Been awhile.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Natural Anthem/The Postal Service
Topic: rant
Guess I've just been too damn addicted to DeviantArt lately to really do anything but that I guess. Plus I write in regular diaries more often cause I have easier access to regular notebooks. Well at the moment I'm pretty fucking exhausted cause last night I stayed up all night hanging out over here at Sandy's new house. (Yep - another one). She moved in with Heather and Amanda. See - Heather's mom Katie moved to Kansas, leaving Heather and her brother Chris on the lease. Everyone who lives here has to pay like $160 rent I think: Heather, Amanda, Chris, Sandy, and John. Me and Kirk probably really should have to pay some kind of rent too - we're here every day now. Even though it's fun coming over I kinda hate it cause I know we really shouldn't be coming over all the time. Anyways, it's all pretty fun. Sandy's room is totally awesome and the're so many fun things to do here and lots of people here a lot.

The bad side to all this is that now we never go to Sandy's old house anymore. Meaning I never see Tommy anymore. This is kinda a good thing I guess cause now I'm very gradually and painfully getting over my unhealthy obsession with him. At the same time, though, I miss him, even though he is an ass. It's all good, though, cause I know it's all for the best that I don't see him anymore. Anyways, whatever - who cares.


I was really fucking mad the other night - Saturday, I think. I guess I'll just start at the beginning. It was my first appointment with my new psych or whatever she is. I mean, I went last Saturday too but my mom just talked to her. This week I actually talked to her myself the whole time. She seems pretty cool - I like her. I feel like I connect with her a lot better than the others I've had, anyways. Probably'll stick with her for awhile. It was pretty akward on this first appointment - I was really nervous and fidgety the whole time. First thing she asked me was "Tell me about yourself." and I was thinking "What do you mean - how I'm all psycho and cut myself and all that shit or like: I'm Kelli, I'm 16, I'm a student at --- High School..."... ?? I got more comfortable with her eventually, though. I basically just recounted one of the most traumatic events of my life - all that shit with that Dustin ass. For some reason lately that shit's kinda been coming back to haunt me. I mean I've just been thinking about it more lately and shit. It's like all that built up pain from it or whatever is coming back, like I never fully experienced the trauma and now I am. Or the scars are being ripped open again - I dunno. [I always sound so fucking melodramatic..sorry. Heh.] Anyways, we talked about me cutting and she looked at my arms. I don't really think it's that big of a deal since I haven't really done it lately...not deep, anyways..and the deep ones are just from that time when I was really fucked up, usually I don't cut that deep, though, and now I really regret it every time I have to look at those damn scars - which is every fucking day. They make me feel so ugly. No one hardly ever sees the ones on my legs and I usually wear long sleeves except around people I'm good friends with, but it still just makes me feel so self-conscious. Anyways, the psych was pretty cool. The rest of the day sucked ass. I ended up having to go see my grandparents which wasn't a big deal, it's just that while we were at the mall with them just kinda wasting time sitting around Sandy called saying that Wesley was at Heather and Amanda's with her. I was like what the fuck?! you must be kidding. But he really was there. They all had a party without us, too. I was really fucking mad. I mean reeeally pissed. Wesley didn't even bother to stop by on his way back and he told Sandy he just wants to hang out with them when he comes back for summer. Sure, Wesley..whatever..just ditch us cause we don't have alcohol..that's nice. Ass. God I hate guys. I really truly don't believe in love anymore. It's all fucking bullshit. AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! *rips hair out*


Anyways, I was pretty fucking mad about Saturday for awhile. I let Sandy suffer thinking I hated her for like a day. We're cool now. She saved some of those pussy soda-like Smirnoff Twisted things for me and some vodka. That was cool. She said she cut her hair cause she was upset that I was mad at her. That's weird. Anyways, life kinda sucks right now, I dunno - what else is new. I just like coming over here all the time - that's pretty fun. And DeviantArt. Yeah that's about it. Oh and Tommy still but..I dunno..whatever.