Summary: J/P, angst. Rated PG. Kathryn has loved before, and she is afraid to love again. A short sequel to "Everybody's Sin".
Disclaimer: Not mine.
By Daffnie (firstname.lastname@example.org)
She's afraid to love...afraid of the loss that inevitably comes with it. She has lost two. One by ice and one by distance. No one should have to go through what she has gone through. No one should have to see what she has seen. I'm surprised she still has her sanity. Kathryn's strong - everybody knows it - but even the most abled have to fall, and I fear that her time is soon.
She's losing a battle nobody could have expected her to win. Kathryn is dying spiritually. There's not much left of her...sadly, not much there worth keeping any more. I know she tries to hold on to what she used to be for the sake of the crew, but her spark is gone. She doesn't know who she is anymore.
She spends her nights tucked safely away in her quarters, not allowing anyone to see her. I tried several times to get her to talk to me, but she would always quietly dismiss any help...except once.
Her doors weren't locked when I came back again several nights later (the last time I had gone there -on the night she took Miral - I couldn't get in). I rang for her permission to enter, and the doors slid apart. I discovered her crying; clutching her knees to her chest on the floor near her replicator, whispering between sobs for God to take her away from her pain.
I don't know how she can live with all she's got locked up inside. She must've been crying for hours on end, and the tears didn't seem to be letting up. She looked up at me through wet eyelashes, showing her vulnerability shamelessly for the first time. I wanted to help her somehow (the anger for when she had my daughter had all but disappeared), but I knew that anything I did would only be temporary.
The Kathryn I thought I once knew was gone.
I saw the pain in her eyes, melting away her strength, making me wish I could be in her place just so that I could stop her suffering.
"Tom, why did I have to love them?" she said softly, her voice trembling. "And dammit, why do I have to love you?"