You’d be unbelievably proud of me at how calm I am. Of course that could be because I’m meticulously planning your death in my head. Your methods are beyond the boundary of extreme and for that, I’d like to rip your arms off but I do see what you mean. I’ve tried mediating but in the end, I found that it’s been easier to just ignore them all. I’m not the leader anymore and neither are you. You forfeited that position to Brennan and sometimes, I wish you really hadn’t. I trust him with my life but sometimes I think that he tries too hard to be better than you. You made him think like that. You mad us all think that maybe we could do better than you. Brennan’s never one for secrets, you know that. If it’s on his mind, you’re likely to hear about it. But sometimes, you don’t take into account past experiences. The power goes to your head. I think it’s a male thing, you have to be the one on top, you have to be the one better than everyone else and it pits you against Brennan and Jesse. Jesse handles it a lot better, maybe because he’s been on the team all these years. Emma’s been having a hard time with her powers developing and we haven’t been helping. You haven’t been helping. Basically Adam, you’ve told us, you’re mutating again, deal with it. We don’t know how to. And you’re not helping us. Now would be the wrong time to teach us to be independent. None of us are stable enough to do this by ourselves but we’re definitely not in the mood to talk to anyone else. Jess is trying to cope with Amanda’s death and Emma’s not in the mood to be the resident psychiatrist. And well, where you used to offer help, you now offer the same line ‘I’m busy right now, perhaps one of the others can help’. Right now is not the time you need to pass on responsibility.
Em, I didn’t mean to snap at you but we’ve all been under a lot of stress. I just don’t think Jesse needed you to yell at him. He’s been feeling guilty enough without thinking that your mood is his fault. He’ll go in himself, pretend that he’s over it a lot quicker than he really is. And you cant imagine what its like to get him out of that state. You have no idea how hard it was to get Jess to open up and it’d be hell to do it again. So I’m sorry for snapping at you but it was the thing I had to do. I’m a feral, defending my loved ones is always my first thought. Don’t get me wrong, you’re part of this family, quicker than I thought you would become but Jess has always been there, I’ve known him so long…I was there every time he was hurt, in anyway, whether it was after a fight or something emotional and to know that he was hurting like that and there was nothing for any of us to do…I don’t like feeling helpless and I don’t think I could accept the fact that with the powers you have, you couldn’t make him better. I know you’re not some human panacea, I think we just expect you to be. Sometimes I think we expect too much from you and sometimes, I think we don’t expect enough from you. I know how you feel right now, like you haven’t done or can’t do anything for the team but every one has their place and time. There was a time when only Jess went in the field and I was stuck in Sanctuary because I hadn’t quite figured out how to keep my feral side from overwhelming my rational side. There were times when Jess was stuck here because I was the better field agent. There will be times when you have to stay here, or when Brennan will have to stay and neither of you will like it. God knows Brennan will hate it but we aren’t all equipped for every mission, not me, Jess, you, Brennan, not Adam. Adam calls it Displacement. It was the feeling me and Jess had when we moved into Sanctuary. We didn’t belong anywhere but here but here wasn’t quite home. It wasn’t an uneasy feeling, just a feeling that we didn’t quite belong here. Not yet, not until we proved to ourselves and everyone else that we were good enough. It took a while to get over it. But once we did, we realized that we can’t be everywhere, we can’t do anything, we can’t save everyone, we can’t help everyone. That doesn’t mean we don’t try. We need to rely on you more and not depend on you for so much. I know that, it’s just hard when I know that you’ve helped us all so many times in the past.
Jesse. Jess…I know you suspect me and Brennan, but I wont confirm anything for you. Not yet, not until I know you wont phase into his bedroom and kick his ass. You’ve never been the jealous type, just very protective, in a scary brotherly type of way. You look harmless enough, and then you get upset and I see this place I know you hate to be, and hate anyone who makes you go there. I shouldn’t come between you two. We shouldn’t ruin the team and I wont risk it so we’ll pretend we’re just friends. So I hear you’re getting a motorcycle. Cool. Mine is still better. I remember when we joined, or is it started, Mutant X. I remember how you thought you had to protect me because I was a girl. Do you know how much fun it was to disprove you? You still protect me, but not because you think I need it. It’s because you need to know that no one will hurt me as long as you’re around. And if they do, you’ll make sure they pay for it. Brennan doesn’t want to take that away from you. He wants to protect me because he couldn’t live with himself if you could do something that he couldn’t. He couldn’t live with himself if he could never be there and you always were. He doesn’t mind that you and me are all but genetically brother and sister. In fact he encourages it. He doesn’t want to come between us. I don’t want him to come between us. You’d be surprised how much you two have in common, if you would stop competing. I know underneath all of the bickering, there’s a bond that you’ll eventually have to acknowledge. You guys can be such losers sometimes, but I love you anyway. You know I’ll always love you, right? Because you’ll always be there, no matter what. Even in these moments when the future of the team hangs on by a few threads, you’ll be there. I’ll always be there and when you want to talk, don’t hesitate to come to me…let me be the calm you seek…before I lose my ferocity and turn into a domestic cat, let me stop. I love you Jess. No matter what.
I saved you for last. I don’t know where to start. God, we’ve been ‘hiding’ this for what, a year? I’m getting tired of denying us. The others aren’t stupid, they know something’s up, Emma has to know the truth but if they ever asked, we’d have to say no. Too bad. There are moments when I can’t help but want to kiss you senseless in front of everyone. In those moments when you get hurt, I want to immediately run to you and see if you’re okay, see if you’ll be up for some ‘recreation’ later. Hey, is it my fault ferals are predisposed to mate? Contrary to popular belief, not only males are aggressive and sexually driven. And you of all people know how aggressive I get during certain times of the month. Some of the best make out sessions I can remember. But onto the more important thoughts. You need to talk to Jesse. It’ll clear the air and maybe you can help him. You’ve lost people and you made it through pretty well so if you could just help him…I don’t think he’d talk to me about this, it hurts that he wont but I don’t think he can. And talk to Emma. I think she needs to be consoled for once and I don’t think I’m the one she needs to talk to. I still need to apologize. I think she feels like you aren’t her friend anymore. I came in with Jesse and you came with her and I think that someone how that’s how the pairing was supposed to stay, or how we expected it to. Things seem a little mixed up. I think we all just need a big talking circle or something. There are some things that we all need to get into the open. Maybe you and me could be one of them. I miss you. I know that sounds so stupid since I see you everyday but I haven’t touched you in anyway other than a teammate manner and I want to touch in the way my dreams suggest. The last time I kissed you was last week when we had a close call. I haven’t kissed you just because, in so long and I miss it. I miss us. I don’t know, things aren’t as bad as Adam suggests but things aren’t looking as bright as they should. And I want us to be happy. I want us all to be the family we were on the way to be. As soon as Adam gets what he deserves. I’m sleepy and slightly depressed so I think now would be a good time to sleep and plan Adam’s torture. Night, baby. (We’ll pretend I did not just write that.)
