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by Jeannette Jaquish
©2011 Jeannette Jaquish

Royalty information at

Look at this new announcement!
“President and High Commander of the United Colonies of Earth, Gunt Lastin Retlith, will be arriving at Tempest-Figaro Base One at approximately 11 hundred tomorrow Earth Time during a tour of all the military-industrial planetary outposts.”

(Reads:) “Prior to his visit, Species Specialist Private Robinson will have arrived and inventoried your progress to summarize for the President. The President’s decision will determine whether more men, equipment and supplies will be sent, or if your outpost will remain on minimum staffing and equipment level until your species-gathering assignment is completed.”

“He will be joined by his daughter, The Heir to the Throne, Her Most Perfect Princess Constella, at approximately the same time, radiation permitting. The daughter will be arriving separately by special royal family transport. Have appropriate activities ready to entertain the daughter while her father inspects.”

Appropriate activities?? Do they think we have shopping malls?

We can’t pass inspection. We’ll be stuck here, abandoned, with no hope of escape! With not a couch or coffeepot, living on vegetables that mutate weirder with each generation, fighting over rancid peanut butter, drinking fermented oatmeal, and with not enough men to even play a decent game of Old Maid.

Curse that alien technology! What kind of dysfunctional, twisted science bypasses the speed of light – a perfectly reasonable limitation? And why’d this so-called “advanced culture” leave it lying around? Were they so perfect they couldn’t install an auto-destruct in case of meteor shower or epidemic? Humans can’t be trusted with sticks and stones and now the most narcissistic dictator in history has faster than light travel, life extension, and who knows what weaponry!

And why does a new dictator have to inspect all the planetary outposts? In person???
Can’t he settle into the Big House and redecorate, or lop heads off the old staff?

For 8 months, we’re abandoned. Now we’re Downtown Tesla Station!

Retlith demands perfection! Look at this dump! D’you think he’ll kill us here or ship us to Disney Arena Dome and have it televised?

What can we do? What can we do?