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Here you will find Al-Fuvla write-ups that are even older than Mrs. Last! Enjoy, and such!

Archived TERRA Write-Ups

Three anonymous amigoes, who we'll call Carlos, Felipe, and Jorge, travelled through the town of West Dundee, Illinois, in search of some hell to raise, so to speak. The three decided they would enjoy some fine, American cuisine at the Bennigans dining facility on Route 31. The three ate, drank, and had good times. It must be noted that our server, a young lassie by the name of Bobbie Joe did an excellent and professional job. After dining, the fellas thought they would relax in the lobby of the Crowne Plaza Hotel, disguising them as hotel residents. Felipe took advantage of this opportunity to light a fine cigar, while Carlos and Jorge buried themselves in Tuedays edition of the Daily Herald Sports Page.

After the Crowne Plaza escapades, the youngsters travelled through the retirement community, waving at elderly residents wondering who the hell the amigoes were. It is believed that they thought the amigoes were the retirement community landscapers, but no solid evidence has been located.

The lads then travelled to the House that Crane Built, and met with Bill's wife, Mary Alyce, who looked very upset. Upon approaching the door, Mary Alyce said sarcastically with a grimace: "OH, my friends are here. Wait there!" She then ran into the house. The three amigoes were nervous, for fear of being connected with the SPACE FOR LEASE sign posted in the yard previously. The amigoes feared deportation, for Zelda Liu had stolen their green cards. Mary Alyce then came out, and they were relieved that she was friendly and happy to see them.

After visiting Mary Alyce, the good buds left to visit Bill, who was attending FVLA Girls Volleyball Practice. They were greeted by the smiling face of newly appointed administrator JAN ZIM. The students walked over to speak with Bill, but were stopped in their tracks by a large built man wearing a tight red shirt and short black shorts, who we'll call Mister Cu-Fall (Asian Decent) who was very angry that these lads were disrupting practice. "OUT OUT" the man said, moving his hands in a motion which implied that they find the nearest exit. His requests were backed-up by Jan Zim, who requested that the hell-raisers wait outside. This ended the reign of terra.

How could the Christian Behavior demonstrated these young amigoes be so misunderstood? If you, or your favorite Catholic Priest have any suggestions for these young men, please call 468-8207.

Need some "space"?(Terranators part II)

The founders of Al-Fuvla were out one night, and as usual, were searching for some persons who might be inflicting some terra, somewhere in the area. First, spring hill mall was circled multiple times to make sure there were no evildoers present. They waved at many mall patrons, and 40% of the patrons waved or nodded to acknowledge them.They stopped by a usual hangout, the Taco La Flor'dining palace. No trouble was brewing, so they headed to their favorite bus drivers. He was not home,so they began to patrol the streets. They drove by their favorite grandma's house, making noises with their bolsas bottles (purchased at La Flors') by sticking them out the window. But when they drove by grandma theis's house, they discovered the grandma herself staring at them throw a window! The shock caused the bolsas to drop, and they sped away, feeling very bad.

TO be continued, and such!

Five Guys, a Booze Bottle, and Hannibal Trebek

Al-Fuvla has received anonymous information about Terraist Activity which occured after the Social at Fox Valley Lutheran Academy. An descriptive account follows:

Five FVLA Students decided to "hang-out" after the Social. Upon leaving the FVLA Back to School Social, the group travelled to IHOP Resturaunt, where they enjoyed Orange Juice, Coffee, and fine cigars. One of the lads, who we will call Rylel Moyal, spilled a pitcher of coffee on the table, and requested that the waiter clean it up. After the IHOP Expirence, the lads travelled to the area of the retirement community, and "STUDENT A" took a sip out of "STUDENT B's" hard liquor stored in the glove box. "STUDENT C" then decided that liquor should have no part of the festivities, so he tossed the bottle out of the vehicle. Fortunately, the bottle did not break for it was not glass.

What kind of underage punks would drive around Elgin with a bottle of hard liquor in their posession? Who in the "HECK" would dispose of the evidence in an elderly resident's yard? If you, or your grandma who lives in the retirement community have any information about these events, please call 468-8207.

"Throw some sugar on me"

An Al-Fuvla member, who wishes to remain anonymous, has sent us a tale which will be retold at this point:

Four friends, age and gender not specified, who were dining after a hard days work. They decided to head to see an old friend at his elderly community. When they four arrived, they drove around in an attempt to find the old friends house, but failed to do so, and gave up. One of the friends was so annoyed at the situation that he/she dropped a wad of sugar and sweet n' low packets procured at dinner. On they way out, they were waved down by a "interesting" 45-year-old looking woman, who might even be called a "street person" if she approached the doors of FVLA. She asked the four for a ride to the bus station, as she "just missed" the last bus. When the driver asked how she came to be outside an elderly community, she told the four that she "lived there". The group thought this sounded a little fishy, as she had "no money" for a cab ride. So they told her they would "call someone" and drove off laughing. However, not 100 yards later, they saw a police car heading back toward the community. They headed back, hoping for a little scene. They drove by and saw the officer talking to the woman, and then, saw no more than a half mile down the road, saw a PACE bus! This completed their evening, and gave them an experience they would all never forget.

Why couldn't the four friends find the house? Did the sugar packets cause any trouble? And was that lady selling herself on that street? If you, or your butler, have any information about these events, please call 468-8207.

Al-Fuvla Fest '02

Despite the fact that a few tools failed to show up because of the nice weather, a good time was had by all except Student "D". Due to poor transportation arrangements, Students "A", "B", and "C" piled into Student "D"'s vehicle and drove off into the sunset. Student "D" stated that she didn't want to go to Hooters, but she would go to T.G.I. Fridays. There, Student "A", "B", and "C" enjoyed a nice meal. Student "C" had a difficult time ordering, and ordered the Vegetable Grill (not knowing what it was) when it arrived on a plate and it was placed before her, her smile turned into a frown. After dinner, the group drove to pick up Student "A"'s vehicle. At that time, Student "D" left the group. Students "A", "B", and "C" then drove to FVLA Bus Driver "1"'s residence to enjoy a night of Al-Fuvla fellowship. Upon arrival at Bus Driver "1"s residence, the Students were greeted at which time they sat down to discuss important school issues and a race which the bus driver was going to participate in. After a long night of pool and video games, the trio left for La Flor Resturaunt to have a few burritos and Bolsas. We convinced Student "C" that she must sit between Student "A" and Student "B". The 4'10" or somesing student sat between "A" and "B" and they travelled through the mean streets of Elgin, telling "C" to crouch down otherwise she may be arrested. We discussed the fact that we would be screwed if we encountered the police, so "A" and "B" told "C" to advise the officer: "IF YOU LET US GO I'LL GIVE YOU GOOD TIME!" Student "C" recited this several times, and we then arrived at La Flor. We ate, drank Bolsas, and left bringing the bottles with us. At various locations throughout Elgin, on a countdown, Student "C" released three (3) glass bottles onto the street. Student "C" said: THEY COULD HIT A TIRE! At that time Student "C" was dropped out at her yellow house, and Fuvla-Fest '02 officially ended.

**08-03-02 UPDATE**

Student "C"'s conscience caused her to travel to one location to remove the broken bottle and properly dispose of it. Remember, criminals ALWAYS return to the scene of the crime!

A Candle in the Wind..."

One warm July evening, three students, (who we’ll refer to as “Jon”, “Jak”, and “Dick” to protect the innocent) attended the FVLA summer league game. Jak and Dick played in the intense game, while Jon watched (or napped, if you will). Unfortunately, FVLA was defeated in this close game (approx. 16 pt. Spread), and the three decided they would celebrate in Christian Fellowship. Jon provided the transportation, and they went for a bite to eat at Bennigans (Al-Fuvla’s “holy land” so to speak). Jon ordered a burger, while the two buds, Jak and Dick shared a turkey sandwich. After about an hour of eating and harassing the extremely good looking waitress (who we’ll call Heidi Bishop to protect the innocent), the three fellas piled back into the car, and stumbled upon a foreign object in the roadway. Jon felt this was a hazard, and instructed Dick to retrieve a “EMERGENCY ROAD FLARE”. Dick, instinctively removed the road flare and sprung into action. He lit it, and placed it in the middle of the street. The Three Musketeers then rode off to the Retirement Community, where they patrolled the area for Terraists. Some residents, suspecting the three lads to be Terraists, followed them obtaining the license plate no doubt. After all, what are three younguns doing riding around in a retirement community late at night? Upon losing the persuers, the three fled back into the area of the road hazard, and saw that the road flare was still alerting passing motorists to the hazard. Jon, who is extremely paranoid, saught cover in a hotel parking lot afraid that the oncoming headlights may be those of terraists. After a few minutes of panic, the duo left the area, en route to East Dundee, Illinois. They drove past Earl’s house (See previous AOTs, as well as Photo Page) and noticed that the McDonalds cup was still in the yard. Jon then drove Dick and Jack home, and rode off into the night.

What kind of goof ball would suspect innocent FVLA students to be terraists? Is it someone from the retirement community who has underwent multiple cataract surgeries? And how could Heidi Bishop be so stupid to be a waitress at Bennigans and not a stripper at Blackjacks? If you, or your nephews pediatrician, have any information about these events, please call 468-8207.


The head doobies of Al-Fuvla, JanJak and JanBuf, got tired of all these acts of terra, and one night they decided to go roam the streets for evildoers who might just be doing evil. Their rounds produced no terraists at first, in fact, it only produced good things, JanBuf and JanJak ran into two "fine" ladies at Bennigans, SEE PHOTO ALBUM who seemed to be interested in the leaders of Al-Fuvla. One even worked in Janbuf's home town! JanBuf swept them off their feet, by showing the ol' "jonez charm" (talk to Tom Jones and you'll see what I mean) almost as if he was leading the ladies on, only to gain information as to if they were planning an act of terra. JanJak sat and enjoyed watching the the ladies talk of men, and the problems of men, and their past men, and how JanJak and JanBuf should turn out to be good men. Needless to say, by the time the ladies left, JanBuf and JanJak were quite amused. They then resumed the search and headed to an elderly community, where terra has taken place before. SEE PHOTO ALBUM SEE PHOTO ALBUM on the drive home, they were shocked to see the same vehicle that was near the m-80, the shock cause both of them to drop their Bolsas, (their hands were out of their respective windows) they followed the car and vowed to may them pay for more Bolsas.

However, they lost the fiends on again, and the dogooders were left empty handed, but with a interesting evening, to say the least.

This ends the account of this act.

Who were those bastardly evildoers? Will they ever be brought to justice? Could Janbuf or JanJak gotten any action from the ladies if they did not have to fight terra all night? If YOU, or your, granny's dentist, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

**07-25-02 UPDATE**

While dining at Applebees facility on Randall Road (Elgin IL), JanBuf and his female counterpart observed the Pingree Grove Bartender leaving the smoking section with two female friends. Oddly enough, JanBuf was discussing this incident at the time the female passed.

The Earl of Barrington finds the Count of Monte Cristo in the yard!

One warm summer evening in July, two *buds*, who we will call *Chip* and *Ron Santo* to protect the innocent, were enjoying a fine dining expirence at Bennigans, located in the beautiful town of Elgin, Illinois. The two enjoyed discussing Al-Fuvla over two Cokes and a Monte Cristo dinner. *Chip*, being the ignorant young lad that he is, forgot to look at what a Monte Cristo sandwich contained prior to ordering, and requested the sandwich not knowing it contained ham; which didn't satisfy the young lad's taste buds and such. *Chip* decided that he would take the remaining sandwiches home to his parents, who we will call *Tom* and *Jerry*, to protect the innocent. *Chip* and *Ron Santo* paid for the meal and tip, and set off on foot to hang out in the lobby of the nearby Crowne Plaza Hotel. They walked in in search of a swimming pool to sneak in to on a later date. After that, the two young men piled into *Chip's* vehicle, and they went on a joy ride through various motel parking lots, forest preserves, college campuses, and the Willow Lake Estates retirement community. *Chip* and *Ron Santo* waved to countless elderly residents, who thought they were the sweetest thing since apple pie.

The two then rode into the sunset, final destination: East Dundee, Illinois. The vehicle passed the home of a favorite faculty member, who we'll call *Earl*, and *Ron Santo* found it to be the perfect opportunity to dispose of one of *Chip's* Monte Cristo sandwiches. *Ron Santo*, using the arm he had as a Chicago Cubs third baseman (hehe) tossed the sandwich into the yard, nearly landing on *Earl's* prized vehicle, a blue Dodge *Viper*. *Chip*, shocked by this act of terra, threw the vehicle into a U-Turn and again passed *Earl's* residence. *Chip* accidentially tossed *Ron Santos* McDonalds shake cup into the yard of their favorite *teacher* and sped off.

What kind of 'terraists' would want to throw left-over sandwiches and Milk Shake cups into the yard of their favorite teacher? Or did they just confuse *Earls* house for a garbage can? If YOU, or your neighbors ex-husbands nephew, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

**07-22-02 UPDATE**

It appears as though *Earl* has not yet detected this act of Terra. We were planning to knock on the door and advise him of this evil act, however we feared that *Earl* might put his fingers on the speed dial of his phone and contact the East Dundee Police. Also, we were going to let him know that he shouldn't cut his grass so low, for it burns up in the summertime. Nobody said you had to know how grass grows to be a teacher, and such!!

Who deleted the AR program?

Sometime during May, an anonymus student by the name of Rob Peters deleted the AR program from the Literature computer at FVLA. Al-Fuvla has not claimed responsibility for this evil act. This incident launched a full investigation by FVLA former lead administrator Jan Burmeister and Literature Professor Virginia Last.

Who could hate AR so much they would put their own record on the line? If you, or you sister, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

The "Room Y" mystery

Al-Fuvla recently obtained an email, which could not be traced to a person or location, that contained the following act of terra, how and why this person(s) came to us to tell there intersting, although evil, act is unknown. Names and certain details (noted with **) will be changed to protect the offended and innocent.

I'm writing in response to your request of information related to, but not limited to, Acts of Terra. My story is as follows:

A few days ago myself along with two of my fellow *buds* were recruited by *an adminstrator* to do some cleaning of FVLA headquarters. I was directed by the recently demoted *administrator* (Who looked killer in those postal shorts which I, personally think were above four inches from the top of the knee-cap.) We were directed to carry books up to *Teacher X's* room. I decided to look around, and I went into *Teacher Y's* room and started looking through *it's* desk. I was surprised to see it full of papers. I began rifling through *it's* filing cabinets and found an ENTIRE drawer filled with graded papers from the 2001-2002 academic school year. I also noted one particularly odd file - a bulging file consisting of nothing but *Branderson* and *Peterson* papers. I considered taking *an article on Teacher Y's Desk* but at that time my accomplice walked in. I'll just call him *Bill* for security reasons. He discovered a pile of books on the front desk that said "Don't move". He swiftly began moving them and hiding them. I was getting up to assist when our third accomplice (I'll just call him *Bobby*) called up from Lower Falcon Hall to come back down. At that point we voted to put off that mission until a later date. That is all.

Who would do such a thing? If you, or you sister, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

The "Honkin' Banditos"

Today Al-Fuvla recieved an phone call which could not be identified by a person who could not be identified, they told the member of Al-Fuvla (who wishes to remain nameless as to not recieve phone calls and questions about this act) that they had performed an act of terra, and then began there story of evil, which was reconstructed as follows:

My friend and I were driving around, enjoying a the wonderful weather driving in a parking lot, when the driver of our car, my good friend, saw a chevy trailblazer pull a little too far our out of his row, and beeped to let the gent know he was sticking out into traffic.

After he did this, the car turned around and followed our car, and when the driver slowed to let some elderly ladies cross the intersection, they pulled in front of us to cut off our our route, and a overweight gentleman, who must have been named "spike" by the way he looked, exited from the car, and waddled his way over to ours.

At that point, the driver quickly put the car into reverse and pulled off a nice turn to escape the fat men, they gave up chase in order to go to an all-you-can-eat BOOFET', no doubt.

This ends the account of this act.

What kind of brutes are thickheaded enough to mess with friends of Al-Fuvla? And which buffet did the beasts end up going too? If you, or your favorite pet, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

The Elderly Escapades

Al-Fuvla has recieved another phone call of unknown origin and as always, we will post the events discussed during our phone call here, to our loyal readers:

It seems a group of people (gender and number were not specified) were on their way home when they discovered an M-80 firecracker/smoke bomb and for some reason, went to a elderly resident housing complex and attempted to light the substance mentioned earlier and, after struggling with the cigar lighter, lit the substance only to throw it without looking into a puddle, the sparks coming off of the substance caught the attention of a resident, who turned on her light, causing the terraists to flee.

This ends thee account of this act.

What kind of horrible people would want to wake countless elderly people with minor explosives? Or Were they just late celebrating the fourth of July? At any rate, if YOU, or your great uncle twice removed, have any information regarding this event, please contact (847) 468-8207, Sanks.(NOTE: Al-Fuvla does NOT claim responsibility for this act of terra)

Archived Jom Tones articles


September 18, 02: Saddam Hussein, the mustachioed dictator of Iraq, is always seen on a balcony firing a shotgun into the air, sitting at the head of a table with other middle-aged men, being kissed by adoring soldiers, or walking with an entourage in the streets of his capital city, Bagdad.

It must be tough being a dictator. You don’t know if your friends like you because of you or your power. I’m told that Saddam fears for his life, has food testers, numerous doubles to stand in for him, and that he sleeps in a different spot every night.

It must be tough getting a good night’s sleep. Imagine the logistics involved. Make nightly lodging arrangements for Saddam and fifty of his elite Republican Guard bodyguard troops on short notice. And don’t book the same place twice. And all this has to done in the Farci language. Make a mistake and get your ears cut off.

I wonder if he gets room service and has cable. Thank goodness he has oil reserves to pay for all this. The expense involved must be tremendous.

Media reports say Saddam is a tyrant. He probably demands to watch CNN to see pictures of himself on a balcony firing a shotgun into the air, sitting at the head of a table with other middle-aged men, being kissed by adoring soldiers, or walking with an entourage in the streets of his capital city, Bagdad. Not to mention to see if his country is being attacked or talked about being invaded. It’s enough to make one angry enough to go on the balcony and fire a shotgun into the air.

Iraq certainly can’t defeat the United States. This was proven in the Gulf War of 1991. The difference between the Iraqi tanks and the U.S. tanks is that the Iraqi tanks had back up lights. So, Saddam has to develop other weapons like chemical, biological, and nuclear ones.

Being a dictator means having endless meeting after meeting with other middle aged men to dictate orders to them, such as, what weapons of mass destruction to develop and probably where everyone will stay that night. If you get tired of the meetings you can always stroll into the city to look at the many paintings of your likeness on the sides of buildings.

You can get kissed on both sides of your face by adoring soldiers who swear their undying loyalty to you until the first shot is fired. It’s tough being a dictator. Do they really love you or hate you? It’s enough to make one paranoid.

Even paranoids have enemies. Saddam used chemical and biological weapons against his neighbor, Iran, and an ethnic group called the Kurds who live in the northern part of his country next to the “Whey”. He reportedly ordered that anyone who deserts his army will have his ears cut off.

Saddam was soundly defeated by a U.N. coalition of troops led by the United States in the Gulf War of 1991 after he invaded and annexed a small neighboring country called Kuwait. Saddam called Kuwait the 19th province of Iraq, and occupied the tiny nation and its oil fields until his troops were soundly thrashed by those led by Stormin’ Norman Schwartzkopf.

In the peace treaty which followed Saddam agreed to stop his weapons development program (wink, wink!), allow weapons inspectors into his country, and not to fly aircraft in the north and south of his country to mess with people under his control.

For the past 11 years Iraqi skies have been patrolled by U.S. and British planes to ensure that Saddam is compliant with the no fly rules.

When Slick Willy was in office Saddam continued his mischief by plotting to assassinate his nemesis, ex-president George Bush, and the United States retaliated with some bombing. Saddam kicked the weapons inspectors out of his country after playing hide and seek with his weapons, and probably has resumed his nefarious plans to develop more powerful weapons. A dictator can never have enough weapons, you know.

Now Bush’s son is president and wants a regime change in Iraq. Better let the weapons inspectors back in now to forestall an invasion. And go to live in a fortified underground bunker and watch the CNN news which will show a mustachioed middle-aged man on a balcony firing a shotgun into the air, sitting at the head of a table with other middle aged men, being kissed by adoring soldiers, or walking with an entourage in the streets of his capital city, Bagdad.

Gee, it’s tough being a dictator. Even cable TV is boring...