Songs from The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Song lyrics (c) 2002 Jeannette Jaquish. Music CD is available. Or play them yourself - Music for instruments is all public domain.
- Flush All the Pills -- sung by Queen and Butler
- Royal Blood -- sung by Queen and Princess Conceita
- When Cupcake Comes Crawling Home -- Sung by Cupcake
- Growing Pains -- Sung by Three Princesses and Butler
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Open the Bottle
lyrics by Jeannette Jaquish
(to the tune of a slower “Pop Goes the Weasel”)
QUEEN:
Open the bottle and flush all the pills,
Off with the doctor’s head,
It’s hard work that cures all ills,
Hard work revives the dead;
(slowly) Not powdered root nor steaming poultice,
(slowly) Restores the body or brings the soul bliss,
(peppy) Or expels poison from each orifice, like
Hard hard hard WORK!
BUTLER:
Pardon me, highness, Don’t wish to complain,
(creeping up hands pleading)
Or interrupt your wisdom,
My blisters are oozing and ankle is sprained,
Gangrene has set in; (lifts up pant leg to show leg, she turns her face disgusted)
(slowly) Good Queen don’t think me un-patriotic,
(hobbles to her other side to be seen)
(slowly) To swab off my flesh before it turns necrotic;
Then with bed rest and anti-biotic,
I’ll soon be back at work.
QUEEN:
Loyal servant, I won’t sprinkle salt,
(pats him on the shoulder, BUTLER looks hopeful)
On your injured flesh,
I decree the castle will screech to a halt,
(sarcastic, BUTLER looks apprehensive)
Until you feel refreshed;
(slowly) Your humble beseeches do sing a sad tune,
(slowly) The Royal Physician will bring before noon,
A bucket of leeches to suck on your wound!
(viciously, BUTLER panics, retreats)
Until you’re back to work!
Baby Princess
lyrics by Jeannette Jaquish
(to the tune of “Dance of the Hours” by Ponchielli, parodied in “Hello Muddah, Hello Fattah")
QUEEN:
Baby princess --- Learns in the crib
Not to mumble, --- Drool or fib,
Representing, --- The King and Queen,
And her ancestors and in-laws in between!
She’s taught grammar, --- And decorum,
For the rostrum, --- Court and forum.
Sophistication, --- And social graces,
Are appropriate for high or muddy places!
Our royal name is --- good as gold,
How many people --- has this frog told?
Of your promise? --- You didn’t squeeze him,
When you had the chance, so now you have to please him.
(refrain)
CONCEITA:
No please no, oh Dearest Mum,
I’ll be your sweet sugar plum,
Let me dump this slimy bum,
In the outer aquarium,
No, please no, This frog’s a kook,
His slimy warts, make me wanna puke,
I’ll scour the pots, and milk the goat,
Please-please let me toss, this frog in the moat.
(verses)
QUEEN:
Listen daughter --- Your reputation,
Will raise or ruin --- Your royal station;
Stop this squealing! --- Get a handle!
Don’t be the Frog and Princess tabloid headline scandal!
Royal blood brings --- Divine right,
Or else torches --- In the night;
Should you lose --- The people’s honor,
They’ll revolt and storm the gates – You’ll be a goner!
When Cupcake Comes Crawling Home
lyrics by Jeannette Jaquish
(To the tune of “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again”)
CUPCAKE:
The faithful pet, brave, cute and versatile,
Tracks her mistress loyally-mile after mile,
When poachers would trap and screeching birds dive,
I fought tooth and nail; Now I’m barely alive,
And I’m bleeding and limping in heroic style,
My fluffy curls matted, I struggle on, Hurrah! Hurrah!
My perky ears flatted, Oh what a Dog! Hurrah! Hurrah!
But the Princess’s joy when she sees me arrive,
Will soon turn to tears, for I will not survive,
And she’ll cry and cry when Cupcake comes crawling home.
She’ll cuddle me close and pray against death, Boo hoo, Boo hoo
I’ll gaze at her and with my last, dying breath, say “Where were you?” ---
--(PRINCESS interrupts on “Where “!)
Growing Pains
lyrics by Jeannette Jaquish
(to the tune of English Country Gardens: verse, verse, refrain, refrain)
DIVEA: Shoulders back and chin up,
I can’t see my feet,
If I trip they say it’s growing pains,
PETULA: Gently place the teacup,
Always kind and sweet,
If I cuss they say it’s growing pains,
DIVEA: Petticoats and “if you please”,
PETULA: Stifle every sneeze,
DIVEA: Military strategies,
CONCEITA: If I dare to wonder what peasants have to eat,
They just cluck and call it
ALL: “growing pains”
(slower)
DIVEA: How we long to go out to
The meadow for a spin,
PETULA: (joins the circle running) Running barefoot in the wind,
CONCEITA: But the only laugh we get to haff is knocking ‘round the staff,
(BUTLER ENTERS, cringes.)
It’s expected – we’ve got
ALL: growing pains.
BUTLER: (setting out tray of cookies, teapot and cups, serves)
Sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks,
Every curl in place,
Beware these ever growing pains.
(PRINCESSES inspect cups and cookies, find fault and toss a few of them at BUTLER, drop them in his clothes, “crush” them on his head, etc. and whack him.)
Creamy knuckles, dainty feet,
Smashing in your face,
Defend yourself from growing pains,
Given everything they want,
Never felt the rod,
Raised to think they’re next to God,
But acting distinctly more like His nemesis,
Watch out for these growing pains.
