"Thoughts"

By Scully's Evil Sister

Category: MSR, Scully POV, angsty for a bit but please don't be scared away

by it

Rating: U/PG. I don't think that there's anything in it that anyone needs

worry about.

Spoilers: No major, just a tiny tiny one from the beginning of season 7.

This is really just self-indulgent fluff.

Distribution: Anywhere, please distribute it would make my day but please

tell me about it and keep my name on it so I can visit and smile.

Feedback: Also a YES PLEASE!!!!!! This is my first fic and so I would love

to hear any tips and pointers and constructive criticism but please don't

make me cry too much. My addie is evilal@shalom.freeserve.co.uk

Disclaimer: If I owned the X-files I wouldn't be sat here trying to avoid

revising for my A-levels. I would be making lots of dosh and Mulder and

Scully would be together by now! So please don't sue me Fox and 1013 and Mr

CC, sir. (Was that brown nosing enough you think?)

Summery: Basically, a little wander around inside Scully's brain. And I know

that it is all really uncharacteristic but I just felt like writing it

anyway.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Thoughts"

Scully's Evil Sister

THE BASEMENT

FBI HQ

WASHINGTON DC

8.30am

It has just been one of those mornings. You know the ones I mean, where you

sleep through the alarm, pour orange juice in your coffee and to top it all

off I'm now talking to myself, great! But that's not what's worrying me. The

truth is that I'm fighting to maintain the argumentative attitude. I have

just spent the weekend with Bill, Tara and the family and its left me

feeling down to say the least. For two solid days I've endured Bill's jibes

about my single status, about my work with Mulder and how worthless my life

is. I suppose I've allowed myself to become overly introspective this

weekend and its meant that I've been over analysing every thought and

action. In total I don't feel myself at all. No one who knows me would

recognise me from the thoughts running through my head. I have to battle

with myself to return to my former cool, calm and collected state. I suppose

it happens to everyone once in a while, once you start upon the road of

self-pity it is near impossible to escape. It becomes more and more

difficult to return to the real world, the here and now, and to silence the

inner voice commenting on everything and trying to return me to the black

abyss of self doubt and contemplation.

"Hey, Scully", Mulder interrupts my reverie, "how was your weekend?"

"Absolutely fabulous," I reply, "I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing day

though."

He looks sheepishly at me for a moment, then produced a bag of sunflower

seeds with the words,

"Do you accept bribes?"

I fought to suppress the grin that threatened to spring to my lips as I

said,

"And what would I need to be bribed into doing, then?"

As I say this, I begin to feel a bit more relaxed, more like myself. This

conversation seems so familiar, so comfortable in its familiarity. Its

rather ironic that this time Mulder is making my life feel more *normal*.

"You would like to go on a nice relaxing trip, wouldn't you," he suggests

with a smile, "There's been a disappearance of two children from a

Pennsylvania

boarding school and I thought that we'd go and check it out."

"Since when do *we* investigate straight kidnappings then, Mulder?" I

counter, arching an eyebrow at him.

"Did I say anything about a kidnapping? And anyway, I've heard reports of

very strange happenings in the area." Mulder smiled as he carefully chose

words that he knew would prompt a reaction from me.

LATER THAT DAY

CHILTERN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS

PENNSYLVANIA

"I take it that you have a theory, Mulder," I ask as we approach the school,

knowing that he will launch into a totally implausible explanation based on

scanty evidence and local heresy. But I also know that nine times of ten,

his crazy theory will turn out to be correct. Its can be very irritating

never to be the one to say 'I told you so'. <<Not that he ever says that

you, Dana>> That annoying little voice in my head was right, he was always

so gracious about it afterwards and what did I do? First chance I get I

shoot down his theories and belittle his beliefs. What makes me do that so

consistently? I resolve to keep my big mouth shut this time, when he tells

me his theory.

"I think that I will reserve judgement until after we've examined all the

available evidence," Mulder answered.

"What! You mean you've got no big paranormal conspiracy theory this time!"

The words rush out of my mouth before I have a chance to check them. Damn!

Whatever happened to keeping my mouth shut?

"When I have to put up with that sort of abuse, is it any wonder that I

don't wish to share my opinions with you?" replied Mulder with an affected

air.

Even though I know that he is only joking, the truth of his words sting and

again I vow to be more understanding of his beliefs. The truth is that

before I had always enjoyed the antagonistic banter in our relationship and

although I do not often share his beliefs, the fact that he believes

something has become enough for me. I trust him entirely, with my life and

my heart and everything else that matters. Yet I persist in creating this

façade of distrust and disbelief just because it had become easier to

maintain the appearance of normality with this act that has become a

constant in our relationship rather than acknowledge how much has changed.

Now I worry that he believes this charade. That he believes that even after

all we've been though together, after all he's done for me, all he's helped

my though, that I still do not trust him. This is what prompted me to vow to

show him a little of how much I trust in him. But still I feel afraid of

what this would mean for our relationship because although I need to let him

appreciate that I sincerely value his friendship and loyalty, I cannot risk

the relationship changing in case I lose him. Hence, my confusion on the

matter of our banter, it is a staple of our relationship and therefore is

natural and enjoyable but I do not want him to think that this is all there

is, that our friendship goes no deeper.

"Scully, Earth to Scully!"

The sound of Mulder's voice wakes me from my thoughts. As good as it feels

to have all that sorted out in my head, I really must stop thinking like

this and keep my mind on the job. He'll be starting to get suspicious. As

much as I want to let him know how much he means to me, I cannot allow him

to discover the truth that I have only recently begun to admit to myself;

that not only is he important to me but that he is the most important thing

in my life and the only person I can ever conceive wanting to share my life

with. I know that I'm important to him but I also know that he doesn't feel

the same way I do. He once said that I'm his touchstone and I cling to that

thought although I realise that he meant it in a purely platonic way. Our

relationship has become my *touchstone* and there is no way I'm going to do

anything to compromise it, friendship with Mulder is far better than no

relationship with him at all.

"Scully, Scully? Are you alright?" his concerned voice brings me out of my

thoughts quickly.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Shall we go interview the girls?" I answer, hoping I

sounded

like myself.

STILL LATER THAT DAY

LOCAL CHEAP MOTEL

"You could be right about the abduction scenario, I suppose," I tell Mulder,

secretly thinking that it sounds fairly unlikely but knowing that where it

mattered Mulder would be right and also that when it comes to it I would

follow him anywhere he were to ask me to.

"What! What's happened to my Scully? Where have you taken her?" Mulder

mocked, pretending to shake my shoulders as his cellular phone begins to

ring, but I barely heard his conversation. My heart had leapt when he said,

"My Scully," and to my disgust I find myself replaying it over and over.

<<Just quit this, Dana, you know he didn't mean it like that>> I am brought

back to reality when Mulder closes his phone and turns to face me.

"That was the principle of the school on the phone. You're not going to

believe this but the girls are back! It seems that their estranged father

had kidnapped them. It sounds like a very messy custody battle but its out

of our hands now. I think that the strange happenings can probably be

explained by overly excitable young minds. The real mystery in this case is

why you were so quick to support my theory!"

I laugh trying to appear normal and composed.

"Is it so hard to believe that I do not immediately disagree with what you

have to say?" I ask him.

"Quite simply, yes!" he replied.

I feel this almost as a physical blow. I had failed him as a friend. After

everything, I have let him believe that I think his opinions worthless, that

the beliefs that are the core of his existence are worthless. I can feel the

guilt of every time I belittled his views weighing heavily on me. Me, the

one person who owes everything to him has continually tried to shake his

foundations just because I was afraid to let him see further into my heart

lest he see too much. I begin to feel my spirits fall as I drop down on to

the side of the bed. He notices this and steps forward to put his hand on my

shoulder.

"Actually, that's not entirely true," he corrects, his voice soft, "what I

believe is whatever happens you'll be the one to keep me grounded, to

prevent my wild theories from flying out of control. That you'll be the one

to always tell me the truth."

I feel a lump well up in my throat. Even after everything I've done to him,

he's trying to make me feel better. What have I done to deserve him as a

friend? I try to stifle a sob but feel a tear roll down my cheek. I must

compose myself, he mustn't find out how I feel. I repeat this to myself as I

find the strength to look up into his eyes. I see him looking down at me. I

can see compassion and concern in them and I begin to feel my voice shake in

my throat. The words get stuck and instead I just wrap my arms around him,

hoping to communicate to him in this way that I value him as a friend. After

a moment I pull away for although my body longs to stay I know that if I

stay in his arms for any longer I will not be able to hold back the tears

that threaten to stream down my face. But it is too late, I feel my eyes

filling up and I realise that I must get out of there before he works out

how I feel and I lose the most important thing in my life. If I can leave

fast enough I can salvage the situation tomorrow. I'll have a whole night to

think of ways of explaining my uncharacteristic behaviour. I run for the

door and fumble for the key to my room. As I try to open the lock, I hear

him calling out my name. He sounds puzzled and hurt. Again I feel a twinge

of guilt. I hadn't intended to hurt him. The lock clicks and the door opens,

I rush through it but to my dismay Mulder follows me. He closes the door

behind him. Although I have my back to him, I feel him approach me.

"Scully, what's wrong? Is it something I've done?" he asks, his tone still

one of puzzlement and pain.

I feel that I must answer him,

"No, no. Its not your fault. Its mine, all mine," I say but I hear it come

out cloaked in sobs.

"What do you mean? What's all your fault?" he asks, turning me around to

face him.

"I'm sorry Mulder, I'm just so sorry," I sob, unable to think any more

clearly than that.

"Scully, please tell me what's wrong and don't say you're fine. Don't you

even trust me enough to tell me?"

I hear his voice become tinged with anger mixed in with the pain. How wrong

he was, I long to tell him.

"What do you mean, I don't trust you? I trust you more than I do myself,

more than you could ever know. Oh, please just leave, Mulder, please," I

beg, grabbing his hand which was still resting on my shoulder. I held it for

a second and watched as Mulder's shocked silence began to turn into

confusion as he stumbles out an,

"I don't understand."

I feel my hand shaking as I glance up into his face and see that he is

becoming as emotional as I am. I hate myself at this moment for what I know

I am about to do, for the fact that I have caused the pain that I see in his

eyes, for the fact that I can no longer control what my mouth is going to do

and for the fact that it has been my self-indulgence in allowing this bout

of self absorption and pity that has led me to acting so out of character

that I am about to throw away the most important relationship of my life.

"What's there to understand? I love you."

There, the words are out. As his, the man I love's, hands pull away from

mine, the enormity of what I have just done is confirmed. After all is lost,

what more is there left to lose? So I continue,

"Of course I love you, Mulder. You are the centre of my life. Now you are

gone, what more have I?"

Hearing that statement out loud really brings it home to me. That is it, my

life is over. I feel my newly found confidence rush out of me and my mind

starts to feel numb. I feel like crying but the tears don't come. I look

over to

him, still staring in silence. Suddenly, he seems to regain control of his

body and he grabs hold of my hands again. I am unsure of what is going to

happen. Is he trying to salvage something of our friendship? Then he speaks,

"I love you, too."

He speaks those words in nearly a whisper, looking down into my eyes. Now I

am very unsure of what is happening. Mulder couldn't have just said what I

thought he had said. But then I hear him speak again,

"Scully, I love you,"

And then I know it is true. Joy and relief flood through my body but they

are joined by another emotion, bewilderment. Never had I seriously

considered the possibility that he would feel the same way I do. I have no

idea how to react until he kisses me and then all other thoughts leave my

mind for I am with the man I love, and he loves me in return.

Fini

Author's notes: There we are. Please tell me what you thought. And yes I do

realise that Scully must know that Mulder loves her but in didn't fit in

with the story so sorry for the inaccuracy of that. Maybe she thinks that he

cannot love

because he is so obsessed with his work or something. Ok, so maybe not but

just allow a girl a bit of a sappy fic to fill her afternoon alright. Hope

you enjoyed it.

Evilal@shalom.freeserve.co.uk

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"You are my touchstone"