Actual Entries.

Cullen/ZombieMortican's Shit.
Im scared 4/15/2004 Gagged,Bagged,and,Bodybagged im sorry i broke the promise. i did it right when i said i wont. im scared but not that sacred more of sadness. i cant stop crying. i love you i hope i live. i doubt it my left hand starting to feel funny and im dizzy i might live it will be good to live. i miss you Amanda. tears. i can harldy see the screen. i love you so much
And I swallow these capsules, to regain my grip. 4/8/2004 Gagged,Bagged,and,Bodybagged 8:51: last timei talked to you long time last time ive seen you long time to me. im getting the hint. ive broken down crying ive cut myself. i cant get anything off of my mind but you. you never talk to me. it makes me cry. i feel like shit without you. tommorow im going to athens maybe ill get my mind of you for one sec. We dont you get i love you and i care for you. i tell you but you dont seem to care. you say you do but you dont show it to me.i wish i could cry on your shoulder or just be near you for longer then 2 hours. i get that you dont want me to hang out with your freinds. i get that joey was funnyer then i was and was a better boyfreind. i know that. i love you
SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: i know hurley_punk06@hotmail.com says: AHAHHAHAH SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: ohh yea its funny talking about my life SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: i cut slits SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: in between my fingers SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: and toes SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: how about them apples SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: mmmmmm SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: i tried hanging my slef SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: but the fan would fall SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: then i went crazy and started jumping around and shit SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: and took like 8 pills SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: i dont know what they were SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: one was paxle hurley_punk06@hotmail.com says: i was talking about chapelshow SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: im going to try sliting my wrist tonight SAY IT SAY IT MEAN IT MEAN IT. Thats not what i found stay a away dont stay away from stay away from me stay away from me says: see how far i can take it
Gutted like a pig, all you want is the world...... 6/6/2006 Gagged,Bagged,and,Bodybagged I want to taste cold steel ice cold metal in my mouth, sucking it like i suck cock, licking it lustfull as if it were my lovers cock i keep on doing this till it cums all in my mouth the taste of cum the taste of gunpowder. I dont suck cock but i find it like these two things are one of the same. people lust for cock otheres for a gun. me i dont know. and by cock its more like sex. not just a blow job. But this sec. i want the taste of steel and gunpowder. im sure this has been said before the comparisn of the gun and thte cock. I get depressed and angery when your not here. i just want to be with you all the time. but i like this feeling of anger and of hate and the Lust for you all at the same time i love the feeling. i dont want to sound like some Goth art poet. some fuck that hates life to be cool then denies it to themselfs. makeing there life worthless to be praised at how hard they have worked. when in there minds they laugh they kill you. thinking how they played you so easy. no im not one of those things those walking fleshwounds. I dont live in some diffrnt universe i live right fucking now. my mind isnt clouded by lies i tell myself i take the shit ill keep takeing it and putting it back out for you. i take it and deal it. the more i take the more more.... I dont put myself down. i just speak the truth you speak what you see which is fake. i know more about me then you. noone cane help you but you. i cant help you you can help you thats it. ive lived a fucked up life. you lived one two half of it faked by your mind makeing it worse so you can be pittyed . I careless for attention i live life with no regrets. day by day i drag my fucking ass down the same path change isnt good until i feel like it is time to. my right hand hurts. typeing to much. dont talk to me call me think about me. Call me when you leave thats it only then not before then. i need time to think. Time alone. If i call talk and dont ask why im mad. dont try to help i just love you to much. cant help it you may not love you but i love you. i love you. you hate i love you . i hate im sorry. there how about that. thats weird. you been hurt so many times in love. me been sorry all my life. how about that. every word of hate take it has a word of love.
The story of Ricki 4/4/2004 Gagged,Bagged,and,Bodybagged Well it started back along time ago. never talked.,never had many freinds, patrick and gramham and some other people that was 5th grade. 6th i was a fag still didnt talk. havnt had problems tried killing myself. Made fun of everyday. was a fucking queer a weak ass never stood up for myself. in band but nevr really played mor eof fuck around. Corey and me meet in 5th i should have put that back there. Hear people talk about partys. never got to go. talked about hanging with feinds driveing around, never happen, Me more of stay home listen to music. 7th suspended threats of going to shoot up the school gone for 3months. felt good came back seeing that being scared of school was shit so i spoke my mind scared everyone. learned speak your mind your going to make people think your crazy.So in 8th same deal , 9th very calm drugs in life, didnt care for anything people were fucking assholes. now if you tihnk about this 16yrs of people telling you your crazy, now i know you have to and dont care but me i was wanting to fit in to have freinds, to be normal, so being called crazy messed with my head. i never had a girlfreind, until like 7th she was hot i broke up with her cause i was a dumbass. got concleing. helped got me paxal the wounder drug. uhh meet bec fucked me up in the head more, meet you oppsite you liekd everything i hate, turned me on cause i never been so mad. i found out anger and pain were good in 7th grade. i felt good like i didnt care its liek paxal but stronger. so i started to want people to make fun of me to make me mad. i learned speak your mind, it makes them mad, so i do they get mad i get angery i get high, makes me want more yes i see this is ging to lead to my death some how but i love it and i dont want to change dont i dont have emtion its anger thats it theres sad but its really anger happy thats jsut happy. so you went out with some people i idnt liek and didnt care to ask me mad eme mad as fuck i loved the high i got off that. its like the high i got off of joey leaveing me downtown i do like people just not the ones here. See i dont hate people with out them i cant get mad. so i really liek them.
Gory Story 3/15/2004 Gagged,Bagged,and,Bodybagged GoRe Pit Bodys lay broken. bones broken sticking out form the skin spilntterd, deforemd Bash to the head by a fist makeing you fall dead your skull is cracked your brain exposed. skull fragments fall to theground you can hear the crunching of it under your killers feet. reachs in you anus pulling out fresh turds, you bleed furlsiy from your ass. he starts to fuck you in the ass his big cock searching for the exit, cant find one so it makes its own, tearing into your intestnal wall you vomit blood from teh agony you scream for him to stop. he reachs for up and rips your upper jaw off your face screaming in a unhuman tone you fall uncouse never to wake. chainsaw ready cutting your body to little pecies. blood is ever were your heart stope beating. arm dangling ym a inch of skin. you face ozzing blood and puss your nose runs with shit your ass bleeds you shit comes out of all your sides blood and shti mixed make a putrid brew. you vomit one last time then you die.
amanda/lost. shit.
they saw something 3/30/2004 when i was standing in the kitchen anna remarked that i had a perfect bitemark on my kneck, she laughed and said it must be a scratch...but my dad looked pissed. he knows something. i dont know what he thinks but now im scared.
new sometimes 4/11/2004 sometimes i want something else. i will never say it. never. i really didn't want to say anything because i couldnt today. but sometimes. yeah. it just frustrates me, that i always come home without...and everytime you always, always get something. dont get me wrong i don't mind, i really dont mind. i like it, but sometimes yeah, i would also like to recieve something.
SO I was thinking... 3/24/2004 What if you skinned every inch of a person with a potato peeler? But just a small layer at a time...see after the first layer, submerg the victim in an alcohol bath, then peel another layer, and submerge the victim for longer in the tub of alcohol, and do this several times until you are satisfied. After this you may roll the victim in finly broken glass, which gets imbeded deep into the skin and any movement is extremly painful. Next I would place my victim on a strecher until I dislocate every joint and socket in thier body while still keeping them concious and alive. Now I might attach a piece of jagged shrapnal to a piece of wire and place the shrapnal into the flesh, then pull it around with the wire, jaggedly tearing meat and ripping flesh from bone. Then I would slowy put each leg into a meat grinder, and afterward I would quarterize the bloody stumps with an iron or something to that nature, as to keep the victim alive and make sure they do not bleed to death. Keep in mind every precedure should be painful, but not kill. After this I would eliminate the arms, by tieing each to a horse, or a moterized vehicle, and quarterize those as well. NExt I believe I would force my victim to drink a weak acid several times, to inflame the throat and digestive tract, after this I would repeat the shrapnal procedure this time placing it down the victims throat. Lastly, I would take a big jagged wire and place it in front of the victims torso, and slowly slowly slowy apply pressure, this could take hours, the goal is to make this very painful. After this the victim should be dead, but if you have a fighter, a nice sewing job may help, sew all the victims orfaces open(eyelids too), and submerge in boiling water. Happy TIMES. previous entry : This is it. next entry: About A boy
The Painter Who COULDN'T PAINT 3/29/2004 So, I painted a picture for Jennifer, it sucks. But she will like it. I really need to be working on a portfolio, but I have been neglectful. This summer I will do it, I will take my time on each picture, weeks if I have to, but then I get really focused and finish a painting in one sitting. Then I feel like shit. I have to get focused, shit I have all these people already getting me places in SCAD and I am not even trying or worrying, fuck. I have to go. I don't feel like explaining everything.
GAHHH 3/29/2004 I really really do not want to go to my mothers this weekend. Because the next week I have to watch Erica, then on Wednesday we are leaving until Sunday, SO there went my spring break. So this weekend will be the only one where I can actully do something with my friends. I showed my Dad the picture I painted for Jennifer and he didn't say anything. It makes me feel so stupid. I feel sad, and I don't know why. I really like you even though sometimes I don't know if I act like it, I do.
Thoughts on 3/26 at 5:55 pm 3/26/2004 So I just called Jennifer to talk to her, and everything she said seemed to get under my skin and irritate me. She didn't understand a word I said and seemed so uninterested. I want to talk to someone, and I want it to mean something, I want to exchange ideas and not feel stupid and misunderstood at the end. I tried to talk to her about transcendentalism, and that I felt that even though this idea is about embracing indiviuality, it is making us conform, and that I belive, I cannot conform to this because of my own thoughts and opinons. That is truely thinking, not believeing or buying into someone else's idea, but having your own. I am one of the current Thoreau, or Emerson...no one more than likely will understand me. Anything I say in my Lit classes is totally disregarded and never understood, they just call me 'whimsical' I am not that odd. I hate having all these ideas but none of them are ever properly expressed, no one can experience them with me. It makes me feel like I am handicapped, and it really frustrates me. I cannot explain anything about myself or my ideas. I do not want to be alone tonight. Bec is probably going to get drunk, and Jennifer is sitting at home playing video games. If you don't call or I don't talk to you, I will probably go rent a movie, or go to Walmart, I never like to think I am alone, so I keep myself busy. But then ever now and again I find myself lying on the floor listening to depressing lyrics on the record player. Sometimes I try to wear makeup or dress cute, but I don't want people to comment. I don't want it to be awknoledged. I don't feel like being cute today. I feel like i should have swollen eyes. But I don't. I don't think I have cried in the past week at all. I want to do something that means something, that moves someone, I want to be understood, I don't want to sit here my whole life thinking of living it. I don't want to sit here. I always find myself thinking of happy times, or past experiences, when it seems like my life is over now, but it isn't I have to remember that and keep reminding myself. I really do care about you. I thought you knew that. However I do not think you will be the person to understand me. I wish you were I wish I could have some reassurance, but I have none. Bec, she, she seems so far away, I want to call and talk to her all the time, but I can't. We are seperated and I don't know why, but I want to know what happens in her life, and I want to tell her things that happen in mine. But we don't do that anymore. We are not that close anymore. Jen doesn't understand anything. She doesn't understand anything. You, if your telling the truth your the closet to understanding. But I don't think you know.

From the Editor: These FINE specimmins really seeeeeem to be sad, but n truth it is a clever ploy to grab attention. Perhaps one day they will let up on Mr.Ed, and let him rest in peace.