I've just finished my article on animal cloning run amok -- and it's implications for human beings -- for the latest issue of "The Lone Gunmen". We were able to, er, liberate one of the cloned felines from the lab in which it was created in order to study it at close range. We nicknamed him Copy Cat (CC for short), for obvious reasons, and he seems like a normal kitten to me: he pounces on things, purrs, sleeps in Langley's T-shirt drawer and never listens to a word anybody says to him.
I decide I'd better review the security tapes from earlier this evening before I go to bed. Byers, Langley and I had to leave headquarters to meet with a source. We left Jimmy in charge, which was probably a mistake. When we got back, Copy Cat was still here, but Jimmy wasn't; instead, Mulder, Scully and their daughter were doing the cat-sitting duties. I'd flipped the surveillance cameras on as a precaution, the way I always do whenever I leave the building.
I fast forward through a few minutes of Jimmy sitting in front of the computer, looking bored, 'til he suddenly looks up. I backtrack a few seconds and begin watching.
"Jimmy? You here, honey?" Yves' voice rings out as Jimmy looks up an grins.
"In here, baby; computer room," he hollers back.
Now, I think of Yves as being the kind of woman who would drop-kick any man -- even her lawfully wedded husband -- into next week for calling her "baby". Instead of getting angry, though, she comes hurrying into the computer room, drops down into Jimmy's lap and proceeds to try to suck his tonsils out.
When they eventually come up for air, Jimmy pulls her even closer and buries his nose in her exposed cleavage. I sigh with envy. I'd give ten years off my life to be able to plant my face between Yves' breasts in that manner.
"Mmm! Jimmy, I think you'd better stop."
"Why?" he asks, sounding even more confused than he usually does. "We're married."
"I know but -- mmm!" I can't see exactly what he's doing to cause her to make that sound again; must be out of range of the camera from this angle, "for all we know, all of this is being capture on tape." Damn, the woman knows me too well. "You know how Frohike and Langley are."
"What about Byers?" Jimmy inquires. "He's just as paranoid as those other two are."
"Yeah," Yves agrees, "but he's more a gentleman. If he came across footage of us making out, he'd just delete it. The other two would rewatch it until the tape wore out. Besides, I want to see the kitty."
"He's over there," Jimmy says, nodding to the cat curled up asleep atop the monitor.
Yves crosses the room and retrieves CC, the settles back down in Jimmy's lap. "What are the guys planning on doing with him once they've run the story on cloning run amok?" she asks.
"I don't know. Take him to an animal shelter, I guess," Jimmy replies.
"Oh, no!" she says, looking horrified. "He might be put to sleep. Can't we take him? I've been wanting a kitty, anyway."
"I thought you wanted a baby," Jimmy answers.
"They're not mutually exclusive goals, Jimmy," she says with a slight roll of her eyes. "Kitty cats you just pick up off the streets or from an animal shelter. Babies you get a whole different way. Want me to explain it to you?'
"I don't know," Jimmy says. "You know how difficult it is for me to grasp abstract concepts sometimes. It would probably be better for you to wait 'til we get home. Then you can show me."
Apparently Jimmy isn't quite as dumb as he looks.
Yves laughs and continues to pet Copy Cat, but then leans down and whispers something in Jimmy's ear. He laughs, too, and says, "Yours. Definitely yours."
I have no idea what she just asked him, but maybe it's one of those inside jokes that married couples have that only the two of them get. I've noticed that with Mulder and Scully. There are certain phrases -- like "iced tea" or "small potatoes" -- that cause the two of them to convulse with laughter.
I watch as Yves continues to pet Copy Cat and Jimmy. . .well. . .pets her. There's really no other word for it; he's obeying her instructions not to do anything overtly sexy, but he's running his hand through her hair and down her arms. Both Yves and CC have their eyes closed and they have nearly identical expressions of blissful contentment on their faces. I think they may both be purring.
After a few minutes, Yves opens her eyes and says, "Jimmy, how much longer do we have to stay here?"
"'Til the other guys get back. I promised them I'd stay here and watch CC."
"Do you think they'll be much longer? I'm starting to get. . .hungry," Yves says.
Before Jimmy can answer her, the door buzzer sounds. "Let us in, guys," Mulder demands. "We've got Melissa with us and she wants to see your kitty cat."
"It's us, Fox," Jimmy says, buzzing in our favorite family of feds. Mulder *hates* being called Fox, but he seems to have accepted the fact that it would be more trouble than it's worth to get Jimmy to call him "Mulder".
"Hi, Mrs. Mulder, how are you?" Jimmy says, rising as Scully enters the room. For some reason, Jimmy always acts extremely polite around Scully, as if she were his grandmother's age instead of a near-contemporary. He also calls her "Mrs. Mulder", which isn't even her *name*, for cryin' out loud, but she never seems to mind.
"Hi, Jimmy, Hi, Yves," Scully says.
"Hi, Melissa," says Yves, making a beeline for the toddler in Scully's arms. Her actions tell more more clearly than her words to Jimmy did that she wants one of these of her own.
"Kee cat!" says Melissa, reaching for Copy Cat. Scully and Yves smile and sink to the floor, sitting with Melissa and the kitten between them. There are now two separate conversations overlapping each other on the tape. One, conducted in soft feminine voices, consists of words like "gently" and "fine" and "awww!"; while the other, conducted in deeper timbres, if full of phrases like "playoffs" and "batting averages" and "the position I usually played was".
Eventually, Melissa stands up with Copy Cat in her arms, walks over to her father and says "Lissa kee cat?"
Mulder stops his sports talk in mid-sentence and says, "Er, no. Not Melissa's kitty cat. Frohike's kitty cat. Melissa has a doggy."
"Lissa kee cat," she repeats, then toddles away.
After a few more minutes of idle chatter, Jimmy says, "Hey, we were wanting to go out and grab a bit to eat, but I'm under strict orders not to leave Copy Cat alone and not to take him out. Would you mind staying here and watching him for a bit? It shouldn't be long before the other guys get back."
Mulder and Scully glance at each other and apparently do one of those "unspoken communication" things, because he answers, "Sure, that's not a problem."
As soon as the Bonds have left, Mulder says, "Do you think they're actually going to make it all the way home or just jump each other in the back seat of the car?"
Scully laughs and rolls her eyes as her husband continues with, "Were we ever that bad?"
"Mulder, you're *still* that bad," Scully replies.
Melissa interrupts this conversation by grabbing her mother's leg and saying "Kee cat!" while pointing to the space beneath the bookcase.
"I'll get him," Scully says, getting down on her hands and knees to peer under the furniture. "Here, kitty, kitty."
Mulder, after a quick glance to make sure Melissa's eyes are fixed firmly on the ball of fur eluding her mother's fingertips, crouches down and grasps Scully's butt. I sigh with even heavier envy. I'd give *twenty* years off my life for a chance to play grab ass with Scully. I'm a bit surprised that, after three years of presumably being able to touch virtually whenever he wants, it still presents such an overwhelming temptation for Mulder.
"Here, kitty, kitty -- Daddy, move your hand -- C'mere, kitty. Sit down, Melissa, and you can pet the kitty again."
"Melissa wasn't paying attention," Mulder says as Scully sits down beside him.
"Fox, take a minute and think about where we *are*. Frohike probably has half a dozen different security cameras trained on us at this very moment."
It's said that I understand women so little, yet they understand me so much.
"Lissa kee cat?" she asks again, snuggling up to her father.
"Honey, *this* kitty cat belongs to Frohike," Mulder replies. "Um, maybe someday we can get you a different kitty cat."
"As in you'll be coming h-o-m-e with a c-a-t tomorrow?" Scully inquires.
"What gives you that idea?" Mulder asks. But he has this vaguely guilty expression on his face, as if that's exactly what he planned to do.
"Mulder, you tend to be rather. . .indulgent," she says with a smile.
"Are you implying that I spoil my little girl?" he asks.
"No, Mulder, I'm implying that you spoil your *big* girl and that, since you get me anything I ever express even the slightest desire for, you'll probably do the same for Melissa."
"That's different," he mutters.
"We could ask the guys what they intend to do with CC once they've finished the story. Maybe, if they don't want him. . ."
About that time, Byers Langley and I walk into view. Since I know what happens from here on out, I click off the tape.
CC is curled up in my lap, purring. Well, Mulder and Jimmy may have beautiful wives and beautiful children (or at least hopes of such in the near future). But they're not getting *my* cat.
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