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COST: 1st performance: $30; additional performances: $10 each; or 1 year: $70.
MUSIC CD: $23 - Great licensed music -- NOT the movie soundtrack
TECH: Medium-simple. Ordinary furniture, simple lighting, easy to make props. Quick but simple set changes. Tech notes.
POSTER included, ready for you to fill in information.
LENGTH: 32 min./ 45 min./ 65 min. / 75 min. due to optional scenes and characters. You get all versions.
CAST: 9 to 26 actors
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Order Me!"We performed the show and it was a HIT! The kids had a ball and the audience roared!SUMMARY
The show was very easy to stage and Ms. Jaquish was very flexible in helping us fit the script to our children's theater's needs."
-- Neva Garrett, Holly Theatre in Dahlonega, Georgia - hollytheater.com
Harry is once again locked in his room where Dobby & an inebriated Winky come to save, not his life, but at least his career. At Hogwarts, things are weirder than ever: Snape is furious at Ron's splashed potion, Hagrid doesn't think Harry's "hearing voices" thing is funny, Dumbledore has lost his meal ticket, Luna dissects the brown bag lunch, Malfoy has a fancy-schmancy new "mission", Moaning Myrtle is giving of the plumbing, time is twisting, and the House Elves battle Peeves, a three-headed dog, and whisper about "The Master". Twist ending.
NOTE: I have not added in lines from many of the newly added characters like Kreacher, Crabbe, Dudley & Petunia Dursley. I will get to that soon.
Excerpts from Harry Potter and the Obnoxious VoiceA great school play or kids mystery theater script by J.R. Jaquish
based on the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling and the movies based on her books.
(c)2007-2012 Jeannette Jaquish
These excerpts are about 1/4 of the whole script.
Order the whole script for a ridiculously low royalty at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com
SCENE 1: HOUSE ELVES VISIT
(Harry Potterís bedroom. Bed, chairs, shoes on floor.)
UNCLE VERNON (voice offstage) Iíve had enough of your back talk, Boy!
(Big arms shove HARRY through the door and pull it shut.)
HARRY (trying to open locked door) Let me out! You let me out!
(Movement under bedspread and cloak draped on chair.)
What is it? Whoís there!
(Another stirring. HARRY is terrified. He runs to door.)
HARRY (beating on the door) Uncle Vernon, Iím sorry! Please let me out, pretty please. Pretty, pretty please!
(He turns, faces front. As the creatures rise, he squeals:)
(DOBBIE & WINKY throw off coverings. Winky is drunk, carries a bottle of butterbeer & wobbles around.)
DOBBIE (excited and lovingly) Harry Potter! It is your friends Winky and Dobbie. Harry Potter does not need to scream like a frightened little girl.
WINKY (imitating Harry) Eeeek! (twirls and flops down)
HARRY You startled me. Canít you knock?
DOBBIE Dobbie is sorry. Dobbie will pour red ants into his ears for punishment. But Dobbie has a message.
DOBBIE Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!
HARRY POTTER Oh, not this AGAIN!!! I've told you over and over, Dobbie. I must go back to Hogwarts! Learning magic is my life!
DOBBIE Learning magic??? No! No! Harry Potter must not make another movie!
DOBBIE Harry Potter is getting too old for his character. (squirms) He... He.... He...
WINKY (hollers) Looks ridiculous!
HARRY Dobbie! Dobbie! Tell me what's wrong!
DOBBIE Dobbie almost spoke ill of his master. (grabs a shoe from floor and hits self) Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!
WINKY (imitating ) Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!
(HARRY yanks shoe away from Dobbie. DOBBIE runs and grabs a chair or large object raises it to hit himself.)
DOBBIE Bigger punishment!
HARRY What? Who is this higher master?
WINKY Never washes it. Stinky! (falls back, snores)
HARRY She needs to lay off the butterbeer. Dobbie, it's OK. Calm down. Tell me, who is the higher master?
DOBBIE NO! Dobbie must not name the higher master! The higher master can kill any of us!
(Through the window or behind the bed, come Ron & Hermione in dirty jackets and bloody bandages.)
RON Psst! Harry! (They come downstage)
WINKY Eeeek! (falls off bed and runs to opposite side from them. As she runs her bottle splashes audience. DOBBIE hides behind Harry, peeking out.)
HARRY Ron! And Hermione! This is great! How did you get here? Did your dad magic another Muggle car?
RON No, Mum would never let him. Says itís too dangerous if Fred or George or I get ahold of it.
HARRY So how did you get here?
RON We hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!
HERMIONE (proudly) I wouldnít let him! Iím not getting expelled!
HARRY Wow! How did you get up to my window?
WINKY Iím off duty! Bandage your own bloody hands!
(HERMIONE runs back, feelings hurt)
DOBBIE (scampers to them) Friends of Harry Potter! Do not let him make another movie!
(RON & HERMIONE look at each other conspiratorially.)
RON Well that would make at least one of us the star.
HERMIONE (sternly) And the other the co-star.
RON There are rumors about who gets killed in Book 7... It could be anyone.... (they look at Harry)
HERMIONE Bleahh! Pages of you and Lavender snogging. Thatíll be a good time to visit the snack bar.
HARRY Stop arguing! Did you come to rescue me or not?
RON (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, Harry. Your situation looks really desperate. Two house elves to take care of you.
DOBBIE If Harry Potter promises not to make another movie...
HARRY I canít do that, Dobbie.
RON (goes to him) Hey Dobbie. My house is real messy. You could get in some good floor scrubbings.
DOBBIE (skips to him excited) Ooooh.. Scrubbing??
HERMIONE Oh, yeah! And the sink was full of dirty dishes when we left. Iíll bet they are still there!
WINKY (skips to her) Oooooh! Dirty dishes? With baked on crust?
WINKY & DOBBIE Baked on crust!!!
(DOBBIE & WINKY dance ring-around-the-rosie style.)
WINKY All right! I got nothing else to do.
DOBBIE Take our hands.
(They all hold hands.) Apparate!
BLACKOUT - FLASH!
ALL (EXIT) Aaaaahhh.......
( ACTORS remove jackets & bandages, put on robes)
OPTIONAL Scene 2
ARRIVING AT HOGWARTS -First Years to the Boats
(In front of closed curtain. HAGRID enters from side B, stands center facing side A.
The idea is that only the First Years cross the stage.
EXTRAS and imaginary kids enter and cross from side A to B. EXTRAS can ad lib greeting to Hagrid.
This scene is to make time for set change and Harry, Ron and Hermioneís costume change Ė they do not appear in this scene.)
HAGRID This way First Years.
(waves them to go from side A to B, passing him) You Biguns go that way to the carriages.
(points side A offstage)
(speaking to real and imaginary kids)
No, young lady, yer suppose to have left your luggage on the train. Jusí leave it there. Donít worry, youíll find it in yer room after the feast.
This way all First Years! Go on down to the dock and line up to board the boats.
Creavey Ė for the third time, You ainít no first year, and I donít feel like fishing you out of the drink again.
(calling offstage )
Hey, Longbottom! Is this your frog?
(pointing nearby, perhaps in audience)
Heís hoppin' around over here. Musta jumped outta your pocket, right over Ė
(reacts to imaginary frog getting stepped on) Ewww.... (calling) Never mind, Longbottom. It's not your frog. My mistake.
HAGRID Just uh, wanted to say, uh, Draco, thatÖ that Iís glad to see you coming back to Hogwarts.
MALFOY And why wouldnít I? Do you think we canít afford it?
HAGRID .... thereís nothing like a dadÖ
MALFOY My father is locked up in Azkaban! Framed by that deranged, senile old fool Dumbledore and his piddling lap dog Harry Potter!
HAGRID ...... I was in Azkaban myself for a short but horrible spell a few years ago, something to do with your dad, if I remember correctly, but I donít hold that against you, of course. And though I did have a dad, bless his soul, my mom was never around, she being a giant and not really the maternal sort.....
Stop! Thatís too many fer the capacity of that boat! Creavy!! That better not be you standing on the edge!
Scene 3 - First Day of School
Setting: Hallway in the School
(Any furniture should be against the hall walls.)
Scene opens with no one onstage. CENTER on the floor is a basket of candy or something enticing. Peeves voice is heard from above.)
PEEVES' VOICE - Come here little piggy, come here little fool, come get your sweets on the first day of school.
(Suddenly something big and dangerous
falls from the ceiling like a
box painted like a huge stone brick.)
Works perfectly! Hee-hee-hee! Now to get ready for the first student.
("Brick" or whatever rises (on fish line)
all the way up.)
(WINKY and DOBBIE ENTER running, looking up.)
DOBBIE - Mister Peeves! What mischief is you up to now?
(CRASH! Brick falls again,
narrowly missing house elves.)
PEEVES' VOICE - (singing) Protect the wee children the sweet girlsies and boys,
Diaper their bottoms and clean up their toys.
WINKY (screaming ) I'm not diapering any bottoms! (Zapping with her fingers) Spritzer-Ditzer! Zap!
PEEVES' VOICE - Aaaaack! (Big Brick falls.)
DOBBIE - (shocked) Winky! That is some powerful magic!
PEEVES' VOICE Oh, twisted, vicious little house elf! You has messed with my miasma.
(sounds of extreme disgust and nausea)
I cannot escape! I'm suffocating......
DOBBIE What did you do to him?
RON - Ron. The name is Ron.
HARRY & HERMIONE - Hello Dobbie, Hello Winky.
WINKY - (deliberately, sauntering) Hello, Rick.
(RON gives her a dirty look.)
DOBBIE - Dobbie and Winky want to thank Harry Potter for the wonderful vacation he gave us.
(Other students pass by,
reacting curiously to the conversation.)
HARRY - Vacation?
DOBBIE - ( fondly remembering) At the Burrow! Scrubbing the mildewed bathroom walls, .... Scraping spoiled leftovers out of the refrigerator....
WINKY - Rick's bedroom was the best! His sheets were brown with filth!
RON - Uh, yeah, Rick.. Rick is such a slob.
HERMIONE - And I never knew you had so many hands to eat with. You ate three platefuls at breakfast! How could you eat so much after pigging out at the Feast in the Great Hall last night?
RON - I was hungry...
HERMIONE - And you nearly cleaned out the snack cart on the train yesterday.
RON - Yeah, that new flavor in Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans is really good. Wish they'd put more than one in each box.
HERMIONE - You bought 15 boxes to get one Rico's Nachos flavored jelly bean in each???
RON - So all we have together is Care of Magical Creatures?
HERMIONE - I'm not finished! I also have (reads)
Necromancy in the Modern World
Magical Water Creatures
Numerology Applications and Game Show Opportunities
and Muggle Manipulation - I'm hoping that will help me get my parents to buy me a car.
HARRY - (suspicious) Hermione, are you doing the time turner thing again?
HERMIONE - Yes! Shhhh! (pulls out the time turner on her necklace under her shirt) It's secret!
RON - You're going to wear yourself out again.
HERMIONE - No I won't. But thanks for caring.
RON - (whining) And not be able to help us with our homework.
HAGRID - H'lo Harry.
HARRY - Did you lose... one of your.... pets?
HAGRID - Well, um, yeah, but please don't go telling that its me that put these up. I was sorta in violation of the leash law.
RON - (sarcastic) Hagrid in violation of Dangerous Magical Animal Regulations? Oh, that's a first.
HAGRID - No, just since yesterday morning. When I saw that gaping hole he chewed through the spiked log fence, I just kicked myself for running out of dead oxen to feed him. I'm sure he just got hungry.
RON - I can understand that.
HERMIONE - That Hagrid blames himself?
RON - No, getting hungry.
HARRY - And needs medication?
HAGRID - Rabies vaccination. Veterinarian didn't finish the job when I brought him out.
MALFOY - Oh, dear, is the brave Harry Potter and his army off to fight the dangerous first year students?
RON - (ready to fight) It's your dragon dung breath everyone fears Malfoy.
Maybe you'd like to take this outside?
MALFOY - I don't have time to swap childish insults. I have an important secret mission to prepare for. I'm off for training right now. (starts off)
HERMIONE - What just happened? What did Malfoy say to Hagrid?
HARRY And why would Hagrid care about anything Malfoy would say?
RON Probably insulted his friendship bread. That stuff gives me the willies. They let the batter spoil for WEEKS before they bake it.
(DOBBIE & WINKY are so out of breath and terrified .... that they can only squeak out a few words in between gasps for breath. .........
HARRY tries to calm them.
Hermione & Ron are behind them.)
WINKY Barely escaped!
DOBBIE Really Big!
WINKY runs around screaming
DOBBIE Big Mess!
WINKY Flour! Syrup! Eggs! Kippers!
RON Not the kippers!
RON Yeah, the menu said Goat Cheese Risotto.
DOBBIE & WINKY (running around screaming)
Goat Cheese Rissotto! (EXIT wailing)
HERMIONE Yes. You are right. Oh, I'm so upset I've forgotten my schedule.
(pulls it out, reads)
Elementary Magic Teaching Methods
Muggle Appreciation and Containment
Ancient Literary Magical References
HARRY What? That's not the schedule you read before.
HERMIONE I don't have a time turner!!!
HARRY You do! It's on your necklace.
HERMIONE That's not a time turner, you dope! (pulls out her necklace) That's my prefect badge.
(HARRY is shocked.)
RON (pouting) I'll never get one of those.
HERMIONE - Yes, whatever upset the house elves this morning was obviously more than they could handle.
RON - Oh, my gosh, youíre right. What if they canít make a proper dinner?
(ENTERING with a brown bag lunch)
LUNA - ďProper dinnerĒ, is of course, a matter of definition. Evidently, we are brown-bagging it this evening.
(looks in bag or pulls items out)
Looks like some kind of wilted greens sandwich on a toasted fiber mat, oozing (sniff sniff) weasel gland mustard, a baked rotten banana spiked with flag toothpicks (or tied with a bow) -- very festive. And a zip-loc baggie of some kind of curdled mammal milk. I guess you drink it by opening the corner a little.
The House Elves are handing these out in the Great Hall. Better get yours before they run out.
Oh. And packets of ketchup. (waves one)
I think I will have a picnic in the Owlery! (EXITS)
RON - Aaah! Aaah! Itís Armageddon!
HERMIONE - I agree. The homework can wait.
Iím going to go grab my SPEW socks.
RON - Socks to barf into? Bring me one.
HARRY (bravely) Professor Snape?
SNAPE What, Potter?
HARRY Do you know who The Master is?
SNAPE The Master of what?
HARRY Iím not sure.
SNAPE Then I cannot very well answer the question.
But the Master of sneaking around, the Master of telling any lie to get what he wants, the Master of charming old fools with his baby-eyed round glasses and iconic lightning bolt scar, the Master of playing a character half his age and twice his IQ, .. That would have to be you, Harry James Potter.
HERMIONE - Iím back. Thanks for waiting.
(MOANING MYRTLE smoothly ENTERS with Hermione, sidling over to SNAPE.
He can not see her but the kids can.
She will circle him, blowing cold on him.)
SNAPE (continuing) Just like your father, the insufferable James Potter. A swaggering, conceited delinquent if there ever was one. His mongrel band of pathetic little hoodlums followed him about like a pack of starving puppies begging for a morsel of attention.
(HE notices that he is very cold. Pulls his robes around him.)
What your mother Lily saw in him is beyond logic. Such a promising witch. She could have been great if she hadnít wasted her (shivering)
What are you doing, Potter?
(HARRY, RON & HERMIONE hold out
empty hands innocently.)
What dark spell are you casting?
(shivering so hard he can hardly speak;
if you can, drop snow flakes or fog on him.)
Everyone thinks youíre the boy who lived, but I think you were the baby who recognized your one competitor to absolute power, and struck first! This isnít the end of it, Potter! (EXITS quickly)
HERMIONE I, uh... invited Myrtle to join us, because...
MYRTLE I know all the plumbing!
HARRY The kitchen! Can you tell us where it is?
MYRTLE - (walking closely around them, smoothly, sensuously, sending shivers as she touches them) I can show you. I know you canít sliiiide down the pipes like I can -- thatís the fast way. But I can leeeeead you.
HARRY If you would be so kind...
MYRTLE (circling Harry)- Someday, Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived, you will die. Youíll need someplace to haunt. If you donít like my restroom, I might be able to relocate.
HARRY Iíll think about it... After you, Myrtle.
MYRTLE - Our expedition begins along the east auxiliary drainpipe which merges into the main before descending 15 degrees .....( she dives forward running, they follow arms up screaming like on a rollercoaster and EXIT)
RON Wow this place is like, Middle Earth.
DOBBIE Harry Potter! (skips over) and Ron and Hermione! (to the other elves) They is kind to house elves!
ELVES (fleeing, cowering) Ghost! Ghost!
HERMIONE Myrtle! Please donít scare them.
MYRTLE Hmmph! Donít scare them, Myrtle. (goes to sit on end of table, smoothing her hair .)
APPLE ELF Please Mr. Harry Potter. Excuse Miss Winky. She has very poor manners. For shame, Winky!
BUFFIN Sheís been hitting the butterbeer again!
WINKY (grabs paper off table and running back) I have not! What I have been hitting is a certain GIANT TOOTHY 3-HEADED LOST PET! Look!
(she holds up three of Hagridís Lost Pet posters glued side-by-side forming a 3-headed dog.)
CLERBY Miss Winky has a point. We had to fight this beast to defend the Hogwarts pantry!
WINKY Pantry Squad! Stand and deliver!
(THE PANTRY SQUAD (not DOBBIE) step forward holding up fists or kitchen weapons: mops, choppers, spatulas, big forks, forming a Charlieís Angels tableau. Then they choreograph march.)
We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!
(each shouts his name:)
Scrubber! Tiny! Pre-Soak! Clod!
Fighting Evil, Great and Odd!
We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!
(WINKY crumples up the poster and stomps on it. )
RON - So cool!
HERMIONE - And adorable.
MYRTLE (swooping past them) Wheeeeeee!
ELF SQUAD Eeeeek! (drop weapons, run away)
SCENE 4: THE OBNOXIOUS VOICE - Library
(Begins in front of CLOSED CURTAIN -while set is being changed.)
(RON, HERMIONE AND HARRY ENTER RUNNING, perhaps through the audience.)
RON Oh no! Oh no! Iím in loads of trouble!
HERMIONE What did you put in that potion, Ron?
RON I just followed the recipe: two diced frog tongues, Gilly weed juice, a used goblin Kleenex, the contents of 9 Mandrake pustules Ė I popped them right over my cauldron!
HERMIONE Wait a minute, Ron! Is that the order you put them in?
HARRY (ha ha) That was so funny. Did you see the look on Snapeís face when you splashed him?
RON I didnít mean to! I have to put my cauldron on the edge of the table because you always jab me with your elbows when you work Ė I hate having you for a lab partner!
HARRY My sleeves are too long! I have to shake them up my arms! -- (he suddenly looks perplexed) Did you hear that?
RON Hear what? About your stupid sleeves? I donít care! Iím in big trouble here. When Snape comes back all stinky....
HERMIONE (slamming book closed) No Ron.
(walks toward them) That wasnít a ďstinkingĒ potion you spilled on Snape. It was a ďshrinkingĒ ( or a "gender change") ... potion.
HARRY Do you hear that?!
(HARRY looking all over, steps down stage causing RON, who was leaning against Harry, to fall -Splat! RON crawls away to hide under the Joy of Potions book table.)
RON (falls, crawls under table) Of course I hear it! Snapeís gonna kill me. Rub it in why donít you!
HARRY (reaching downstage other side) No that voice. Itís telling everything right as it happens.
SNAPE Do you think Iím --
HARRY -- an idiot! I knew you were going to say that!
SNAPE & HARRY Silence Potter!
HARRY I knew you were going to say that.
(SNAPE struggles to not speak, staring him down.)
HARRY And now you are thinking a bunch of curse words and.... and... uh oh, Avada You Know What!
SNAPE Iím always thinking Avada You Know What! Itís only illegal to do it -- not to think it! --
HERMIONE Well, thatís not very useful, is it Harry? Predicting the future a half second before it happens?
HARRY Hereís Hagrid.
HAGRID (ENTERING) Whoís that foul mouthed little boy (or girl) I seen running past? I didnít even recognize him (her) but he (she) called me some nasty names, he (she) did.
HERMIONE That was Professor Snape, Hagrid. Ron accidentally spilled a shrinking (or "gender change") charm on him.
HARRY & HAGRID Oh, they can fix him up at the infirmary. Ha ha! We said it at the same
HARRY -- time.
HARRY & HAGRID Madame Pomfrey will just use the old Ė
HARRY -- essence of bullfrog croak.
HARRY I already did! After hearing that last thought.
HAGRID The one about wringing your neck and tossing yer head to Buckbeak?
RON Well what about me? Harry gets fudge and Iíve got the Revenge of Snape. Harry, stop grabbing all the attention!
HARRY I knew you were going to say that.
RON Shut up!
SCENE 5: CAFETERIA
(Scene begins in front of CLOSED CURTAIN.)
(HARRY, HERMIONE & RON ENTER running.)
FADE OUT MUSIC
HERMIONE Out to Lunch? Can you believe Dumbledore is out to lunch when we need him?
HERMIONE Chocolate milk? CHOCOLATE MILK??? How can you think of chocolate milk at a time like this?
RON uh.... I'm hungry!
HERMIONE RON! Snape's out to kill you and Harry's hearing voices!!!
RON Both those things go better with food!
(CURTAIN OPENS -- Cafeteria-
Draco Malfoy is at the cash register wiping the wall with a towel and soon counts spoons in a cup-like container, his back to the audience, so Harry doesnít see his face.
Instantly, Harry is shocked and confused, looking around.
Other students might be in the room eating or getting in line behind them.)
HERMIONE (looking) Do you see Dumbledore?
RON No... I don't see him. Maybe he's not here yet. But hey, Iím feeling a big peckish. (goes to select food on table) I think Iíll get a grilled cheese and a kidney pudding pop. How about you, Harry?
HARRY (amazed) What happened to the Great Hall? Itís turned into a Muggle cafeteria.
HERMIONE Owls? Why would we have owls at Hogwarts?
HARRY To deliver mail!!!
HERMIONE What? And have owls flying in dropping poop all over the tables? Gross!
[OPTIONAL Time Travel Scene 1]
*** (Time Travel FX)***
Actors freeze except Harry.
Dorky FUTURE POTTER ENTERS .)
HARRY Hey, what's wrong? Why'd everyone stop moving?
FUTURE POTTER Young Harry Potter. Can you guess who I am?
HARRY Except for the clothes, I'd say a house elf.
(If Future Potter is bigger, say "giant house elf".)
FUTURE POTTER Harry Potter! I am you! Come back from the future.
FUTURE POTTER Yes! Chicks! We had it all! But then we got too full of ourself. We thought we could do anything. And so I have come to warn you.
HARRY Mistake. Right. Wait!!! You're from the future??? Do you know who the Master is?
FUTURE POTTER OH! No! No! Don't be distracted by this "Who is The Master" nonsense.
FUTURE POTTER Dobbie? Dobbie???? Dobbie's skull has lumps on top of lumps. He's knocked himself silly 200 times too many.
Don't take career advice from Dobbie!
FUTURE POTTER Four years from now, Harry Potter, you will receive ...
*** (Time Travel FX)***
Oh, no! I only put in 5 quarters! (Starts spinning) Aaaaaaaaaah...
FUTURE POTTER EXITS)
OTHERS resume as if nothing happened.
HARRY is confused but gets back on track
and on script in a moment. )
RON Come on, quit fooling and get out your meal ticket. You keep it in your back right pocket.
HARRY Wow, you'd never believe what just... Oh, never mind. What did you say?
RON Quit fooling and get out your meal ticket. You keep it in your back right pocket.
HARRY There is a meal ticket in my pocket!!!
RON Of course! If you donít have it, you go hungry. We have three new ghosts this year from lost meal tickets.
MALFOY (turns and screams:) Youíll pay for that, Potter!
(HARRY drops his food and whips out his wand.)
(Malfoy is thrown back. The container of plastic spoons he was holding flies in the air.
Hermione picks up Harryís sandwich and soda.)
MALFOY (getting up hurt and angry) What did you do that for?
HARRY Malfoy?? I thought you were attacking me.
MALFOY All I said was, ďYouíll pay for that.Ē A turkey club and Dr. Pepper. Costs 3 sickles and 4 knuts. Whyíd you have to zap me?
HARRY What? Youíre the cashier???
MALFOY Of course Iím the cashier! You know Iím the cashier! Iíve worked in the cafeteria free lunch program ever since you broke the crystal prophecy orb in the Ministry of Magic.
The Dark Lord fired my dad because of you!
I HATE YOU POTTER!
Now pay the 3 sickles and 4 knuts!!!
(SNAPE makes a detour to snarl at Ron, EXITS)
DEMENTOR (gets food goes to pay, but does the who0o0oo-slurpy thing trying to suck Malfoy's soul.)
MALFOY You'll pay for that, Hagrid!
(HAGRID grabs and lifts him roughly by his collar. Effect: Malfoy hangs on to Hagrid's arm, lifting himself.)
(HAGRID drops him, takes food and Exits.)
(DUMBLEDORE ENTERS in his long robe, dancing in a silly PotterPuppetPals fashion. Harry chokes.)
DUMBLEDORE (singing) Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dumble Dumble-dore! Good day, Draco, Iíll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ramís bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.
MALFOY Youíll pay for that, Dumbledore! 7 sickles and 3 knuts!
HERMIONE Whatís wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?
(HARRY stares as DUMBLEDORE searches his robe pockets, hat, then lies on his back to search his boxer shorts or wildly patterned stretch pants, sticking his hand down his pant leg and screaming when it startles him coming out the other end.)
HARRY (sits) No, Dumbledoreís the same as ever.
DUMBLEDORE (lowering robe) Pardon me, Hermione. Just getting a little air. Hello Harry... and uh.. Rob Weevil.
RON (feelings hurt) Weasley! Ron Weasley!
DUMBLEDORE (curtseying) It's a pleasure. How can I be of assistance to you fine young whippersnappers?
RON (waves sandwich) Government cheese sandwich, Headmaster! These used to have cheddar in them!
(DOBBY & WINKY come tumbling in the door as if yanked by the spell. They jump to their feet and dizzily try to salute, very happy to be there.)
DOBBY & WINKY Dobby and Winky at your service, Headmaster!
DUMBLEDORE Sober finally, I see, Winky.
WINKY Dobby hid me bottle, Headmaster.
DOBBY Young Malfoy! Let Headmaster have his lunch. Put it on his tab!
WINKY You are a bad house elf! Bad House Elf! For shaaaame! (does the finger shame gesture.)
MALFOY (stomping) Iím not a house elf. Not a house elf!!!! And itís time for my free lunch.
DOBBY (blubbering in tears) A big three-headed dog got in the pantry and ate up all the cheese, Headmaster.
WINKY (more blubbering) Us house elves had to go raid a Muggle Welfare Office to get more cheese.
(ENTER MALFOY who leaps in!)
MALFOY Avada Kedavra! (zaps Dumbledore.)
(BLACKOUT! - FLASH GREEN LIGHT -
(DUMBLEDORE drops dead. )
Take that, Muggle Lover!
(Then it all happens in reverse.)
EXTRA Hagrid was just eaten by a giant skrewt!
(ALL react in horror.)
EXTRA And the skrewt exploded!
DUMBLEDORE You are correct, Harry. Haggis pie with chocolate sauce, though delectable (smacks lips) is not a healthy choice. But you cannot blame Malfoy. He does not write the menu.
MALFOY Yeah! Shut up, Potter!
(EXITS with food)
HARRY Hagrid! Youíre alive! But what happened to Hufflepuff House???
HAGRID All killed in the pixie explosion. You were there, Harry. You got blamed at first. Donít you remember? Oh... Gotta go attend to the dragon honor guard. (EXITS)
LITTLE HERMIONE (ENTERING with tickets) Ron! Harry! Look! Look! I got us tickets!
RON (coming over) For the Hufflepuff versus Slytherin Quidditch game Saturday?
HARRY What!? Thatís not Hermione! Thatís a little girl!
LITTLE HERMIONE Donít call me a little girl, Harry Potter! Iím smarter than YOU!
(She shoves him into Ron who falls.)
RON Harry, cool it. Don't make her mad or she won't let us copy off her Potions term paper!
HARRY Pom-poms????? (confused)
[OPTIONAL Time Travel Scene #2
Another Time Travel Scene 2.1 with NO cops is at end of script]
*** (Time Travel FX)***
Actors freeze except Harry.
FUTURE POTTER ENTERS disheveled in ratty clothes.)
HARRY Wow! What happened to you?
FUTURE POTTER (furious) You did all the stupid things I tried to tell you not to. And then you went on Larry King Live and talked about them. Now I live under a bridge WITH RATS!!!!
HARRY I meant he's still alive today?
FUTURE POTTER Harry Potter! Shut up you prattling git!
HARRY Jeesh! Am I going to turn into a crabby old geezer like you?
FUTURE POTTER I'm 24 years old!
HARRY (shocked) Gasp! PLEASE, Tell me what NOT to do.
FUTURE POTTER You'll never get me Time Travel Coppers!
(dives under table, and COP 2 grabs leg and is dragging him out, but he will get loose.)
COP 1 And I have a particular score to settle with you Potter 2,017!
Your younger self here took your advice, and in 2,022, you got your cheeky little self guest on The Daily Show!
You outed all us magical folk to the Muggles. You let slip that we were real.
We have no defenses against their technology!
Their guns shoot faster than saying Avada Kedavra!
Their cell phones are faster than sending an owl.
Magic quills and enchanted parchments
are not the INTERNET!
FUTURE POTTER Harry! Pretend to hear
voices so I can plead insanity!
HARRY I AM hearing voices.
DUMBLEDORE Tell us, please, Dobby. Who is the Master?
DOBBY Dobby has figured it out, but Dobby must not tell! Must not tell! (starts beating himself)
WINKY (comes forward, sassy, shoves Dobbie aside) Winky can tell. Winky knows because Dobby talks in his sleep. Us house elves throw buckets at Dobby to knock him unconscious so we can sleep. I can take you to the Master.
VOICES APPARATING: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
(ad lib) I'm being crushed. I fell sick. What's that funny smell? Get off my foot. I'm dizzy....
JK ROWLING ENTERS
(-- with typewriter, crumpled papers and big bottle of whiskey, and sets them on eating table, and sits slumped over. Snores. Others shut up.)
HARRY Is that... Is that... (to Winky) Is that the Master?
WINKY (nods smugly ) Not very impressive is she?
(All stare in fear and revulsion at ROWLING)
ROWLING (wakes groggy, then shocked) Amazing! You are just as I imagined you to be.
(approaches them staring at each one
fascinated and thrilled)
HARRY Is that... Is that... Is that the Master?
WINKY (nods smugly ) Not very impressive is she?
HARRY YOU sent me to live with the Dursleys??
ROWLING Of course you donít know anything about this. You just live in the Hogwarts World that Iíve created for you....
Except now there are two stories, the book story and the movie story, and theyíve become so far apart, so different.
So much of what I put IN the books was left OUT of the movies.
So when I wrote the LAST book, IÖ IÖ I had to decide if I would leave those things out of IT too!
RON LAST book? Did she say LAST BOOK?
ROWLING (spots Winky, goes to stare at her in delight) Are you Winky?
Youíve never been seen in the movies
-- never found Harryís lost wand,
-- never accused of summoning the Dark Mark,
--never expelled from Barty Crouchís household.
WINKY Never a drunken lush?
HERMIONE That sounds familiar.
ROWLING Hermione! In my book you blackmailed Rita Skeeter for being an illegal animagus and forced her to write Harryís story for The Quibbler.
HARRY & RON (slapping her on the back)
Way to go, Hermione!
ROWLING Ron, in my 5th book, you and Hermione are both Prefects.
(RON gasps like Miss Universe being crowned.)
ROWLING All that worked was the scene where Ron slops his potion on Snape, and Snape takes it out on Hagrid. But my editor nixed it.
HARRY (to Ron) See! See! It wasn't my sleeves!
ROWLING So when I wrote the last book, I had to decide: Should I leave out those characters and events that never made it into the movies?
WINKY (sarcastic) Yesss! Does Ronnie-Poo become Miss Polly Perfect Prefect?
RON Yes! Yes! Do I?
(ALL stare at ROWLING with excitement and dread.)
DUMBLEDORE Yes! Change it! Change it!
DOBBIE (on his knees) Bring back the cheese!
WINKY (to ROWLING) Spit it out! What did you do?
DOBBIE (kindly) But you are not at peace, are you?
ROWLING No, Iím not. I canít let it go.
HARRY Let me guess! You are STILL making changes! And only I notice them.
HERMIONE Oh, Harry. We all notice them. Weíre just not whiners like you.
RON Any hint on who gets killed in the last book and movie?
HERMIONE Doesnít matter does it? Book or Movie! Itís the last!
RON If itís a painful death it matters.
ROWLING (alone onstage and stunned)
Theyíre gone! Did I dream them?
Or are they real?
When I write the death of one does he really die?
WINKYíS SPOOKY VOICE Help us, J.K. Help us.... I picked up the wand! Not Harry! .... Donít let me melt awaaaaaay ....
ROWLING Winky! They are real! (tearing her hair out - distraught) Trapped in a chaos of book scenes and movie shortcuts!
Itís my fault! I let it happen!
(ROWLING raises her arms in insane triumph. She lifts the typewriter or her fists and slams it down on the table and starts typing again as:)
* * *To see a PERUSAL SCRIPT, please contact Jeannette Jaquish
at (260) 484-5946, between 7am and 10pm, Eastern Standard Time, USA,
or at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com/details.html.
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