Title: Never Will I Roam
Rating: G
Category: MSR
Spoilers: Within/Without- but only vaguely.
Archive: Why certainly... just let me know please.
Summary: Mulder reaches out to Scully the only way he can... for now.
Feedback: I need it desperately these days. I suffer from low fic-writing esteem. Please Send your thoughts to xenoprobe@hotmail.com or http://www.xenoprobe.com

Disclaimer: Not mine, never were- make no profit, have no money, do not sue :)

*~*~*~*
Never Will I Roam
By xenoprobe

You are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I watch you, knowing you cannot see me, for I am not really there. I am a spirit. I am thought without weight- flitting in and out of you when you are busy. I have learned so much but at such a cost... such a cost Scully.

I can find you wherever you are- see you when the pain is too much for anything but for you to save me. You save me everyday.

I know how scared you are. I can even feel you, like the prickles of static electricity on my skin, your emotions colour me, warm me. It took me a while to hone these new talents and in turn it took me a while longer to realize that our dream was a reality. You are pregnant. I am not there. How unfair the universe is and how sorry I am that you are alone.

But you're not really alone Scully. I'm here. I'm right with you everyday. I cannot leave you- I am the ghost that haunts you, will always haunt you, Scully.

Yesterday you sat in the bathtub and cried. You held your knees to your chest as closely as possible, your perfect belly impeding your efforts. Although I am all too aware that I was not physically there, I felt an overwhelming need to comfort you. As you stretched out in the soapy water I literally cried out, wanting to touch you. The thought of dipping my hand into the warm water, tracing circles up your arms, smoothing my hand over your tummy to feel the very kick of life strike my palm beneath... it was all too much. I sobbed, cursing this life, cursing my lack of strength to free myself from these restraints, both physical and invisible.

So beautiful Scully.

I watched you dip your head to wash your hair. Under water, you looked peaceful for a moment- unaware of the noise of life going on outside of this small watery universe. When you sat up again the pain returned to your face and I whispered to you.

'Hear me Scully... I am right here... you can feel me I know you can.'

Your wonderful lips curved into a smile and I could feel it all over me.

'I'm sorry I can't be there. I'm so sorry Scully- but I am with you- with you always.'

Your quiet tears disappeared into the bath water but your smile remained.

'I am coming. I promise you Scully- as soon as I can I will be there. I will never leave you again...'

At that your lips trembled and you spoke out loud.

"Mulder..." Your hands encircled your belly again. "Come home." Your whisper filled me and I was taken with the sudden urge to scream. To rile against the restraints and shatter this world of suspended nothingness. I drifted from you and the empty pain returned.

How dare they keep me from you! How dare they! You are my life! How can they test me to any satisfaction when I am not whole? How can they conclude anything without an understanding of the soul? You are my soul Scully- you make me human.

I close my eyes again, feeling out a path to you. You are asleep and dreaming. I listen closely to the steady thump of your heart and am distracted by another noise, a faster beat just beyond your rhythm. Before I even realize it- I can feel tears soaking my temples... I am hearing the beat of our baby's heart. Strong. Alive.

Like the black night sky, the shadows all around me swallow my broken heart. And yet the very breath of you imbues me with strength. Strength to find my way, strength to see our child born to both parents and strength to share with you Scully, just how boundless my love is. The alternating rhythms of Scully and child- it is a calling, the drum that calls me home.

'I'm coming Scully...'

In your slumber I hear you say,

"Come back to me Mulder."

'I'm coming Scully... I'm coming home.'

FIN

Author's Notes: While this could be considered a follow-up to Within You, Without You I had not originally intended it to be. I keep imagining Mulder in that chair, strapped and pinned in place, dreaming up ways to find his way home. The fic is short- as most of mine are lately, but I hope it conveys the Mulder side of loss and longing our heroes suffer of late. Please let me know if it sucked eggs or even if you liked it a little :)

I hope you all share a wonderful holidays season with your near and dear ones- Happy X-mas!

xenoprobe