Scenes from ''Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice
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LUNA (Enters carrying a brown bag lunch)
Hi, Harry, Hermione, Rick.
Oh, sorry. Hi, Ron. Does that happen to you a lot?
I heard your consternation about whether the House Elves, in their current distress, can make a proper dinner. Well, ďproper dinnerĒ, is of course, a matter of definition. Evidently, we are brown-bagging it this evening.
(PULLS ITEMS OUT OF BAG)
Looks like some kind of wilted algae sandwich on a toasted fiber mat, oozing (sniff sniff) weasel gland mustard,
a baked rotten banana tied with a bow-- very festive,
and a zip-loc baggie of some kind of curdled mammal milk. I guess you drink it by pricking the corner and squeezing it into your mouth.
The House Elves are handing these out in the Great Hall. Better get yours before they run out.
Oh. And packets of ketchup. A brilliant Muggle vegetable invention! (waves one)
I think I will have a picnic in the Owlery! (EXITS)
HERMIONE (with Ron, having climbed thru Harryís Dursley home window to rescue him)
No, Harry, Ronís dad didnít magic another Muggle car. His mom would never let him, says itís too dangerous if Ron or Fred or George gets ahold of it. I showed Ron how to find your house on a map and then we hitch-hiked 80 miles to get here. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!
Ron whined the whole time but I wouldnít let him! Iím not getting expelled!
But the hardest part was getting up to your window.
We had to shimmy up your auntís climbing roses.
(THEY show red spotted hands)
Got some bloody sharp thorns on them.
(Harry is more concerned about his aunt getting mad)
Your aunt will have a fit if we tore any down!? (walks away angry at him) Thanks for the empathy, Harry.
RITA SKEETER - Back again, Rita Skeeter, here. The elusive Potter has given me the slip, but I am undeterred in my quest.
There is evidence of his disruptive influence everywhere:
-- a plague of hallucinations and rumor among the house elves,
-- a large pancake of squashed frog on the schoolís front steps- obviously a warning,
-- and the putrid smell of Toxic Level Friendship Batter.
In addition, I hope to encounter the schoolís befuddled Headmaster , Albus Dumb,- and I emphasize Dumb, Albus Dumb-ledore as a hostile witness,
or the brilliant and brave Draco Malfoy, whose dashingly dangerous father Lucius, sponsors my column in The Daily Prophet.
The search goes on. This is Rita Skeeter signing out.
GINNY Ė When did I stop being drooling fool shy around you, Harry? Middle of 1st period when Seamus and I exchanged flirty notes, but he wasnít ready to commit,
and then Roland gave me the eye before 2nd period, but Trevor won my heart with this beautiful Promise Me ring - Isnít it smashing?
We broke up but Iím keeping it because he and Melody were picking baby names. Can you imagine!
I should move it to another finger to show Iím back on the market! See ya, Harry! (Exits, pulling off ring.)
LUNA [singing] - Mairsy doats and dosey doats and little lambsey divey...
What did you say, Ron? Something is behind me? (turns to look)
Oh, a Dementor! THAT explains the chilly breeze.
(cheerfully to DEMENTOR) Happy thoughts. . . Happy thoughts! Thatís all I ever have.
(DEMENTOR EXITS with a cry of pain clutching its face. HARRY is cowering.)
Harry, itís gone. You can come out now. Un-curl, Harry.
Oooh, you look just like a nesting Snarkrapple.
Daddy and I lived among a colony for 6 weeks to observe them in their natural habitat. Daddyís doing a nature piece for the Quibbler.
I still havenít gotten their nesting thratch out of my hair. Or their fleeg out of my teeth. See you later. (EXITS dreamily)
MYRTLE Of course I can leave my restroom, Ron. Thatís just my home base.
Your giiirrrl friend Hermione invited me to join you, because you three want to find the Hogwartís kitchen, aaaand... I know all the plumbing.
I could tell you where it is, or even better... Harry .... I can show you. I know you canít sliiiide down the pipes like I can -- thatís the fast way. But I can leeeeead you.
Someday, Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived -- you will die.
Youíll need someplace to haunt. If you donít like my restroom, I might be able to relocate.
Well, here we go! Our expedition begins along the east auxiliary drainpipe, which merges into the main, before descending 15 degreeeees .....( she dives forward running, they follow and EXIT)