Five-Minute "Barge of the Dead"
B'Elanna: Help! My shuttle's crashing!
Chakotay: Hey, you're stealing my bit!
Janeway: Don't do that again, Lanna.
B'Elanna: Okay, Metaphorical Mom.
Chakotay: Hey, I found this Klingon thing.
B'Elanna: Who cares? Hey, it's bleeding.
Harry: It's not bleeding, and I'm tired, and you suck, so go away!
Neelix: By the way, tomorrow's Klingon Day.
B'Elanna: Do I have to do anything?
Tuvok: ...and that's what your dream means.
B'Elanna: Not likely. You suck, Logic Boy.
Tuvok: That's it, I'm switching to Evil Tuvok again. You may remember him from such episodes as "Cathexis" and "Meld."
Doc: Klingon drinking songs are not irrelevant!
Seven: Oh? Why not?
Doc: Um...well...just because.
Neelix: Try some gagh! I shook it so it looks alive.
B'Elanna: Uh...I'll pass, thanks. How come you're all worshipping Klingons now?
Tom: We are not! Now quiet, it's time for the captain's offical Klingon Worship Speech.
Janeway: Klingons are -- AAAGHH!
B'Elanna: Oo, good speech. AAAGHH!
B'Elanna: Where am I?
Kortar: This is the Barge of the Dead. Hence the title.
B'Elanna: What do you people do here?
Kortar: Mainly we sit around branding people, getting seasick, screaming, and feeling sorry for ourselves.
B'Elanna: This barge bites! I wanna go home! Oh, hi Mom.
Miral: Hey, you're not dead. Bye!
B'Elanna: ...and then I saw my Mom! It all felt real!
Chakotay: It still probably wasn't.
B'Elanna: I don't care. I have to go back.
Tom: If you die, can I have all your stuff?
Janeway: I don't think you should do this.
B'Elanna: Bite me.
Tom: This is insane! Don't do it!
B'Elanna: Sorry, I'm doing it anyway.
Tom: In that case, let's kiss.
Miral: Hey, you're back! Let's get in an argument.
B'Elanna: Okay, but we'll have to keep it short -- I have an appointment with Hell.
Kortar: So you want to die so your Mom can go to Heaven?
B'Elanna: Yep.
Kortar: You're cheating. Wanna do it for real?
B'Elanna: Yep.
Evil Tuvok: Time to walk the plank, matey!
B'Elanna: Hey, I thought I was dead!
Neelix: You are. Turns out Voyager's Hell.
B'Elanna: Well, that I already knew.
Doc: She's dying! Twenty cc's of technobabble, stat!
Voyager Crew: And now it's time for "10 Things I Hate About B'Elanna!"
Evil Tuvok: Screw that, just die!
B'Elanna: Mom? But I just screwed up my afterlife for you!
Miral: That's what you think. Turns out this is actually a metaphysical journey of self-discovery.
B'Elanna: All things considered, I'd prefer Hell.
Evil Tuvok: En garde!
B'Elanna: What do all you people want from me?
Everybody: Nothing much.
B'Elanna: Oh, okay. Bye, Mom!
Miral: Bye, honey. See ya, or maybe not.
B'Elanna: I'm back!
Tom: Nuts, guess I don't get your stuff.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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