Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice -- The sssssPOOF!
by Jeannette Jaquish, an absurd parody of J.K. Rowling's books and movies

KREACHER - '' Harry Potter is the master, now that Kreacher's previous master died. The worthless Muggle-lover
Sirius Black; that cursed child who broke his mother's heart and polluted a long lineage of dark wizards.''

TECH NOTES & Set Diagrams
Music CD for Harry Potter script
Contact Jeannette Jaquish, the playwright
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CAST - flexible by number and characters

Ecstatic Theatrics, J.Jaquish-director
COST: 1st performance: $30; additional performances: $15 each; or 1 year: $90.
MUSIC CD: $23 - Great licensed music -- NOT the movie soundtrack
TECH: Medium-simple. Ordinary furniture, simple lighting, easy to make props. Quick but simple set changes. Tech notes.
POSTER included, ready for you to fill in information.
LENGTH: 32 min./ 40 min./ 60 min. / 80 min. /90min. due to optional scenes, bits, and characters. Tell J. Jaquish your cast size, favorite characters and desired length for a custom edited script.
MILD or REGULAR VERSION: Mild version removes or softens the threats and comic violence.
CAST: 9 to 26 actors. Submit your cast list for a custom script.

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"We performed the show and it was a HIT! The kids had a ball and the audience roared!
The show was very easy to stage and Ms. Jaquish was very flexible in helping us fit the script to our children's theater's needs."

-- Neva Garrett, Holly Theatre in Dahlonega, Georgia - hollytheater.com
"Our Harry Potter opening weekend went really well and set records in attendance (we are doing 15 performances). We have taken a full range of photos and will be doing a video this weekend. We also received top billing in the local newspaper with amazing press."
-- Sherry Ingribritsen, President/Artistic Director New Dawn Theater Company

Harry is once again locked in his room where Dobby & an inebriated Winky come to save, not his life, but at least his career. At Hogwarts, things are weirder than ever: Snape is furious at Ron's splashed potion, Hagrid doesn't think Harry's "hearing voices" thing is funny, Dumbledore has lost his meal ticket, Luna dissects the brown bag lunch, Malfoy has a fancy-schmancy new "mission", Moaning Myrtle is giving tours of the plumbing, time is twisting, and the House Elves battle Peeves, a three-headed dog, and whisper about "The Master". Twist ending.

New Dawn Theatre in Duluth, Georgia

EXCERPTS from Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice
The ssssPOOF!
(c)2007-2016 Jeannette Jaquish

A great school play or kids mystery theater script by J.R. Jaquish
based on the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling and the movies based on her books.

A Mild Version exists of this script.
These EXCERPTS are about 1/4 of the whole script.

(Harry Potter’s bedroom. Bed, chairs, shoes on floor.) HARRY - I didn’t levitate your ceramic jug into the air and drop it! Dudley threw it at me when you weren’t looking!

DUDLEY – He’s lying again, Mummy. (advances on Harry) Should I pound him some more?

MRS DURSLEY – (patting him)
No, Dearest. You might get infection.
We’ll just let “The Treatment” do its work.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY You startled me. Can’t you knock?
Hudson Community Education Class, River Falls, Wisc.-Hudson Star Observer

DOBBY Dobby is sorry. Dobby will pour red ants into his ears for punishment. But Dobby has a message.

HARRY What message?
[Music begins.]

HARRY - A singing telegram???
Won’t You Stay Home, Please Harry?
(to the tune of “Won’t you Come Home, Bill Bailey?”)
Won’t you stay home please Harry?
Won’t you stay home?
Don’t take that Hogwarts Train!
WINKY: Chugga chugga chugga choo choo
Don’t fly that creaky broom,
Don’t try them spells,
Magic will rot your brain!
WINKY: Duh Duh Doopy-doo

Horror and shame await you
in Gryffindor and -- At
the Quidditch Astrodome!

Don’t make this poor elf cry, WINKY: Boo-hoo
When I poke you in the eye, WINKY: Whee!
Oh, Harry won’t you please stay home?!

Stay back you crazy house elf!
Don’t rescue me,
Your help will be my doom;
You dropped Petunia’s pudding;
I got the blame;
You knocked me off my broom;

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY POTTER Not this AGAIN!!! I've told you, Dobby. Learning magic is my life!

DOBBY Learning magic??? No! No! Harry Potter must not make another movie!


DOBBY Harry Potter is getting too old for his character. (squirms) He... He.... He...

WINKY (hollers) Looks ridiculous!

HARRY What??? I look ridiculous? (pointing at drunk Winky) You drunk and wearing a pillowcase, think I look ridiculous?

DOBBY It’s not your fault, Harry Potter. It’s... It’s.. Aaaaah! (whacks his own head with fists)

HARRY Dobby! Stop! (grabs Dobby's wrists)

WINKY It’s nothing! He does it all the time.

HARRY Dobby! Dobby! Tell me what's wrong!

DOBBY Dobby almost spoke ill of his master.
(pulls loose, grabs shoes from floor and hits self)
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

WINKY (imitating ) Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

HARRY - Not my shoes!
(HARRY tosses aside shoes.
WINKY steps into shoes and clomps around.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DOBBY No no no! Dobby must NEVER NAME the higher master! The higher master can kill any of us! Like that! [Snaps fingers or claps!]

(RON & HERMIONE ENTER thru window or from behind bed, in dirty jackets and bloody bandages.)

RON & HERMIONE - Harry! (Go downstage)

WINKY - Eeeek! Bed Trolls!
(Falls off bed. Runs away from them.
DOBBY & WINKY hide behind Harry, peeking out.)

HARRY (go to them) Ron! And Hermione! This is great! How did you get here? Did your dad magic another Muggle car?

RON No, Mum would never let him. Says it’s too dangerous if Fred or George or I get ahold of it.

HARRY So how did you get here?

RON We hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!

HERMIONE (proudly) I wouldn’t let him! I’m not getting expelled!

HARRY Wow! How did you get up to my window?

HERMIONE Shimmied up your aunt’s climbing roses. (THEY show red spotted hands)

RON Got some bloody sharp thorns on them.

HARRY (looks closely, concerned) Oh, that’s awful!!! If you tore any of them down she’ll have a fit.

HERMIONE (mad, crosses past him) Thanks for the empathy, Harry.
(sees Winky) Ooooh! House elves!

WINKY I’m off duty! Bandage your own bloody hands!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DOBBY If Harry Potter promises not to make another movie...

HARRY I can’t do that, Dobby!

RON Hey Dobby. My house is real messy. You could get in some good floor scrubbings.

DOBBY (skips to him excited) Ooooh! Scrubbing??

HERMIONE Oh, yeah! And the sink was full of dirty dishes when we left. I’ll bet they are still there!

WINKY (skips to her) Oooooh! Dirty dishes? With baked on crust?

WINKY & DOBBY (dance) Baked on crust!!!

RON (to Hermione) I thought you hated the enslavement of house elves.

HERMIONE (angry whisper) It’s just a trick, Ron! That motorcycle gang is still mad about you wrecking all their bikes, remember?

RON Oh, yeah. Hey, Dobby! Whisk us home and I’ll try to convince Harry to go into dinner theater.

HERMIONE Or puppets!

DOBBY (thinking) OK. Dobby will do it! Winky?

WINKY All right! I got nothing else to do.

DOBBY Take our hands. Evaporate!
(MUSIC: #3 “Evaporate” (0:30) )

ALL (EXIT) Aaaaahhh.......

Scene 2

( MUSIC # “First Years to the Boats”
To the tune: “Song of the Volga Boatmen”)

[HAGRID ENTERS and stands center.
RITA SKEETER ENTERS skulking in the background whisper writing to her feather quill onto a notepad.

Camp Curtain Call - Charleston, WV Gazette-Mail

HAGRID [sings]-
First years to the boats.
Line up on the docks
Leave your luggage,
in the mud and rocks.
(COLIN ENTERS crossing with Flash Camera.)

Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys am I, (grabs COLIN)
Colin Creavey don’t you even try,
Sneakin’ past me; Don’t you make,
Me have to pull you, outta the lake,
Like last year,
By the ear?

RITA SKEETER - . . . A costumed gorilla directing traffic.

HAGRID - Creavey! You ain’t no 1st Year. So, get over to the carriages! (shoves)

COLIN - Sure, Hagrid. Smile! (Camera flashes Hagrid in the face)

HAGRID - Aaah! Oh, yeah. With the camera. Hey where’s your little brother, Dennis?

COLIN (shrugging) I dunno. (flashes again) That was a good one!

HAGRID - Aaah!

SKEETER - . . . dangerous Muggle pyrotechnics . .

HAGRID (mad) Stop flashing me ya little Popparotski! (grabs his camera and looks like he will hit him)

GINNY (ENTERS) – Hi, Hagrid! Have you seen (romantic sigh) Harry?

SKEETER - Potter’s distraught, discarded little stalker lurks nearby . .

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

SKEETER - Oh, here they come. Overflow from the lunatic asylum hired as teachers. . .
Ecstatic Theatrics, J.Jaquish-director


McGONAGAL - I don’t care if you can see the future! You can’t grade the students before the semester begins!

TREWLANEY - Tell the truth! Do you ever read the Weasley boys’ tests before marking them F?

McGONAGAL - Well....

HAGRID - Professor Trewlaney! And Professor McGonagal! Hey, I’ve got a surprise for YOU.

McGONAGAL - Oh, I hate surprises.

HAGRID - Professor Sprout helped me with my garden this year.
[McGONAGAL looks bored]
I got a bumper crop of pumpkins, cabbages, turnips and this little flower.
Catnip - nepeta cataria

[pulls out a straight leafy stalk with tiny white flowers at the end. Without seeing it, just smelling it, McGonagal’s eyes open wide and she becomes enchanted and dizzy in love with it,
following it around with a silly grin,
as Hagrid waves it around while talking]

Don’t look like much. Got a funny smell, and dinky little white flowers -- not much to look at. Professor Sprout said you’d like it.
She called it “Nepeta Cataria”. Funny name. Sounds like Pet Cat, doesn’t it?
[He notices the intoxicated McGONAGAL scampering around, batting at it, smiling and purring. He and TREWLANEY exchange horrified looks.]

TREWLANEY - Hagrid! That is CATNIP!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HOUSE ELVES (ENTER singing) Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s off to work we go. La la la la la, la la la la.. . . .

HAGRID - Why it’s the House Elf staff! How are you little guys!

KITCHEN HOUSE ELVES – Eager to get to work, Mr. Hagrid!

APPLE - And looking forward to finishing our wall tapestry, thanks to you!

HAGRID - Thanks to me?

BUFFIN – It’s woven out of beard hair!

CARROT – Mostly yours!

EGGBERT – And if there’s any left!

FLINKER – We’ll make napkins!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

LUNA LOVEGOOD - Ostracized as usual, but I amused myself with imaginary conversation. It’s been a pleasure chatting with all of you. We’ll all have to get together for a game of Hungry Hungry Hinkypunks sometime. [EXITS]

HAGRID (Looks around. No one else is there.) All? Uh yeah. ‘Bye.

(MALFOY ENTERS from lake side, passes HAGRID.)
Ecstatic Theatrics, Fort Wayne, IN

HAGRID Oh hey, uh… Draco.

MALFOY (insolently) Yeah, what?

HAGRID Just uh, wanted to say, uh, Draco, that… that I’s glad to see you coming back to Hogwarts.

MALFOY And why wouldn’t I? I have every right to be here!

HAGRID Of course you have. Of course. I’s just thinking that it’s hard on a boy, not having his dad at home …. Mother’s are fine, of course, wonderful things they are, but there’s nothing like a dad…

MALFOY My father is locked up in Azkaban!
Framed by that deranged, senile old fool Dumbledore and his piddling lap dog Harry Potter!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HAGRID (pointing umbrella)
Patroneyus Baloneyus!

(THE 3 KIDS and HAGRID huddle, turning, knees buckle, arched back,
DEMENTORS swoop closer, closer.)

COLIN (ENTERS wandering in from Lake)
– Wow! What a great shot! (Flash!)

(DEMENTORS screech and EXIT.)

COLIN - That’s my best picture ever! Oh! Hagrid! One of the boats is sinking!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

Scene 3 - First Day of School
Setting: Hallway in the School
[CENTER floor is a basket of candy or toys. Peeves is a voice or in person.
A BIG Brick [painted cardboard box] on a fishing line hangs from ceiling.]

RITA SKEETER (speaking into her feather as she writes on scroll) - Greetings! Daily Prophet reporter, Rita Skeeter, here, on location at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, hot on the trail of the infamous Harry Potter who claims to be a student here.
It is just the first day of school and already disturbing scenarios are unfolding. Observe if you will, the enormous brick hovering high above a tempting basket of goodies. I could call security. . . but that’s not my job.

PEEVES - Come here little piggy, come here little fool,
Come get your sweets on the first day of school.
(CRASH! A giant “brick” falls from ceiling!)
Works perfectly! Hee-hee-hee! Now to get set for the first student.
("Brick" rises (on fish line) all the way up.)

RITA SKEETER - Two suspicious characters approach! The giant brick of doom rises again!

(WINKY and DOBBY ENTER running, looking up.)
DOBBY - Mister Peeves! What mischief is you up to now?

[CRASH! The brick falls almost hitting the Elves!]


RITA SKEETER - What a catastrophe! -- oh... No one is hurt. [hopeful] Oooh! It’s rising again!

WINKY - Peeves! You almost killed me! You bloody, blister-faced, pox infested-- (Dobby interrupts) -- pitiful excuse for a poltergeist!

DOBBY - Shhhh! Winky. There is children around.

WINKY (sarcastic) Oh, yes, Dobby, protect the chilllldrenn. (mutters to herself) ...The precious children....

PEEVES' VOICE - (singing) Protect the wee children the sweet girlsies and boys,
Diaper their bottoms and clean up their toys.

WINKY (screaming ) I'm not diapering any bottoms! (Zapping with her fingers) Spritzer-Ditzer! Zap!

PEEVES' VOICE - Aaaaack! (brick falls)

DOBBY - Look out! (shocked) Winky! You did some powerful magic!

PEEVES' VOICE Oh, twisted, vicious little house elf! You has messed with my miasma.
(choking and retching)
I cannot escape! I'm suffocating......

DOBBY What did you do to him?

WINKY - I turned him into a spritz of room de-odorizer.

DOBBY - [sniff] - Lavender?

PEEVES' VOICE - Lavender!!!! It stinks! Just kill me now! (screeaming.....)

DOBBY & WINKY - (hollering) You're already dead!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DOBBY - Dobby and Winky want to thank Harry Potter for the wonderful vacation he gave us.

HARRY - Vacation?

DOBBY - ( fondly remembering) At the Burrow! Scrubbing the mildewed bathroom walls, .... Scraping spoiled leftovers out of the refrigerator....

WINKY - Rick's bedroom was the best! His sheets were brown with filth!

RON - Uh, yeah, Rick.. Rick is such a slob.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON - I was hungry...

HERMIONE - And you nearly cleaned out the snack cart on the train yesterday.

RON - Yeah, that new flavor in Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans is really good. Wish they'd put more than one in each box.

HERMIONE - You bought 15 boxes to get one Rico's Nachos flavored jelly bean in each???

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - I've got (reads class schedule)
Advanced Herbology,
-plus a 2 hour Lab on Thursdays,
-and a weekend internship
History of Forbidden Magic
Care of Magical Creatures
Ancient Runes
Advanced Spell Creation

RON - So all we have together is Care of Magical Creatures?

HERMIONE - I'm not finished! I also have (reads list)
Necromancy in The Netherlands
Magical Water Creatures
Game Show Opportunities
and Muggle Manipulation - I'm hoping that will help me get my parents to buy me a car.

HARRY - (suspicious) Hermione, are you doing the time turner thing again?

HERMIONE - Yes! Shhhh! (pulls out the time turner on her necklace under her shirt) It's secret!

RON - You're going to wear yourself out again.

HERMIONE - No I won't. But thanks for caring.

RON - (whining) And not be able to help us with our homework.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - [looking at the Lost Dog flyer] An 800 pound three-headed dog?

HAGRID - Poor Fluffy. When I saw that gaping hole he chewed through the spiked log fence, I just kicked myself for running out of dead oxen to feed him. I'm sure he just got hungry.

RON - I can understand that.

HERMIONE - That Hagrid blames himself?

RON - No, getting hungry.

HARRY - It says he needs medication?

HAGRID - Rabies vaccination. Veterinarian didn't finish the job when I brought him out.

RON - Rabies??? Hagrid? Did you draw this? Are those.... Bambi eyes????

HAGRID - (snatching it back) You draw something better, why don'tcha, Leonardo da Vinci-Code!!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

CRABBE – All Gryffindors are cowards.

PANSY - We just fought off two dementors.

HARRY [scared] - Dementors?

MALFOY [advancing on Harry, backing him up] – Afraid of the scary dementors, Potter?

HARRY – (squeaking in fright) No!
Hudson Community Education Class, River Falls, Wisc.-Hudson Star Observer

MALFOY - ( turning to Ron) Or the hairy, scary coming-for you -spiders!

RON - (ready to fight, turns toward Malfoy, with his back to Crabbe) It's your dragon dung breath everyone fears Malfoy.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

GINNY (in Love) – How are you, Harry?

HARRY - Um. . there might be trouble in a moment. You’d better get out of here.

GINNY (EXITS crying) He hates me!

HAGRID (ENTERS)- Hey Harry, Hermione, either of you got any Scotch tape? Ain't no magic that sticks stuff up like Scotch tape. Oh, hi there, Draco.
(HERMIONE looks in her bag)

MALFOY - (sullenly) Yeah, what?

HAGRID - I'll uh be making Amish friendship bread Thursday evening, iffen anyone's interested....

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - Ron, hold my purse!

[HERMIONE tosses her purse to RON who jumps back terrified to touch it. It falls - SPLAT!].

DOBBY & WINKY (startled at the splat!)
Eeeek! (run around screaming)
What can we do????
(Grab Hermione and Harry)

RON Blimey! Those two are basket cases!
I hope they can recover in time to make lunch.

DOBBY & WINKY Lunch? Lunch!!!!

RON The menu said Goat Cheese Risotto. Yum.

DOBBY & WINKY (running around screaming)
Goat Cheese Rissotto! (EXIT crying)

HERMIONE (furious) Ron you are the most inconsiderate twit on the planet! They were in tears and all you care about is your stomach!

RON (whining) I'm a growing boy!

HARRY (perky) Hey! Hey! Hey! First day of school! We'd better be getting to class.

HERMIONE Yes. You are right. Oh, I'm so upset I've forgotten my schedule.
(pulls it out, reads)
Let's see:
Elementary Magic Teaching Methods
Muggle Telephone Numerology
Magnets and Other Muggle Magic

HARRY What? That's not the schedule you read before.

HERMIONE Of course it is. Look.

HARRY And you had 10 classes not 5. You were going to use your time turner.

RON Time turner? You've got a time turner?
(accusing) Those are illegal!
(pleading) Can I borrow it? Please?????

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

Camp Curtain Call - Charleston, WV Gazette-Mail

HARRY I never took Magical Law & Regulation! When did that become a class?

HERMIONE Good grief! Did you look at television all summer and forget everything?

HARRY - Look at television????

RON You've got a television? Lucky!
Mom won't let Dad get one. Says he'll blow up the house.


RON Aaack! The late bell! I've got to get to Beginning Voodoo!

HARRY You have Herbology with me first period!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

(BISTRO ELVES ENTER and put tablecloth and flower vase on table.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY (surprised that she is no longer shy ) – Hello, Ginny. Between classes?

GINNY – Yep! When’s your next class?

HARRY – Who knows? (looks at schedule) Now it says “Conversational Tree”, at 11:30.

GINNY – Well, it’s just now 10:55 so you have 35 minutes to relax. Let me buy you an Ivy-mint Latte in the Aviary Bistro. (crosses stage w/ Harry)


HARRY - A what in the where? (looking up at birds)

GINNY (snaps fingers and BISTRO ELVES run up)
Two Ivy Mint Lattes, extra sprinkles, please.

ELVES - Two Dumbledores, Extra dandruff! Yes, Ma’am!
(HOUSE ELVES EXIT and immediately ENTER with 2 cups of foam, hands them to her, she thanks, and gives a few coins, while continuing lines. )

GINNY – You look worn out, Harry. Something wrong?

HARRY – I keep finding myself in the wrong class with the wrong book, and once I was missing my pants and in two classes my name was spelled H-A-I-R-Y.

GINNY – It’s not? (slurp) Do you like your drink?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY – Ginny, I just have to ask. . . when did you . .

GINNY – Stop being drooling fool shy around you? Middle of 1st period when Seamus and I exchanged flirty notes, but he wasn’t ready to commit,
and then Roland gave me the eye before 2nd period, but Trevor won my heart with this beautiful Promise Me ring - Isn’t it smashing?
We broke up but I’m keeping it because he and Melody were picking baby names. Can you imagine!
I should move it to another finger to show I’m back on the market!
(Starts removing finger with her teeth.)


HARRY – Wow. You’ve been busy I spent half MY morning hiding under a sink in the mop closet because that Skeeter woman was following me. Now I’ve got a crick in my back.


KREACHER (ENTERS tumbling in) - Master has called “Kreacher back!” and Kreacher has come.

HARRY – Kreacher! I didn’t call you! I said “crick in my back”!

KREACHER - Master says Master did not call Kreacher.
Kreacher will stuff hot potatoes in his ears to stop him from hearing Master when Master does not call.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

KREACHER - I open my ears to serve the Master.

RON (ENTERING) - Harry! Why is Kreacher working in the Bistro?

HARRY – He’s not!

KREACHER - Master says that Kreacher is snot.

HARRY (covering face with hands) - Ohhhh...

RON - Can he conjure food? Like a big chocolate cake?

GINNY - Ron! Shut up! Harry, ask him --Who is The Master?

HARRY – How’d you know about that?

GINNY - Who doesn’t?

HARRY – … Kreacher? Who is THE Master.

KREACHER - Harry Potter is the Master, now that Kreacher’s previous Master died.

HARRY – (Sad) Ohhh…

KREACHER - The worthless Muggle lover Sirius Black, the cursed child who broke his mother’s heart and polluted a long lineage of dark wizards.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

(HARRY sighs. Looks at his schedule)

HARRY - Now my schedule says Beginning Goblin Dance. With Partners. Ugghh!


SKEETER - It’s like feeding time in the monkey cage, except there are no bars on the cages and the monkeys run the zoo . . . (EXITS)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -


- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DEMENTOR [following LUNA]- Sluuurrrppp....

RON - Luna! Look behind you!

LUNA -- Oh, hello Ron and Harry. Did I drop my hanky?

HARRY There’s a Urgghhh Dementor orkkkhh following you aaagh... [crumbling to a lump with a pathetic wand arm up and waving around.]

LUNA - Oh, THAT’S the chilly breeze.
(cheerfully to DEMENTOR) Happy thoughts. . . Happy thoughts! That’s all I ever have.

DEMENTOR Arrrgh (a cry of pain, clutching face, EXITS)

HARRY [hunkered down, trembling, waving wand with eyes closed] - Expecto Patronuglurkhjjhish

RON - Harry, you can come out now.

LUNA - Oooh, you look just like a nesting Snarkrapple.
Daddy and I lived among a colony for 6 weeks to observe them in their natural habitat. Daddy’s doing a nature piece for the Quibbler.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON - Let me carry those books for you Hermione.
(she smiles knowing he will ask for a favor)

HARRY - What about your books, Ron?
RON - Yeah, would you get those, Harry?

(HARRY rolls eyes and lifts Ron’s books also)

HARRY Let’s get moving, OK? These are heavy. Hey? Where is the portrait of the Fat Lady?

HERMIONE - Harry! That’s rude. Have you forgotten the Gryffindor curtain password?
Whomping Wombat! (clap!)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY Hey, what happened to the Common Room? Where are the leather couches?
(Mentions other silly things there) My Little Pony? The PowerPuff Girls???

RON - Hey, Hermione, I’ve got some ideas for that entrails diorama we have to make.

HERMIONE - In our Omens & Portents class?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY I don’t have Fairy Literature! I’m on the Auror track. Aurors don’t take sissy classes like Fairy... wait...
(He suddenly looks shocked and dizzy. He tosses books aside until he finds:)
“Fairy Literature - Muggle Fascination and Distortion”. I did have a Fairy Literature class. I’m losing my mind.
(He sits holding his head upset.)


DEMENTOR - Slurrrpppppp....

HARRY [curling up]- Gurgggleesssh

[RON & HERMIONE glance at each other, give Harry a moment to do it himself, then go to either side.]

RON - Expecto Patronum, Endless pancakes....

HERMIONE - Expecto Patronum, 24 hour Library..

DEMENTOR - Arkkkkrrrschhh [EXITS)

RON - It’s OK, Harry. You’re not losing your mind. You just need dinner. That lousy lunch was worse than nothing.

HERMIONE - Yes, whatever upset the house elves this morning was obviously more than they could handle.

RON - Oh, my gosh, you’re right. What if they can’t make a proper dinner?

(LUNA ENTERS with a brown bag lunch)

LUNA - “Proper dinner”, is of course, a matter of definition. Evidently, we are brown-bagging it this evening.
Looks like some kind of wilted algae sandwich on a toasted fiber mat, oozing (sniff sniff) weasel gland mustard, a baked rotten banana tied with a bow-- very festive. And a zip-loc baggie of some kind of curdled mammal milk…

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - Something has devastated the house elves.

RON - We have got to go help them!

HERMIONE - I agree. The homework can wait.
I’m going to go grab my SPEW socks.

RON - Socks to barf into? Bring me one.

HERMIONE - No, Ron! S.P.E.W. is my acronym for the (acts out spelling like a cheerleader) Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare! (EXITS)

RON - Oh, yeah. How could I forget?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY You’ve never read any science fiction have you?

RON - ALL science is fiction, everyone knows that!

HARRY Ron have you ever heard of the moon landing or electricity?

RON - Yeah, ha ha, my dad believes all that stuff. There’s this Muggle named Art Bell, he’s the Muggle Czar of Science or something. Dad is his “#1 fan”.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY - Don’t you remember! Down the Slytherin staircase, turn right at the statue of Gooble the Drooler Goblin Queen, then twist the 3rd candlestick .... [dizzy spell] What was I saying?

RON - Some nonsense about science fiction.

HERMIONE - Ask Fred & George!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - Well, the kitchen is off limits so we can’t ask a teacher. Except Hagrid! He’s probably in his hut down the hill. (Start to leave.)

HARRY Hagrid’s hut is UP the hill!

RON - First and second year it was.

HARRY No! I’m wrong! Second year it was on the flat. Remember when your dad’s car dumped us?

RON (scared) - Oh, yeah. After the spiders.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HAGRID (ENTERING banging pot with a big bone or wooden spoon)- Fluffy! Fluffy! (ad lib to audience)
Come and get the tasty moose bone. Come to Mommy, Fluffy Dear. Fluffy. Fluffy.....(EXITS)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - The castle is so big. Who can tell us where the kitchen is?

HARRY Yeah, who’s allowed to go wherever they like?

SNAPE (ENTERING) Certainly not you, Potter.

HARRY Hello, Professor Snape.

SNAPE And what might Potter and his misfit gang be doing out of bed at this hour?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - Um, Professor, the boys were just going to wait for me while I powdered my nose in the restroom.
(She zips off -EXITS- before he can stop her. Uncomfortable silence as SNAPE walks around eyeing HARRY & RON.)

RON - Uh, Professor Snape. Do you know what happened to lunch and dinner?

SNAPE I hadn’t noticed. The teachers sent out for pizza. Triple cheese, pepperoni, sausage, mushroom,
(RON starts to drool.)
olives - green and black, peppers - green and red, pineapple and artichoke hearts, thick with tomato sauce, garlic and onions, sprinkled with a layer of Parmesan so thick you could write your name in it.

RON - (pain) Ohhhhhhh...

SNAPE And Professor Slughorn provided a triple layer choc-o-late cake.

RON (clutching stomach) - I’m dying.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -
New Dawn Theatre in Duluth, Georgia

SNAPE Then I cannot very well answer the question. But the Master of sneaking around, the Master of telling any lie to get what he wants, the Master of charming old fools with his baby-eyed round glasses and iconic lightning bolt scar, the Master of playing a character half his age and twice his IQ, .. That would have to be you, Harry James Potter.

HERMIONE - I’m back. Thanks for waiting.

(MOANING MYRTLE smoothly ENTERS with HERMIONE, sidling around SNAPE and blowing cold on him.
He cannot see her but the kids can.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

(HE notices that he is very cold. Pulls his robes around him.)
What your mother Lily saw in him is beyond logic. Such a promising witch. She could have been great if she hadn’t wasted her (shivering)
What are you doing, Potter?
empty hands innocently.)

What dark spell are you casting?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON I didn’t know you could leave your restroom.

MYRTLE Oh, that’s just my home base.

HERMIONE I, uh... invited Myrtle to join us, because...

MYRTLE I know all the plumbing.

HARRY The kitchen! Can you tell us where it is?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

SKEETER - This is a Daily Prophet Breaking News Exclusive -- Rita Skeeter reporting.
I have witnessed Harry Potter and a cloudy character named Mona Myrple leading Potter’s mutant army in a 2nd wave attack on the already exhausted and battered Kitchen House Elves.
Earlier, these valiant Elves battled to reclaim the Hogwarts Pantry from the mutant monster unleashed by the gibbering giant Hagriff.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -


- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON Wow this place is like, Middle Earth.

DOBBY Harry Potter! (skips over) and Ron and Hermione! (to the other elves) They is kind to house elves!

ELVES (moving closer, smiling) Harry Potter?

MYRTLE (ENTERING swooping across) Boo!

ELVES (fleeing, cowering) Ghost! Ghost!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

BUFFIN She’s been hitting the butterbeer again!

WINKY - I have not! What I have been hitting is a certain GIANT TOOTHY 3-HEADED LOST PET! Look!
(SHE holds up Hagrid’s Lost Pet poster of a 3-headed dog. WINKY rudely thrusts the poster into Harry’s hands and stomps away.)

CARROT Miss Winky has a point. We had to kill this beast to defend the Hogwarts pantry!

WINKY Pantry Squad! Stand and deliver!
(THE PANTRY SQUAD (not DOBBY) run forward holding up fists or kitchen weapons: mops, choppers, spatulas, big forks and do a choreographed march.)

We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!
(each shouts his name and raises “weapon”:)
Scrubber! Windex! Pre-Soak! Clod!
Fighting Evil, Great and Odd!
We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!
(Charlie’s Angels pose.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON - What happened to dessert? Ritz Cracker Mock Apple Pie??? Is it the Apocalypse?

ELVES (shoving a struggling Eggbert forward) Eggbert’s recipe!

EGGBERT - All that beast left was expired crackers! I’m the Dessert Chef! What was I supposed to do??? (bursts into tears) The recipe is on the box.

MYRTLE (swoops at him) I haven’t had dessert for 45 years!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DOBBY Dobby will help Harry Potter any way he can!

HARRY Dobby, I can’t tell if I am losing my mind, or if something is messed up at Hogwarts. For instance, our class schedules keep changing...

----(SWITCH SPOTLIGHT to Hermione)---

HERMIONE - (reading) You work like slaves for Wizards who don’t appreciate you, or pay you. You could get better treatment if all the elves organized.

ELVES Organize? Organize what?
1 - APPLE The spice rack?
2 - BUFFIN The tapestries?
3 - CARROT - The perfumed soaps?
4 - EGGBERT - The napkin rings?
5 - FLINKER - The spatulas?
6 - SCRUBBER - The pulleys and ropes?
ELVES - Organize??? (FREEZE.)

----(SWITCH SPOTLIGHT to Harry)---

HARRY And the common room has silly quilts and Hagrid’s Hut keeps moving up and down the hill and now it is inside the hill --

DOBBY Harry Potter! Forget those old memories. Forget them and then you will be happy.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY The past is being erased! How? Who?

DOBBY (screams running around hitting head) Dobby must not tell! Must not tell!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE - So if you formed a UNION, you could work together to demand good pay! And vacations!
(holds out socks) And be free elves! . . . .
(They look at her shocked) Like Dobby!

DOBBY (banging head, wailing) Must not tell! Must not tell!

(The HOUSE ELVES’ shock is turning to anger.)

APPLE Miss Hermione. Us House Elves ARE free! Free to serve our Masters!

BUFFIN Until we die!

ELVES (fists up) Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

(RON throws his arm around Hermione’s shoulders and swings her to face audience.)
RON (intensely) - Hermione, you are toying with a thousand years of selective breeding.
(Swings her back to face ELVES.)
Ha ha! Isn’t she funny?

ELVES (angry) Funny? Funny?

RON (grabs a sock from her and puts it on his hand)- Sock puppets! You sew on buttons for eyes …

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

WINKY (chasing Myrtle with a sock puppet) - My name is Creepy the Tube Sock! Come and play with us, Myrtle!
Ecstatic Theatrics, Fort Wayne, IN

MYRTLE - Ewww! Get away from me!

ALL THE SOCK PUPPETS (creepy voices) - Myrtle! Come play with us. Come play with us! (Chase her around the audience.)

MYRTLE - Go away! Leave me alone! Go away!
(She EXITS.)

RON - Wow! Sock puppets rock!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

It’s the Time Clock Life
A joyful parody to the tune of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” from “Annie”
(Assign solo parts.)

It's the time-clock life for us!
It's the Hogwarts life for us!

'Steada wishes,

We do wash!

Scraping dishes!

Cooking nosh!

It's the time-clock life!

Got no folks of which to sing,

It's the Hogwarts hash we sling!

Changing blankets,

Scrub that stain!

Fill their bellies

Do it again!

It's the time-clock life!

Don’t it seem like the werewolves always howl'n?

Scoop their poops before the morning light

Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towels in?

And scrub ‘em till they’re clean and bright?
Hudson Community Education Class, River Falls, Wisc.-Hudson Star Observer

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

APPLE Have no fear Mr. Ron! All this morning’s problems are solved.

BUFFIN The Hogwart’s kitchen has plenty of food now!

CARROT Would Harry and his friends like to take some fresh baked meat pies with them?

RON (overjoyed) - Oh! Well! If it’s no trouble...

SCOOTER, RAISIN, DAFFODIL - We’ll go get some! (EXIT)

RON - Oh, Joy! They make the best meat pies.

HERMIONE (motioning them downstage) - I think we have a problem. How will we pull out our wands if we are each carrying a pie in both hands?

RON - Well, don’t even THINK about dropping one!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE (turning on him in a fury) Harry! You’re the star! Let Ron and me have a moment!!!
(turns back to Ron)
No, Ron! You inhale! Not exhale!
Avada Kedavra snort !
(ALL ELVES drop dead.)
See? Practice makes perfect!

RON - Hey, where’s our pies?
(THEY turn to see a pile of dead ELVES.)

RON & HERMIONE Gasp! We killed them!

HARRY - I tried to tell you!


RON - Don’t drop the pies!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -


RITA [in front] - Stay tuned for updates on Harry Potter’s Army of Evil Sock Puppets.
This is Rita Skeeter, heading off to the Hogwarts cafeteria for a delicious dinner! [EXIT]

- Library - Middle of School Day

(Begins in front of CLOSED CURTAIN -while set is being changed if needed.)

(RON, HERMIONE AND HARRY ENTER RUNNING, perhaps through the audience.)
Hudson Community Education Class, River Falls, Wisc.-Hudson Star Observer

RON Oh no! Oh no! 2nd day of school and already I’m in loads of trouble!

HERMIONE What did you put in that potion, Ron?

RON I just followed the recipe: two diced frog tongues, Gilly weed juice, a used goblin Kleenex, and the contents of 9 Mandrake pimples – I popped them right over my cauldron!

HERMIONE Wait a minute, Ron! Is that the order you put them in?

RON Yes!

HERMIONE No, Ron! You were supposed to put the goblin Kleenex in AFTER popping the Mandrake pimples.

RON Does it make a difference?

HERMIONE Of course it does. I'll show you --(joyful) At the Library!

RON & HARRY Not the library! (following her onstage, they will stand near Snape's Entrance.)

HERMIONE There it is! The Joy of Potions reference book. (hugs it, then flips through it) Where did I read that?....

HARRY (ha ha) That was so funny. Did you see the look on Snape’s face when you splashed him?

RON I didn’t mean to! I have to put my cauldron on the edge of the table because you always jab me with your elbows when you work – I hate having you for a lab partner!

HARRY My sleeves are too long! I have to shake them up my arms! -- (he suddenly looks perplexed) Did you hear that?

RON Hear what? About your stupid sleeves? I don’t care! I’m in big trouble here. When Snape comes back all stinky....

HERMIONE (slamming book closed) No Ron.
(walks toward them) That wasn’t a “stinking” potion you spilled on Snape. It was a gender change (or “Shrinking” ‘ or “Dancing” ) ... potion.

SNAPE ( ENTERS and flings open robe to show female body and clothing or whatever the spell did to him) Weasley!!!

SNAPE (with wand out) You will die Weasley. That is not a threat, because everyone will die.

DEMENTOR (ENTERS behind SNAPE) Schluurp!

SNAPE But I will be in attendance at your death. --
(turns angrily to face DEMENTOR)
Oh, Girl! Do not even try me now!
(DEMENTOR dejectedly EXITS)
(back to Ron:) -- And my face will be the last thing –you see before

HARRY Do you hear that?!

(HARRY looking all over, steps down stage causing RON, who was leaning against Harry, to fall -Splat! RON crawls away to hide under the Joy of Potions book table.)

RON (crawling under table) Of course I hear it! Snape’s gonna kill me. Rub it in why don’t you!

HARRY (reaching downstage other side) No that voice. It’s telling everything right as it happens.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

SNAPE & HARRY Silence Potter!

HARRY I knew you were going to say that.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

SNAPE I’m always thinking Avada You Know What! It’s only illegal to do it -- not to think it! --

HARRY & SNAPE (inhale to yell) -- Potter you insufferable twit just like your father!

SNAPE (grabbing his head) Aaaah! (to Ron) Don’t think Potter’s little ploy will save you from my revenge, Weasley! (EXITS)

HERMIONE Harry, that was brilliant!

RON Yeah, you got him more mad at you than me. Thanks, Pal!

HARRY No! I did hear a voice telling me everything as it happens.


RON Really?

HARRY Really!

HERMIONE Well, that’s not very useful, is it Harry? Predicting the future a half second before it happens?

HARRY (not looking) Here’s Hagrid.

HAGRID (ENTERING) Who’s that foul mouthed little girl I seen running past? I didn’t even recognize her but she called me some nasty names, she did. Hurt my feelings a little.

HERMIONE That was Professor Snape, Hagrid. Ron accidentally spilled a gender change (or "shrinking" or “dancing”) charm on him.

HAGRID - Blimey!

HERMIONE - Not an improvement.

HARRY & HAGRID Oh, they can fix him up at the infirmary. Ha ha! We said it at the same

HARRY -- time.

HARRY & HAGRID Madame Pomfrey will just use the old –

HARRY -- essence of bullfrog croak.

HAGRID That’s a good trick, Harry.
HARRY & HAGRID How’d you do it?

HARRY I’m hearing a voice that tells what is happening right when it does.

HARRY & HAGRID Rather obnoxious it is.

HARRY And now you are wishing you could pick me up and shake me.

HARRY & HAGRID No I wasn’t.

HAGRID Shut up!!

HARRY I already did! After hearing that last thought.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HAGRID (with a glare at Harry) Well, I’ll just be moving on, gotta lot of work to do. (Starts to EXIT)
An’ don’t you tell ‘em where I’m going! (EXITS)

RON (watches Hagrid until he leaves) Where’s he going?

HARRY The loo.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -


HERMIONE Out to Lunch? Can you believe Dumbledore is out to lunch when we need him?

HARRY Why is Dumbledore never around when we discover something awful is about to happen?

RON Duh, Harry, he eats lunch with us in the Great Hall. We can talk to him there. Hmmm.. I hope they have chocolate milk today.

HERMIONE Chocolate milk? CHOCOLATE MILK??? How can you think of chocolate milk at a time like this?

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

RON No... I don't see him. Maybe he's not here yet. But hey, I’m feeling a big peckish. (goes to select food on table) I think I’ll get a grilled cheese and a kidney pudding pop. How about you, Harry?

HARRY (amazed) What happened to the Great Hall? It’s turned into a Muggle cafeteria.

RON What are you talking about? The Great Hall has always been the cafeteria. That's why it's called The Great Hall Cafeteria.

HERMIONE In A History of Hogwarts it tells how the first cafeteria was in the old torture tower, and now that tower is the pigeon rookery

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

TREWLANEY -A niffler baloney on rye and a 7-up.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that! 11 sickles, 2 knuts.
(TREWLANEY pays with bills)

MALFOY – That’s not a 10 that’s a 1.

TREWLANEY -Oh, I’m sorry. Here are 9 more. I guess I need a new prescription for my glasses.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

MALFOY (singing as he sniffs money) We’re in the money, The skies are sunny...

LITTLE HERMIONE A treacle burrito and a Sunny Delite.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that! 3 sickles 4 knuts.

(She pays. MALFOY dangles the food making her jump to grab it. SHE sits at table.)

McGONAGAL – Good afternoon, Draco. I would like a fresh garden salad with tomatoes, watercress and scallions.

MALFOY – Professor McGonagal. Wouldn’t you rather have THIS? (can of cat food)

MCGONAGAL (gasp of deliciousness) Generic Fancy Feast! Malfoy! This is an insult! You apologize to me immediately!

MALFOY - Mmmm. Chicken and Beef byproducts?

MCGONAGAL - Disgusting!

MALFOY - Modified Guar Gum.

MCGONAGAL - I ordered a salad!

MALFOY – Intestinal gelatinous chunks and caramel coloring.

MCGONAGAL - Meow! (yanks off her hat, revealing cat ears, grabs the can and claws and hisses at everyone)

MALFOY – You’ll pay for that, Kitty kat! 25 sickles!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

[GINNY pays for food and MALFOY holds it over her head and she punches him. SHE sits at table.

COLIN flashes camera, blinding MALFOY and sits at table.)

RON We're almost at the front of the line. Harry, get out your meal ticket.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -


- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY But Dobby said--

FUTURE POTTER Dobby? Dobby???? Dobby's skull has lumps on top of lumps.
He's knocked himself silly 200 times too many.
Don't take career advice from Dobby!

HARRY Career advice?

FUTURE POTTER Yes. Career advice. Trust me! Don't mess with the Master!

HARRY Hmmm... But I want to find out what all these weird changes mean.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY There is a meal ticket in my pocket!!!

RON Of course! If you don’t have it, you go hungry. We have three new ghosts this year from lost meal tickets.

LUNA (reaching the front of the line)
Greetings and Salivations, Draco! I would like a Pixie Pizza Pocket, a blood pudding cup, and a 16 ounce Nettle Tea.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Weirdo. 4 sickles 5 knuts

LUNA I need a plastic spoon, please!

MALFOY snarl (lifts up cup of spoons, throws one at her)

LUNA - And a napkin!

MALFOY snarl (throws a small handful)

LUNA Thank you!
(LUNA bends down to pick them up. MALFOY holds cup of spoons and leans over and drops a few on her head.)

HERMIONE Get something to eat, Harry. You must have missed breakfast. Here.
(hands him items:) A turkey club and a Dr. Pepper – that’s what you usually eat.

(HERMIONE pushes HARRY up to front.)

RON Unless it’s mac and cheese Friday!

MALFOY (faces him and and screams:) You’ll pay for that, Potter!!!

(HARRY drops his food and whips out his wand.)

HARRY Expelliarmus!

(Malfoy is thrown back tossing the spoons up.)

LUNA It’s raining spoons! (SHE picks up spoons and will put them back and go sit at the table.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Weasley! 4 sickles and 1 knut! (RON pays with Harry's meal ticket.)
This is not your meal ticket. It’s Harry Potter’s.

(SNAPE, DEMENTOR, HAGRID ENTER and select food.)

RON And he said to give you a 20% tip!

MALFOY Okaaay. (a wink exchanged)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DEMENTOR (mad, throws food on floor) Grrr!
(sees kids at table. Happy! Skips after them.)

(EXIT running, chased by DEMENTOR)

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE - Table! (sit at it)

HAGRID (singing) Food, food, food, food. . . (Last in line, takes ALL the food left including on the floor, eating some of it.)

MALFOY You'll pay for that, Hagrid!
(HAGRID grabs and lifts him roughly by his collar. Effect: Malfoy hangs on to Hagrid's arm, lifting himself.)
(HAGRID drops him, takes food and Exits.)

HERMIONE (unwraps Harry’s sandwich and tries to hand feed him) Harry! You'll feel better after you EAT! Eat the nice sandwich. Open up... Here comes the Hogwarts choo-choo train.
(She flies the sandwich to his mouth.
He bites but does not chew, still confused.)

(DUMBLEDORE ENTERS in his long robe, dancing in a silly PotterPuppetPals fashion.)

HARRY (stands & stares at Dumbledore) CHOKE!

DUMBLEDORE (singing) Dumbledee, Dumbledoo, Dumbledoh, Dumble-dore!
Good day, Draco, I’ll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram’s bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Dumbledore! 7 sickles and 3 knuts!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

MALFOY No meal ticket – No meal!

(DUMBLEDORE tries to cast a spell on his hat by waving his wand and dancing, then shakes it as if expecting money to fall out. He searches his shoes. He hikes up his robe looking between his legs, jumping a turn and looking again, as if the money is always behind him. All during this conversation:)

RON (taking his first bite of sandwich) Bleagh! Harry’s right! Things have changed!

HERMIONE What! What’s changed?

RON This is surplus government cheese! Gross!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DUMBLEDORE Ah!...This calls for action! (waves his wand) Accio House Elves!
Ecstatic Theatrics, J.Jaquish-director

(DOBBY & WINKY come tumbling in the door as if yanked by the spell. They jump to their feet and dizzily try to salute, very happy to be there.)

DOBBY & WINKY Dobby and Winky at your service, Headmaster!

DUMBLEDORE Sober finally, I see, Winky.

WINKY Dobby hid me bottle, Headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE - I hate that – I mean good work, Dobby! Now, I have a little problem. I have misplaced my meal ticket and young Malfoy there will not let me have my lunch.

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

MUSIC FX: #5 TICKING- let it run
(Everyone looks around)

SNAPE (ENTERING with chocolate cake with dynamite stick candles and an alarm clock and lots of wires) - Yoo-hoo, Headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE Yoo-hoo, Professor Snape.

SNAPE I was just passing by the munitions depot (deepoh), and I remembered your birthday was this year so I baked you a cake.
(hands the cake to DUMBLEDORE)
I stirred in lots of Bacon Bits and Chocolate Ex-Lax, just the way you like it. Happy Death Day! -- I mean Birthday! (hunkers down expecting an explosion)

DUMBLEDORE Why thank you, Severus. See, Granger, this is how one shows cringing submission to authority!
(HERMIONE hurries over)

HERMIONE STOP! Professor Dumbledore. . . Forgive me, but . . what’s that tick-tacking sound?

DUMBLEDORE I’d say it’s a LIP SMACKING sound!!! Past the lips and past the gums --

HERMIONE (grabs his arms) NO! Don’t eat it!

DUMBLEDORE (yanking away from her) Leggo ya little Party pooper scooper! Get your own cake!

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HERMIONE I’m so sorry.
New Dawn Theater

DUMBLEDORE 20 points off Gryffindor!



HERMIONE But, it was a bomb!

DOBBY Young Malfoy! Let Headmaster have his lunch. Put it on his tab!

WINKY You are a bad house elf! Bad House Elf!

DOBBY & WINKY - For shaaaame! (do the finger shame gesture.)

MALFOY (stomping) I’m not a house elf. Not a house elf!!!! And it’s time for my free lunch.
My shift is over!!!
(EXITS with cash register and all cafeteria stuff.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY (jumping up) What just happened???

PROF. McGONAGAL or ANYONE (ENTERS) ATTENTION! ATTENTION! I have terrible news! Hagrid was just eaten by a giant skrewt!

(ALL react in horror.)

PROF. McGONAGAL And the skrewt exploded!

(ad lib: I hated those things. Good riddance!)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

DUMBLEDORE You are correct, Harry. Haggis pie with chocolate sauce, though delectable (smacks lips) is not a healthy choice. But you cannot blame Malfoy. He does not write the menu.

MALFOY Yeah! Shut up, Potter!
(EXITS with food. Don’t leave the food onstage.)

Attention! The funeral for Hufflepuff House will be Saturday morning at 10.

HARRY Hagrid! You’re alive! But what happened to Hufflepuff House???

HAGRID All killed in the pixie explosion. You were there, Harry. You got blamed at first. Don’t you remember? Oh... Gotta go attend to the dragon honor guard. (EXITS)

LITTLE HERMIONE (ENTERING with tickets) Ron! Harry! Look! Look! I got us tickets!

RON (coming over) For the Hufflepuff versus Slytherin Quidditch game Saturday?

LITTLE HERMIONE Yes! Front row seats!

RON (high five on his knees) You are the greatest Hermione! (steps back so Harry can approach her)

HARRY What!? That’s not Hermione! That’s a little girl!

LITTLE HERMIONE Don’t call me a little girl, Harry Potter! I’m smarter than YOU!
(She shoves him into Ron and they both fall.)

- - - - [Skipped lines] - - - -

HARRY No, I don’t feel well. Everything is changing and nothing makes sense. People are dying and coming back to life. I don’t understand.


DOBBY Excuse me, Headmaster. Dobby knows who is changing things.

DUMBLEDORE Who is it, Dobby?

DOBBY The Master.

HARRY (eagerly) Is Voldemort The Master?

DOBBY No! No! Far more powerful! I told you!
The Master can kill any of us INCLUDING

DUMBLEDORE Tell us, please, Dobby. Who is the Master?

DOBBY Dobby has figured it out, but Dobby must not tell! Must not tell! (starts beating himself)

WINKY (comes forward, sassy, shoves Dobby aside) Winky can tell. Winky knows because Dobby talks in his sleep. Us house elves throw buckets at Dobby to knock him unconscious so we can sleep. I can take you to the Master.

Such a waste. The whole town of Hogsmeade swallowed into the Earth.

RON Not Zonko's!

HARRY Hermione, come with us. Winky and Dobby are taking us to the Master who’s been changing everything.

HERMIONE To see who?

(HARRY guides them all to center stage.)
HARRY Just come. Hey! Everyone! Hold hands!

(EVERYONE holds hands)

ELVES - Oh boy! Let’s hold hands!

SNAPE How distasteful.

HAGRID - Well this is awkward.

HARRY - Winky: Now.

WINKY Evaporate!
(MUSIC: #9 “Evaporate” (0:09) )


VOICES APPARATING: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!


WINKY - Condensate!

[EVERYONE looks around in disgust.]

SNAPE - What a dump!

HAGRID - Is that...No, it can’t be -- The Master?

[- - - - The final scene involves every actor and has a twist ending surprise.
To see the rest of the script, contact Jeannette Jaquish at funantics.scripts@yahoo.com or 260 484-5946 or 260 750-9013.
or fill out the request form at http://theaterfunscripts.com/RequestPerusal.html ]--
- - - -]

MUSIC and attributions and warnings:

Dobby: “Won’t You Stay Home, Please, Harry?”
- to the tune of “Won’t You Come Home, Bill Bailey”, by Hughie Cannon 1922, in the public domain.

Hagrid: “First Years to the Boats”
- to the tune of “Song of the Volga Boatmen” folk tune in the public domain

“The Snackbar Song”
- a parody to the familiar drive-in movie tune,
lyrics by J. Jaquish

House Elves:
-- “16 Pounds” a parody to the tune of “16 Tons”, by Merle Travis - 1946, or George Davis - 1930’s, uncertain copyright.
Only perform with parody lyrics -- an exception to copyright law.

-- “It’s the Time Clock Life”,
to the tune of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” from “Annie”
Only perform with parody lyrics -- an exception to copyright law.

-- “Where’s the Beef?”
to the tune of theme from “The Addams Family”
Only perform with parody lyrics -- an exception to copyright law.


“Ain’t Hogwarts Fun?”
to the tune of “Ain’t We Got Fun?” music by Richard A. Whiting 1921 - public domain

* * *To see a PERUSAL SCRIPT, please contact Jeannette Jaquish
at (260) 484-5946, between 7am and 10pm, Eastern Standard Time, USA,
or fill out the form at http://theaterfunscripts.com/RequestPerusal.html.

It's easy and inexpensive to pay royalties on this script. Then you can perform it legally. Go to www.theaterfunscripts.com.

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