EXCERPTS of Don't Look in the Lake

by Jeannette Jaquish(c) 2008

RICKY - Boy who tries to be cool
PENNY - Girl who tries to be cool
VICKY - Two big bouncy pony tails big smile
(can also play:)
DROWNED DEBBIE - Wet, stringy hair & decayed nightgown.
ANDREW - Like Martin on The Simpsons: romantic, optimistic, joyful, naive.
MEAN COUNSELOR - yells, angry
HAPPY COUNSELOR - air head
CREEPY JANITOR - looks bored/spaced/weird
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SCENE 1 - ARRIVING AT CAMP
(RICKY & PENNY ENTER.
HAPPY & MEAN COUNSELORS check lists at table.)

RICKY - Finally we're off that bus! It stunk!

PENNY - And that sticky stuff on the floor pulled my shoe off.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

VICKY (ENTERING, to Ricky) Oh are you looking for the pink and red Hello Kitty suitcase? It's adorable! I love your fashion sense! It's in the pile behind bus #4.

RICKY - It's not for me! It's for --

MEAN COUNSELOR (striding past them): Move out maggots! Get your stuff and hoof it over to the Nurses Trailer for lice inspection!

VICKY - Oh, I love Camp PickaScab. Isn't it beautiful? It's the best camp in the world! I've been coming since I was 5 years old.

ANDREW - Really? This is my first year. I'm a little nervous. I'm afraid I won't make any friends.

VICKY - Oh don't worry about that! You'll make lots of friends! Starting with me! My name is Vicky!

ANDREW - I'm Andrew!

VICKY - Nice to meet you Andrew! (to others) Hi! I'm Vicky! What are your names?

PENNY - Uh... Penny.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

VICKY - Oh! Ricky rhymes with my name: Vicky! We can use each others' names in poetry workshop.
RICKY - (horrified) No!

VICKY - Once there was a boy named Ricky;
Who fell in love with a girl named Vicky!
RICKY - Aaack!

VICKY - Oopsie! Everyone's got their stuff and leaving and here we are yakking! Bye!

ANDREW - Wow! Vicky is a ball of energy! Camp is going to be great! (He skips off)

PENNY - (calling to offstage) Hey, That's my suitcase! Don't throw it in the dumpster! (EXITS)

RICKY - (pointing offstage) My suitcase is crushed! Someone tossed it on the sidewalk and everyone walked on it! (EXITS)
(Curtain closes)
SCENE 2 - WORKSHOPS
(In front of closed curtain.
RICKY & PENNY ENTER stage apron chased BY MEAN COUNSELOR, and EXIT the other side)

MEAN COUNSELOR - Move it runts! You've got lanyard sweatshop for 2 hours starting in 1 minute, and we still need to scrape your fingernails.

PENNY - But my fingers are still sore from picking nettles out of my Army blanket.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

RICKY - Where are the other campers?

MEAN COUNSELOR (poking head in) Got any more campers talking without raising their hands?
We need more to hoe the tobacco field!

HAPPY COUNSELOR - No! Sorry! They're all being very good and are very excited about making jewelry out of recycled materials for their mothers or 2nd fathers.

MEAN COUNSELOR - Drat. (EXITS)

HAPPY COUNSELOR - So, let's get to work making pretty things!

PENNY - Do we have scissors or glue?

HAPPY COUNSELOR - I'm sorry, little girl, we don't allow campers to use scissors or glue or staples or paper or pencils or crayons, since the Camper Uprising of 1974. Bloody mess.

JANITOR - Wore out 9 mops.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

ANDREW (holding milk jug on his ring finger)- Counselor Joy! Look at the beautiful the ring I'm making for my mother.

VICKY - Oh, you are a brilliant designer! I'm going to make my mother a milk jug ring too! And a newspaper bow for her hair!

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

MEAN COUNSELOR - Your hamster died.

HAPPY COUNSELOR - Oh! (bursts into tears and EXITS) Hammy!

MEAN COUNSELOR - Guess I'll have to tell your story now. Squirmy Squirrel also knew that it was very dangerous to come down out of the trees after dark because something not-very-nice lived in the lake and crawled out when the sun went down.

ANDREW - Ooooh! Ooooh! Was it the Loch Ness Monster?

MEAN COUNSELOR - Better. Many years ago, when Camp PickaScab still had fresh paint, and typhoid-tainted milk in clear glass bottles, there was a camper girl named Debbie who didn't follow the rules.
She didn't want to share her camp-store money with the counselors. She didn't want to sign the pre-written letters to home. And she didn't want to stay in her bunk at night. Do you know what she did?

(No answer)

MEAN COUNSELOR - I just told you, you little numbskulls.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

HAPPY COUNSELOR (ENTERING) - My hamster didn't die! I just called home!

MEAN COUNSELOR - Oh, sorry! Must have been a wrong number. (EXITS)

HAPPY COUNSELOR - Ooops! Look at the clock! Time for poetry writing! Into your chairs.

ANDREW & VICKY - Yes!

RICKY & PENNY- Nooooo!

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

MEAN COUNSELOR - Boys do sweat lodge instead. (EXIT)

RICKY - Sweat lodge????????

HAPPY COUNSELOR - I have to go make a big vat of Kool-aid. Keep working while I am gone. (EXIT)

(JANITOR cleans other side, ignores them.)

RICKY - This camp is terrible!

PENNY - I hate it!

ANDREW - How can you say that? It challenges the mind and dazzles the senses.

RICKY - I tried using the pay phone to call home. It wants 40 Canadian quarters!

PENNY - I saw a trash can full of campers' letters to home. I read some of them. Do you know that last week they had to dissect a possum for arts and crafts?

ANDREW - That sounds very educational!

RICKY - We've got to escape. (to Penny) Do you want to go with me?

PENNY - We could sneak out after lights out!

ANDREW - Are you out of your mind? Didn't you hear the story about Drowned Debbie? She'll crawl out of the lake and drag you back in!

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

ANDREW - I brought my flashlight! (waves it, lit)

RICKY & PENNY - Turn that off!

ANDREW - Okie-dokie! Which way should we go?

PENNY - I saw a break in the fence behind the guard shack.

RICKY - Ok, let's go.

ANDREW - I'll bring up the rear!

(THEY EXIT. ENTER MEAN & HAPPY COUNSELORS)
MEAN: They went this way.

HAPPY: How can you tell?
MEAN: I can smell their fear.

HAPPY: But the whole camp smells like fear.
MEAN: Yeah, but this is fresher... Come on..

HAPPY: Are you following their footprints?
MEAN: No those giant bread crumbs.

HAPPY: Oh, such smart children! They sprinkled bread crumbs so they could find their way back! Just like Hansel and Gretel!

MEAN: More likely they gagged on their foot-long Spam Hoagies at dinner time.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

ANDREW - Yes the fire! That's something to be thankful for. You did a great job building a fire from just sticks and twigs.

RICKY - And the lighter we found in the pocket of that other dead camper who tried to escape.

ANDREW - Yes, he turned out to be very handy.

PENNY & RICKY- (Sigh)

ANDREW - Hey! I'll cheer us up. I'll tell a spooooky story.

PENNY - Sure. Go ahead.

(As Andrew tells it, the other kids look off bored. They do not see DROWNED DEBBIE rise from behind or under something behind them. No one notices her grab Penny by the throat and pull her down as she struggles and becomes still, then same with Ricky.
As Andrew finishes his story she sits next to him.)

ANDREW: Once upon a time there was girl named Rita and she loved milk.
She went to camp, but the milk at this camp was chunky and lumpy because it expired 25 years ago, but Rita didn't care because she loved milk so much.
After lights out Rita couldn't sleep because she craved milk and had to get more.
So she snuck out of her cabin to go to the dining hall to get milk.
When she was about 100 yards away she thought she could hear a voice. The voice was saying, "I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you."
So she picked up the pace a little bit.
When she was 50 yards away she thought she could hear it again but a little bit louder
"I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you."
So she picked up the pace a little bit more.
When she was 25 yards away she was sure she could hear the voice.
"I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you."
She got really scared but she really wanted milk.
So she started running until she reached the door to the dining hall.
The voice was really loud now:
"I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you!"

------------REMOVED SECTION

ANDREW - I agree. I can't find the words to describe it.

MEAN - (walking past them) - Alright, you dumb campers! On the bus. And don't trip because the line doesn't stop for anyone!

JANITOR (swatting them with the mop) Move it, move it.

HAPPY- (hugging each from front of line) Oh, I love you all. Come back again next year.

(RICKY & PENNY will eventually EXIT.)

ANDREW - Oh I will! Especially to see my new best friend, Debbie!

HAPPY - Debbie? I don't recall a Debbie. Which cabin was she in?

ANDREW - She's not in a cabin. She's Drowned Debbie. She sleeps in the lake and lives in the woods.
Oops! Gotta go! See you next year!
I already pre-registered for disco class!
I love camp! (skips EXIT)

(COUNSELORS look at each other nervously.)

HAPPY - Drowned...?

MEAN - Debbie...?

JANITOR: If the stingy gits who run this dump would pay to drag the lake occasionally, we'd get more repeat business.

(CURTAIN CLOSES.)
(All actors bow, and Andrew is the last. He comes out blowing kisses and acting like a beloved hero. The other actors exiting leaving him behind. He continues walking forward as the curtain closes behind him. He notices the others have left.) ANDREW - Hey! Where did everybody go? (Hand comes through curtain and grabs him. Mean Counselor continues through curtain.) MEAN Well, well, look who missed the bus. Guess who is spending the weekend with me? (Another hand comes through and clamps onto Mean Counselor's shoulder. Drowned Debbie follows through.) DROWNED DEBBIE I am. (With an evil laugh, DROWNED DEBBIE pulls MEAN COUNSELOR offstage, leaving ANDREW onstage.) ANDREW Hi Debbie! Bye Debbie! Oh dear, now I need to use the ha-ha bathroom. (EXITS) ~THE END~

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