This Is:Rachaels Blog
im an opnionated whore
my life in the month of: March
it's in the past: | February |
Date:Tuesday, March 22nd
Mood:Sick 'n Angry
So I was feelin' fine all weekend. I had a pretty damn good weekend. But my mom had been sick. Sunday night i started feeling very gross => sore throat, hacking cough, achy tired body. I stayed home from school on Monday to rest up, knowing I couldn't miss today because it's the last day before finals. So, of course that means I have to call into work. Yesterday, it was fun. Today, my boss accused me of trying to get out of work since i'm leaving friday for Florida. But it's not even like that. I REALLY am sick. Yesterday I could barely move. Today, I'm lucky I'm here at school. I'm having a hard time just breathing today. At work, I think I would die. But that's okay, I'm quitting. I'm sick of being treated like a delinquent at that stupid place. As soon as I get back I'm putting in my two weeks and finding a new job. I can't wait till I have my own career. Not any half-assed job like cleaning up after the messiest slobs in the universe. AH!
Me and Nick are doing great. I don't really want to go to Florida anymore because I'm going to miss him like crazy. But I know better than anything that I would never do anything to hurt Nick. If I lost him, I'd die. But GOTTA GO! COUGH COUGH!
Date:Wednesday, March 16th
I know I haven't written in a very long time. I haven't had alot to say, really. But I do now. My friends are no longer much of friends. Both of them. Dana expects too much of me. What happend is that Dana's boyfriend Nick left her at his apartment when he went to work. Dana called Jordan and asked if she would sit with her while she sits there waiting for Nick to get off of work. Jordan said she didn't want to because she was going to Troys house. So Dana asked Jordan if she would atleast buy her alcohol before she went out to Troys. Jordan said she couldn't because they didn't have a ride. So Dana told Jordan to call me and ask me to pick both of them up, take them to get alcohol, take Dana to Nicks, Jordan to Troys and then be on my way. WTF IS THAT?!? No thanks! I'm not a taxi driver. That's ridiculous. She expects too much from me. As for Jordan, I told her something that was between us because it was a big deal. VERY big deal. I told her about it so she could report to me if she heard something, but not to actually SAY anything. AT ALL. But what did she do? Told people. One of them a key person, and Dana. WTF?! They both can go to hell. I don't like being taken advantage of and I don't like being lied to. SCREW THOSE BASTARDS.
Date:Thursday, March 10th
Mood:bored as hell
Well, I am SO sick of being in school. I'm bored and I need a cig and I'm getting ansty. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Date:Tuesday, March 8th
Well, I'm sitting here procrastanating (how on EARTH do you spell that word!?) doing my homework listening to some Young Gunz. Yeah, good time. I should be doing my power point presentation but I'm being sad because I can't be with Nick right at this moment. It's odd how much you start to like someone. This guy is the most perfect thing and I think I've been waiting for him for soo long. He's not in a good mood so neither am I. I feel bad because I forgot to say bye on the phone to him because I'm selfish and was mad because he couldn't do anything. What is my problem? Well, I really need to do this homework so I hafta cut this short. Sadly.
Date:Saturday, March 5th
Wow. Alot of emotions stirred in me just yesterday. I'll tell you what happend but you must'nt think he is an asshole at first. Because, this story gets better. MUCH better.
So I had my cute little heart all set on hanging out with Nick last night. So I awaited his call. When it finally came, he seemed in a bad mood. I think it all had to do with his car and it's problems. I'm not sure. But I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he replied just like this: No, thats okay. I'll just talk to you later, bye. I just hanged up and sat there kinda of like, wow! Thats it? Did he not feel the same way? Dana saw how upset I was and decided to call him back to see what his deal might've been. He had no deal, she found out. Ouch. My spirits were shot and everything we continued to do was such a bore to me. I was, sad. Very, very sad. Later on that night he called me, he said he intentions were not to make me feel bad. He just thought he had plans already. I know, then why didn't he just say so? Because, guys are crazy. He said he really wanted to see me in a half an hour, so I waited. (Just so you know, a half an hour is way more reasonable than a few years. Specially at my age.) When I finally met up with him, he looked as sad as I did that I was being completely silent. I wasn't striving for attention, just words. I didn't know what to say or how to act. So I appeared to not say or feel anything. I thought it would of been the safest way to go. Nick's friend Ryan was with us, but after Nicks rendition of 'boy talk' he took Ryan back to his car. I think Nick was going somewhere with this. (No, he didn't want to bang. He's much much more respectful than that. I think he just wanted to be alone. To talk.) We talked for about an hour when Nick saw that he had to be home. He didn't want to leave me yet, he claimed, so I went to his house with him. There we cuddled and laughed and just was together. It was an ineffible feeling. At around 1:30 AM he walked me to my car. He then said 'You know what I think? I think you should be mine.' After I realized I wasn't melted into the floor, I replied, 'okay.' And that was that. He watched me pull out and drive away until I was out of sight.
In conclusion, how can a guy who made me feel like such shit make me feel like such a damn princess just as fast? I don't know. But I like it.
Date:Friday, March 4th
It happend. I am so incredibly happy. I am so extremely excited about the rest of my weekend. The beauty of it all, he actually finds me beautiful? How? Why, when I look into the mirror, I see a plain not-so beautiful girl. But, I guess, when he looks at me he sees something entirely different. But how? Are we seeing the same image? Or am I distorting the one of myself because I can't fine the confidense to agree on how I look. I don't know, but I guess as long as he likes it then nothing can turn out to bad. I've been so afraid of losing him. His touch, his voice. It's all so exhilierating. I get butterflies when I think of him. I haven't felt butterflies in a looong time.
When he first walked up to me that one day in Hy-Vee, it changed my life soo much. It may not seem like a big deal, but before it I was wondering if anyone could look at me like he used to. And I was wondering if I could look at anyone like I used to look at him. And I can. And it feels better than I've ever felt before. Before that day, I thought that I would be lonely for a long time. That I was going to find anyone to be mine, to hold me, to tell me how incredibly beautiful I am. The only time I feel so beautiful is when he tells me. Other than that I just compare my thighs to hers, or my hair to hers, or my nose and my face, or my clothing. What is the matter with me? Why am I so ungrateful? I am not ugly and I know, but why do I try to push myself to be more perfect. Nobodys perfect.
I love it most when he looks deep into my eyes. That shows that he is actually seeing more than whats outside. I know how hard I am to read, and It's because I'm so withdrawn. I so afraid to get close to anyone in fear or losing them or losing interest. I don't want to hurt anyone, and it's still so hard to let him go. But I know with how happy I feel now, it just has to get better.
Date:Thursday, March 3rd
Alot was said last night, none of which I feel tempted to put on here though. As I stared deeply into his eyes, I was trying so hard to see how he felt. And as he stared back at me, I could feel it. I could feel how extremely happy this guy could make me. In his eyes I saw all the feelings I have been holding back, I saw the great times I could be having, and I saw a flicker which meant that he looked at me in pride, not in just contentment. It was a beautiful moment. Maybe not everybody is as poetic as I am about these little things, but to me it's just the beauty of life. And yet I'm trying so hard to help him let me go, because it is over. I could tell that I wanted it to be that way after looking in those beautiful eyes.
Sometimes It feels like life is so unfair to me, the way that I get tossed around and the feelings they make me feel. Why can't I be normal? Who in the hell invented the sole temptations that I have to deal with everyday? Should I smoke? Should I have sex? Should I drink and drive? Should I steal? Should I stay out late? It's getting alot harder to be cool now-a-days. At first when you rebeled it was cool. But now we have all these straight-edged kids, and jesus freaks, so how are we supposed to relate? We all hate each person who decides not to agree with us, so how can we prove any point? If we run around hating the people who don't see it how we do, then how can we teach them anything? People just don't make alot of sense to me. Before, it was way cool to get an A+ on a paper. It was hot to be smart. Now, if you correct someone or get all the answers you get to be a brainiac, nerd, or geek. Now, if you act like you don't know what you are supposed to do or like you know the answer, then you are accepted. ......WHAT?! When did this slowly change before my eyes? Urbanites is not the right word, but its the first word that comes to mind. Kids these days are doing anything from smoking weed, to punching out their best friend from kindergarten to be cool. In conclusion, I find all you desparate people stupid. Stupid, lost, pointless. Sellout isn't the right word but it's the first word to come to mind. BE YOURSELF!
Date:Wednesday, March 2nd
So last night was kind of pathetic. I spent my whole day at school and work thinking about Nick, and then after work I talked to him on the phone until I was too sleepy to speak. I don't know what is happening to me, but I kind of like it. It's wierd, I'm all screwed up inside, but it's actually nice. Anyways, I've start reading this book called =The Door to December= by Dean Koontz. It's an amazing story so far, I'm getting into it hardcore. I usually can't get into many books, but this ones a keeper. It's about a girl who was kidnapped by her OCD father who was a pchyitrist who was being the gueanea pig to her fathers sick expirements which left her almost autistic. After that, I haven't read too much further. But I will don't you worry. I have nothing else to add for now, except Dana thinks she may be pregnant. She called me last night asking me to go buy her a pregnancy test, the early detecting ones, because she wants to see if its for real. Nick, HER boyfriend (because we both have Nicks, funny huh?), doesn't even care. He WANTS to have a child with Dana. SO he's kinda excited. Adios.
Date:Tuesday, March 1st
I've never actually met a guy like this Nick guy. When I am with him I feel so glamorous and beautiful. He makes me feel like the cutest thing ever. He brought me a rose on saturday, and left me a note in my car. Now all I want is him to like me, alot. When I'm not with him I am thinking of him. When I'm with him I just want the moment to last forever. As if writing his name would make the time go by untill I see him again. Yet, I'm compulsive and decide that I'll never be funny, or pretty, or entertaining enough for him. I just want to be enough but I'm so terrified I'm not. If I lose this guy, all hope of love after Anton is gone. I have to move on, I have to be strong. I have to be prepared for whatever college and all that brings me. Right now i'm working through the OCD and the stomach problems and trying to be normal. I am not normal, I feel more than the average girl. I understand guys more than they think. I don't know how I did it, but I can instantly get a guy on my side if I tried. I'm just worn out of trying so damn hard to be everybodys everything. It's like running and endless marathon that I know I'll never win. HA! So cliche.
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