Maybe I’m jinxed. Maybe its some really twisted galactic joke that I just can’t get. Or maybe, it’s me. Maybe I’m the reason they’re dead.
Charlie shot himself with my gun. He wanted to be like daddy. Daddy shoots people. So he did what any kid would do. He picked up the gun. But he was only a kid. He didn’t know how to use it. He didn’t know why I hated that thing so much. The safety should have been on. I don’t know why it wasn’t. I don’t even remember why it wasn’t put away properly. I should have locked the draw. But my life after him has been filled with could have, would have, should have, but didn’t and they all come back to haunt me. It makes me wonder why I still try. Charlie and Sarah were my life and after I lost him, Sarah drifted and I let her. There were no attempts on my to make it worth because I didn’t deserve her. I killed our son and I couldn’t forgive myself. And I don’t think she should have. We never got to watch him grow up, or get married, or have grandkids or…anything. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to me. But when has life ever been fair to me?
So now Ska’ara is dead. Well, he ascended but we know how frequently we see those guys. And damn it, it was right before he got married. I was even supposed to be there. But that would have been too much to ask, wouldn’t it? To want to see the kid be happy for once. He’s been through hell; Gou’ld took over his body, his planets constantly under attack, his sister was taken and now she’s dead. He couldn’t catch a break either. I shouldn’t have let hi fight. I know it’s a stupid thing to say; the people of Abydos are more patriotic than most soldiers on earth. He would have defended the planet until death. And that’s what he did. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t come and instilled this sense of free will in them. Sometimes I wish they were still naïve villagers now free from Ra. But somehow, despite all of what they’ve been through, I think they’re proud to say that they fought for themselves. Not for a God. They fought because it was what they had to do to insure their safety. But sometimes...sometimes I wish I didn’t love Ska’ara so much. It’s no secret. I see him as a son. At the drop of a pin, I’ve zipped across the galaxy to help him. I’m not looking to replace Charlie, as I’ve heard so many people suggest. I see a family tree that no one could possibly understand. Daniel is like a brother to me. No matter how many times we fought, he was and always will be my brother. Sha’re was kind of like a sister. A distant sister who spoke her version of English. Her sentences usually consisted of six Abydonian words to every English one. But she was nice and she loved Daniel and she looked after him. I didn’t get to thank her for that. Ska’ara…he always seemed too young to be like a brother. Maybe it’s the age difference. Maybe it’s the way he becomes fascinated with everything, but I always saw him as a kid, almost like my kid. Didn’t even get to see him to the alter. I wanted to. Would have had Carter there to keep my busy because, well, not enough of the people here appreciate my attempts at humor and over abundant sarcasm. I think Ska’ara thinks there’s some thing between me and Carter. He had that same smile she did when he asked if I’d be bringing someone. I’m gonna miss that smile. The way he butchers my name in his accent. The way he hugs me like I belong there. Yeah yeah, I know sentimentality from the former black ops agent, what is this world coming to? Then end, actually, but Earth doesn’t know it. Don’t think they want to. But Abydos knew. Everyone on that planet knew they were going to die. But they stayed and they fought and they died…all of them…every last one of them. But they’re honestly, and truly in a better place. Which is more than I can say for where I’ll be going. I just really wanted to be there…to see at least one person I love walk the aisle and commit to someone. I wanted to see at least one of my kids grow up…know that I’ve done some thing to warrant that. But that was too much to ask for…too much to believe. Ska’ara says I’ll see him again. Hopefully, he’ll have a couple of grandkids I can spoil…even if they live billions of miles away. It’d be nice to see at least one person happy. Even if it’s not me.
All I wanted was a wedding. Was that too much to ask?
