The Amazing Purple Emu That Speaks Ebonics X-Mas Special
by the Blanks
Part X
And now, here is your host, Elrond Ytterbium.
* * *
Elrond Ytterbium said, "Hello all you Fieldists out there. Merry X-Mas! That's right. It's that time of year again when all the Fieldists get together to celebrate the birth of the letter X. And we have a very special show for you today. Rubber Chicken Enterprises is proud to present the wonderful holiday classic 'How The Emu Stole X-Mas.' And to narrate the story, we are very happy to have with us two very special guests, Leonard Nimoy and Aaron Sakalopolich!"
Leonard Nimoy and Aaron Sakalopolich entered, and said, "Hi."
A Drexel Shaft fell from the sky, crushing Elrond Ytterbium and Aaron Sakalopolich. Leonard Nimoy was spared. He began to narrate the story of "How the Emu Stole X-Mas."
* * *
Every Fieldist
In Philly
Liked X-Mas a lot...
But the emu
Who lived in Tunkhannock
Did NOT!
That bird hated X-Mas, the whole X-Mas season.
Now please don't ask why 'cause we all know the reason.
It could be that he was a bird without flight
Or possibly that he had an overbite.
But those are all wrong, they are wrong one and all.
The reason was, his wallet was two sizes too small.
And
Because of that reason
The emu sat there
Watching the Fieldists, combing their hair.
Staring down from his crib with an emu-y squawk
He watched the Fieldists take a naked walk.
They walked to a Field, and in the Field they sat.
Naked like Fieldists, without even a hat.
"They be sitting there naked," he sqrauckeled and sneered.
"Tomorrow be X-Mas! It be almost here!"
Then he sqrauckeled and with his gun held near,
"I gots to bust a cap in X-Mas, ya hear?"
For tomorrow he knew...
...All the Fieldists would be
naked in Fields, for everyone to see.
And then! Oh, the nudity! The nudity! The nudity!
That's the one thing he hated! The NUDITY! NUDITY! NUDITY! NUDITY!
They'd sit! And they'd sit!
And they'd SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!
And the more that he thought of the X-Mas-Field-Sit,
The emu thought, "I gots to stop all dis 5|-|1+!
Why for forty-two years I've put up with it now!
I must stop this X-Mas from coming!
But how?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
The emu
Got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
He took off his clothes, with an emu-y smile
and said to himself, "Now I be in style.
Without any clothes on this cold X-Mas day
I'll look like St. Fieldist, and steal X-Mas away."
With a sqrauckel most nasty and a shovel to wield
Around the whole city, he dug up every Field.
The big ones! The small ones! The Fields with some trees!
And even the one where the Fieldists got fleas!
He took all the Fields and he mixed them with pot,
And sold them to junkies, who paid quite a lot.
And what happened then?
Well in Hatfield they say
That the emu's small wallet
Grew three sizes that day!
So the emu went out to buy lots of cool Stuff,
But he got to the store and did not have enough.
The Fieldists knew what the emu did, you see
And they stole his wallet, at quarter to three.
Then the Fieldists went out and they bought a new Field,
And sat in it naked, and then someone squealed,
"We got a new Field, and now all is right.
Merry X-Mas to all, and to all a good night."
* * *
"And thus the Fieldists learned the true meaning to X-Mas, buying things," said Leonard Nimoy. "Things like the wonderful products of our sponsors, Rubber Chicken Enterprises, Moo, Inc. and Amalgamated Products. Happy holidays. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Live long and prosper. Energize."
Leanard Nimoy failed to disappear. Gene Roddenberry came back from the dead and beat him with a stick.
The end.
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