Title: Captain Wrongway Screws Up Again and Nameless Ensigns Die and Stupid People Do Stupid Things Just Because They Can and A Few Crewmembers Get Tossed Out The Airlock

Summary: The title says it all...I suppose. There's not much of a plot anyway.

**WARNING!!**: I make fun of some of the people on the show, but rest assured that I don't actually mean it. I absolutely love Star Trek, and this is simply a parody. So don't get mad at me, please. I'm just trying to be funny here... Oh, and if you're not from the US, you might not know who some of the people who "pop in" are.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, and I don't. As much as I would like to have it, it will never happen. However, this story *is* mine, and they can't do much about that. So, I guess it all works out fine in the end.

By Daffnie


Characters (not all appear in the story, and others that aren't mentioned pop in out of no where simply to screw up the plot):

Captain Kathryn Wrongway

Commander Chocolaty

Lt. Commander Tupok

Lieutenant Banana Taurus

Lieutenant Tom Scare-Us

Ensign Hairy Flem

Ambassador Gas-Ex

Seven Eleven

Doctor Namremmiz

Some little annoying girl with a spikey forehead.

Oh, and all those stupid borg kids that have ruined the show's dignity...


Voyager is flying through space on cruise control, and suddenly Lt. Scare-Us hits the brakes. Luckily the ABS is working at peak efficiency (Lt. Banana smiles to herself at her genius mind for making adjustments to the ABS.) Everyone on the ship flies forward, several consoles blow up just for the heck of it, and many no named ensigns towards the back of the bridge drop dead.

Captain Kathryn Wrongway jumps up from her chair.

"What do you think you're doing, Tom?! Kill us all?!"

"There was a puppy in the road. I accidentally hit it."

Wrongway grins and nods in approval. "Very well, Tom. Proceed. If you see any other small animals, be sure to run over them. We can't have an overpopulation here in the middle of no where. That would violate the Prime Directive...somehow. And besides, I'm sure the Vidiian will be following close behind, collecting road kill for skin grafts or whatever other nasty things they use them for. Those are some sick people. They need some good ol' Starfleet discipline drilled into their grafted brains. It'd do 'em good."

In the back of the bridge, Tupok raises and eyebrow.

"Captain. Why are there canines in the middle of Delta Quadrant? And why are you insulting other species because they are experiencing problems of mass proportions?" he inquires.

She scowls at him. "Mr. Tupok, you more than anyone else should understand that things don't make any sense on this show. Come on...you're how old now? About 47 billion years?"

"Yes. Give or take a few days," he responds, goes back to punching random buttons on the panel in front of him, and smiles when they make noise.

Meanwhile, Chocolaty is staring at the view screen, tears streaming down his face. He says a silent prayer for the puppy and runs from the bridge, wailing. On his way to the turbolift, he runs into Dave Thomas, who drops a tray of hamburgers. Dave picks him up and drop kicks him down a flight of stairs.

"What's the matter with the commander?" Scare-Us asks from the helm.

"Beats me," Wrongway responds, then turns to Hairy. "Mr. Flem, scan for any habitable planets near by. The more heavily populated the better. Braga has informed me that we haven't broken the Prime Directive enough times in one episode. We need to get that number up."

Ever-so-cheery Hairy Flem nods enthusiastically, happy that the captain actually noticed he was there. "Yes, ma'am!"

Wrongway rolls her eyes and wanders idly into her ready room. To her surprise, Seven Eleven is reclined in her chair with her 5 inch heeled feet up on the desk. She was laughing at something, but stops when hearing someone coming in. Seven Eleven flies to her feet, but trips. She falls flat on her implanted face. Wrongway laughs to herself as Seven scrambles to get up.

"At ease, Seven Eleven. Oh, and by the way, do you have my Big Gulp for me? I've been craving some Mountain Dew all day."

Getting to her feet, being more careful this time not to trip, she nods. "Yes, Captain. I have your beverage. However, I should point out that Mountain Spew has no nutr--"

"I don't care! If it has caffine in it, I don't care if it's lacking in vitamins, minerals, dilithium, or whatever else. I just want my Big Gulp! NOW!!"

"Geez," Seven says under her breath, then replies, "Here you go." She hands the captain the large foam cup. "Get over your caffine withdrawl symptoms with your nutritionally lacking beverage."

"I will," Wrongway says smugly. "Now get out."

Seven Eleven did just that, and as she leaves, Banana comes in.

"What do you think you're doing, Taurus? Don't you have a job to do somewhere?"

"Captain, I thought I should inform you that the warp core will explode in three minutes."

"That's nice, honey. Now go play. Captain Wrongway needs to rest."

"You don't need to treat me like a child! You always do that! ALWAYS!!!" she screams suddenly and storms out of the room, leaving a trail of fire behind her.

Wrongway laughs to herself. "Klingons. Can't live with 'em, Can't live without 'em...well, actually I could...Banana's not really an essential cast member. Maybe I should throw her out of an airlock or something."

Scare-Us's voice comes on over the comm system.

"Captain, I just thought you would like to know that I ran over another puppy."

Wrongway smiles. "Good work Lieutenant. Keep it up."

She swings her legs on top of the desk and says, "Computer, play Wrongway file 47 47."

The speakers in her ready room suddenly blast with 'Who let the dogs out?' She finally begins to relax after SUCH a hectic day when Tupok steps in.

"Captain, Banana Taurus has requested to resign."

"Good. It's about time. Send her in."

"I feel I should tell you that this is a...delayed request."

"What do you mean?"

"I regret to inform you that she just ate herself. I tried to stop her, but then she bit off my leg. She also left you this." He hands her a rotten banana peel. "I believe it's more of a symbolic message. Or maybe she is suggesting you're garbage."

"Oh well. It's not like I'll miss her. People rarely saw us converse on the show, anyway."

"Very true, Captain."

Just then, Hairy comes barging in.

"Captain! The warp core will explode in one minute! We should evacuate in the escape pods!" he shouts.

Richard Simmons is right on his heels. "Captain, I think you should do as he says."

"Well, if Richard Simmons says so, than by golly I oughta do it!"

She snaps her fingers and everyone is suddenly crammed into one little escape pod.

"How'd you do that?" Banana asks.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Wrongway retorts.

"Yeah, sure. I guess so."

"Oh, alright. Well, to answer your question: I'm really a Q. I just never felt like telling you."

"That's cool," Banana responds. "So will you bring us home?"

*Progressivity is the key to all life's commoninities,* George W. Bush thinks to himself.

"Hmmm...no. I think not. I think I'll bring *me* home and leave all you pitiful excuses for Starfleet officers here in the Delta Quadrant."

Then she snaps her fingers and is gone. Chocolaty starts crying.

"Oh quit your whining, Chocolaty. It's not like you ever had a chance with her anyway," Taurus smirks. "You know she really liked the doctor."

Somewhere in the cramped pod, the hologram smiles to himself at the news.

"She did?" Chocolaty questions, tears filling his eyes. "But I thought she liked *me*!"

"You know Braga never had to guts to hook you two up together. Haven't you been watching lately? They're trying to have you and Seven be an item. And even though I think that's the most repulsive thing in the entire universe, you should be happy. There's no chance that you could've gotten anyone better."

Chocolaty becomes silent, and so does everyone else. Then, Tom raises his nose and sniffs the air.

"What's that awful smell?"

Everybody instantly looks at Gas-Ex who is huddled next to Janet Reno.

"What?" he asks innocently.

"Gas-Ex, did you eat some of that nasty leola root soup again?" Tom demands.

"Yeah, why?"

"You're stinking up the entire pod!"

"Well, it wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't so small!" he yells back.

"Well, it wouldn't be such a problem if you weren't here, Furball!" Taurus says.

They open a hatch and throw him out into space. Tom brings out the champagne and everyone starts to party. Unfortunatly, it is non-alcoholic wine, and so they are all disappointed when they don't get drunk. Once the wine is all gone, however, the pod becomes silent once again.

"This is stupid," complains Hairy. "I'm bored. Isn't there any way to get back to the ship? It never actually exploded, ya know."

"That's a thought. Why hasn't anyone mentioned it before? Maybe we should go back," Kenny Rogers suggests.

A murmur of approval ripples through the pod, and someone starts up the engine. It sputters at first, and they give it a little more gas.

"Hey, since when are these things powered by gas?" some faceless ensign demands.

It doesn't matter. Be quiet. This is a Star Trek story. Plot holes and simple mistakes are common and quite abudant. And don't ever challenge the narrator again because you're replacable.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I must've forgotten."

MmmHmmm. Anyway, back to the story... They give it a little more gas. The thrusters kick in and they fly back to the ship. And they all live happily ever after.


"HEY! Wait just a minute! Isn't there anymore to the story?" Banana asks.


"Come on! Something else has to happen!"

Fine. You all get attacked by canabilistic robots and die. The End.

"Well, that's just as horrible of an ending as the last one. Give it a little more effort."

Ugh. You always want it your way, don't you, Banana? Alright, I'll give you a better ending.

Everybody gangs up on Banana Taurus because she's such an incredibly annoying egotistic freak and throw her out an airlock because it's the only way to make her shut her mouth.

"No, wait!! You can't do that to--" she screams but can't finish her sentence because she is thrown out an airlock. And they all live happily ever after until a vicious pack of space-dwelling camel-ants attacks them and shreds them to tiny pieces.