(In front of curtain. Alexis runs on putting on jacket and cap.)
ALEXIS: Mom! I’m going to go apply for a job!
MOM’S VOICE: A job! Oh, honey, you’re too young!
ALEXIS: It’s just a few hours after school helping in a science lab! It’ll be fun!
MOM’S VOICE: Well.... did you do your homework?
ALEXIS: Of course!!
MOM’S VOICE: Oh.... OK! Be home for dinner!
ALEXIS: I will! Bye! (EXITS other side)
(CURTAIN OPENS)
(SETTING: Dr. Frankenstreudel's Lab: Front door Exit upstage left, Hall Exit downstage left, and Kitchen Exit downstage right. Table with microscope downstage mid-left, bloody bucket stage left of table, newest creature downstage right laying with head pointing stage left and feet stage right, operating table upstage centerish with walking space behind it.
Dr. F looks through microscope. Misty lurks under operating table.)
(DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL pulls out microscope slide and looks at it confused, then with dawning horror grabs other slides and inspects them.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (sweetly, sing-song, but simmering with fury) Eyegore? What did you do to my cellular matrix sample microscope slides???
EYEGORE’S VOICE: I washed them! They were filthy, but my new lemony Sunburst dish detergent sparkled them clean!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Aaaaargh! Eyegore, you idiot! Keep your meddling hands off of my lab equipment!!
ALEXIS: KNOCK! KNOCK!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (frantic) Eyegore! Stay in the kitchen! Misty go downstairs!
(MISTY just squirms farther back stage. DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL straightens her lab coat, puts on a smile, and opens the door. ALEXIS looks in apprehensively.)
ALEXIS: (looking around at the weird lab) Hi. My name is Alexis. I, uh, saw your ad for the job... Smart young lab assistant eager to learn? Orphans encouraged to apply... I'm not an orphan but.. if this is a bad time....
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (grabbing ALEXIS’ sleeve and pulling her in and turning her around for a very hands on inspection. Alexis faces stage left.)
Aaaah, yes! Healthy, strong, and young. The eyes speak of intelligence. Teeth: no decay, well cleansed, .... ears, very sanitary. And sensitive? (Blows).
ALEXIS: (jumps from blow in ear) Yipe!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Excellent! (Clap/brushes off her hands, then hands on hips.) You are good with the math, I hope??
ALEXIS: (proudly) Oh, yes! I get A’s on all my tests!
(EYEGORE ENTERS from downstage right, dusting and straightening, unseen by ALEXIS. Progresses to upstage center.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Tests, schmests! Practical knowledge is what is important. But where is my protocol?
ALEXIS: (unsure, blankly) Uhhh.... I don’t know. Did it fall into that bucket?.. (starts left cross toward bucket to look inside it.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (grabs her back by her collar) Let me introduce myself! I am Dr. Von Chimera, (Ki-MARE-uh) and this is my humble laboratory. (snaps fingers for EYEGORE) Please to give your hat and coat to Eyegore.
(EYEGORE thrusts his hands forward from behind, past both sides of Alexis’ head.)
ALEXIS: Eeeeeek !!!
EYEGORE: (clumsily lifting jacket and cap off her) Such a sweet child. Would you like some cinnamon toast and prune juice?
ALEXIS: (amazed at the sweet talk from the hideous face) Uh, no thank-you.........(trying to decide if he is male or female) … ma’am?
EYEGORE: Goodness! This button is about to fall off. I hope I have some thread in this color...hmmm, evening lavender? morning violet?. (Takes down sewing kit stage left and sews button)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (turns ALEXIS’ face away from EYEGORE putting arm around her shoulder, and walks her towards the right) Eyegore is on his second brain. His first brain was the brain of our postman, but, (releasing ALEXIS) Aaach! he drove me crazy always moving my instruments and papers, here and there, all around the lab. I couldn’t find a thing! He just couldn’t get out of the delivery habit.
ALEXIS: I see.... But this is his second brain?…..
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (pulling ALEXIS to upstage of creature, DR. VC on right side) Enough chit-chat! Now, we will see if all those tests with the A’s mean you know anything useful. (sweeps sheet off of creature) My newest creation! So beautiful! So powerful! Heart, lungs, glands -- every part a perfect choice. Her head will tower above the rest!
ALEXIS: Is she a love mate for Eyegore?
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (snort-laughs ) Love mate! Excuse me (wiping nose)... No, Eyegore needs a lap poodle, not a love mate. I won’t say Eyegore is one of my failures, for he does keep the lab tidy, but he lacks....(looking at him, pondering) consistency. This being is a focused approach. Dr. Von Chimera learns from her mistakes.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Eyegore! Take Misty out to her.... kennel!
EYEGORE: Is that mangey creature in the house? (grabs broom and chases MISTY out) Out! Out! Disinfectant and hot water! (EXITS, returning with mop and bucket, mops vigorously)
ALEXIS: Is that your... pet? Is it a dog... or a cat.... or something?
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (hiding her anger at Misty) Yes.
ALEXIS: It seemed... sick.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (accusingly) You aren’t one of those “animals have the same rights as humans” activists, are you?
ALEXIS: (defensively) Oh, no. I believe that some animal experimentation is necessary... for good causes.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (has her composure back, tries to smooth over the situation, pats ALEXIS’ head) You just don’t want unnecessary mistreatment.
ALEXIS: Right!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Misty is a little under the weather, but we are seeing to her medical needs. Eyegore just doesn’t like animals in the house. (pause) You have compassion. That is good. Do you like babies?
ALEXIS: Babies???? Why, sure. Does this job involve babies???
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Oh no. That’s just a personality question.
(pushing ALEXIS from behind to look at creature, DR. VC’s face on her shoulder)
So, do you think this new creature is attractive -- would you like to look like her?
ALEXIS: (uncomfortable with the question) Well, um, she’s an improvement on Eyegore. But , she doesn’t seem to be finished.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: No. (darkly, twisting ALEXIS hair around her finger) But soon everything I need will be in place. (upbeat again, steps stage left of ALEXIS) My creature needs to be infused with hemoglobin (HEE-mo-glo-bin), which is?????
ALEXIS: Red blood cells!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (retrieving package from table) Good, good! The instructions on this package of hemoglobin concentrate say to mix 1 part hemoglobin with 4 parts water. If I use 8 quarts of water, how much hemoglobin concentrate will I need?
(Eyegore finishes mopping, leans mop against table and resumes dusting.)
ALEXIS: (holding up 1 finger and 4 fingers) Hmmm, one part hemoglobin to 4 parts water. The water is 8 quarts. 8 quarts divided by 4 parts is 2 quarts per part. I’ll count them up (wiggling each of the 4 fingers as she counts) 2, 4, 6, 8 quarts. Yes! So the 1 part of hemoglobin is 2 quarts also!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Very good mathematical conceptualization!!
ALEXIS: (embarrassed but loving the compliment) Aaaaah, gee. I always do my math homework.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: And it shows. (she realizes Alexis can be manipulated with compliments) Now, smart cookie, what makes red blood cells red?
ALEXIS: Oxygen!
EYEGORE: (blurting) Blood stains are just dreadful to get out of clothing!!! (lifting bucket) Oh, the hours I spend in cold water scrubbings!!! (carrying bucket from stage right to between ALEXIS and DR. VC.) Just look at these wretched bloody garments that I’m soaking. (lifts bloody dripping clothing from bucket)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Eyegore! I think I hear your soufflé falling!
EYEGORE: (frantically sets bucket down stage right of ALEXIS, EXITS stage right)
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, dear, dear!!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (turns ALEXIS’ head away from bucket) Smart girl like you needn’t concern herself with dirty laundry. I see grand scientific breakthroughs in your future! (Looking above audience, stepping forward, ego-mania taking hold) I see you breaking the barriers of accepted possibility! I see the world terrified and trembling, helpless against the power I will unleash, oops, um, (returning to ALEXIS) ....YOU will unleash. Um, when you, um......invent a new….. um… vitamin shake!!
ALEXIS: Wow! When do we get started??
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Aaach!, my child. We are at the mercy of nature for our electricity. My laboratory is not hooked up to the city power grid.
ALEXIS: Is that the reason there is a “condemned” sign on the front door?
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: One of the reasons. (turns, stepping downstage, brooding) Imbecilic city council. Pandering to those nostalgic yokels. (exaggerated character voices) “My little Fluffy is missing” “My little boy cries every night for his puppy” “My cattle need their intestines” “My twins aren’t identical any more.”
ALEXIS: (tugging on FRANKENSTREUDEL's elbow during twins line) Dr. Frankenstreudel? So how do you get electricity?
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (startled out of her brooding) What? Oh! Good question. Your logical progression is exceptional, Alexis! What phenomenon of nature manifests itself as a tremendous jolt of static electricity?
ALEXIS: (ponders a quick moment) Lightning??!!! Wow!!! You use lightning for electricity??!!!
(EYEGORE ENTERS from right sobbing)
EYEGORE: Boo-hoo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (exasperated) What is it now, Eyegore!? Did your soufflé fall?
EYEGORE: My embossed silverware collection is ruined! (thrusts bent spoons under ALEXIS’ nose) Those dreadful little wretches bent up my best spoons prying the bars on their cages!
(sobs on ALEXIS’ shoulder.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (steps behind ALEXIS and whaps EYEGORE back of his head)
Enough of your domestic crises, Eyegore!
(EYEGORE stumbles past ALEXIS, turning back, pouting.)(R to L = DR. F, ALEXIS, EYEGORE.)
Dry your tears. Your mascara is smearing. Let me introduce our new lab assistant, Alexis.
(Big wink to EYEGORE.)
ALEXIS: Then I’m hired?? This is great! Can I start right away?
(During next line, DR. F walks clockwise around operating table to its upstage center side and EYEGORE moves to stage left of operating table. ALEXIS should remain downstage right of operating table.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Why of course! But before you begin, why not take a little break? Lie down over here on this couch, next to this tray of knives. These straps are nice and snuggly.
EYEGORE: (patting table) Tuck the baby in.
(ALEXIS looks at the operating table, at the creature’s empty skull, at the knives, and to the faces of DR. F and EYEGORE.)
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh! I just remembered that I forgot to do my homework.
(ALEXIS runs to front door but it is locked. Although nearly hysterical, she struggles to speak casually as she struggles with the door knob. DR. F advances from ALEXIS'S upstage side, while EYEGORE curves to downstage of ALEXIS. They stalk her, slowly, ready to pounce, moving closer when she looks away. DR. F will reach the wall upstage of the door and EYEGORE will reach the wall downstage of the door and both will advance toward ALEXIS.)
ALEXIS: (looking back and forth between them ) Oh dear, the door is locked. Maybe you could open it for me. Please??? I’ll just be gone 20 minutes. Just a few fractions. Easy as pie. Then I’ll be right back.
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (swinging keys, in a hypnotic voice which affects both ALEXIS and EYEGORE)
Oh, no, Alexis. A good student like you always does their homework as soon as they get home. That’s why I chose YOUR brain. (finger reaches out) It has character as well as intelligence.
(Action takes place during ALEXIS’ lines.)
Just as DR. F’s finger is about to touch ALEXIS, ALEXIS snaps out of her hypnotic trance, turns and backs into room with DR F following in her footsteps, finger still leading. ALEXIS backs into operating table, falling onto it, DR F pounces, but ALEXIS rolls off to upstage floor, barely escaping DR F who smacks onto operating table and pounces onto ALEXIS on floor. After falling on floor, ALEXIS jumps up and tries to run but DR F grabs her foot. EYEGORE snaps out of his hypnotic state when DR. F smacks into operating table and hikes his skirts and runs to block the exit at the other side of room. ALEXIS and DR F are standing, with DR F tugging on the hopping ALEXIS’s foot, DR F’s grip slips and she falls on her behind and ALEXIS starts to run across the room but sees EYEGORE over there and stops suddenly, turns, sees DR F getting up, shoves her back down and climbs/hops over the operating table but stumbles and falls on the floor downstage of operating table. DR F gets up and follows ALEXIS over the table, falls next to her and, without getting to her feet grabs ALEXIS'S clothes or arm or leg. ALEXIS tries again to run towards the EYEGORE side of the room but can’t with DR F hanging on. ALEXIS spins causing DR F to lose her grip and smacks herself falling on the floor again. ALEXIS tries to zigzag dodge around EYEGORE, but in her attempted dash around him, EYEGORE grabs her arm and she ends up running around him spinning him until he is so dizzy he falls on his behind and let’s go at the moment that the release sends her stumbling towards the rising DR F, again knocking her down. ALEXIS dives under the work table trying to crawl downstage. DR F grabs her foot and moves it to simulate its kicking. ALEXIS finishes her line as her face reaches the downstage side of the table. EYEGORE recovers and goes to lean over stage right side of table to pat her on the head on his line.)
ALEXIS: (during chase) Character?? Intelligence???? Me??? Oh, that’s a laugh! Ha ha ha. Did I really fool you with that act? Ha ha ha! That’s how I get by. Put a smart look on my face, but what’s in my head? Oatmeal! I haven’t a clue! I’m dumb and worthless.... and a social misfit!!! I chew on my scabs and pick my boogers -- you don’t want that! -- and I eat ‘em! I’m a totally gross, drooling idiot!!!!
EYEGORE: (reaching down to pat her head) Poor little woogums. Your mama obviously didn’t give you enough love.
(ALEXIS is struggling out the downstage side of the table and turning right with DR. F still tugging on her “kicking” foot.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: (grunting) Your apprehension is understandable, Alexis. But you must realize the great, breathtaking glory that you will be taking part in. Your head will tower above the rest! Ouch!!!
(DR. F “kicks” ALEXIS’s foot into her own face and releases it, holds head moaning. ALEXIS crawls over to creature’s display bed and grabs it to pull herself up)
ALEXIS: (staring in dawning horror at the creature’s empty skull, remembering what DR. F has just said) Tower above the rest?! (turns to scream in horror at DR F) I said, “She doesn’t look complete,” and you said, “SOON EVERYTHING I NEED WILL BE IN PLACE!”
EYEGORE: (pulling ALEXIS’s arm) There, there, little twitter bird. Come sit on my lap. Play patty-cake?
(DR. F begins to rise, still painfully holding head.)
ALEXIS: (running left across downstage, bumping DR. F and pulling EYEGORE onto DR. F.) Not with MY brain!
(ALEXIS EXITS, stage right leaving DR. F and EYEGORE in a tangle.)
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: I knew that rotten kid was smart.
EYEGORE: Ohhh, I broke a fingernail!
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Get off me, Eyegore! Go after her!
EYEGORE (standing brushing off clothes, turns back to doctor): Is there dirt on my caboose?
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Eyegore!!! She’s tracking mud everywhere!!
EYEGORE: Eeeeeek!! (EXITING after her) Stop, you little ruffian! Don’t step on the oriental rugs!! Where were you born? In a barn???
DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL: Trapped like a rat. (EXITS stage left.)
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