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RON (with Hermione, having climbed thru Harry’s Dursley home window to rescue him)
No, Harry, my dad didn’t magic another Muggle car. Mom won’t let him, not even to rescue you. She says it’s too dangerous if Fred or George or I get a hold of it. So, me and Hermione hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!
Hermione wouldn’t let me! She says, “I’m not getting expelled!”
Then we finally get here and realize you have a 2nd story window!
We had to shimmy up your aunt’s climbing roses.
(THEY show red spotted hands)
Got some bloody sharp thorns on them.
(Harry is more concerned about his aunt getting mad)
Your aunt will have a fit if we tore them down!? Crikey, Harry, I hope she does, and takes it out on you!
But we gotta use magic to get back to the Burrow. That motorcycle gang is still mad at me for knocking over their bikes.
HAGRID & DRACO MALFOY
HAGRID Oh hey, uh… Draco.
MALFOY (insolently) Yeah, what?
HAGRID Uh, hey, Draco, just wanted to say that… that I’s glad to see you coming back to Hogwarts.
MALFOY And why wouldn’t I? I have every right to be here!
HAGRID Of course you have. Of course. I’s just thinking that it’s hard on a boy, not having his dad at home …. Mother’s are fine, of course, wonderful things they are, but there’s nothing like a dad…
MALFOY My father is locked up in Azkaban! Framed by that deranged, senile old fool Dumbledore and his piddling lap dog Harry Potter!
HAGRID Well, that be what is is... or isn’t….. I just wanted you to know that if maybe you was ever wanting a sort of a father figure to talk to…
MALFOY To talk to? To talk to??? Do you mean you???
HAGRID Yes. I did mean me. I think maybe I sort of know what you and yer dad are goin’ through, Draco. I was in Azkaban myself for a short but horrible spell a few years ago, something to do with your dad, if I remember correctly, but I don’t hold that against you, of course. And though I did have a dad, bless his soul, my mom was never around, she being a giant and not really the maternal sort, so’s I know what it’s like to only have one parent around.
MALFOY You know what it’s like? YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE??? If I ever need comforting from a half-human forest freak I hope someone … someone.. (he is so mad he cannot find the words) Aaargh! (EXITS.)
HAGRID So... maybe I’ll be seeing ya? I bake on Thursdays. Amish friendship bread this week!
HARRY – Wow. You’ve been busy. I spent half MY morning hiding under a sink in the mop closet because that Skeeter woman was following me. Bye! (calling to that person) Now I’ve got a crick in my back!
SOUND FX - “SONIC BOOM!”
KREACHER (ENTERS tumbling in) - Master has called “Kreacher back!” and Kreacher has come.
HARRY – Kreacher! I didn’t call you! I said “crick in my back”!
KREACHER - Master says Master did not call Kreacher. Kreacher will stuff hot potatoes in his ears to stop him from hearing Master when Master does not call.
HARRY – No Kreacher, don’t punish yourself.
KREACHER - Glowing red hot potatoes. It is a pleasure not a punishment.
HARRY – No, Kreacher! It’s GREAT to see you.
KREACHER - So Master can stuff the hot potatoes in Kreacher’s ears himself.
HARRY – No no no!
KREACHER - I open my ears to serve the Master.
HARRY – Stop! Never mind, just go home, Kreacher.
KREACHER - Kreacher will pick up a bag of potatoes on the way.
HARRY Oh, I’m so confused. Everything keeps changing. Maybe I’ve fallen into a parallel universe or I’ve undergone a memory implant.
(looks up at Ron) You’ve never read any science fiction have you, Ron?
No, Ron, Everyone does not know that “ALL science is fiction”!
Ron have you ever heard of the moon landing or electricity?
No, Ron, Art Bell, is not the Muggle Czar of Science.
Yes! Let’s go see Dobby in the kitchen. He can tell me what’s happening? (EXIT)