Lifeboat

by Monty Python

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(Scene: The interior of a lifeboat. Seagulls are crying.) (groans and coughs)
Lieutenant, Hodges, Captain, Morley, Lewis, Johnson, Waitress

LIEUTENANT: Still no sign of land. How long is it?

HODGES: That's a rather personal question, sir.

LIEUTENANT: You stupid git. I meant how long has it been in the lifeboat? .You've destroyed the atmosphere now.

HODGES: I'm sorry.

LIEUTENANT: Shut up. Start again.
Still no sign of land. How long is it?

HODGES: 33 days, sir.

LIEUTENANT: Thirty-three days?

HODGES: We can't go on much longer. (grumbling)
I didn't think I destroyed the atmosphere.

LIEUTENANT: Shut up.

HODGES: Well, I don't think I did.

LIEUTENANT: 'Course you did.

HODGES: (aside, to Someone) Did you think I destroyed the atmosphere?

That SOMEONE: Yes I think you did.

LIEUTENANT: Shut up. Shut up!
(deep breath). Still no sign of land. How long is it?

HODGES: 33 days, sir.

LEWIS: Have we started again? [slap]

LIEUTENANT: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
HODGES: 33 days, sir.
LIEUTENANT: Thirty-three days?

HODGES: We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day.

MORLEY: We're done for, we're done for!

LIEUTENANT: Shut up, Morley.

HODGES: We've got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.

LEWIS: How we feeling, Captain?

CAPTAIN: Not too good. I...I feel so weak.

MORLEY: We can't hold out much longer.

CAPTAIN: Listen...chaps...there's still a chance. I'm...done for, I've...got a gamey leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. But...some of you might. So...you'd better eat me.

HODGES: Eat you, sir?
CAPTAIN: Yes. Eat me.

HODGES: Ewwww! With a gamey leg?

CAPTAIN: You don't eat the leg, HODGES. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.

MORLEY: It's not just the leg, sir.

CAPTAIN: What do you mean?

MORLEY: Well, sir...it's just that

CAPTAIN: Why don't you want to eat me?

MORLEY: I'd Id Id rather eat Johnson, sir!

HODGES: So would I, sir.

LEWIS: Definitely.

CAPTAIN: I see.
(or derve)
JOHNSON: I'm not an hors doeuvre everyone's gonna eat me!

LIEUTENANT: Uh, well.

MORLEY: What, sir?

LIEUTENANT: Go ahead, please, but I won't

MORLEY: Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving.

LIEUTENANT: No, no, it's not that.

MORLEY: What's the matter with Johnson, sir?

LIEUTENANT: Well,. he's not kosher.

MORLEY: That depends how we kill him, sir.

LIEUTENANT: Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank I...I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.

HODGES: Blimey! Oh well, all right.

MORLEY (sulking): I still prefer Johnson.

CAPTAIN: I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me!

LEWIS: Look. I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Johnson. And you, sir (to Lieutenant), can have my leg. And we make some stock from the Captain, and then we'll have Johnson cold for supper.

CREW: (cacophonous, all at once)
CAPT: Hmm, yes, good idea.
MORL: Excellent thinking, very good.
LIEUT: I don't suppose we could have Hodges in the morning?
HODGES: Good idea, yes.
JOHN: Wonderful menu. Yes.

WAITRESS(enters): So whatll it be? (ad lib) Todays special is the stuffed snails, and everything with melted cheese is half price.
CREW: (all at once) Do you bake your own bread? Could I have a clean tablecloth? Could I see the wine list? Do you have fresh ground pepper? Do you have curly or straight fries? etc.....

(In original transcript, names were not used consistently and so the assignments of who says what may not be accurate. However, this works and you can reassign who says what to suit yourself. The final questions to the waitress are not from the original.)