You ever hear them saying the blood of a Slayer is a powerful aphrodisiac? Here now... have a taste."

Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "You got off on it."
Spike: "Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't?"

Spike: "But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand, and the armies of hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for."
Buffy: "And that would be what?"
Spike: (whispering) "One... good... day."

Stabbing Vampire: "Killed with her own weapon. They ought to put this in a museum."
Riley: "You know what they put in museums? Mostly dead things."

Spike: "Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?"

Spike: "I could have danced all night with that one."
Buffy: "You think we're dancing?"
Spike: "That's all we've ever done."

Spike: "Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die?"

Spike: "Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second--the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson."

Spike: "Did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to."
Buffy: "I mean it."
Spike: "So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it!"

Spike: "Come on, I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance."
Buffy: "Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me."

Spike: "Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one."

Harmony: "Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time. But you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass."
Spike: "Got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong."
Harmony: "I knew you'd take this personally. You're so sensitive! How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" And then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's had enough and just stakes you."
Spike: "Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that."

Spike: "I did it for you. And you keep punishing me. Carrying on with creatures like this. Chaos Demon: Okay, you guys obviously have a thing going on here..."

Joyce: "You know the nothing that I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks? It might not be nothing."

Dawn: "What is a CAT scan, exactly?"
Buffy: "I don't know. It's an x-ray, I guess."
Dawn: "Where do they get the "CAT" scan from? I mean, do they test it on cats, or... or does the machine sort of look like a cat?"

Tara: "'Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs.' Catchy."
Giles: "You think so?"
Tara: "Uh-huh. In a hard-to-read sort of way, but I think it's great."

Xander: "I'm just saying, I think it's rude."
Willow: "I wouldn't call it rude."
Xander: "Rude-ish, rude-esque, whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for you co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?"
Giles: "I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening."

Willow: "Tomb go boom."
Xander: "Yep, Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone-wolf lonesome."
Giles: "Rather reckless of him."
Xander: "I'd say very rather."

Anya: "I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!"

Xander: "Oh, yeah, this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you never saw, and don't know the name of."
Anya: "Just do what I do: flip through the pages and look busy."

Xander: "No doubt lurking around some sewer, or condemned church, or rat-infested warehouse -- you know, the usual haunts."

Dreg: "Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you, most tingly and wonderful Glorificus."

Dreg: "Forgive me, shiny special one, I beg of you to rip out my inadequate tongue."
Glory: "Gimmee."

Glory: "Does this pump make my ankle look boney?"
Dreg: "No, no. No, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. To touch such an ankle would be-- but I'm not touching, I'm backing away. (Glory throws shoe at him, hits him on head) Ow! Thank you."

Glory: "Dreg, is it?"
Dreg: "Yes, Dreg. Your creamy coolness has honored me by speaking my name. Your voice is like a thousand sweet songbirds that--"
Glory: "Yeah, I never tire of hearing that."

Glory: "Nothing worse than a gift that doesn't work. Then I'd have to get all man and kill you. It's this whole big thing."

Riley: "What are you doing in here?"
Spike: "What, me? I was, um... What are you doing here?"
Riley: "Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom."

Riley: "Were you... were you just smelling her sweater?"
Spike: "No! Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a predator thing, nothing wrong with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (sniffs deeply at sweater) Ahh, that's the stuff, Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating." (growls)

Spike: "Look, I know for a bleedin' fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here."
Riley: "Right. What's a little sweater-sniffing between sworn enemies?"

Spike: "Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a de-invite on the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest-list?"
Riley: "Because you're harmless."
Spike: "Oh, yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. At least I still got the attitude. What you got? A piercing glance?"

Spike: "Face it, white bread, Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you, but sorry, Charlie, you're just not dark enough. (Riley drags Spike into the daylight)"
Riley: "Am I dark enough for you now?"

Buffy: "Mom, what did they find?"
Joyce: "A shadow. I've got a shadow... somewhere, over there."

Willow: "It feels like we're going around in circles."
Xander: "Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here, Giles."

Giles: "Ah, weeping Buddha. Shoulders your spiritual burden. Makes a lovely paperweight, too."

Xander: "Hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, whoo! And, might I add, a big hoo."

Anya: "Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!"
Giles: "Anya, your 'heys' are startling the customers."
Willow: "And pretty much the state."

Anya: "You sold someone a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian blood stone."
Giles: "Yes, I believe I did."
Anya: "Are you stupid or something?"
Giles: "Allow me to answer that question with a firing."
Xander: "She's kidding. Ahn, we talked about the employee/employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five."

Dawn: "She sure cries a lot less with you that she did with Angel."
Riley: "Angel made her cry a lot, huh?"
Dawn: "Everything with Angel was all 'eyeee!', you know?"
Riley: "All...?"
Dawn: "You know, 'my boyfriend's a vampire' crazy crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you."

Giles: "The truth is... the mystical and the medical aren't meant to mix, Buffy."

Anya: "We've done just about enough making things worse for one day, haven't we?"
Buffy: "Why? What do you mean?"
Xander: "Nothing. Anya broke a bippity-boppety-boo. A thing."

Giles: "The demon woman was here, the one who attacked you."
Willow: "It's no biggie. She just got an amulet and a blood stone."
Anya: "That can create a monster."
Willow: "Okay, biggie."

Buffy: "How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?"
(long pause) Anya: (whispering) "Giles sold it to her."
Giles: "I-I-I didn't know it was her. I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her."

Anya: "Sobekites were reptile worshippers."
Xander: "Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers."
Anya: "Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares!"

Buffy: "Well, you keep working on it, I'll go kill it."

Glory: "Chill, worm. I'm gonna make you a star!"

Glory: "Ah! Dark incantations -- always overwritten. Why can't they just cut to the--"
Buffy: "Fight?"
Glory: "No fair! Attacking... when I wasn't even looking. Oh, help. No. This is no good. I'm out of the moment. And you're not giving me anything I can use. (Glory thrashes Buffy) Dreg, I'm not hearing chanting! Continue."
Dreg: "Yes, Glory."
Glory: "Hey, hey -- work with me here. There, that feels more real, don't you think? Even if I do have to carry your performance. (throws Buffy across room) Scene!"

Dreg: "He is arisen."
Glory: "'Bout damn time."

Glory: "Let your vision guide you to its hiding place and then return to me and tell me where it lies. (pause) Now would be good."

Giles: "'Aleister Crowley Sings'? Sadly, no, I don't carry that, but I do have some very nice whale sounds."

Xander: "Yeah, crazy. Going off alone, half-cocked. Instead of waiting for much-needed back up. Charging in with a big old hand grenade. Oh, wait..."
Riley: "This is different."

Willow: "Why was the big snake afraid of Dawn?"

Dreg: "Please, please Mistress, perturbed, yet ultimately merciful one..."
Glory: "What is taking so long, Dreg? You told me snakey-wakey would find my key. Now why isn't he back here with a beautiful message for me?"
Dreg: "I grovel like a bug, most silky and effervescent Glorificus-- Glory! Glory, your most fresh and clean-ness, it's just a matter of time."

Glory: "Tick-tock, Dreg. Tick-fricking-tock!"

Joyce: "Do I have bad hair? I don't look like scary mom, do I?"

Riley: "You okay? You look pretty beat up."
Buffy: "Minimal damage of the fighting kind. It's all the other kind."

Joyce: "Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food."
Buffy: "Are you kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays."
Dawn: "I like the jell-o."
Joyce: "Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies."
Dawn: "It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?"
Buffy: "You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk."

Joyce: "I woke up exhausted. There's really no more exhausted to get."

Buffy: "Waiting? Give me a break. We got tons to do."
Dawn: "We have soap operas to watch, and trashy magazines to read."
Buffy: "And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone can keep me busy for four hours or so."

Xander: "Hey, human chest, human chest!"
Giles: "Sorry."

Giles: "Oh my god, what a rough night."
Willow: "Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy."

Willow: "Oh, piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti-- (her knees buckle and the boys catch her) Whoops. Maybe it would have been good if he had showed up."

Willow: "Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish."

Willow: "This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!"

Willow: "And somehow, when I was in the store, this seemed like the most important idea, and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy."

Buffy: "You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?"

Willow: "Buffy, I have this for you."
Buffy: "Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore."

Joyce: "I'd rip it in half and stick it in bed with me!"

Willow: "She'll be all normal all the time."
Dawn: "Is that right?"
Buffy: "Hey, Santa doesn't lie."

Buffy: "The crazy man was a little, you know, crazy."

Willow: "You know what's weird?"
Tara: "Japanese commercials are weird."

Willow: "You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars."

Willow: "There's Canis Minor, and Cassiopeia."
Tara: "And the Big Pineapple."
Willow: "Um, you know, I'm not sure I remember that one..."

Tara: "The real ones never made sense to me. I sort of have my own."
Willow: "Teach me."
Tara: "See those stars over there? 'Short man looking uncomfortable.' 'A moose getting a sponge bath.' 'Little pile o' crackers.' That... that was a bit of a stretch. You do it. What would you call... that one."
Willow: "Let's see. A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something!"

Joyce: "I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change."
Buffy: "I'm sure someone's on-- What? The push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?"

Doctor: There's no reason to get upset."
Joyce: "No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry. I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!"

Riley: "Heard I missed out on some fun."
Xander: "Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hi-jinks."

Willow: "Whoa. We have meteorite."

Riley: "No, it's not hot, it's warm. And broken. And sort of..."
Giles: "Hollow?"
Riley: "Yeah."
Anya: "So, we're all thinking the same thing, right?"
Xander: "Festive pinata? Delicious candy?"
Willow: "Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered away to do badness."
Giles: "In all fairness, we don't really know about the 'slithered' part."
Anya: "Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb."

Riley: "No pulse."
Anya: "Yep, the space lamb got him."

Riley: "That might be toxic. Don't touch it."
Xander: "Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell."

Willow: "We can't call Buffy. I want to call Buffy!"

Willow: "So, we'll just figure this out ourselves. We're experienced."
Anya: "Yes, 'cause it seems like we're always dealing with creatures from outer space... except that we don't ever do that."

Giles: "Perhaps we should explore a bit more. Head into the woods a bit."
(pause) Xander: "Who votes research?"
Anya: "Me."
Willow: "Research."
Giles: "Much better idea."
Riley: "Yeah, I think that's a good call."

Riley: "I'm just not great at research. Which I'm sure you guys figured out. I like me a good crime scene."

Riley: "Believe me, something jumps out at me in the dark, you'll hear me even without the phone."

Willow: "I don't want to be the one that finds the bodies anymore."

Graham: "You found a stiff in the woods and called us in? Don't you usually call your girlfriend for this kind of thing?"

Riley: "Not subterrestrial, Major. Extraterrestrial."

Xander: "Look at how teeny Mercury is, compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name..."

Xander: "I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot demon."
Giles: "Because it's a killer snot demon from outer space. (pause) I did not say that.
Giles: "Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above."
Xander: "And the university library's astronomy section is the home of aboveness. Got it."

Giles: "Well, then, it would appear that the world is not being invaded."
Tara: "I'm pretty pleased about that."

Willow: "Some witnesses claimed the meteor was hollow."
Xander: "Hmm, maybe with a chewy demon center, like ours."

Giles: "As if something emerged from the meteors, and quelled the madmen."
Xander: "Meteor go boom, crazy guy go bye-bye."

Buffy: "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
Spike: "Right, then... caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of... junk..."
Buffy: "You were stealing?"
Spike: "Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?"
Buffy: "Wait-- are those pictures of me?"

Joyce: "No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you."
Buffy: "I promise."

Willow: "What time is it?"
Xander: "There's a clock behind you, Will."
Willow: "I know, but there a watch right above your hand." //looks at watch// "That can't be right." (looks at clock) "Oh."

Dawn: "When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, 'I'm the Slayer, I'm going to get you!'"
Anya: "That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly."
Dawn: "No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know."
Xander: "Buffy's pretty cool like that."

Xander: "So, what do you want to do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of Moo-Goo-Gai-starch."
Anya: "Oh, we could play that game again -- Life? That was fun."
Dawn: "For you. You always win."
Anya: "Well, we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different."
Xander: "And after we teach her how to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!"
Anya: "I don't think the bar would serve her. But we can bring something in. Strawberry schnapps taste just like real ice-cream."
Xander: "Okay, how about a movie? They're showing them in theatres now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor."

Xander: "The chimp, playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov?"
Anya: "There's a chimp playing hockey?"
Dawn: "No, the other one. I don't want to see a sad movie."
Anya: "We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!"

Dawn: "I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink. Xander: "No, no... that's not it at all. They just need time to... um, be tender. Relax."
Anya: "He's not very convincing, is he?"
Dawn: "Alone time always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.'"
Anya: (looking at Xander) "Oh. Does that mean we can't?"

Buffy: "Can we put this song on repeat?"
Riley: "Whatever you want."
Buffy: "Can we put the whole night on repeat?"
Riley: "Absolutely."

Buffy: "It's like all the tension's just left my body."
Riley: "Already? 'Cause I had that scheduled for a little later on."
Buffy: "Scheduled? Are you planning on seducing me, Mr. Finn?"

Joyce: "I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head."
Buffy: "But a very well-groomed cat."

Buffy: "Wigs are fun. We could get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you could be like 60's mom, Action mom, French-maid mom..."

Buffy: "And I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little... bible study."

Buffy: "Riley?"
Spike: "It's me."
Buffy: "Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?"

Spike: "As usual, I'm here to help you, and I... are you naked under there?"

Army guy: "It's the real deal: high risk, low pay, and seriously messy."

(sign in Giles' shop: DON'T FORGET Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Gurnenthar's Ascendance ARE COMING!)
Giles: "And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm a purveyor of it."

Anya: "Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all."
Xander: "That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken."
Anya: "Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase."
Giles: "Oh, yeah... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet."
Willow: "Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep, painting their little toenails."
Anya: "Oh, that's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal.'"

Anya: "If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man, staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself."
Giles: "I say, that's an exaggeration."

Anya: "I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine."
Xander: "Anya, play nice."
Anya: "You know, fine. Take her side instead of mine, even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, and bathes you."
Willow: "She bathes you?"
Xander: "Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort--"
Giles: "Please! Stop. I beg of you."

Buffy: "It looked like they were paying vampires to bite them."
Xander: "NOW I know what to get for the person who has everything."

Xander: "Why don't the vampires just kill them?"
Anya: "Because they get cash, hot-and-cold running blood, and they don't leave any corpses behind, so they don't get hunted."

Buffy: "Vampires are vampires, and my job description is pretty clear."

Anya: "Have a nice day. Don't get killed."

Xander: "I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib. I just want to apologize for the use of the word 'crib.'"

Spike: "Let's be reasonable about this."
Riley: "You may have noticed, Spike... I left reasonable about three exits back."

Spike: "Don't kill the messenger."
Riley: (ramming stake into Spike's chest) "Why the hell not?"

Spike: "Ow! Bloody hell! Oh, god! Hey."
Riley: (pulls out stake) "Plastic wood-grain. Looks real doesn't it?"

Spike: "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
Riley: "Because you are."
Spike: "Well... yeah."

Riley: "Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough."

Spike: "The girl need some monster in her man. And that's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go."

Riley: "If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real."
Spike: "I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?"

Spike: "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you... the scent. No. You got the better deal."
Riley: "I'm the lucky guy. Yeah, I'm the guy."

Anya: "I mean, who hasn't done stuff like that from time to time? I mean, I made this one guy spontaneously combust, and he set his whole village on fire."
Xander: "Can you stop being scary for a minute and listen to what I'm trying to tell you?"

Anya: "A little after-hours hanky-panky in the training room, huh? Boy, Xander and I could tell you some stories."
Xander: "Not now. Let's go, Anya."
Anya: "There's a funny thing with the vaulting horse that you can tr--"
Xander: "Anya!"
Anya: "What? He started it."
Xander: "In your world, maybe. But where the people are, this isn't time for 'Tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.'"

Buffy: "'Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die.'"

Xander: "So, how'd that work out for ya? Make you feel better?"
Buffy: "What are you doing here?"
Xander: "I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw this skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand, but I noticed you grew a few extra ones."

Xander: "You don't want to deal so you hide? Not very Slayer-like."

Buffy: "I thought he was dependable."
Xander: "Dependable? What is he, State Farm?"

Xander: "If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now."
Buffy: "Good, 'cause I don't."
Xander: "I lied."

Xander: "I gotta say something 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life -- like a man. I just thought you might wanna know."

Xander: "You ever have the feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do, and you forgot what it was?"
Anya: "Nope."

Xander: "Sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, 'Where's Riley? Oh, wait, the central republic of Where In the Hell.'"

Anya: "Xander, if you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?"
Xander: "Check. Big bomb clock."

Xander: "Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway."

Anya: "Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah, blah, blah. The next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em, you start going, my goodness, young lady, maybe you're doing something wrong here too."

Buffy: "So, um, about being a nun. You know, um, with the whole abjuring the company of men, you know? How's that working for you? The abjuring."
Nun: "Um, good."
Buffy: "Yeah, do you have to be, like, super-religious?"
Nun: "Well, uh..."
Buffy: "How's the food?"

Giles: "The resources that the Watcher's Council have at their disposal... I mean, the central library alone is--"
Buffy: "Don't talk about the books again. You get all... And sometimes there's drool."

Buffy: "It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as you could throw them."
Giles: "Thank you very much."

Buffy: "These things happen. People break up and they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big picture..."
Giles: "Not so huge."
Buffy: "Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world. Don't you listen?"
(uncomfortable pause) Buffy: "I'm teasing. Sort of."

Willow: "We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane."
Tara: "I said 'quirky.'"

Giles: "Um, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, um, dealing with people requires a certain... finesse."
Anya: "I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods."
Xander: "See there? She'll be great."

Willow: "It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape."

Xander: "So, how goes the slaying?"
Buffy: "I killed something in a convent last night."
Xander: "In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us about the killing, Buff."
Buffy: "Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple."
Xander: "Okay, now we're back to frightening."

Buffy: "No more bathrobe."
Joyce: "I looked at it today, and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, and I just couldn't stand it any more."
Buffy: "I don't think the rest of us will miss it much, either."
Dawn: "It was getting a little ripe, Mom."
Buffy: "Maybe we should burn it."
Dawn: "It would keep the bugs away."

Dawn: "Can I hang out in here?"
Buffy: "Don't touch anything."

Buffy: "It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him. Okay, that's a lie."

Buffy: "Stop being insightful. It's creepy."

Spike: "Uh, there's something I gotta tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed -- by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you, best intentions. You know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right, while he's toddling halfway around the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side. Me, doing you a favor. And you being dead petty about it! Me getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and-- you ungrateful bitch! Bitch!! Buffy, there's something I wanted to tell you..."

Tara: "Hellebore. One of my favorites."
Willow: "It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work, but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together."

Willow: "There Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps. And then she just goes 'Presto!'"
Tara: "Only it won't be 'Presto', exactly."
Willow: "And voomph! There's a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty."
Tara: "You don't want to look right at it, though."

Willow: "It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl. And-- but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years."

Willow: "I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?"

Willow: "We could show you how to do some stuff. You could be floating pencils by the end of the day."
Anya: "Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and have drugs."
Willow: "Look how easy."
Anya: "Hey, don't float the merchandise."

Anya: "Willow's stealing. She's a burglar."
Willow: "Right. the cunning, broad daylight in front of everyone burglar."

Xander: "Hey, hey, Judge Xander requesting a recess here."

Willow: "Oops."
Anya: "The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!"
Willow: "I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat! There. All back. Good as new."

Anya: "She endangered the money!"
Willow: "Of course, that's what she cares about. 'I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.'"
Anya: "Xander, she's pretending to be me!"

Willow: "Hey, Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don't you just say it, like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain."

Willow: "He's not a ball of sunshine."

Buffy: "New semester, new classes, whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by."

Buffy: "I really don't need a daily two-o'clock knife in the heart."

Tara: "Willow says that things always happen for a reason."
Buffy: "Yeah, but you ever notice people only say that about bad things?"

Buffy: "Xander left Anya?"
Tara: "No... Not left her, left her. He just left. It was only a little thing, really."
Buffy: "Little thing? See, the thing is, little things get bigger. You know? And, and if you don't catch the little thing, and then boom! You have this whole huge thing! Not them, with the little things. They can't break up! They have a beautiful love."
Tara: "I think they'll be fine."
Buffy: (sobbing) "They have a miraculous love!"

Willow: "I released him? No, this was definitely a 'we' thing. Or, or a 'you' thing. It definitely feels like a 'you' thing."

Anya: "Well, I don't know how to put the top up. I only just figured out what the left pedal does. It makes us stop!"
Willow: "You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?"
Anya: "Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?"

Willow: "There's a troll on the loose and you're gonna crash Giles' car!"
Anya: "It's likely. We're going very fast."

Willow: "Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still."

Xander: "Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?"
Spike: "Lovely thought."

Spike: "No need to talk about her, then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time."

Olaf: "You do well to flee, townspeople. I will pillage your lands and dwellings. I will burn your crops and make merry with your more attractive daughters."

Xander: "Sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look. This what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her? look."
Spike: "I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know?"
Xander: "Well, she was insane."

Xander: "So, uh... think I should run and get Buffy?"
Olaf: "Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat."
Xander: "I'm gonna run and get Buffy."

Xander: "Maybe you could fight him."
Spike: "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

Anya: "You shouldn't be here. There's a troll."
Xander: "A big guy, hammer? I think I noticed him."

Willow: "I wish Buffy was here."
Buffy: "I'm here."
Willow: "I wish I had a million dollars." (pause) "Just checking."

Olaf: "You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating."
Anya: "Uh, um..."
Xander: "You dated him?"
Buffy: "You dated a troll?"
Willow: "And we're, what, surprised by this?"

Spike: "I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Look at all these lovely, blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. I knew you wouldn't like it."
Buffy: "You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?"
Spike: "Well, yeah."

Willow: "I'm taking everything on relocation spells, suspension spells, and, what the heck, spells to make him really sleepy, because, slightly better."

Willow: "You're so rude. I mean, sure, at first-- ex-demon: doesn't know the rules. Well, you've been here forever. Learn the rules."
Anya: "Rules are stupid."

Willow: "You spent, what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your thousand-years-of-hurting-men gold watch."

Anya: "Is this the spell?"
Willow: "Only if you want him to double in size, and grow extra arms, which... let's not."

Anya: "I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you and your lips."
Willow: "No, it was not! Well, yes, it was so."

Willow: "Hello, gay now."

Olaf: "I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins! But instead, I had to come all the way back here to kill you."

Willow: "'E conspectu abeat monstrum.'" (cash register disappears) "Damn."

Willow: "Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off."
Anya: "I don't know how."
Willow: "Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off."
Anya: "Oh, thanks."

Olaf: "My god, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were."

Buffy: "Where did you send him?"
Anya: "The land of the trolls. He'll like it there -- full of trolls."
Willow: "It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it."
Anya: "It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp."
Tara: "There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic."

Giles: "I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days."
Buffy: "Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help."
Giles: "Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that."

Buffy: "Arrive? They're coming here? Now? Why do they have to come here?"
Xander: "Yeah, don't they have phones? (in fake Brit accent) 'ello, Buffy! Here's some stuff we know, pip, pip!"
Buffy: "Yeah! Phones. See, I'd like them on phones."
Tara: "Well, what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, Watchers. That's just like other Gileses, right?"
Buffy: "Yeah! They're scary and horrible."

Giles: "Essentially, their agenda is the same as ours. They want to save the world and kill demons."
Anya: "Kill the CURRENT demons, right? CURRENT demons."

Buffy: "They put me through that test and almost killed me. And then when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now."

Anya: "They don't sound very ex-demon compatible."

Tara: "Are you sure they're English? I thought English people were, uh, gentler... than normal people."

Glory: "I have been cooling my heels in this crappy little town long enough. Sunnydale's got too many demons and not enough retail outlets."

Jinx: "All you need is the key."
Glory: "Yes, and I bet Mousey the Vampire Slayer has an idea where it is."

Giles: "If you're serious about this, madam, you need to be very careful. Measure precisely, and please, don't step ahead."
Quentin: "Oh, he's quite right. You wouldn't want to do anything dangerous. Turn the wrong person... into a badger."

Watcher: "This statue... its removal from Burma is a criminal offense, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs."
Giles: "In that case, I severely underpriced it."

Anya: "Customers! Please, bring your money back."

Anya: "Council? You're the Council? Welcome to our store. We're closed now. I'll be in the back."

Giles: "You all stand around and look somber. Good job."

Quentin: "You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us."
Giles: "You used to pay me."

Professor: "They held the tenet that in order to be forgiven, one first had to sin. Rasputin embraced this doctrine and proceeded to sin impressively and repeatedly."

Buffy: "There's also a near-consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400's and they're, like, discovering this America-shaped continent."

Professor: "Maybe you'd prefer I'd step aside so the you can teach your own course: Speculation 101 perhaps? Intro to Flights of Fancy?"

Buffy: "Maybe you would like to teach your own class!"
Vampire: "Who're you talking to?"

Spike: "I saved you."
Buffy: "I was regrouping."
Spike: "You were about to be regrouped into separate piles."

Spike: "Wishing I was your boyfriend What's-his-height? Oh, wait, he's run off."

Buffy: "I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason."
Spike: "Don't need or can't keep?"

Spike: "Maybe that's your problem -- maybe you push them away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe, your beauty's fading, the stress of slaying ageing you prematurely -- things not as high, not as firm."

Ben: "Don't touch me -- you're... crusty."

Jinx: "She's short, symmetrical, hair on top. Buffy something?"

Quentin: "The council fights evil. The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight. The Council remains, the Slayers change. It's been that way from the beginning."
Giles: "That's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it, isn't it?"

Glory: "All he has to do is turn over that tiny, squirming, Slayer girl!"

Glory: "Sweet, lumpy minion. You're the only one that understands. Probably because I haven't sucked your brain out yet."

Giles: "It's about who has the power."
Buffy: "I'm guessing they do. Big power outage in Buffy country."

Giles: "I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done."
Buffy: "Giles, that Travers guy is like 60. I can't hit him. Can I?"

Giles: "They can kill you with the strike of a pen -- poncy sods."

Giles: "Holding what they know hostage with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less."

Anya: "Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins, 20 years old, born on the 4th of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, Mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now."
Watcher: "So, you spell it A-N-Y-A, then?"

Watcher: "I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you -- your relationship, whatever you can tell me."
Tara: "Our relationship?"
Willow: "We're friends."
Tara: "Good friends."
Willow: "Girlfriends, actually."
Tara: "Yes, we're girlfriends."
Willow: "We're in love. We're lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers."
Watcher: "I meant your relationship with the Slayer."
Tara: "Um... just good friends."

Watcher: "So, you have no special skills or powers or knowledge you bring to the mix, neither of you?"
Anya: "Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons!"

Xander: "We merged, and I was the heart part of a Super-Buffy. Again, let me stress the not-as-weird thing."

Watcher: "Interesting. What level are you at?"
Tara: "Level?"
Watcher: "Magical proficiency level?"
Willow: "Oh, uh, high -- high level. Very high. One of those top levels."
Tara: "Five."
Watcher: "And you're registered as practicing witches under the names as you gave them to me?"
Tara: "R-r-r-registered?"

Spike: "Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping."
Watcher: "You've noticed a decline in her work?"
Spike: "Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments and she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words."

Spike: "Heard of me, have you?"
Watcher: "I... wrote my thesis on you."

Quentin: "Agility, clarity, stamina, and strength. These are the qualities that the Slayer must possess to do her job."
Buffy: "What came after agility?"

Glory: "Buffy, if I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already."

Glory: "Ooh, I like her! She's sassy. And I'll kill her. I'll kill your mom, I'll kill your friends, and I'll make you watch when I do."

Glory: "Obviously, this is a one-time only deal. Next time we meet, something you love dies bloody."

Spike: "Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there, I was worried."

Spike: "They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?"
Buffy: "No."
Spike: "Be funny if they did."

Spike: "Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge."
Dawn: "Do you mean, like, real blood?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Mostly, I think ewww!"

Spike: "Yeah, yeah. 'anything happens to 'em, I'll stake you good and proper.' Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale."

Joyce: "I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place."

Spike: "Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."
Joyce: "Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?"
Spike: "Oh, no, no. she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake."

Tara: "Why doesn't Mr. Giles put them all out of here?"
Xander: "Because if they deport him, they're not just destroying his career, they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers, and mash."

Buffy: "Uh, guys? Any way we could not do this?"

Buffy: "No review. No interrogation. No questions you know I can't answer. No hoops, no jumps. And no interruptions."

Buffy: "She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't."

Watcher: "Oh, this is beyond insolence!"
(Buffy throws sword across room and into wall inches from Watcher) Buffy: "I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions."
Xander: "That was excellent!"

Buffy: "You can't do anything with the information you have, except maybe publish it in the Everyone-Thinks-We're- Insano's Home Journal."

Buffy: "The magic shop will remain open, Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary."
Giles: (coughing) "Retroactive."
Buffy: "To be paid retroactively from the month he was fired."

Buffy: "I will continue my work with the help of my friends."
Watcher: "I-I, uh, I don't want a sword thrown at me, but... civilians... we're talking about children."
Buffy: "We're talking about two very powerful witches, and a thousand-year-old ex-demon."
Anya: "Willow's a demon?!"

Watcher: "The boy? No power there."
Buffy: "'The boy's' clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit."
Willow: "That's Riley-speak."
Xander: "I've clocked field time!"

Quentin: "Uh... Rupert..."
Giles: "Quintin?"
Quentin: "When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt Scotch behind the incense holders..."
Giles: "It's--it's not, you know, during working hours..."
Quentin: "I think I could use a glass."

Buffy: "Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting."
Quentin: "Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon."
Buffy: "What is she?"
Quentin: "She's a god."
Buffy: "Oh."

Willow: "This is exactly what you need. A 20th birthday party with... with presents and funny hats and those candles that don't blow out. Those used to scare me."
Tara: "Me too."

Xander: "We're going up against a god. An actual, mightier-than-thou god."
Willow: "Well, you know what they say: the bigger they are--"
Anya: "The faster they stomp you into nothing."

Giles: "All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane."
Xander: "A crazy hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving!"

Tara: "She... she's a brain sucker?"

Buffy: "I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger."
Xander: "As opposed to the other kind we're always in?"

Glory: "Never send a minion to do a god's work."

Glory: "Hey, nice sword. Bet it hurts."

Willow: "We're doing an early-warning incantation. If anything hellgod-ishly powerful comes within a hundred feet of the shop, then screechy siren things will, you know, screech."

Dawn: "Can I help?"
Willow: "Well, I don't think Buffy would like the black arts bumping auras with the littlest Summers."

Dawn: "What's up with you? Did you get into the sugar again?"

Xander: "Anya, you want to help me with that thing?"
Anya: "Xander needs help with his thing!"

Giles: "I'm not sure our regular workout is challenging you anymore. Perhaps we should make it harder."
Buffy: "You always think harder is better. Maybe the next time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks and use a stake made of butter."

Buffy: "How was school today?"
Dawn: "The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair."
Buffy: "Just how I remember it."

Dawn: "I just think you're freaking out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?"
Buffy: "Glory is evil and powerful... and in no way prettier than me."

Buffy: "Prezzies!"
Willow: "See, just what you needed."
Buffy: "You are very, very wise. Now, gimmee, gimmee, gimmee!"

Anya: "This is extremely suspenseful. I want the presents!"

Tara: "We thought you'd get lots of crossbows and other killy stuff."
Willow: "Yeah, so we figured, less killy, more frilly."

Anya: "Oh, it's just so lovely! Oh, I wish it was mine! Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing."
Giles: "I'm fairly certain I wasn't. I've got one just like it."

Dawn: "Well, geeze, don't get all movie-of-the-week."

Dawn: "Why does everybody start acting all weird when I'm around?"
Xander: "Me? Me not weird."

Anya: "We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff."
Xander: "Anya..."
Anya: "You know, like, say there's a fireman or a shepherd--"
Buffy: "You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now."

Dawn: "Geeze! Lurk much?"
Spike: "I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe."

Spike: "Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?"
Dawn: "Is that supposed to scare me?"
Spike: (sighs) "Little tremble wouldn't hurt."

Dawn: "Come on. I'm badder than you."
Spike: "Are not!"

Spike: "Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between her and there. Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't set too well with big sister."
Dawn: "I can take care of myself. (pause) You want to come steal some stuff?"
Spike: "Yeah, all right."

Spike: "Where'd he learn to write so bloody small, a fruit fly?"

Spike: "'The monks possessed the ability to transform energy... bend reality.' Blah, blah, blah. Good lord, Giles writes as dull as he talks, doesn't he?"

Buffy: "No contact with civilians. There's probably a code name for it. You know, like 'radio silence.' It's 'greeting card silence.'"

Buffy: "Maybe it's time to start a new tradition... birthdays without boyfriends. It could be just as much fun."
Willow: "Preaching to the choir here, baby."

Dawn: "What am I? Am I real? Am I anything?"

Spike: "Morning, Sunshine. If you've come around for eggs or sausage, I'm fresh out."

Spike: "Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they?"

Spike: "Maybe if YOU had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of 'kick the Spike.'"

Monk: "The Knights of Byzantium are like ants. First you see one, then two... then the picnic's ruined."

Ben: "What is she going to do? Send a six-pack of minions to bore me to death?"

Buffy: "The Slayer is the only thing standing between Dawn and this god from the bitch dimension that wants to shove her in some kind of lock and give her a good twirl."

Buffy: "We have to find her, and fast. Before Glory or the Knights of hack and slash figure out what-- WHO she really is."

Xander: "You know, she kinda has a crush on me."
Giles: "Your point being?"
Xander: "Well, nothing... No, just saying, powerful being... big energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?"

Spike: "She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a 14-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's crewing her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel."

Spike: "You'll find her just in the nick of time. That's what you hero types do."

Ben: "Couldn't find any marshmallows. I'll try to steal some for next time."
Dawn: "Don't like 'em anyway."
Ben: "What? Is that even possible?"
Dawn: "Too squishy. When I was five, Buffy told me they were monkey brains and..."

Glory: "Ugh, cotton! Could a fabric be more annoyingly pedestrian? Now this is what I'm talking about. Makes your skin sing!"

Glory: "I'm in a bit of a crunch here, so let's cut right to the ooey, gooey center. Your sister, the Slayer, has my key. It's mine, I want it. Do you know where she squirreled it away? There's ice cream and puppy dogs in it for you if you start singing."

Dawn: "Is it evil?"
Glory: "Totally! Well, no, not really."

Glory: "Two birds, one stone, and boom. You have yummy dead birds."

Glory: "Hey, we were just talking about you."
Buffy: "Conversation's over, hellbitch."

Buffy: "What did you do to her?"
Willow: "Teleportation spell. Still working out the kinks."
Buffy: "Where'd you send her?"
Willow: "Don't know. That's one of the kinks."

Buffy: "You are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't."

Buffy: "I have to get you home now. Mom's freaking out."
Dawn: "Oh. Is she mad about the whole fire thing?"
Buffy: "I think you sort of have a 'get out of jail free' card on account of big love and trauma."
Dawn: "Really? Okay. Good. You think she'd raise my allowance?"
Buffy: "Don't push it."

Buffy: "I'm back by popular demand."

Joyce: "I'm relieved that you're home. Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone... At first, and then I remembered that Rupert was here, and I felt much, much safer."
Giles: "Yes, thank you for that little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house."

Giles: "About the best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have. Any special treatment at this stage is likely to undermine Dawn's sense of normality."
Buffy: "You think so?"
Giles: "Absolutely."
Buffy: "Thanks. Dawn!"
Dawn: "What?"
Buffy: "What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?"

Harmony: "Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much, with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen-- eek! Oh, Spike!"

Tara: "Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy."
Willow: "What did you think, Buffy?"
Buffy: "Test isn't until tomorrow, right? I don't have an opinion till then."
Willow: "But you read it, right?"
Buffy: "Kind of not. I rented the movie."
Tara: "Oh, with Charles Laughton?"
Buffy: "I don't know. Was he one of the singing gargoyles?"
Willow: "Oh, boy."
Buffy: "I'm kidding!"

Buffy: "'Unconfirmed reports of severe trauma to the throats of one or more of the victims.' Survey says... vampire."

Spike: "I've got things to do. Bad, evil things."

Spike: "They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect."
Dawn: "I feel safe with you."
Spike: [chokes] "Take that back!"

Dawn: "And the lady just invited you in?"
Spike: "Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite."
Dawn: "And did you... let him live?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Oh."
Spike: "Too much for you?"
Dawn: "No, keep going."
Spike: "And I kill 'em, right quick. The whole lot. But... there's someone missing. There's supposed to be this little girl... So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder... it's very, very quiet..."
[door slams open]
Spike: "Oh, bloody hell."

Buffy: "Yeah, let's hear the story Spike is telling my little sister."
Spike: "Right. Yeah. So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. And I rip it open, very violently, and haul her out of there. And then I gave her to a good family, in a nice home, where they're never, ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin."

Buffy: "Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad."

Buffy: "Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is dangerous, and... icky."

Buffy: "You cannot have a crush on something that is dead and evil and a vampire."

Dawn: "Spike's completely in love with you."
Buffy: "Huh?"

Xander: "So, tell me again what we're looking for?"
Buffy: "Clues."
Xander: "Okay. Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues?"

Buffy: "She thinks that... she said that... Spike's in love with me."
Xander: (laughs)
Buffy: "I'm not joking."
Xander: "Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true."

Xander: "How did she come to this extremely entertaining conclusion?"

Buffy: "I think she has a crush on him."
Xander: "What?"
Buffy: "I mean, I always knew that he had this... weird fixation with me..."
Xander: "I'm the one she has a crush on. Me! It's always been me. Big, funny Xander! Oh, what, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore? Why is that okay?"

Spike: "I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing."
Buffy: "Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles-- hit UP Giles."

Spike: "Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks."

Buffy: "Eww."
Spike: "It's not blood, it's bourbon."
Buffy: "Eww."

Spike: "Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind."

Buffy: "These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested."
Spike: "So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?"

Buffy: "The late night stake-out, the bogus suspects, the flask... is this a date?"
Spike: "A... please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean-- do you want it to be?"

Spike: "You can't deny it-- there's something between us."
Buffy: "Loathing. Disgust."
Spike: "Heat. Desire."

Buffy: "You're like a serial killer in jail."
Spike: "Women marry 'em all the time!"

Buffy: "You don't know what feelings are."
Spike: "I damn well do! I lie awake every night."
Buffy: "You sleep during the day!"
Spike: "Yeah, bu-- You are missing the point."

Spike: "Sounds fun."
Drusilla: "It is. Like lollipops at the circus."

Spike: "Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? 'You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up some day.'"

Harmony: "Now you've gone and picked up some cheap Queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Droodzilla."

Harmony: "No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron."

Harmony: "After breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart!"
Drusilla: [mouths to Spike] "Boo-Boo?"

Spike: "I think it'd be best now if you hit the road."
Harmony: "Why? Because she's back?"
Spike: "No. Because I am."

Joyce: "Honey, did you, somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Send him signals? Buffy: "Well, I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base."

Willow: "Buffy, you have to talk to him again."
Buffy: "What? No! No, no, no. I have to avoid him again."

Joyce: "Better to nip this in the bud before..."
Buffy: "The bud nips me?"

Willow: "If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowlin'."

Buffy: "Maybe this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead."
Willow: "Her's hoping."

Drusilla: "You've taken my chair. and the music hasn't stopped."

Drusilla: "We love quite well... if not wisely."

Spike: "I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you."
Buffy: "That doesn't prove anything... except that you're a sick, miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey! Already there."

Spike: "Don't mock this."
Buffy: "Go mock yourself."

Spike: "What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!"
Buffy: "Which question do you want me to answer first?"

Harmony: "I gave you the best bunch of months of my life!"

Drusilla: "That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson."
Spike: "Oh, so now you're all ganging up."

Buffy: "What part of punching you in the face did you not understand?"

Buffy: "Spike! Spike wants me -- how obscene is that?"
Giles: "Well, it is very strange, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Not that you're not attractive!"

Buffy: "I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, 'Woof! That's the one for me.'"

Buffy: "Oh, puffy Xander. I'm sorry, I got-- I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?"
Xander: "I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain."
Buffy: "Do you want to sit down?"
Xander: "I'm not that bendy. I could lean."

Buffy: "Comfy?"
Xander: "Oh, yeah. This leaning -- this is the stuff."

Buffy: "See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell, and-- sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it."

Xander: "He can come along any minute."
Buffy: "Yeah, and the minute after that, I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement."

Buffy: "I could laugh at his jokes. Men like that, right? The joke laughing at?"

Xander: "This is the day you choose to hug me?"

Xander: "You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is because it's a Hellmouth?"

Guy: "What are you looking for in Sunnydale, anyway?"
April: "True love."

Buffy: "I might like it more than the others. Can you spin around again?"
Dawn: "Ooh, I'm not sure. Once more."
Buffy: "Now could you go the other way?"
Joyce: "You're messing with me."
Buffy: "We just wanted to see how many times we could get you to do it."
Dawn: "Was that five or four-and-a-half?"

Joyce: "So is anyone gonna talk about my dress?"
Dawn: "I like it."
Joyce: "You sure? it's not too Mom-ish?"
Dawn: "Oh. That was why I liked it."
Buffy: "You're both crazy. It's not Mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, 'Randy sex kitten -- buy me one drink and I'll--' Oh, wait, that's not really good, either."
Dawn: "Mm-mmm."

Joyce: "What time is it?"
Buffy: "4:23. You have lots of time until 7:00. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops."

Joyce: "He's a nice, normal guy, okay?"
Buffy: "I think I've heard of those."

Buffy: "Oh, no -- love doctor Buffy is not in. I'm not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left."

Dawn: "You're going to that Spring Break party tonight. Maybe you'll find someone there."
Buffy: "Or maybe Brian has a son and Mom and I can go on some unspeakably awkward double dates."

Joyce: "What time is it now?"
Buffy: "4:24."

Tara: "Willow's good with all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?"
Anya: "Oh, well at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, 'Whoa, I'm 1100 years old.' I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."
Tara: "I go on-line sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's depressing."

Anya: "I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope."

Xander: "How you doing? Having o' the fun?"
Buffy: "You know, I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy."
Xander: "I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin."

Willow: "A good deed."
Anya: "Yes. I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now."

Buffy: "And again with the non-medical clothing."
Ben: "Well, actually, these are orthopedic pants." (pause) "Man, that sounded so funny in my head."
Buffy: (fake laughs) "It's very, very funny. It's funny in my head, too."

Anya: "She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely."
Xander: "Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl."

Xander: "Somehow, I don't think a girl that looks like that is gonna be lonely for too long."
Willow: "Definitely not!" (Tara looks at her suspiciously) "Oh, not me."

Spike: "Oh, dear. If looks could stake."

Spike: "If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me."

Ben: "Was that guy bothering you? Should I offer to get inappropriately violent or something?"

Buffy: "What's that?"
Ben: "Oh, yeah, my phone number. I was gonna try to subtly work it into the conversation, but it didn't pan out, and I thought I should try to give it to you before you see me dance."

Buffy: "I think you should know that I kind of have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee and, well, it all ends with you leaving town, and you just got here and everything..."
Ben: "Apparently we'd be risking a tragic chain reaction, but I just really like... coffee. I think coffee might be worth it. And I would like to get to know coffee better."

April: "That would be wrong. You are not my boyfriend!"

Spike: "Bloody hell. You threw me through a window! What's that about?"
April: "You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend."
Spike: "You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren."

Buffy: "Ow! I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me."

Tara: "At least she didn't do too much damage."
Xander: "Are you kidding? Double-glazed glass ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. Oh, dear god, I'm the grown-up who sees the world through my job. I'm like my Uncle Dave the plumber, and I must be shunned."
Willow: "Okay."

Buffy: "This may sound dumb, but I kind of got the impression that she was a--"
Tara: "Robot."
Xander & everyone: "Oh yeah, robot."

Willow: "It's an unusual name. There's hardly any, except Warren Beatty, and, you know, President Harding. It's probably not either of them."

Willow: "I'm not sure this is a code red. Hey, is there a code pink? We need more codes."

Buffy: "Tonight, I better go back and rescue Giles. He's been watching Dawn while my Mom's out on her date. And I have a feeling there's only so much he can take."
Tara: "Oh, Giles and Dawny? I bet they ended up having a blast."
...
Giles: "Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take."

Buffy: "What did she make you do?"
Giles: "Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."

Buffy: "If it makes you feel any better, my fun-time-Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So, if you want to trade-- No, wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything!"

Buffy: "Unless you want to stay for a while, then you and I could--"
Joyce: "Who wants to hear everything?"
Buffy: "...listen to my mom talk about boys."
Giles: "Right. Must go. See you tomorrow."

Buffy: "I didn't even see a good-night kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me."
Joyce: "I suppose, by your standards, it could seem pretty... Oh, dear."
Buffy: "What?"
Joyce: "I left my bra in his car."
Buffy: "Mother!"
Joyce: "I'm joking."
Buffy: "Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that."
Joyce: "I left it in the restaurant."
Buffy: "No more! No more! No more!"
Joyce: "On the dessert cart."
Buffy: "I can't hear you!"

Tara: "She practically had 'genuine molded plastic' stamped on her ass." (everyone looks at her, startled) "Just trying a little spicy talk."

Tara: "Do you have any books on robots?"
Giles: "Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before-- No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."
Xander: "Funny. Charming and funny."

Xander: "She's a sexbot. I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything." (pause) "Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it."

Buffy: "I found your number in my pocket, and, you know, I figured I'd pick up the phone a couple of times and then hang up and then finally call and see if maybe you wanted to get that cup of coffee or..."

Ben: "Oh, fine!"

Warren: "There's something you need to know about her."
Buffy: "I know."
Warren: "No, wait, this is important."
Buffy: "Believe me, I worked it out."
Warren: "No, this is something that you can't possibly know. She's a robot."
Buffy: "Uh-huh."

Xander: "Nah, forget it. Letting him in is good, 'cause then we get to toss him out."
Anya: "Ooh, can we throw him out the window like the robot did? 'Cause that was neat."

Giles: "We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy."

Warren: "Yeah, I felt like I deserved to have someone. I mean, everyone deserves to have someone."
Buffy: "So naturally, you turned to manufacturing."

Buffy: "Swell. Romance and magnetic trains."

Buffy: "Is she dangerous?"
Warren: "She's only programmed to be in love."
Buffy: "Then she's dangerous."

Buffy: "She growls? You made her so she growls?"
Warren: "Well..."

Buffy: "Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry. But... there might be rust issues."
April: "Crying is blackmail. Good girlfriends don't cry."
Buffy: "Oh."

April: "When things are sad, you just have to be patient. Because... because every cloud has a silver lining. And when life gives you lemons... make lemonade."
Buffy: "Clouds and lemonade, huh?"

Xander: "I think I've actually turned into someone you want around after a crazed robot attack."
Buffy: "And if you ever start your own business, you have your slogan right there."

Xander: "Robots are the strangest people."

Spike: "I'm placing an order."
Warren: "Oh, no, I'm not making any more girls."
Spike: "Sure you are. Here's your specs."

Joyce: "I think we're just about ready for pie."
Xander: "And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf."
Buffy: "Xander!"
Dawn: "Gross."
Xander: "You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness."
Joyce: "I'm taking it as a compliment."
Giles: "Yes, everything was delicious."
Anya: "Yes. I'm going to barf, too."
Joyce: "Everyone's so sweet."

Xander: "Are you in the vomit club, too?"
Willow: "I had too much nog."
Tara: "Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I-- Uh, stop explaining things."

Dawn: "My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it."
Willow: "That's bad."
Xander: "Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound."

Willow: "Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off... could be the big honk menorah."

Dawn: "Um, guys -- hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing."
Anya: "That's a myth."
Dawn: "Yeah."
Anya: "No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus."
Xander: "The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop."
Tara: "There's a Santa Claus?"
Anya: "Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true."
Dawn: "All true?"
Anya: "Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise..."
Willow: "The reindeer part was nice."

Giles: "Want to open another?"
Joyce: "Do we dare?"
Buffy: "As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything."

Joyce: "You are a demon child."
Buffy: "I live to torment you. Is that so wrong?"
Joyce: "A daughter's duty, I suppose."

Dawn: "What a prima be-yatch. I swear, if I could make her head explode using only the power of my mind, that's what I'd be doing right about now."

Dawn: "You know, my big sister could really beat the crap out of her. I mean, REALLY really."

Willow: "It just happened."
Xander: "Things don't happen! I mean, they don't JUST happen. Somebody's... I mean, somebody's got..."
Willow: "Okay, Let's go. Come on. You and me, come on..."
Xander: "You know I can't take you."
Willow: "Damn straight."

Anya: "I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why."

Xander: (boom) "Sorry. Sorry, some... pent-up..."
Willow: "Xander... where did your hand go?"
Xander: "As I was saying, some frustration and now, um... I appear to be stuck."

Anya: "You could have hit an electrical... thing."
Xander: "And again with the sorry."
Willow: "Did it make you feel better?"
Xander: "For a second there."
Willow: "A whole second."

Xander: "Who did the drywall in this place?"
Willow: "I always forget to ask."

Tara: "Did I miss something?"
Anya: "Xander decided that he blames the wall."

Dawn: "Dawn: "I have to pee."
Buffy: "Do you want someone to go with you?"
Dawn: "No. I still remember how to pee."

Anya: "I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice. And now we all hurt."
Xander: "Anya -- ever the wordsmith."
Buffy: "Thank you."

Willow: "We panicked."
Buffy: "Uh-huh."

Xander: "You going home?"
Willow: "I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. I've been doing that a lot lately."
Xander: "Yeah, I actually might stop by your mom's too. (off Willow's look) Well, I'm not going to my place. Those people are scary."

Xander: "Oh, like you care about her."
Spike: "Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand!"
Xander: "And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched."
Spike: "I liked the lady! You understand, Monkey Boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak."
Xander: "Her mistake."

Willow: "The only thing is, it will get better, I promise."
Dawn: "You don't know that."
Tara: "Sure she does! We're witches. We know stuff."

Anya: "Hmmm... that was different."
Xander: "Yeah, it was more intense."
Anya: "Because of Joyce."
Xander: "Yeah... What?"

Anya: "Well, I just think understand sex now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life."
Xander: "Right. When two people are much older, and way richer, and far less stupid."
Anya: "Breathe. You're turning colors."

Ben: "Tell my sister I'm sick of running into her Jawa rejects."

Ben: "You're more fun when I hit you."

Jinx: "It's just-- Glory would like to encourage this interest of yours in the Slayer. It might lead to more information about The Key."
Ben: "And why would I share that with the Most Unstable One?"

Giles: "You don't have to do that Dawn. Just... just relax."
Anya: "Yes, sit down. We have some very amusing chicken feet you could play with."

Giles: "Then useful you shall be! We can always use a hand."
Anya: "But you have a hand. A paid hand. A hand that isn't the hand of the illegal child labor."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "But of course it's wonderful that you find doing my job so distracting! I am unthreatened. Proceed."

Anya: "Ring up sales? With the money? She gets to fondle the money? Customer! Hello, customer! How may I serve you?"

Dawn: "I know why you're doing this."
Spike: "Do you now? Enlighten me."
Dawn: "Spike, I'm not stupid. You're, like, stalking my sister. You'd do anything to get in good with her."
Spike: "Buffy never hears about this, O.K.? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest!"

Flunky: "I'm sure Jinx is on his way, Your New-And-Improvedness!"

Glory: "Jinxy! Oh, no! No, no! -- Mind the rug, Honeys, blood's a bitch. -- Was this the Slayer? I'll pull her wings off!"

Glory: "Jinx! You robed stud! You're my man! I'm even gonna let you slide on the lame toadying, on account of you're dying and stuff!"

(Jinx expires)
Glory: "Oh. Get him fixed, would you? I want to hear the full story again, without all that annoying moaning."

Spike: "Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy!"

Willow: "You had two eggs, sunny-side-up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs."
Tara: "Sassy eggs."

Buffy: "Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked."
Giles: "Oh, come on. I like to help. Helping you two out makes me feel useful."
Dawn: "Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? You could feel indispensible."

Buffy: "Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them."
Dawn: "Hey! I was, like, five then."

Buffy: "I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."

Buffy: "I love you. Really love you."
Dawn: "Gettin' weird."
Buffy: "Sorry, but it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love."
(cut to) Spike: "Some say it's better than the real thing."

Buffy: "What's in the trunk?"
Giles: "Supplies."
Buffy: "Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?"
Giles: "How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs."
Buffy: "I don't think I'll be that hungry."
Giles: "They're for me."

Buffy: "A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"
Giles: "Buffy, please!... It takes more than a week to bleach bones."

Buffy: "So, how does it start?"
Giles: "I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I... uh... shake my gourd."
Buffy: "Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."
Giles: "Go quest."

Buffybot: "I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body."
Spike: "Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go."
Buffybot: "No! No, Spike. Never let me go!"

Tara: "Oh yeah, Willow wants to watch this thing on The History Channel tonight -- Salem witch trial stuff, which is only gonna get her all upset."
Anya: "I was there. It really wasn't that bad. See if you were really a witch you'd do a spell to escape. So really it was only bad for the falsely accused, and, well, they never have a good time."

Buffybot: "You're evil."
Spike: "And that excites you?"
Buffybot: "It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't."
Spike: "Yeah?"
Buffybot: "Darn your sinister attraction!"

Buffybot: "Spike, I can't help myself! I love you!"
Spike: "You're mine, Buffy."
Buffybot: "Should I start this program over again?"

Willow: "It's got last week's notes too. Just get it back to me by Thursday... and don't write on it, or...or put a coffee mug down on it or anything... and don't spill. O.K. Oh, oh! And don't fold the page corners down. Bye!"

Buffybot: [Desktop Icons and Readout]

Hard Drive
Slaying
Locate Spike
Make Spike Happy
kissing01
kissing02
positions01
positions02
positions03
positions04
positions05...

Buffybot: [Readout]

XANDER:
>FRIEND
>CARPENTER
>DATES ANYA

ANYA:
>DATES XANDER
>LIKES MONEY
>EX-DEMON

Buffybot: "I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking! You're my friend. And a carpenter!"

Xander: "I wish Giles had told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there."
Anya: "Oh, you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prarie dog or something."

Willow: "Those darn Salem judges, with their Less-Satanic-Than-Thou attitudes!"
Tara: "Oh honey, let's change it. The Discovery Channel has koala bears."

Tara: "Everyone? Before we jump all over her: People do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night."
Anya: "Buffy's boinking Spike."
(pause) Willow: "Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful... and we shouldn't judge..."
Tara: "What, are you kidding? She's nuts!"

Tara: "You aren't really going to slap her, are you?"
Xander: "No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike one more time I will definitely knock myself unconscious."

Spike: "She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well I'm not going to deny her. I'm not a monster."
Xander: "Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them."
Spike: "Well, yeah. You got me there."

Buffybot: [Readout]

WILLOW:
>BEST FRIEND
>GAY (1999-PRESENT)
>WITCH
>GOOD WITH COMPUTERS

Willow: "So, just this one time, you did something kinda crazy..."
Buffybot: "It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches!"

Buffybot: "Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid."

Xander: "The guys who work for Glory, you said they're kinda like hobbits with leprosy? Well this was a whole flock of hobbits."

Glory: (re: Spike) "What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?"

Spike: "Damn right I'm impure! I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow."

Anya: "We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike."
Buffy: "The who whatting how with huh?"
Anya: "O.k., that's denial. That usually comes before anger."
Buffy: "I'm not having sex with Spike!"
Anya: (nods) "Anger."

Xander: "No one is judging you. It's understandable-- Spike is strong and myseterious, and sort of compact, but well-muscled...."
Buffy: "I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!"

Xander: "We saw you and Spike with the straddling...."
Buffybot: "Spike's mine! Who's straddling Spike?"
Buffy: "Oh my God..."
Xander: "And so say all of us."

Buffybot: "Hey! You look just like me! We're very pretty."

Xander: "Spike must have had her built so he could program her to..."
Buffy: "Oh, God!"
Willow: "Imagine the things..."
Buffy: "No! No imagining, any of you."
Xander: (raises hand) "Already got the visual."

Buffybot: "You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean, really!"

Flunky: We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!"

Glory: "I am a god."
Spike: "The god of what? Bad home perms?"
Glory: "Shut up! I command you: Shut up!"
Spike: "Yeah, o.k. Sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you."
(she power-kicks him across the room, through the wall... and out of his chains) Spike: (spitting up more blood) "Good plan, Spike."

Dawn: "We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with."
Tara: "It sounded convincing when I thought it!"

Anya: "Uck! It looks very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts."

Spike: "'Cuz Buffy -- the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. Couldn't live, her being that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."

Buffy: "What you did for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it."

Prof. Lillian: "I'm glad you like poetry, Buffy."
Buffy: "I wish I had time for it. But I just don't right now."
Prof. Lillian: "Well, maybe short poems."
Buffy: "Like those Japanese ones that... um, sound like a sneeze?"
Prof. Lillian: "Haiku?"

Ben: "Can I just tell you its not my fault?"
Ben's Ex-Boss: "Sure. You can also tell me that the dog ate your homework. Or maybe eating Twinkies made you do it. Or maybe, yeah, that there's really a wicked demonic creature living inside you that takes control of your body and forces you to do its bidding."

Ben: "This is so unfair. You're taking everything away from me. Everything I worked for, I earned, I care about. These are my choices, this is my life, and you're ruining it! No. No. Not here. Not now. Please. I'm Ben. I'm Ben! I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben!"
(morphs)
Glory: "I'm hungry!"

Glory: (sigh) "They got this part right that's for sure. A lot of sucky things in this dimension. Bubble bath-- not one of them!"

Glory: "I asked for The Key and you brought me a vampire. A pulseless, impure, follically-fried vampire. Loofah!"

Buffy: "You lied to me?"
Dawn: "I didn't lie... exactly..."
Buffy: "Oh, really? What about all those times I asked you how school was and you said, 'Fine'?"
Dawn: "Well, it was! You didn't ask if I was in it when it was fine..."

Xander: "Honey. Old saying: A watched customer never buys."
Anya: "They would if they were patriotic!"
Xander: (sotto voce to Willow) "O.k., I'm going in." (to Anya) "'Patriotic'?"
Anya: "Yes! I've recently come to realize that there is more to me than just being human. I'm also an American."
Giles: "Yes, I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking. I mean, you were born here -- your mortal self."
Anya: (to Giles) "Well that's right, foreigner!" (to Willow & Xander) "So I've been reading a lot about the Good 'Ol Us of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that has helped to shape and define it."
Willow: "Democracy?"
Anya: "Capitalism!"

Anya: "Look at 'em! Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs! All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's Un-American."
Giles: "Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness."

Anya: "Oh! And you know what else is un-American? French people!"
Willow: "You don't say."
Anya: "From what I hear, they don't tip. French old people, now that's really the bottom of the barrel."
Xander: "An! Hows about we try being just a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive. Not us -- just you."

Xander: "Hey, what's up? It's Dawn Giovanni and the Buffster!"

Xander: "And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... uh, you know I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all 'bras', so something slightly more manly -- think of me as that."

Buffy: "I want you to do it. You can be the foot-putting-down-er!"
Giles: "No, Buffy, I don't think I can."
Buffy: "Please! Pretty please! I mean your foot is way bigger than mine... and you're so much more grown up than me!"

Buffy: "Right. She needs me. Me the grown-up. The authority figure. The strong guiding hand and stompy foot that is me!"
Giles: "That's the spirit."
Buffy: "O.K. I can do this."
Giles: "I know you can."
Buffy: "Please!"
Giles: "No."

Willow: "So we made a triangle with our bodies. And that's when I called Xander obtuse, and he got really grumpy. And then Dawn said we were a-cute triangle and, well, hilarity ensued."

Willow: "Don't be grumpy with her! Who among us can resist the allure of really funny math puns?"
Buffy: "It's really important that Dawn finishes her schoolwork right now."
Willow: "Yeah, I know, but we were having good, clean, educational fun, and then all of a sudden it was all gloom and doom and the outlawing of human triangles."
Buffy: "It's really important that Dawn finishes her schoolwork right now."
Willow: "I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school! You know me, I'm, like, 'Go school! It's your birthday!'... or something to that effect."

Willow: "I'd be totally blowing off classes if I were in Dawny's shoes."
Tara: "Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off a class if your head was on fire."

Tara: "No, please! I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again -- probably often and in public."

Tara: "Is that 'no' spelled 'y-e-s'?"
Willow: "S-o-r-t of."

Willow: "Well I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is."

Willow: "I'm really sorry I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship!"

Buffy: "O.K., so... I think the next step is to make a chart. A schedule. I'll write down all the things you're supposed to do and when you have to do them, and then I'll leave a box next to it which you can mark with an 'X' when you've accomplished the task. (off Dawn's look) What? You want gold stars? O.K., you can have gold stars."

Buffy: "This is for real, Dawn."
Dawn: "No, it's not. I'm not real, so why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if The Key gets an education anyway?"

Giles: "I hope this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters, and they're never happy with them."

Giles: "You all right?"
Willow: "Yeah."
Giles: "Ah, yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious."

Minion: I will not betray Glorificus! I will never talk, no matter what heinous tort..."
Giles: "Actually you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here."
Minion: No word shall pass my lips that would bring peril to Glorificus!"
Giles: "Girls, get the twine that's on the counter. Let's tie him up."
(sickening off-screen crunch while their backs are turned) Minion: Aggh! Don't! I'll tell you anything! Please! Whatever you want! Just... anything!"
Anya: "What happened?"
Giles: "He changed his mind."

Glory: "Think about it. You think your hand hurts? Imagine what you'd feel with my fingers wiggling in your brain. It doesn't kill you. What it does is make you feel like you're in a noisy, little dark room, naked and ashamed. And there are things in the dark that need to hurt you, because you're bad. Little pinching things that go in your ears, and crawl on the inside of your skull. And you know that if the noise of the crawling would stop, that you could remember how to get out... but you never, ever will."

Xander: "Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place."
Giles: "It's dreadful."
Anya: "It's like communism."

Xander: "Willow, no. It's just for one night."
Willow: "Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night. I don't think I can sleep without her."
Anya: "You can sleep with me! (off everyone's looks) Well now that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head."

Glory: "You know, I think I'm a little buzzed from eating that witch. What a mind she had! Mmmm, nummy treat."

Glory: "Did anybody order an apocalypse?"

Spike: "So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god-blood until you, what... explained?"
Buffy: "What, you think she... no. I told Willow it would be, like, suicide."
Spike: (shrug) "I'd do it." (off her look) "Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it."

Glory: "What's this? Bag of tricks?"
Willow: "Bag of knives."

Glory: "You know what they used to do to witches, lover? They used to crucify them."
Buffy: (grabbing her wrist) "They used to bow down to gods." (fight) "Things change."

Buffy: "Chicken salad."
Willow: "Right Here."
Buffy: "Eggplant -- that's me."
Buffy: "Salami with... ew... peanut butter? -- Dawn."
Dawn: "Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what? Half egg, half plant? That's just unnatural."

Tara: "No! The place is cracking! It's cracking. Cracking! No, oh, no!"
Dawn: "No, Tara, It's o.k."
Tara: (looking at her) "Look at that. Look at that! Oh, the light! So pure. Such pure green energy! It's so beautiful..."

Glory: "I really hate it when people touch my things."

Glory: "Last words, Slay-runt?"
Buffy: "Just one-- Truck."

Dawn: "And then whoosh! All of a sudden Glory's standing right there in front of us, all skanky and blonde and thinking she's all bad just 'cuz some bumpy heads kiss her stinky feet -- she does have nice feet -- and she's coming right at us and Buffy's just standing there, not even blinking, like "Bring it on!" and wham! Hell-Bitch in orbit."
Xander: "Go, Buff!"
Giles: "I knew you'd best Glory eventually, I mean all our years of training..."
Buffy: "A truck hit her."
Giles: "Oh."
Anya: "You threw it at her?"

Giles: "There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed. Something that we can use against Glory."
Anya: "Piano!"
Xander: "Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time... no, wait, that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talking about?"
Anya: "We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment."
Giles: "Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain."

Anya: "Run away? ... Finally, a sensible plan!"

Minion: "Oh yes, Inappropriate humor. Most amusing. Don't suppose you know what led to this sartorial tragedy?"

Minion: "I just thought maybe after her Magnificent Incandescence was returned to this manly and... painfully handsome assemblage you might have noticed something interesting?"

Minion: "No one can stand against Her Blindingly Scrumptious Luminescence!"
Ben: "Glory. Her name is Glory, and she's your God, you little scab, not mine!"
Minion: "With all due respect -- and fear of sharp objects-- you exist, sir, only because of Her Divine Greatness."
Ben: "You mean Her Divine Failure, don't you?"

Ben: "You know why I wanted to become a doctor?"
Minion: "Flattering drawstring pants?"

Anya: "Anybody else feel that?"
Willow: "What?"
Anya: "Cold draft of paralyzing fear?"

Anya: "Overwhelming? How much more than 'whelming' would that be, exactly?"

Giles: "Look, everything will be all right. We just need to stay here. Calm. As soon as Buffy arrives..."
(beat-up Winnebago from hell screeches up)
... we'll feel, oddly, worse."

Spike: "Buckle-up, kids! Daddy's putting the hammer down!
Spike: "We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey, Gramps! Bloody step on it! Giles: "Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.
Anya: "He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.
Spike: "Or what? You're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?"
Xander: "Or you can be Undead Man Walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming... thumb..."
Spike: "Fine. Shrimp!"

Xander: "That guy is bloodsucking the last nerve right out of me!"

Dawn: "Any luck?"
Willow: "If you define 'luck' as 'the absence of success', plenty."

Tara: (re: Dawn) "So pretty! Can I have one?"

Anya: "Oooh, snacks! The secret to any successful migration. (pulls frying pan and Spam from her bag) Who's up for some tasty fried meat products?"

Spike: "No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you like. Keeps the ride from getting boring."

Minion: "It's coming. The signs are in alignment. Soon victory will be in our grasp. All we need do is seize the moment... and squeeze until it bleeds."

Dawn: "Hey, I think Anya's gonna try to cook. Want to come watch the tears and recriminations?"

Dawn: "You're not fleeing, you're...moving at a brisk pace."
Buffy: "Quaintly referred to in some cultures as 'The Big Scairdy Run-Away'."

Dawn: "At least things can't get any crazier, right?"
(crossbow bolt thunks into wall) Buffy: "You know this is your fault for saying that."

Tara: (looking out window) Horsies!"
Willow: "Tara!"
Giles: "Weapons?"
Spike: "Hello! You're driving one!"
Willow: "Don't hit the horsies!"
Buffy: (to Willow) "We won't!" (to Giles) "Aim for the horsies."

Dawn: (bandaging his hands) "Keep the pressure on."
Spike: "Always do, Sweet Pea."

Spike: "Florence Bloody Nightingale to the rescue."

Anya: "You have another plan, right? One that doesn't involve pointy knives and a Winnebago?"

Xander: "We've got company! And they brought a crusade."

Buffy: "Will, how long will it hold?"
Willow: "Half a day, maybe?" (sees clerics praying outside) "Or until Heckle and Jeckle punch a hole through it."

Spike: "So, what's the story with these role-playing rejects?"

Spike: "You sure Scarface here can habla the English?"

Giles: "What you did was necessary. What I've always admired."
Buffy: "Running away?"
Giles: "Being able to put your heart above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher... you're everything I could have hoped for."

Xander: "Whoa! Hey! This is war, isn't it? If there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock is that in war there are rules... or at least there should be if you're as honorable as you think you are. Plus we do have your General Forehead guy."

Willow: (spellcasting) "Discharge and bring light!"
Spike: "Handier than a Swiss knife. Oh, the door to my crypt's got this nasty squeak, maybe you could..."

Buffy: "Look, I know this must seem extra-Outer Limits to you."
Ben: "This? Nah, I've seen things you wouldn't believe. You know: Emergency room, full moon on a Saturday night."

Xander: "You know those things will kill you." (off Spike's look) "Oh, right. Have I mentioned today how much I don't like you?"
Spike: "You might have let it slip in once or twice."

Xander: "How're your feelers?"
Spike: "Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna be chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in."

Willow: "Come on, Tara! You have to eat something."
Anya: "Want me to try?"
Willow: "I don't know. I'm getting used to picking fruit out of my hair."

Glory: "Hey! It's Gregor!" (hits him with flying hubcap) "Now it's not."

Buffy: "Are you guys having a fight? 'Cuz, you know, fighting's not cool."

Buffy: "Have you ever heard the expression: 'Biting off more than you can chew?' O.k., um, how about the expression: 'Vampire Slayer'?"
Vamp: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Buffy: "Wow! Never heard that one? O.k... How about: 'Oh, God! My leg! My leg!'"
(vamp growls)
(Buffy breaks his knee)
Vamp: "Oh God! My leg!"
Buffy: "See? Now we're communicating."

Guy: "But... you're just a girl."
Buffy: "That's what I keep saying."

Xander: "Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be, like, a lymph ritual?"
Spike: "'Cause it's always got to be blood."
Xander: "We're not actually discussing dinner right now."
Spike: "Blood is life, lack-brain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood."

Buffy: "I don't want to hear it."
Giles: "I understand that..."
Buffy: "No, no you don't understand. We are not talking about this."
Giles: "Yes, we bloody well are!"

Buffy: "Tell me to kill my sister."

Willow: "We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, o.k.?"

Giles: "If the ritual starts then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn."
Buffy: "Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her."
Giles: "You'll fail. You'll die. We all will."
Buffy: "I'm sorry. I love you all, but... I'm sorry."

Spike: "Uh, when you say you love us all...?"
Giles & Xander: "Shut up."

Anya: "Willow! I'll bet you've got some dark spell abrewin'. Make her a toad? Little hoppy toad? Hit it with a hammer?"

Anya: "Here to help! Wanna live!"
Xander: "Smart chicks are so hot!"
Willow: "You couldn't have figured that out in 10th grade?"

Ben: "I wish there were another way."
Dawn: "And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf. So I guess we're both disappointed."

Ben: "I think it'll be quick."
Minion: "Actually, sir, the bleeding is quite a slow process, to give the portal time..."
Ben: "Thank you for the information."

Giles: "I imagine you hate me right now. ... I love Dawn."
Buffy: "I know."
Giles: "But I've sworn to protect this sorry world, and sometimes that means saying and doing what other people can't... they shouldn't have to."
Buffy: "You try and hurt her, and you know I'll stop you."
Giles: "I know."

Buffy: "This is how many apocalypses for us now?"
Giles: "Oh, well... uh... six at least. Feels like a hundred."

Buffy: "The spirit guide told me that death is my gift. I guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all."
Giles: "I think you're wrong about that."
Buffy: "Doesn't matter. If Dawn dies, I'm done with it. I'm quitting."

Xander: "Spike's sex-bot. Why didn't they just melt it down into scrap?"
Anya: "Maybe Willow wanted it."
Xander: "I don't think Willow feels that way about Buffy... I mean, I know she's going through a lot of changes..."
Anya: "To study."
Xander: "Right. Robotics. Science."
Anya: "Pervert."
Xander: "Other pervert."

Anya: "God! Who would put something like that there! Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke? As if things aren't bad enough!... This is an omen."
Xander: "Sshhh."
Anya: "No, no, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power telling me through bunnies that we're all gonna die!"

Anya: "No, you see usually when there's an apocalypse I skedaddle, but now I love you so much that I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god."

Xander: "I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around."

Anya: "Yes. I mean, yes! ... No!"
Xander: "No?"
Anya: "After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end."

Buffy: "What have you got for me?"
Willow: "Some ideas! Well...notions... or... theories based on wild speculation? Did I mention I'm not good under pressure?"
Buffy: "I need you, Wil. You're my big gun."
Willow: "I'm your... No! I was never a gun! Someone else should be the gun. I could be a cudgel... or a pointy stick!"

Buffy: "You're my best shot at getting her on the ropes, so don't get a jelly-belly on me now."

Willow: "It might weaken Glory... or make her less coherent... or it might make all our heads explode."

Xander: "Hey, I happen to be...."
Spike: "... a glorified bricklayer?"
Xander: "I'm also a swell bowler."
Anya: "Has his own shoes!"
Spike: "The gods themselves do tremble."

Buffy: "I'm counting on you to protect her."
Spike: "'Til the end of the world... even if that happens to be tonight."

Spike: "I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's.... Get your stuff, I'll be here."

Tara: (to Giles) "You're a killer! This is all set down."

Buffy: "Remember: The ritual starts, we all die; and I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn."
Spike: "Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?"
Giles: "We few, we happy few..."
Spike: "...we band of buggered."

Xander: "Shpedoinkle!"

Glory: "Oh, I need a brain to eat."
Minion: "Oh! Take mine, Oh Groove-tastic One!"
Glory: "I said a brain, you worthless dirt!"

Minion: "Oh, Most Sweaty-Naughty-Feelings-Causing One!"

Minion: "This will be our day of glory!"
Minion 2: "Well, punned!"
Minion: "Well, it just called out to me."

Glory: "The Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?"
Buffy: "Glory? You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?"

Glory: "You lost your hammer, Sweetcheeks. What're you gonna hit me with now?"
(wrecking ball comes through wall and into her) Buffy: "Whatever's handy."

Xander: "The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare!"

Spike: "Doesn't a fellow stay dead when you kill him?"
Doc: "Look who's talking."

Doc: "I don't smell a soul on you anywhere. Why do you care?"
Spike: "I made a promise to a lady."
Doc: "Oh? ...Then I'll send the lady your regrets."

Giles: "Can you move?"
Ben: "Need a ...a minute. She could have killed me."
Giles: "No, she couldn't. And sooner or later Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy... and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she couldn't take a human life. She's a hero, you see. She's not like us."
Ben: "Us?"

Dawn: "Buffy!"
Doc: "This should be interesti--uh...ahhhhhhh!"

Buffy: "Dawn, listen to me. Listen: I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles I... tell Giles I figured it out, and I'm o.k. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me."

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
1981 - 2001
BELOVED SISTER
DEVOTED FRIEND
SHE SAVED THE WORLD
A LOT