More B-day stuff
Topic: bad news
For my birthday celebration my family and Sandy went to meet my grandparents in Georgia to eat at the Olive Garden, (my favorite resturant). We were going to go to this big-ass mall afterwards but Kirk ruined it. We snuck over there during the like 2 hour wait for a table and Kirk decided to get caught stealing a necklace from Spencer's. He had money to pay for it and everything, too - I guess he's just klepto. Mall security led him out of the store in handcuffs and everything. Now he has to go back to Georgia to go to court. He's so stupid. Anyways, because of that, we didn't get to go to the mall afterwards. Totally sucked. Oh, and last night I tried to dye my hair by myself and totally fucked it up. It looks horrible, now my mom is gonna have to dye over it for me with brown or something. Oh yeah, and to top it all off, I'm sick with the flu or something so I was out of school for Valentine's Day and today. Aaaaah!!

I'm 16 now...*yay*.....I guess
Mood:  blue
Topic: *cries*
Yesterday was my 16th birthday. Yep, February 8th, 1989. We didn't really do anything, though, cause I told my mom that I wanted to celebrate this weekend with Sandy. Oh, yeah, we're gonna celebrate allright...with weed. Muashashasha!! I mean, I might be able to convince my mom to let us borrow her car and go shopping and to a movie and shit like that, but the way she's acting now I'm not sure it's actually gonna happen.. Whatever. Yesterday was pretty damn shitty, though, even though it was my birthday. I had I.S.S. for "excessive tardiness", so I had to stare at a fucking wall all day in complete silence, but it wasn't all that bad.. just what I would do normally if I had been at home. LOL. I just read a book most of the time, did a little homework.. Anyways, that night really sucked, cause for some reason I had this crazy breakdown. I guess mostly I was just really sad cause of Tommy and him totally hating me and all.. I decided that I hate him now. Anyways, it was just pretty bad. I hadn't cut myself in like a long time but I just kinda felt the urge again and I broke open a razorblade.. Yeah anyways I didn't really mean to cut so deep, but I did. It kinda scared me, cause it was dark and I didn't realize it, I just did it and didn't really feel the blood, but then when I turned on the light it was all over my blanket and dripping all over my arm and smeared on my hand and the blade.. Anyways, I didn't think I'd ever be doing this again. Kinda ironic or whatever, I use Tommy's wristband to cover it up.

*panicks*
Mood:  hug me
Topic: bad news
Oh, I never wrote about my little encounter with Tommy and Rodney Tuesday night. Me, Kirk, and Sandi were just walking to the door, and Courtney drove up with J.R. I told, (not asked), her to take us to Food World, cause we wanted to see if Billy was there. He wasn't. I still wanted to go to Wal-Mart for some shit, but Sandi didn't feel good so she and Kirk were dropped off. I bought a bottle of Robitussin there. I also wanted to buy some of that black hair dye that only lasts a week and a half (so my mom won't get too pissed), but they didn't have black. Next we drove by Food World. Tommy and Rodney were there. The bad Tommy, not my Mexican love-ah Tommy. I'm scared of him. Rodney is this guy that raped one of my friends, so I don't like him too much either. Tommy didn't recognize me at first, (it has been a long time since I've seen him), but he asked who I was and stupidly I told him. I should've lied I guess, but maybe it's not a big deal. He was like, "That's that girl that got me in jail." Then I started to kinda freak out when Rodney opened the door and got in the back seat with me. He was like, "Oh, you're that girl Dustin set on fire, aren't you?" I don't know why he was so curious, I'm sure he's heard the whole story. He kept asking me questions. He asked me to move over so Tommy could get in too, he said they needed a ride somewhere. I said no and he told him to get in on the other side of me. I was like, "I'll walk if you guys are going." He asked why and I said, "Cause I don't fucking like you." With him and Tommy on both sides of me, I was really scared and panicking. I felt like I was going to cry. Tommy said, laughing, "She thinks we'll set her on fire again," and lit a lighter near me. I thought they were going to rape me or something, or drag me out of the car at any second and beat the shit out of me. But thank God Courtney yelled at them and made them get out of the car. I didn't calm down for hours after that, it really scared me. That old paranoia that I had after all that shit happend has come back - I keep thinking Tommy remembers where I live and he's going to come after me or something. Anyways, on to a much more trivial and happy note, I wrote (the Mexican love-ah) Tommy a note the other day. It was basically just begging him to walk with us again sometime, that I missed hanging out with him, blah blah blah. I was upset today at first cause he walked ahead of us by himself. So there was no reason why he couldn't have walked with us, he just didn't want to. But then when we called him over, he actually came to talk to us. He walked with us until we got to our street, and I hugged him and he walked on to his friend Roscoe's house. Definently an improvement, but I don't know if it means anything. I feel so pathetic obsessing over him like this, but I just really like him a lot. Anyways, maybe he is starting to atleast tolerate me again. I hope he writes back. Oh, one other thing - I paid this stoner girl at school today $10 for some weed. She's supposed to give it to me tomorrow or Saturday. I hate paying in advance, but Sandy kinda made me. She has a class with her and knows her pretty well though, so it should be ok. Me and Sandy are gonna have fun this weekend - Robitussin and weed. Yay!!

Mood:  amorous
Topic: boys....or girls..heheh
What the hell does amorous mean? John's been hanging out with me, Kirk, and Sandi today. He just kissed me in front of my house. Oh, and I almost got weed today.. *sighs* I'll probably get some tomorrow though. Well nothing's different with Tommy, he still doesn't like me. *cries* Sandi comes over every day after school though, and lately I've been making my dad take her home so I can go in for a minute and atleast hug Tommy. Anyways, my birthday's in 2 weeks exactly. Can't wait! It'll be sooo fun!

Mood:  mischievious
Topic: boys....or girls..heheh

"REV 22:20" from the Underworld soundtrack


Don?t be aroused
By my confession
Unless you don?t give a good goddamn about redemption
I know
Christ is coming
And so am I
You would too if the sexy devil caught your eye
She?ll suck you dry
Soon you?ll cry
To be back in her bosom
To do it again
She?ll make you weep
And moan and cry
To be back in her bosom
To do it again
Pray ? shall I go blind?
Pray ? cos nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in your arms
Just until I can die a little longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and demons alike
She?ll eat you alive
Jesus is risen
It's no surprise
Even he would
Martyr his momma
To ride to hell between those thighs
The pressure is building
At the base of my spine
If I gotta sin to see her again
Then I'm gonna lie and lie and lie
She'll make you cry
I'll sell my soul
To be back in your bosom
And gladly help
Please suck me dry
And still you'll cry
To be back in her bosom
Do it again
Pray ? shall I go blind?
Pray ? cos nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in your arms
Just until I can die a little longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and demons alike
She?ll eat you alive
My pulse has been rising
My temples are burning
The pressure is so overwhelming and building
So steady and heavy
I'm ready to blow
She waits, what is she waiting for?
Pray ? shall I go blind?
Pray ? cos nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in your arms
Just until I can die a little longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and demons alike
She?ll eat you alive

boring
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: bored
Yeah this is just another Tommy thing. He seems to be all I ever write about these days. I guess I have no life. Heh. Last night he told Sandi that he still likes me, but when she asked him if he'd date me he just said flat out "no". Well atleast he said he still likes me, so maybe that means he'll atleast make out with me still or something?? Atleast I guess there's still a chance. Sandi thinks that if I date John it'll make Tommy jealous or something and he'll change his mind about me. I don't know what to do... Well I guess I really shouldn't stay here for long today, I need to get home. Mom won't let me walk around today cause I didn't go to church last night. Heh. Oh well.

*sighs*
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: "All The Things She Said"/T.A.T.U.
Topic: boys....or girls..heheh
^Me and Sandi sing that song together. LOL. I do the red head's parts and she's the dark-haired one. Heh. Quite a few changes going on. I got my hair cut all short and punky-looking. I'll probably dye it red too. So I look different. And I dumped Jeremy yesterday. I wrote him this harsh note that said something to the effect of, "I have to break up with you cause I don't really like you like that anymore". I was going to lie so maybe it wouldn't hurt his feelings as much, but I decided to just be honest. He came up to me today right after school when I was leaving and said he wasn't mad or anything, he just wished I would've done it in person. I'm glad he didn't take it too badly. Now this guy that got expelled and is back now, John, wants to go out with me. I told him I don't really know what I want to do right now or something like that, and I'm kinda "talking" to him and another guy. Of course that other guy is Tommy. I'm still kinda waiting and wishing he'd like me again. Speaking of Tommy, I was soo excited cause Monday night Sandi gave me his Korn t-shirt that he'd been saying I could have but couldn't find, and that same night I went to see him at Citgo and he gave me his Mystery purple heart wristband that I've been asking for forever. Awww..so sweet. Oh, and he told Sandi he likes my haircut. *blushes* Yay! Sandi said she thinks he might be starting to like me again. *happy* So yeah because of that I don't know for sure if I should just go ahead and try to move on and go out with John or what. *wearing Tommy's wristband*

Oh yeah and I'm getting my hair cut. Short cause Sandi likes girls with short hair and she said Tommy does too. So yeah it's mostly another attempt to get Tommy to like me again.

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: G.N.F.P.W.L.B.N.-Modest Mouse
Topic: misc. update
Yesterday totally sucked. Sandi's all upset cause Kirk's such an asshole to her. I think she's really serious about not talking to him like ever again. Last night she told me she hates him. She was really upset, crying on the phone and everything. I felt really bad for her. I hate Kirk, too. Well I mean, I already hated Kirk, but now I really hate him. Heh. Right now she's right next to me on the computer. She's still all sad. Last night I guess she made me really depressed too. I mean I felt bad for her and I was all upset about Tommy again. Fucking sucks. Tonight she's gonna spend the night at my house. Oh, on a happier note, yesterday at school I saw John for the first time in a really long time. He got expelled last year, he's this guy that I had a little thing with I guess or something. I couldn't talk to him yesterday cause Jeremy was following me around, but today I ditched him and talked to John. He seemed pretty happy to see me again too, he told me he broke up with his girlfriend he was going out with before. Hmm.. well I need to break up with Jeremy anyways. He gave me his new phone number and I wrote him a note telling him I'd call him this weekend. I just saw Tommy a minute ago, too. He's a little cooler with me I guess, but he still doesn't like me "like I want him to like me" as he always says. Just a minute ago, when Kirk left the library, Sandi wanted to run after him and I kinda wanted to smoke, so we did. We didn't catch up with Kirk, but Tommy and Dustin were walking too and we talked to them cause Sandi wanted to ask Tommy for some money. I'm not sure if Dustin was joking, but he said Tommy wanted me to suck his dick. Heheheheh. I totally would.

Mood:  sad
Tommy thinks I'm annoying and he doesn't like me.. he thinks I'm stalking him.. Atleast he said he doesn't hate me. *emo tear*