Kirk and Sandi
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Tonight Tonight"/The Smashing Pumpkins
Topic: bad news
Kirk and Sandi broke up. Not sure how serious they are about it this time, but I'm pretty sure it's really serious. Sandi's pretty broken up about it. I heard her crying pretty loud in the bathroom a couple hours ago. As far as everyone thinks, it's totally my mom's fault. I'm sure Sandi's probably kinda pissed off at me because she probably thinks I told my mom something. It all just sucks. I mean, I totally think they shouldn't be together - it is kinda wrong - a 13 year old boy with a 17 year old girl. I just want Sandi to be happy, I guess. I don't really give a shit about Kirk - I kinda hate him. LOL. Anyways, I think it'll all be good when Sandy finds a guy her own age (or older). Me, her, and Heather were talking for awhile and we all agreed that I really need to find a guy too. I've been needing to find some really nice guy for once for awhile. I hate guys, though - I'd kinda rather go out with a girl almost - atleast they don't just want you to suck their dick. But like I said I don't believe in love anymore.

Anyways, everything's kinda shitty at the moment, but I think things will probably get better pretty soon. I mean, me and Sandi are about to get jobs, and we only have like one week left in school. I'll be coming over here every day probably all summer to swim and shit. It's gonna be fun. I hope. I keep thinking that Sandy will be gone soon. I don't know. My mom and the psych are saying I need to find a new friend. I don't really have any other friends, though. Obviously I realize that Sandy's not gonna be my friend forever, especially since she's older. I kinda have abandonment issues, I think. I always think she's gonna start hanging out with someone else and ditch me. She swears she'd never do that, and now that her and Kirk are broken up she says will still be and will always be friends. I dunno. I hope so.

I'm hoping I can convince my parents to let me spend the night here tonight. It'd be pretty cool. Well anyways I don't really have much else to say. I need a boyfriend.

Been awhile.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Natural Anthem/The Postal Service
Topic: rant
Guess I've just been too damn addicted to DeviantArt lately to really do anything but that I guess. Plus I write in regular diaries more often cause I have easier access to regular notebooks. Well at the moment I'm pretty fucking exhausted cause last night I stayed up all night hanging out over here at Sandy's new house. (Yep - another one). She moved in with Heather and Amanda. See - Heather's mom Katie moved to Kansas, leaving Heather and her brother Chris on the lease. Everyone who lives here has to pay like $160 rent I think: Heather, Amanda, Chris, Sandy, and John. Me and Kirk probably really should have to pay some kind of rent too - we're here every day now. Even though it's fun coming over I kinda hate it cause I know we really shouldn't be coming over all the time. Anyways, it's all pretty fun. Sandy's room is totally awesome and the're so many fun things to do here and lots of people here a lot.

The bad side to all this is that now we never go to Sandy's old house anymore. Meaning I never see Tommy anymore. This is kinda a good thing I guess cause now I'm very gradually and painfully getting over my unhealthy obsession with him. At the same time, though, I miss him, even though he is an ass. It's all good, though, cause I know it's all for the best that I don't see him anymore. Anyways, whatever - who cares.


I was really fucking mad the other night - Saturday, I think. I guess I'll just start at the beginning. It was my first appointment with my new psych or whatever she is. I mean, I went last Saturday too but my mom just talked to her. This week I actually talked to her myself the whole time. She seems pretty cool - I like her. I feel like I connect with her a lot better than the others I've had, anyways. Probably'll stick with her for awhile. It was pretty akward on this first appointment - I was really nervous and fidgety the whole time. First thing she asked me was "Tell me about yourself." and I was thinking "What do you mean - how I'm all psycho and cut myself and all that shit or like: I'm Kelli, I'm 16, I'm a student at --- High School..."... ?? I got more comfortable with her eventually, though. I basically just recounted one of the most traumatic events of my life - all that shit with that Dustin ass. For some reason lately that shit's kinda been coming back to haunt me. I mean I've just been thinking about it more lately and shit. It's like all that built up pain from it or whatever is coming back, like I never fully experienced the trauma and now I am. Or the scars are being ripped open again - I dunno. [I always sound so fucking melodramatic..sorry. Heh.] Anyways, we talked about me cutting and she looked at my arms. I don't really think it's that big of a deal since I haven't really done it lately...not deep, anyways..and the deep ones are just from that time when I was really fucked up, usually I don't cut that deep, though, and now I really regret it every time I have to look at those damn scars - which is every fucking day. They make me feel so ugly. No one hardly ever sees the ones on my legs and I usually wear long sleeves except around people I'm good friends with, but it still just makes me feel so self-conscious. Anyways, the psych was pretty cool. The rest of the day sucked ass. I ended up having to go see my grandparents which wasn't a big deal, it's just that while we were at the mall with them just kinda wasting time sitting around Sandy called saying that Wesley was at Heather and Amanda's with her. I was like what the fuck?! you must be kidding. But he really was there. They all had a party without us, too. I was really fucking mad. I mean reeeally pissed. Wesley didn't even bother to stop by on his way back and he told Sandy he just wants to hang out with them when he comes back for summer. Sure, Wesley..whatever..just ditch us cause we don't have alcohol..that's nice. Ass. God I hate guys. I really truly don't believe in love anymore. It's all fucking bullshit. AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! *rips hair out*


Anyways, I was pretty fucking mad about Saturday for awhile. I let Sandy suffer thinking I hated her for like a day. We're cool now. She saved some of those pussy soda-like Smirnoff Twisted things for me and some vodka. That was cool. She said she cut her hair cause she was upset that I was mad at her. That's weird. Anyways, life kinda sucks right now, I dunno - what else is new. I just like coming over here all the time - that's pretty fun. And DeviantArt. Yeah that's about it. Oh and Tommy still but..I dunno..whatever.

Disappointment.
Mood:  sad
Topic: pissed
Wesley's here. Thought it would be soo cool. Nope. It sucks. All he wants to do is hang out with Kirk. Whatever, he's just a ghost, anyways. (Wow, don't I sound crazy?) I mean, he's not like he used to be. It's not really him..if it was, I wouldn't feel so detached from him, unemotional. It's weird. I thought I missed him so much, and now that he's here, it's like I really don't give a shit. I like to just have the memories of him or something, I guess I just don't like hanging out with him now that I have already said goodbye for the last time. I don't want him back unless he can stay. I'm not going to go through that shit all over again. I guess that's what it is - I'm just protecting myself, that's why I don't want to like him again. I've been being a bitch to him, though, but I just can't help it. I just recluse in my room when everyone else is doing something with him, I mean, I don't totally avoid him...I don't know. The other thing that I don't like about this new ghost of Wesley is that he's never around when we want him to be, and then when he comes back or whatever he always has some lame-ass excuse, but it all just seems like lies. Like he just doesn't want to hang out. But then when he's around he just seems so..I don't know..like a few weeks ago when he visited, he said that he's really missed us a lot and we seemed like we didn't miss him or something. So it's like he does really care, but he doesn't act like it sometimes. I don't know, it's just weird..seeing him again so suddenly when I've been missing him for so long. And like I said, I guess I just can't let him back into my life if he's not going to be there for long, just visiting a few times a year. I can't do that to myself. I've already lost him once, and that was devastating.

Back to School (from Spring Break)
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: that new NIN single (I taped it off the radio)
Topic: good news
Didn't write much about Spring Break. Well, it sucked kinda, anyways. Sandy stayed over a lot, though, that was fun. We watched some movies and shit, that's about it. The highlight, though, that was pretty cool, was Wednesday night. Well technically it was Thursday morning. We snuck out at 2:30, (it took Sandy forever to get ready, and Kirk decided to go at the last minute..plus I wanted to take a bath..), and we drove all the way to Gadsden so I could see Kyle, this guy I met awhile ago at church, I went out with him..he was my first kiss and all that shit.. Anyways, the drive there kinda sucked, cause we were on the interstate at like 3:00 in the morning when only trucks are there, and Sandy freaks out around trucks and acts like she has ADD or something when she's driving on the interstate, looking at trees and shit. LOL. And she started to get really pissed off when we were getting directions from Kyle's friend, she couldn't hear him and we had to keep turning around and shit. Anyways, when we finally were almost there, there were some people in the road. It freaked us out and we drove past them. The guy started laughing on the phone, he said that was them. LOL. We turned around and drove back to his house. Oh, Kyle's friend's name is John, btw. When we got there we just kinda hung out for awhile. John got really pissed off at me a few times cause I talk so goddamn loud. LOL. And Kyle talks pretty loud too, and John's parents were trying to sleep upstairs, I probably woke them up like 20 times, especially when I was moaning..heh. I'm surprised they didn't come downstairs. He got so mad about me being loud he was like, "You wanna just go somewhere else and hang out?" So we went to look for cigarettes. We drove to the mall to raid the ashtrays but the cops made us leave. Then we went to some other friend's house, Snoopy or something. That's where I learned a new word: cockblocking. LOL. John walked in to ask for some cigarettes, and he really pissed off Snoopy's friend cause some girl was about to suck his dick, he practically chased him out of the house. Heh. We went back to John's house and just sat around awhile longer. It kinda sucked cause, even though I did want to see Kyle and all, I also was hoping they'd have some drugs or something, I mean Kyle is like the biggest stoner I know. They didn't have shit. John said he had some Adderall upstairs but he never gave me any.

About 30 minutes before we had to leave, Kyle was like "Hey lets go to the bed back there." John wouldn't let us do anything on his bed but there was a bed that he didn't use near it too, but it had clothes and boxes and shit on it so we took the floor. Kinda sucked cause it was all hard and cold-like. Anyways, it was pretty cool: first I got on top of him, like, in his lap, and we made out a little, then, although it took about 5 minutes of persuasion, I finally took my pants off and he fingered me for awhile, which was pretty cool, (that's when I started moaning and everything), and then he ate me out, with like my legs over his shoulders. I liked the fingering the best, although he started doing it pretty damn hard after awhile, but then he slowed down and it felt good and everything. Oh, and I really liked it when he kissed me while fingering me, that was pretty cool cause I was like, moaning as we kissed..it's always nice doing something like that and kissing. Anyways, after he like..finger fucked me for probably 10 minutes or so, I sucked his dick. After that he started begging me to fuck him. He didn't have a condom, so I didn't want to. He was like, "I don't believe in condoms", and all this bullshit. I wouldn't do it. He kept saying all this shit like, "I swear I'll pull it out before I cum,"..blah blah. Whatever. I wouldn't do it, I don't trust him that much. Anyways, it was all pretty nice, and we got home just in time and didn't get caught or anything. I wanted to stay longer, though, cause his friend found a condom, but we had to leave, the sun was already up and everything and we had a long drive home, plus Sandy was getting all cranky and shit cause she was tired. (Oh, and now I owe her like $50 for that, coming out of my first paycheck..kinda sucks).

Anyways, the rest of Spring Break kinda sucked. Saturday night there was a party that Sandy never told me about until it was over cause she didn't want to go, I was kinda pissed off cause she knew I wanted to go, but I can't really force her.. Besides, they only had like wine coolers and Smirnoff(sp?), there..so whatever. Atleast I got to see Resident Evil and Freddy vs. Jason. Heh. The first one was ok, but Freddy vs. Jason sucks. No one really even wins, it's bullshit. The one part I like, though, is the where the pothead's smoking weed and the "Freddypillar" crawls in with a bong, like Alice in Wonderland or something. It's pretty cool.

Oh, Wesley finally came yesterday. He's staying in town till Friday, I think. I just hate the way he's always just wanting to do stuff with Kirk. I always just want to talk to him and shit, which I know is girly, but.. I mean all he ever seems to want to do is play video games and shit with Kirk, and it's totally boring to sit there and watch them play Halo. I just reclused in my room most of the night all pissed off. I guess I should've atleast tried to hang out with them, but I was tired cause I stayed up all night. Oh well. I'm just glad he's around. Although I'm not really letting myself get attached, he's just gonna leave again. I still like him and all, but it's weird how I like don't feel any emotion for him or anything..I guess I've just gotten over him.

Spring Break
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: I WANT SLIPKNOT'S NEW CD!!!
Topic: bored
Spring Break is sucking so far. I'm on "severe restriction" cause I slashed up my arms and legs and all this shit.. Oh, and now I'm permanently banned from Heather and Amanda's cause Katie, Heather's mom, found out I was stealing her pills. It totally sucks, but atleast Heather, Amanda, and Sandy will be moving into their new apartment pretty soon, probably within a month. Sandy got a new job. She starts Thursday working with her mom at the thrift store. I was kinda mad when I found out about it, cause I thought we were gonna work together at Subway. Guess not, oh well, she needs the job. Kyle's in Gadsden till Thursday and it really is looking like I'm not gonna get to see him. Wesley's coming this week, I'm excited about that. Last Saturday I went to a party with Sandy and this black guy named Derreck. There was a bonfire and everything, although mostly there were only rednecks there. I got a little drunk, Sandy did too. It was pretty cool, but my mom made me come home within like 10 minutes. Derreck invited us to another party this Friday or Saturday that I totally want to go to. Sandy doesn't really wanna go though, cause Derreck always hits on her. Amanda wants to go too. It should be fun. By then Wesley will probably be here, maybe he'll go too. I'm starting to get over Tommy. Oh, and I'm not cutting anymore. I can't, anyways, my arms and legs are bandaged. Yeah, the cuts were that bad. Well anyways I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist sometime soon, so it's cool. They might put me on medication for depression. :) heeheheheh. Well I still need to get my website up again. I guess I probably will soon. I have lots of new deviations in my gallery. (In some I'm partially naked). My deviations are also in my Yahoo photo albums.

I got what I wanted..
Mood:  blue
Topic: *cries*
Yesterday I hung out with Tommy and Dustin at Dustin's house. It was cool at first. I was just happy to be around Tommy. They're always joking about me sucking their dicks or fucking them or whatever, it never really bothered me, but it got kinda bad. They just wouldn't stop asking me to do it. I kept saying no over and over but they kept asking me. Dustin went to go take a shower and me and Tommy went in his room, turned the light off and sat on his couch. He kept asking me to suck his dick. I told him I might if he atleast made out with me, and he said jokingly that that was wasting time and to hurry up and do it cause he was going limp. Heh. I was like "Why are you making me do this, you didn't used to be like this." He said "You don't know me, I do this all the time." He put a blanket over us and I think he had his dick out but I'm not sure. I was like "Why don't you wanna atleast make out first?" and he said that was wasting time and Dustin would be out of the shower soon. I wouldn't do it. Later all three of us went back in the room and sat on the couch together, me in the middle. It was really dark so I couldn't really see anything, but Dustin and Tommy said they had their dicks out and Dustin kept saying they wouldn't tell anyone or something and all this shit, and I kept saying no cause I'm not a whore, (lies, LOL). I kinda did want to do it, to Tommy anyways, but I knew if I did he probably would never talk to me again or something. Dustin even pushed my head down on him, but I told him to stop and sat up. Dustin told Tommy to kiss me, thinking that would make me do it. He did, so that was cool, but obviously it meant a lot more to me than it did to him, it was a totally empty kiss. I said I was gonna go call Sandy to see where she was, cause she was supposed to be picking me up soon, and Dustin said I wasn't leaving until I did it. I tried to stand up and they pushed me back down. I slid off the couch under their hands and stood up. Tommy pushed me down on the bed behind me, (just like playfully, not hard). I pulled him by his shirt on top of me and we kissed some more, but then I freaked out when he put his hand up my shirt and pushed him off me. Eventually they gave up and we all went back in the living room. Sandy finally showed up. I went to the car and told her what had happend and started crying. She went to the house and yelled at Tommy and Dustin. She told me Tommy had called her over and over trying to get her to pick me up, (I guess if I don't suck his dick he doesn't want me around). :( When I got home I threw his wristband that I've been wearing every day since he gave it to me across the room and took off his Korn shirt I had been wearing. The bad thing about it is I still like him, even though I am pissed at him. For some crazy reason I kinda want to go back to Dustin's house and do what they wanted. What's really weird is that about a year ago almost the same thing happend to me, only in a more violent way, with guys with the same names. Weird coincidence.

^_^
Mood:  happy
Topic: good news
Well I'm all happy cause I have a lot to look forward to in a few weeks. During Spring Break (Mar. 20th - 28th or something like that), Wesley is going to stay the whole week at my house. ^_^ Not only that but Kyle is coming back to Gadsden for the week also, so I'm probably gonna get to see him for the first time in over a year. Oh, and to top it all off, Tommy's being all cool with me again, so I'm definently happy about that. I don't know if he's starting to like me again or what, but it's kinda like I have the old Tommy back. ^_^


Tommy's wristband

Sandi's Getting a New Car...*yay*!!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: "Vermillion Part 2"/Slipknot
Topic: good news

^
She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame,
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
Just to have her for myself.

Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

She is everything to me,
The unrequited dream,
The song that no one sings,
The unattainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
All I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.

A catch in my throat, choke,
Torn into pieces, I won't. No.

I don't want to be this but
I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me) x4

She isn't real.
I can't make her real.
She isn't real.
I can't make her real.

I've never been a huge fan of Slipknot, but their new shit is pretty good. That song, anyways. I love that song. Of course it makes me think of Tommy. You know just replace the "she"s with "he"s... Anyways, I was going to talk about happy things. There should be a lot of changes going on, for Sandy, anyways. She's moving to a new house that'll probably be a lot cooler, getting a new car, (probably tomorrow), and then we're both gonna get jobs, hopefully in the same place, (right now we're looking at Subway as a possibility). Mostly I'm just excited about her getting a new car - really I think I'm more excited than she is. She doesn't really like it, it's like a 1988 ugly-ass white Honda shitmobile, but the one redeeming quality in it is that it has cool headlights that retract. LOL. Anyways, once she gets her car, we won't to walk home from school and everywhere else ever goddamn day, and we'll get jobs so we'll have money. It'll be soo cool! Plus when she moves I can spend the night at her house for a change. That'll be cool. That is, if my mom isn't a total bitch about it. Oh and another little note I guess I should add is that I'm recreating my website. I'm probably just gonna do something more simple. Well the library's closing in 10 minutes. Oh, wait - I rented Party Monster, Queen of the Damned, and Interview With A Vampire this weekend with the last of my birthday money. I had been wanting to see Party Monster forever, so it was cool finally getting to see that. It's a pretty good movie. Queen of the Damned just has some kick-ass music, and Interview is kinda long and boring, but it's ok. I'm a big fan of Anne Rice, but I don't know.. it just seems so fucking long, I almost fell asleep. Well, gotta dash.

Tramp Bear


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