Latest News (Updated April 8, 12.23 pm): Living at home. It sucks.
How I'm currently feeling (Updated April 8, around 12.24 pm): A bit tired. Annoyed and angry with my mother (so what else is new? lol).
A word/phrase to describe my life as I feel it is at the moment (Updated April 8, 12.25 pm): Overly complicated
A Recent Observation (Updated April 1, 5.06 pm): "Once Kyle's friend, always Kyle's friend." Okay, so maybe that's just something his mom said, but it's true! :D
What I'm looking forward to (Updated April 8, 12.25 pm): Hopefully talking with Kyle
My Rants (Updated March 31):|
My mom has always told me to rely on family in a crisis, that they'll always be there for you... So why is it my friends are providing more for me, helping me out more, and caring more about me than my family? I never believed her, though. For years, she has betrayed me emotionally (and is in complete denial about it...as was she in denial about my sexual orientation). Now, I have been betrayed again, only much harsher this time. I knew something like this would happen for a long time. I just never thought she would kick me out with no resources, then expect me to live without a home or a vehicle. ::shrugs:: Somehow, though, I'm not surprised. Just another abandonment to have to deal with. I've been though so many already with her that I'm almost getting used to it... :( I wonder if she'd act so rashly if my dad was still around.
Other thoughts (Updated April 2, morning):
I wonder if she takes my coming out to her as a personal attack. I wouldn't be surprised if she did. She takes everything else I tell her as a personal attack it seems. And everytime I tell her how much I'm hurting, she always has to counter it with how much stress she's under, how much she's hurting, how awful her life has been. Talk about not knowing how or when to be empathetic...
As far as I'm concerned, she's kept me safe and has tried her best to keep me safe, but she doesn't try to have an even remotely healthy relationship with me.
When she called me the other day as I was arriving where I'm currently at, she talked to me as if nothing was wrong. Maybe her maternal instincts were kicking in. Maybe she realized what a fucking stupid idea it is to send her daughter to possibly live on the streets. Plus she's well aware I have no permanent residence, I have no money, no job, no food, and no vehicle of my own. Which brings me to this: she said she'd buy all of us kids a car when we got our licenses. So...where's mine? She said she's tried to treat us all fairly (yeah right...), so why doesn't she get me a vehicle or at the very least, sign the van over to me? And where the hell is the money she promised to give me if I chose to keep the van instead of getting a new(er) car?
Also, she claims she truly loves me for who I am and always will. Yet, this is obviously not true. She loves me for who she wants me to be, not who I really am. Because it's quite obvious she doesn't love that I'm a lesbian and am not living a so-called "godly life." And if she truly does love me, why would she abandon me time after time, then deny she did anything wrong? Why would she kick me out without making sure I'd be safe, have funds, health insurance, et cetera? Like what I was saying to some of my friends: she knows very well I'm mentally ill. What if I have a complete breakdown...without having health insurance? What if I get into an accident or something where my life is threatened? Will she run back to me and provide me with what I need then? What will it take for her to realize the hell she's been putting me though all these years...especially now? ::rolls eyes:: Somehow, I doubt she'll ever think she's done anything wrong because she has god on her side...
Why is it that even people who wanted to totally forget about me are even more helpful than my own mother? I don't understand. Oh wait...yes, I do understand. It's because it seems my mom could care less about my livelihood.
(Below: Updated April 8)
My mom continually angers me, and selling my soul to her in order to live in her house hasn't helped my self-worth any. I know she sees me as a threat in more than one way. I'm sad that the rest of my family has been brainwashed by her. I refuse to become her puppet, her clone, or whatever the hell she wants me to be. I am my own person. I am free from her, and it's too bad my other siblings don't realize that they, too, can think for themselves. However, they seem content to not be different. I feel bad for them for taking her side. They don't see what they're missing in life.
Today is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. There...I've acknowledged it. I think I'm expected to be at least a little bit sad, but I'm not. And I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean, I loved him, and I miss him, but I'm not sad... What does that mean? ::shrugs:: I was invited to dinner with my family at around 6 tonight, but I can't go because I have other things I need to do. Plus, I'm not so sure I want to be around a bunch of grieving people when I'm not grieving with them. Sounds like the funeral... I've decided I hate funerals. Wow, I sound really cold, don't I? Well, I can't help it I was raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment that turned me this way.
I think it's true. I think I do in fact have ADD...
I'm grateful to have friends who care so much about me, who are willing to stick by me even when I'm betrayed by the ones society deems should be most important to me, who help me out in a crisis, and who seem to love me more than so many others.
I don't dance. I don't know why; I just don't. People seem to have a hard time grasping that concept.
A lot of music videos really suck. From what I've observed, rap videos seem to be the most poorly created. My favorite music videos currently are Evanescence's My Immortal and Five for Fighting's 100 Years. I appreciate those that actually have some thought, creativity, and artistry put into them. They can even be simplistic and still be incredible. I always thought music videos were meant to enhance the songs. I seem to have been mistaken because the majority of them seem to simply ruin the song's appeal to me. One of the best examples I can give is this: J-Kwon's Tipsy. That one is awful. Whomever created/directed that video should be beaten.
Birds are beginning to sing outside. It's a very welcomed sound.
A song to describe my life:
Strange, by Tori Amos
thought i knew you well
thought i had read the sky
thought i had read a change
in your eyes to strange
woke up to a world
that i am not a part
except when i can play
after all what were you really looking for
and i wonder when will i learn
blue isn't red everybody knows this
and i wonder when will i learn
when will i learn
guess i was in
deeper than i thought i was
if i have enough love
for the both of us
you said "we'll build a nest"
so i left my life
tried on your friends
tried on your opinions.
so when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
i put our snowflake
under a microscope
after all what was i really looking for
and i wonder when will i learn
maybe my wish knew better than i did
and i wonder so strange now
i'm finally in
the party has begun
it's not like i can't feel you still
but strange what i will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now i must be leaving