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Meditations





I've been raped by my Padawan. No, he's not my Padawan. He's not anyone's anything. Anakin has always been his own person. Ironic, really. He was a slave for the first nine years of his life. So now he belongs to no man.

I'm avoiding. I've been raped. Or was I? Was some part of me, somewhere deep inside wanting what happened? Wanting Anakin? Perhaps if I had fought a bit harder...

No. I was raped. I did not give consent, nor did he even ask it. It was forced. I did not want it, did not desire it, did not will it. Yet I felt pleasure.

Pleasure that was also forced, was no more than an involuntary bodily reaction. I was hurt more than I was pleasured.

I reach down my sides, searching for the bruises I know must be there. There are none. He healed them. Why?

This is useless. I should not focus on the questions I cannot hope to answer, but those I can. Like what is going to happen now. 'Things will continue as they have.' That is truer than it first appears. Anakin is who allows this relationship, is it such a big step for him to change it? I must continue as I have. I will train Anakin.

I will continue to live as I have, taking each day, each hour, each night as it comes. For dwelling on the future or the past will only bring me pain.

I do have a choice. I could go to the Council. What I told Anakin was true, I would be killed, but not dishonored. Qui-Gon is dead. He is safe, why worry about his honor? It was important to him. But not as important as doing what he thought was right. The truth would tarnish his reputation, his name, but it would not touch his soul.

Oh, how easy it would be to do this. He would not begrudge me. Tell the Council, then all my worries are over. I would be with Qui-Gon. Anakin would be given to someone else. But I know him better than most people, and I know he would not stay. He would never stay with a new Master. He would never accept being 'given' to someone else, no matter how it was meant. And perhaps more importantly, he would never allow me to win.

If Anakin were to leave, I have no doubts that he would eventually turn. And having turned, I have no doubts that he could destroy the Republic, destroy peace, even destroy the Jedi themselves. Yes, I truly believe that he is that powerful.

Sometimes I wonder if anything can prevent that fate. Some times I wonder if perhaps I am completely wrong, and that Anakin will become a great Jedi Knight. Most of the time, however, I simply do not wonder at all, but instead look at Anakin as a person. As a man who is burdened with great power and a prophesy he did not choose. A man who was once a little boy who loved to fly.

What will this day bring? What will this night? Pointless questions. No one can know. Except perhaps for Anakin. All I know is that I must be here with him. What ever it takes.

He can have my body. He will have my body. But I will never surrender my heart nor my soul. I cannot. For they are not mine to give. They were given long ago, and cannot be ungiven nor regiven.

I've been raped by my Padawan. But I gave Qui-Gon my word. I will train Anakin.

*****

End




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