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Dmg † †h Bn

06/03/05

Emo in a box.
Moving again. I know what you're thinking. "I thought we already tried this." Well, this time might be different. Everyone has lost interest in me. Oh well. I guess it'll be better. I can get my mind off Todd. Who by the way, I think hates me. He only says like 3 or 4 words. Then stops talking to me. Fuck it. I give up on that. Because he's just being a stupid..er..He's just being all dumb and uncaring. Whatever. I don't care..But, you know I do. So whatever. I got in a fight with Glenn over Josh, because Josh is an asshole..and yeah..The only people who ever seem to want to talk to me anymore are xavier, becka, and matt. Whatever. They are freaking awesome friends. Everyone else is just...I don't know. Ima go. Bye.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 2:44 PM EDT
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06/01/05

BEWARE OF CAT
Mood:  down
Wow. Today sucked. Really bad. See my dad called my uncle, and left a message for me, and I was over there this morning..and It said "You'll never make it anywhere in life, Amy, you're hopeless." Yeah, and that hurt pretty bad. Then I got to school..and threw up a lot..so I came home. Ever since then..I've just been completely off..I can walk straight..my vision is sort of blurry, but whatever. Maybe it's because of being all confused about me and todd..or maybe it's because of what my dad said..or all of it..I don't know. At C.J's house I was there for practice with the "nameless band" you know..and I really sucked..I kept messing up..so they told me to go home..and we'll try again friday..so yeah..I don't know..Ima go. Bye.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 6:33 PM EDT
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05/30/05

..Nothing can take away these blues..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Stereophonics - Nothings compares to you
Uh..so it's been about...an hour..yep..and hour and like 10 minutes i've been crying..Yeah..I like beckas way of living..alcohalic mom, who smokes, and gets abused..Uhh..I hate life..Me and Todd fight..like everyday now..it fucking sucks..I dont know what to do anymore...nothings funny...i swear i havent smiled yet today..ugh..alright..i'll try to explain this..all i have to do is say one word..and me and todd fight..I hate it..Everything I say or do is wrong..I must try to hard..I just want him back..but I don't think he feels the same..and sometimes i think he does..I don't know..Im so confused..I dont know how to feel..all Im sure of is that I love him...a lot..But..it's sad..because he has to take time to think about it..Uh...fuck it..I'm going to go..and be miserable..because I give up...Im such a fucking bitch..and I hope I die..

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 7:54 PM EDT
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05/29/05

Hey Dick.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Fall Out Boy - Grand Theft Autum
Meh. Yeah, so I'm bored, and Todd went offline..because he's like "it seems like you don't really want me around" and blah blah blah..But I really do..Just..okay hang on..I'll show you..

fuck..nevermind..i can't..fucking msn history..Well..I'll tell you then..

He's like..every things falling apart..and I'm like what is..and hes like..me and karli.. Normally you'd think he'd be happy, since the way he was putting it..he didn't want to be with her..but now i feel like shit..because it seems like he does like her..and fuck..it really fucking sucks! I love him so damn much..really..i fucking do! and i lost him..and it's like..he says he wants to go out with me..but i really think he likes her..and i feel bad for stepping in..and wanting to be with him..i feel like..it's my fault every things going wrong with him and her..and basically it is..I wish I wouldn't love him so much..that way they wouldn't be "falling apart"..god i am such a sucker..I'm just so fucking in love with him! ah god..it's all my fault..I want to be with him..but I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him..I'm trying to be SO happy he's my friend..but how can i be happy..when it seems like thats all he'll ever be? damnit..i should stop complaining..I'm lucky he still talks to me..i did break his heart..like..i don't know..a lot. I'm SO FUCKING STUPID!!

This song reminds me of me and todd..i don't know why..it just desribes almost everything..

The Transition

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 3:57 PM EDT
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05/28/05

Free hugs for 50 cents
Now Playing: Something Corporate - Fall
Hi blog..WELL change of plans, all I'm going to say is, hitch-hiking..yeah NOT FUN. Todd is gonna leave me..and not come online anymore..sad huh? Yeah..He's not really talking to me..but I hope he decides to stay..err..God. Stupid Karli..she's so fucking stupid..and the sad part is I've never talked to her and I already hate her! Er, I can't stop throwing up..or maybe I just don't want to. I found a new place to cut so it's less noticeable..lower waste, upper thigh..yeah..so me and glenn have been cutting a lot..it's not scaring though..whatever..nothing good is happening..I'm going to go I guess..later

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 3:46 PM EDT
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05/23/05

BLOG! I MISSED YOU!
Now Playing: OK Go - Get Over It
Well, I have some things to tell you. I'm now moving in three days, the 26. Because it got changed and everything. But yeah, Oh well. That's really all I wanted to say, I'm really sort of depressed, but I always am. So, I'm off to go be depressed. Bye.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 7:27 PM EDT
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05/11/05

So long, and good night.
Mood:  not sure
Hi blog, and fellow blog readers. This is my farewell blog. I'm moving to Denver, Colorado on June 4th. I figured I'd do this now. So anyone who wasn't included could tell me and i'd add them to my list. All right I have somethings to say [No specific order.]:

Melly - I love you so much! I can't imagine life with out you, it's going to really suck. I'll miss you and your blonde moments so much. You'll have to come visit me..ALL THE TIME.

Johnny B. - Dude, you fucking rock! It's going to be hard making new skating buddies, and trying to find someone who actually understands me. I'll miss you a lot. You're an awesome guy.

Nathan - Umm. No comment.

Alexis - I'm going to miss you so freaking much girly! I won't have anyone to be crazy with anymore. Forever and Always my sexah queen.

Laura - It's gonna be real hard saying bye to you, you've been a great friend and really understanding. You've talked me out of stupid things, and we've had a lot of laughs. Come to Denver and we'll make our movie!

Dana - You rock. I can't imagine things with out you. You helped me out of my really sucky habbits. I'm glad you were there for me. And the purple hippo will always be on my mind. [P.S.You're sexy lol]

Matt - You're a lovable asshole, you're so fucking rad though, and Becky will miss you just as much as i will.

James - I raped you! You're the best. I'm going to be music-lonely. But no matter what, I'll always be the biggest JAD fan.

Xavier - There was a long period of time we didn't talk, but I'm glad we finally got to talk again. You're the awesomest person i know! I'll call you sometime =P.

Becka - I've just recently got to talk to you again, but it's been great. We've had great convos. I will definitly miss you A LOT!

Tom - Sorry we fighted all that time. It was great when we didn't. I'm glad we worked things out. I'll love ya always!

Punky - where ever the hell you are. STAY THERE.

Todd - Wow. Things were great..for the longest time. All I can remember is the good times, and how great I felt when I was with you. I'll miss you a lot. Sorry we had to fight..Sorry I hurt you, I never meant it. But I'm glad you are happy now. You were a great boyfriend. I'm sorry I fucked it up. You're an awesome friend. Just wish we could talk more. Guess we grew apart a lot. I still have crazy feelings for you. Even if you're with whoever you're with, I'll always love you. I'm sorry for waisting your time. And I'm sorry I was a dissapointment. I love you so much.

Tessa - You are a crazy daughter of a whore. I love you and your style. I'll miss you.

Mish Mish [KD, Liz] - I love you a lot girl! I'm gonna miss you soooooooooooo much. Good luck with the ladies =P

Tammy - If and when you ever come one, I want you to know it was great having you as a friend, and it really sucks you moved so i can't really talk to you anymore. But you're awesome, and I already miss you.

Ryan - Your flower was the bomb. Going to miss you and your chapped lips.

MSN Cody - Haha. Dude I MISS YOU! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! You were awesome. I bet you still are..But sadly I wouldnt know, because YOU'RE NEVER ONLINE! lol

Cody M. - You are a great skateboarder..you and Ryan win that competition for me alright. I know you can do it. <3 you!

Tito - Well, it was fun flirting with you. But as they say all good things come to and end. No offense. But it really wasnt all that good.

MSN Ryan - As of today I only met you yesterday. You're pretty cool, good taste in music. But dude, H.H. isn't the only great band out there.

Mike - Thanks for teaching me practacally everything I know. Don't know how I'd get this far if it wasn't for you. Come visit me, or give me a call at my dads when I get there. We'll meet up and play some heavy drumage [haha.]

Steve - Go M. Win the football games, and keep the cool hair.

Robert - It really sucked when I had to pretend to be your girlfriend, but other then that, it's been an awesome year with you.

Marshmallow - I love you a lot. You are so awesome. Going to miss shopping with you and Melly. Come visit me. Lots of Sex =P

Melissa M. - You are one sexy daughter of a slut. I almost went bi for you. Just kidding. Going to miss starting mosh pits with you.

Kyle - You're my short little buddy. And, it's going to suck because everyone in Denver is going to be taller then me.

Nichole-le-o - It's sad, that I have to leave you. We've had some good times. It'll be real quiet without you. I'll never forget the cap.

Chad - Football is dirty like your dad. Haha. You're awesome. Going to miss getting down and dirty in the feild.

Tad - YOU BLONDE! You rock. I'll always be there to tie your shoes if you tie mine first. love you!

Corey - You're messed up...a lot.

Dakota - Keep your pants on. I'll miss you hugs, and your sex. [Just kidding about the sex everyone..never touched him]

David - are you alive?

Pat - You really suck at tennis. I'm going to miss you, you whore.

Mando [Amanda] - You and T need to stay together for..EVER lol. You were fun ;).

J - Hmm. I love my ABC's. I will never sing "Animal Crackers in My Soup" the same again.

Josh - I'll miss you a lot dude. You were so cool. Then you feel inlove with G. And now you're even cooler. R.I.P. G.I. Amy. *sigh*

Jeremy - Soccer is cool with you on the team. Your hair is pretty cool. But lay off the crack. It's not 4/20 anymore dude.

Mike S. - I can't belive I got a free rubber duck from you. Even though I never gave you head, you can still pretend like I did.

Rach - Keep a look out for hot guys. It's only another Andrew lol.

Chip - Well, you rock. It's simple. I'll miss "it".

Miller, Lauren - You stole my shirt. You pulled my hair. You called me names. You stole my pencil. You cheated off my test. You stole my homework and called it yours. Fuck, I love you girl.

Eric - I own your curly red hair, or maybe it's orange, I really dont care, it's mine. <3

Fellow blog readers - Thanks a lot for reading my blog. You guys/girls really rock. I'm sorry you had to put up with my whining. But, Whether this is your 1st or 23rd time reading my blog, thanks for taking the time. <3

Everyone That I didn't put in here, tell me, so I can put you in. I feel bad if I left you out, but my minds on other things right now. I love you all..Well..most of you. I'll miss you like crazy. Hope you'll miss me too. Bye. <3

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 6:17 PM EDT
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05/08/05

Your lipstick, his collar, don't bother, Angel, I know exactally what goes on.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Taking Back Sunday - 'Cute Without The E'
Meh. I'm so depressed..I'm so inlove with todd..and he's so in love with Karli. God, I hate it. In his opinion..im stupid..or maybe he said i was dumb..or maybe it was both..i don't really remeber..Nathan is skating outside my house, he knows i have to come out sometime..He still doesnt get why i broke up with him..I dont even love him..Ah, I want to be with todd so bad..but i know it's not happening..meh. I'm going to go now..bye

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 4:25 PM EDT
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05/07/05

It's a lie. A kiss with open eyes.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Jimmy Eat World - 'Pain'
Blah Blah Blah..this is so stupid..today was fun..alright i'll tell you everything i did today. Today was the UFM, so I went to that..and I got there and i went to Nicholes and she was still sleeping so i threw rocks at her window..and she still didnt wake up..so i paid tristan (her brother) a dollar to go get her..and the he came back and he's like "she's taking a naked shower"..lmao that was funny..So i talked to Tristan for a while..and he's like 6 lol and he said he's going to get his ears pierced..and he's like "Brittney Spears is hot"..lol and then Glenn walked across the street and we were talking..then my cousin lindsay came there..and we were all waiting for nichole..and finally after a half hour she came out..And were dared glenn to eat a mouth full of easy cheese. And she did. Then I went to the park and i was playing football with Chad..that was fun. Then me, lindsay, nichole, and glenn went to the one place..and we were running around doing nothing..And then we decided we were all going to put our hair infront of our faces and tie it there so it looked like we had beards..and Then we did, and we were walking down the street and people were staring..and this little girl goes "Hey mommy look at the men!" that was so freaking hilarious..and then we went in the camper thing and we were playing Yatzee..and I didnt know how..and Lindsay goes..Do you even know how to play Yatzee..I'm like OF COURSE I KNOW HOW TO PLAY YATZEE..WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE..A NATZI..lmao..and that was so funny..and the people walking by the camper were like staring at us..and im like im secretly a man..and i was rubbing my leg..lol it was funny..and then my other cousin dan was there and we talked to him for a while..and that was gay..and this guy had fish pants..and i went up to him..and im like hey dude where did you get your pants? and he goes.."Oh, hello there young lady. Oh, these pants, well I remember I got them a few years back." lmao..and i had to listen to that ALL day..the we were spying on people with bonoculars..that was funny..and I was looking through the bonoculars and nathan came up behind me and grabbed my waist..oh my..that was scary..then he hugged me..he's like "I broke up with my girlfriend..blah blah blah.."..so yeah he was hugging on me the whole time..and i was walking around with him..and there was this bike for sale..and i got on it..and rode it around..lol and brought it back..and the lady was SO pissed..then sam gave me a free lemonade..cuz she was making them..so i got one free..then we went to my grandmas house..and we were sitting in the front yard on these chairs..and nathans pushed mine over..so i fell lol and glenn caught me though..so that was cool..and lindsay put her sock in my face..so i spat on her..and she spat on my face..it was gross..lol..OI! and glenn bought a plant for mothers day..and she got it for 5 dollars..and i took out the thinger..and it said 2.69 lol so that lady ripped her off so bad!! it was funny..and i was wearing my bathing suit..so nathans like "amy!!! i wanna see your bathing suit"..so i took off my clothes..and he was like ooooooo lol then i put my clothes back on..and he's like we should go in my hottub..so me glenn nichole and nathan went in the hot tub..and then glenn got cold..so she got out..and jason came over..(nichole's boyfriend) and nathan was kissing my neck again..i swear..he needs to stop that..but yeah and even though it's a hot tub..i got really cold..so i was sitting on nathan..and he had his arms around me..and i was showing him my belly button ring..and he said it was sexy lol..then he said he wanted to lick my stomach..and that was SO weird..but i let him..lol i think he was enjoying it..and i got really really cold..so i got out..but there were no towels cuz they were all inside..and we couldnt go in the house wet..it's like nathans mom's rule..so i was just sitting there like freezing to death and then nathan layed down next to me..so i layed on him lol..and he put his hands under the strings of the back of my bathing suit..so yeah that was sexual..but i got up like 12 or something minutes later..cuz my bathsuit was dry..so i put my clothes back on..and then me and nathan and jason and nichole..and glenn were all walking..and nathan was holding my hand..and yeah..that was kinda weird..but yeah and then i put a price tag on my forehead..and it said $15.00 and nathan bought me..but yeah that was sorta dumb..and then i was outside and i was walking by my self..because nathan and jason..and chad..and mark were all behind me..like a bjillion feet..but then i was talking to chelsea..and yeah i went down the little slide!! it was fun..and i wanted to climb the tree but i was too short..and yeah..i got tired..and i was laying in the grass..ans chad sat on my stomach..and that hurt loland nathan pushed him..but he still didnt move..so i licked my hand and rubbed it on his cheek..lol then he got up..and i was sitting on the swing thigny..and nathan was on the one next to me..and he kept kicking rocks at me..so i picked one up and threw it at him..and it hit his chest..he's like KISS IT AMY!..so i did..and then i was playing in the sand box..that was so much fun! and it was really sunny out..so i sat in the shade..and Jasons like..you know amy..if you were actaully in the sun you could get a tan..and i was like..SO..and then nichole was sitting on me..lol then i made her get up..and i sat on her..and nathan and jason we like njoying that..it was odd..then my shoe got dirty..and i was sad..lol and nathan took my flip flop and put it under the water...and he's like..THERE now it's clean..im like no nathan..no it's wet lol..so we switched shoes..he's got big feet lol..then when my flip flops were dry..he gave them back..and we went in nicholes house..and we were watching this really weird alien show..and i was sitting next to nichole and jason..and nathan was on the other side..and he's like im all lonely now..so i went and sat by him..and i got tired..so i guess i fell asleep for like 10 minutes..and then when i woke up jason was gone..and nichole was sleeping on my leg..LOL..and nathan was outside..so i woke nichole up..and we went outside..and i was laying on nicholes deck and nathan was sitting next to me and he was rubbing my back..and then Nichole had to take tristan to get his ear pierced..so me and nathan were holding hands and we were gonna go get a drink..but then we saw josh and jeremy..so we talked to them for a while..and Josh was all jealous..because i was holding nathans hand and not his..lol that was funny and then Josh and Jeremy walked away..and i was walking like 2 feet a head of nathan and i picked this flower outta the ground and gave it to nathan..lol and he put it in his hair! lol..he's like How do i look?..im like SEXY..then i was leaving..and he hugged me..for like 5 minutes..lol so then i finally left..but yeah today was pretty cool..yep..well i was talking to todd..and he's like hold me..im like why?..he's like because..and im like why though..he's like because i miss you..and im like well i've been here the whole time..he's like i mean as a girlfriend..and i tried to tell him there was nothing i could do about it..because i cant breaking him and karli up..and he got all pissed..and now he's watching t.v. or whatever and his msn name is "{Watching t.v. karli message me when u get online and ill message u back ASAP}"..GOD I HATE KARLI! er im so fucking jealous of her!..well im gonna go now..so i'll post later tonight..or tomorrow

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 7:20 PM EDT
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05/06/05

Ugh. Pissed
Mood:  don't ask
UGH! im so fucking pissed..damnit..god..this is SO GAY! todd told me he loved me and shit..BUT HE'S STILL WITH KARLI! damnit fucking god! that pisses me off SO BAD!! ugh i wanna die so baddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd..ugh fucking damnit..im gonna go..this sucks SO BAD!!

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 9:44 PM EDT
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05/05/05

Seperate we never will be
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: CKY - 'Attached At The Hip'
Alright my day was okay, alright, I'll tell you in order. So, first when i woke up..i threw up like 5 times..because i'm still not used to being with out Todd and stuff. So yeah, then I let astro, and tobi outside..and tobi got caught on astro's chain..so i had to fix that. Then, I got in the shower and got dressed, and drove to school. And, I was walking to my locker and Tito was standing at my locker..and that was gay he just wanted to walk me to class..but I said no. So, I got my books and went to art..and Ryans flower was really ugly..and im like i drew a better flower then you, he's like yeah you did. And, we were making fun of Mrs. S saying she had a dick, and he husband sucked dogs for quaters. Yeah, that was funny, and I went to second period..and nothing exciting happened in there, steven flicked a note at me..and that hurt. Okay, then I went to 3rd period..and got 10 percent off my plant thinger, cuz I forgot to label something, and then Dan was walking by and he said lets have kinky sex..or something like that i dont know. And Rachel told me to sign up for soccer, so i did. And then going to forth period..Dakota hugged me..and had his arms around my waist..and it was weird, because I dont know. and then I got to forth period, and I was helping Shane, Mitchell, and Ricky do there one project, and I had to go to the Cafeteria to deliver this check thing for Mrs.C and Chelsea was like hey..and I talked to her about Nathan for like five minutes. Shes like he really really likes you..and blah blah blah. SO yeah I went back to forth period..and I wrote todd on my folder and things..but then i erased it because i remembered he was with karli and stuff and yeah..so then 5th & 6th period..i was talking to marc and it was cool..and Mr.B let a kid teach for the day..and everyone was being really bad..SO i dropped my book to make them shut up..and im like OOPS! i dropped my book..and everyone was laughing..oh well..and tad and johnny b. and me were all wearing the same etnie shirt..it was funny..so every thought that was cool..it looked better on me then it did on johnny be and tad, they agreed..and then i went to 7th and 8th period..and I was talking to Ryan and he was singing that coke lime song..and im like ugh shut up..and the Rosealine, she's new to the school..and she doesnt speak english or read english..so i was translating for her all day, and im going to have to for 20 more days. and I was at my locker again at the end of the day, and josh gave me the M.M. cd..and Nathan hit me in the ass with the end of his gutair, and then he hugged me and asked me out, and I said yes, and we were kissing and stuff, and we were walking through the halls and he had his arms around my waist..and he was standing against the white wall at the exit and i stood infront of him and he pulled me closer and put his hand in my back pockets..and everyone kept calling us cute..lol..and then i went home..and Tito was in the devolpment turn around, cuz I was waiting for Nathan, and he was all pissed at me because I said yes to nathan..so he isnt talking to me now. And then Nathan got there and we were talking..and petting my dogs and he was sitting on my bed (OoOo) and i kissed him and we were watching mtv and i was sitting on his lap and stuff..and then he was kissing my neck..But yeah, not going to go into any more detail with what happened..and yeah we kissed and cuddled..and he went home..It made me happy..and he's in all my classes except 8th and 7th period..so i get to see him a lot..but yeah im gonna go now..bye byes

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 5:45 PM EDT
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05/04/05

Boys..What to do?
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: OK Go - 'What to Do'
Meh, Im meant to be alone. Matt dumped me. James practically hates me. Me and Todd will never be together. I don't like Tito like he likes me. It really sucks. Maybe things will get better, but they never do. So much for my lucky "buddah string"..I knew that thing was gonna suck. Might as well take it off and throw it away. Meh, I'm bulimic. Atleast it's not cutting right, throwing up after I eat isn't as bad as making myself bleed. Don't you think so? Everytime I want to try and work things out with todd..he never wants to talk..I give up..I just completely give up. Well, bye.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 7:32 PM EDT
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Dye Buying
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Used - 'Take it Away'
Hi!..Well today was really funny..I was flirting with Tito all day..cuz I don't know why, it was fun though..and he's like.."oh my god amy i love you" lol it was funny..and i sat on him..cuz hes like amy we should make out and im like noo i have a boyfriend..and he was preteding to be all sad and stuff..lol so i sat on him and hugged him..And then I was walking through the hall with him..and i like tripped on the broom thinger..and i got up and tito was staring at my ass..im like woah..lol so i hit him..he said it felt good lol..And yeah Todd's all sad cuz Karli might be moving and he wont get to talk to her for like a year maybe..I don't know..but yeah I feel bad for him and her..even though im really jealous of her..But yeah, I'm trying for todd..I really am..I'm trying to be better around him..and not get jealous..and mad and stuff..it's hard but im really trying..and Jamies is gonna come over and bring Wes..and Tito is coming tooooooooo..that will be fun..I was going to go out with James..but he got mad cuz I was going out with matt..so yeah we arent gonna go out..oh well..WELL I was talking to Todd..but i think he hates me..he doesnt talk to me anymore..*sigh*..it really sucks..Oh well..OI! I slapped patrick today..im like get your ass off my leg..lol and he was like rubbing his ass on me..so i slapped him..and OMG!! Glenn and Nichole-le-o were getting drinks from the water fountain..and it was funny..cuz they were making all these weird faces, and glenn was moving her head back in forth..lmao it was hilarious..AND then Tito came up behind me and scared me like really bad..lol and then he put his arms around my waist for like 5 minutes..I dunno it was weird..and Megan and Mike were walking threw the halls holding hands going to 5th period..and Titos like AMY!! hold my hand..so i did..and bethany got a detention for PDA! lmao that was funny..and today was devins birthday (omg he's so hot)..im likes SO! what do you want for your b-day..and hes like sex..im like sorrrry..and titos like NO and he got kinda pissed..i think he thinks he owns me..I don't know..so i gave Devin a dollar..LOL and a hug..and a pencil i found on the ground..well yeah im gonna go wait for tito and jamie and wes and talk to todd maybe..bye byes!

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 5:31 PM EDT
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05/01/05

Gun shots are what I hear
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: The Used - 'Take it Away'
Ugh, well hmm as you know me and todd have been broken up for 8 days. He's with Karli. He's happy with Karli. And me, well I'm alone. I'm all alone in this fucking mess. It hurts. Really bad. He wont even talk to me. He has me blocked. I never thought it would end up like this. I got hurt, and so did he. But atleast he can move on. 4 months is a fucking long time to waste. I wasted his time. I wasted Karlis time. I feel miserable. Hopefully like Matt said..the pain will go away. But, for now, it's staying. Well, I have to go now. I have to go find my life, because it's obviously not with Todd. Words really hurt. Atleast cutting is painless. Well bye.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 2:20 PM EDT
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04/30/05

I'm back.
I got kicked off for a week. So sorry for not keeping you updated..well im gonna go now. I miss todd..yeah well nevermind..BYE!

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 2:11 PM EDT
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04/24/05

I can't stand to hear you scream
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Used - 'Listening'
Yep. Me and Todd broke up yesterday. He's going out with Karli..and yeah nothing to say about that. It's not like i dont wanna be with him. Just everytime I am with him...we fight and shit. I guess it's not even worth it anymore. I added two more cuts to the collection on my wrist..hurt really bad this time. Todd's online..but we aren't talking..we were fighting..then we were getting along..and now we just aren't talking..Johnny B is being mean. Oh well. Justin asked me out and i said no..then Nick asked me out to get back at Justin for asking me out..and I said no to him..god i hate people..I'm going to be single for the rest of my life..Yay..not..Yeah well this is kind of gay..I love Todd and stuff..but now he's with Karli..and yeah oh well..we can't really even be together if we tryed..lalala Lauras online now..maybe i'll talk to her..or maybe not..i dont really feel like talking..im gonna put an away message..there..blah blah blah this sucks..im gonna cut again maybe..then i'll have 4 cuts..and prolly 5 soon. Well im gonna go be stupid and alone..bye byes




Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 3:44 PM EDT
Updated: 04/24/05 3:46 PM EDT
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04/23/05

Lose yourself inside my promise land
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: New Found Glory - Over the Head Below the Knees
Okay wow..now im just really confused..i broke up with todd..maybe..ugh i dunno im confused..really..well i dont even know what to write because im so confused about this all..oh well bye then i guess.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 7:39 PM EDT
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04/16/05

If my worlds gone, then it's already too late.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Gatlin - 'Revenge'
Okay, so. Hi. Been a while since I've posted, but theres a reason for that. I'll fill you in. Okay, well if you read my last post you'll see I was having "boy problems". Well me and Todd broke up not too long ago. He's got a new girlfriend, Brooke. She was in one of my posts already. I'm not too happy about it, but it's his life. It just really bothers me he told me he loved me, when he asked her out. Oh well, doesn't matter now. We aren't like fighting or anything. So, I guess it's okay. In the mean time. Matt keeps telling me he loves me. I'm allowed to say it back now, so thats good, but I don't really mean it. I don't really want to be with anyone right now. You can't get hurt if you're alone right? Well, some other people told me they loved me. Not mentioning anyone specific. But, enough of that, it's in the past I guess. So, right now, alot of things are going on. I have to kill my dog, because he has a disease that costs alot of money to fix. So, thats sad. And Nathan asked me out. I like Nathan alot, as a friend I mean. He's awesome he's been my skating buddy forever. He's practally like my brother, so I can't really say yes. Maybe some day though. My band, which is currently nameless, needs a new vocalist. I've posted signs all over school, and all around the town. So far, Nathan, Drew, and Chad are the only ones who have noticed the signs. So therefore thats not working out well. No ones online who I really want to talk to. Some one should come online, perferably Matt, Xavier, Todd, or Nichole-le-o. Well, I'm going to go. This time I'll try harder to keep you updated.

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 1:45 PM EDT
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04/11/05

I didn't cheat..I don't think..
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: New Found Glory - 'Understatment'
First off I'd like to say it's NOT my fault..I only said what happened to be on my mind..and that just happened to be "i love you"..but it's not really..ALL my fault..he said it first..when i say he..i mean matt..and for whoever reads this and doesnt know who matt is..(my ex before todd)..oh and btw im back with todd..but i dont know how long that will be..yeah and i told matt i loved him..=|..i didn't mean too..he was just being SO sweet..and saying stuff that meant alot to me..and he showed he actually does care..like okay i'll tell you the whole story

I took and OD and i cut..im not sure why..i guess i was just feeling pressured..and stuff..So you see..I told todd i took and OD..and he got mad kinda sorta..but i seem to have left out the tiny detail i cut too..and he doesnt know that..Yeah so a while after i told him..about an hour or so i told laura i took and OD and i cut..shes not talking to me now..SO at that point i ended up talking to matt..and he asked if i was okay..and i said no..and he asked why..so eventually i told him..and he made me get offline and go somewhere for help..I said i didnt want to..but he said he didn't care..and he said something along the lines of this "i don't know what i'd do if you dont make it through this, there would be no one to listen to my bullshit and if you were hurt i'd probably end up killing myself"..yeah so something like that..and i said thanks matt for caring..it's good to know someone does..and then i told him i loved him..did i mean it?...I think i did..well yeah he said he loved me too..and then i went offline..

The problem here is..I cant keep telling two people i love them..I have to choose..and thats going to be REALLY hard..I love Todd..he's great..and we've been really close now that we got back together..and then theres Matt..I have a history with him already..but he's been real sweet lately..and we've been getting along..i know it might sound strange..but i really DO love them both..I dont want to hurt anyone in this..by staying with todd im hurting matt..and by going with matt im hurting todd..maybe i shouldn't go with ethier..that would make the most sense..but I honestly dont like being alone..i can't stand it..i dont want to be away from ethier..but im not sure at this point i want to be with ethier of them..all of this is really just confusing me right now..hopefully it will all blow over..but with my luck..it wont..all this is making sick..and my cut hurts..surprizingly i made it through the OD though..so thats good..or is it..well i think im going to go..nethier todd or matt is online now..that might be a good thing..or it might be a bad thing..im not sure..well i'll try to keep you more updated..bye

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 4:26 PM EDT
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04/02/05

»-Single-->
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Driven Under
Well..I'm single i broke up with todd..and yeah..not much to say about it..just happened..hopefully he'll find someone better..someone he can get along with and stuff..yeah well im going to go for now..SO i'll post sometime later...

Love, †hé ƒ*üþ at 4:45 PM EST
Updated: 04/02/05 4:49 PM EST
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