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Bob - 11/16/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song in my head:
Nobody knows, my troubles with God.
Nobody knows, my troubles with God.
- Mobey -
This Monday Stephen Johnson, in "Lunatic Ravings," suggested that perhaps Jerome might
be the father of my new baby…to that I say "bunk!" Because Jerome is not able to have children because
his "nads" go smashed up as a child.
Every time he said, "liver
patty" the neighborhood kids would smash his testicles with a hammer.
By his teen years, his jewels had the consistency of cooked oatmeal in a wet paper bag. All which goes to prove
that Stephen is a moron.
It turns out that the old lady is not pregnant, it was just gas. She said she went to a doctor to get checked, but it turns out the
doctor was an "Aroma-Therapy Doctor." My wife tells the doc that she got a stomachache and the first
thing out of Miss Aroma-lady's mouth is, "You must be pregnant."
Oh, well. At least she came home with some sweet incense.
I was really disappointed because, I had a theory I wanted to test. I thought I could feel around my wife's stomach
until I felt the baby. When I found it, I would find his little head and give it a good squeeze each time he decided
to kick my wife. This, my theory states, would teach him discipline. As a result, he would be born well mannered
right from the git-go. I guess I'll have to test my theory out on small animals instead. My neighbor has a pregnant
cat that's been roaming the neighborhood….hmmmm.
I like experiments with cats.
Some Reader Mail!!!
Cindy H. writes:
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Sick mutha-fucka. Bob.
Bob Replies:
Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy,
Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy Cindy, Cindy. Stupid mutha-fucka. Cindy.
Hal C. writes:
You just pull shit out of your ear, don't you?
Bob Replies:
Speaking of ears, today at work, my ear started itching and felt like there was a small lava-like flow of wax coming
out. I put my finger in my ear and scratched. When I pulled it out I had a nice coating of ear caramel on the
end of my finger, which I appropriately wiped on my chair.
I got nice high wall in my cubicle, so no one could see me.
But something didn't feel right. I rubbed my finger on my ear again and I could feel a thing there. I fiddled
with ear a bit, and discovered it was a little piece of ear hair growing out. I thought only grandpa's got ear
hair, so I got nervous and frantically tried to grab and tug at that piece of hair to get it out, but my fingers
kept slipping on it.
I think it got coated with ear wax. When I got a good grip, it kinda gave me a shrill in my head and it would
make my eyes squint. It kind of hurt and I kept loosing my grip. But I was really determined to pull that sucker
out!
Finally I got a good grip. My head is tilted with the offending ear facing up. I'm picking at my ear, and my
eyes are squinted in pain as I try to pull it out. I turn this way and that in chair, because it's really hard
to pull that hair, and it's making my nose itch like crazy when I pull on it.
Kaaaaaa-Flaaaaaarshhhhh---shoooooo! The itch gave way to a giant sneeze. A big buggery sneeze. Creamy white
nose cum slaps in my hand.
Just then I see my boss in my doorway. My head is tilted, eyes squinted, with one hand in my ear, and the other
has snot dripping off my finger tips.
I didn't get in trouble but now I'm not allowed to eat in the cafeteria.
So yes.
I do in fact pull shit out of my ear.
COMING NEXT: I told you
so!
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