Measure of Worth
Summary: Rated PG, angsty, AU. Janeway questions her relationship with Tom.
Disclaimer: Paramount's characters.
By Daffnie (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Through everything, he has been there for me, and I feel obligated to grant him my undying affection. But it's not genuine. He doesn't know that. He has stayed with me, even when I was at my worst, even when I wanted to give up, and I feel I owe him my life. I tell him how much I care for him, but secretly I question. What is it worth? Is it morally acceptable to marry someone just so you can use them as a safety net? Well, that's what happened.
Tom has saved me from myself. I was going to end it all, end the life that was born from tainted affection between strangers (my mother would never admit to it, but I knew I was a mistake...). Tom made me realize I deserved better than what I had, and so I kept going back to him. I needed reassurance, and he was always there to give it to me. I didn't know if what I felt was love. I married him in hopes that it would make my feelings stablize. I thought if I was just flexible, I could handle it all and handle myself. It's amazing, really, how disjointed and illogical desperate thoughts can be, though. And was I desperate? Of course. There's no other way to put it. No matter what I did, Tom was a constant presence. I appreciated it. I still do, but that's as far as it goes. It wasn't love. It never will be.
I'm not what he needs. He should have someone strong, someone that is able bodied and not a coward like me. My error was that I thought I could become that person he needed, but I was only fooling myself. There was no way to erase the scars from my past...and they are what keep holding me back. I grew up without a loving father. He was rarely around, and I was never the same when he died. I wanted to rewrite my life, make history change so he could be there for me instead of prefering to nurse the bottle to take responsibility for his child. This is what has shaped my being, this is what made me who I am....
I don't deserve anything I have. I worked damn hard for it all, sure. I worked on my relationship with Tom, but I am always cheated out of happiness in the end. Nothing ever concludes how I expect it to. And being married makes everything worse. I feel worthless because of who I have become. I don't care how many material objects I posess. It doesn't matter. What matters is my obligation to my husband...he whom should know me but doesn't. The ring I wear reminds me of what a liar I am.
And he'll never be able to truely measure my worth.
He'll never know.