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TITLE: Some Kind of Heaven (5/22)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
WEBSITE: https://www.angelfire.com/scary/randominsanity/RandomInsanity.html
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Dinner with friends (Viggo's POV)
FEEDBACK: It's the highlights in my hairdo, the extra arms on Vishnu
WARNINGS: None
DISCLAIMER: This story is solely a product of my twisted imagination
ARCHIVE: BTF, LBES, Lothlorien, my site; all others please ask, but I'll surely say yes
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The line about flexibility is in there for Peanut *g*
DATE WRITTEN: June 23rd, 2003

"Please!"

"No."

"But Viggo!"  Orli manages to drag my name out so that it takes several seconds to say each syllable.  "I really want you to come!"

"I already told you that I'm not going.  I hate these things."

"It's the bloody Screen Actors Guild Awards!  It's a big deal, man!"  His arms are flailing as he tries using gesticulations to explain just how major an event this is.  "Everyone's going to be there, and you know that Ian's gonna win.  Why don't you want to go?"

"Orli, it's not my scene," I tell him patiently.  We've been having this back-and-forth debate for about three days now, and I refuse to budge an inch.  "I'd have to get dressed up, and you know that I don't even *own* a tie.  Not to mention that half the night will be spent watching people I've never met win awards I don't care about."

"You're no fun, Viggo Mortensen," he huffs.  "This is a big deal and I want you to be there with me."

"We spend so much time together already.  What difference will three or four hours spent apart make?"

"That's not the point."

"Look, I'll watch them on TV so I can see Ian get his award if he wins it, but I really don't want to go.  And as for seeing our friends, I'd rather do that by having them over for dinner instead of seeing them in a crowded theater."

"I don't know."  He's beginning to waver, I can see it in his eyes.

"We'll invite the whole Fellowship.  And I'll make that vegetarian chili that you love so much."

"Don't think you can bribe me," he says weakly.

"I'll give you a backrub every night this week."

"Fine.  I won't make you go -- but I'm holding you to your promises.  Plus, you owe me a blow job."

"Why?"

"Because I say so."

I shrug.  "Okay."

*****

"What up, bitch?" Lij asks as he walks through our front door.

"Don't call me bitch, cunt," Orli retorts.

"Don't call me cunt, asshole."

"Don't call me asshole, wanker!"

"Don't call me wanker, pretty boy!"

"Viggo!  He called me a pretty boy!" Orli yells indignantly.  "I need you to defend my honor!"

"Love, I think you can handle Lij," I tell him with a roll of my eyes.  A round of snickering is heard from our friends.

"Wait a second, what do you mean Orli can 'handle' me?" Lij asks.  I could take that elf down any day of the week."

"Wanna bet?" Orli taunts.

"You know it!  I challenge you to a duel!"

"A duel?" Ian laughs.

"Okay, a fight," Lij amends.  "I challenge you to a fight, pretty boy!"

"Viggo!" Orli howls.  "Make him stop!"

"But you *are* a pretty boy," I say soothingly, kissing his cheek.  "A very pretty boy."

"You're not helping me, Vig," he pouts.  "You're being a terrible boyfriend."

"Oh, stop it," Bean chuckles.

"Yeah, Viggo's the ideal boyfriend," Billy says.  "*I* want to date him, and I'm straight."

"Excuse me?" I laugh.

"Don't even think of trying to steal him away," Orli warns, wrapping a possessive arm around me.  "Because I *will* kill you.  I'll strangle you with your own kilt."

"Death by kilting?" Dom laughs.  "That'd be interesting."

"Orli, you're not a homicidal maniac," John reminds him.

"I could become one if William Boyd threatened our relationship," Orli growls. (Yes, he actually growls.)

"I think he's just a bit narked at you, Bill," Dom observed.

"Will it calm you down if I tell you that Billy's not my type?" I ask Orli.

"Oi!  I'm everyone's type!" Billy yelps.  "Who doesn't want a tiny Scotsman in their bed?"

Before the conversation can get even more bizarre, the kitchen timer mercifully beeps, signaling that dinner is ready.

*****

"So why aren't you going to the SAG Awards?" Sean asks as we all sit around the living room with bowls of chili and slices of homemade bread.

"Yeah Viggo, don't you love us?" Lij teases.

"Very much, but there are limits," I tell them.  "I hate those kinds of things.  Plus, I don't exactly have the right wardrobe."

"He doesn't have any ties," Orli says, almost conspiratorially.  "His idea of getting dressed up is putting on shoes."

"What, he's supposed to be taking fashion tips from you?" John laughs.

"Viggo, have you ever even *worn* a suit and tie?" Bean asks.

"Three times," I say.  "And I've never worn a tuxedo."

"Never?  What about your prom?" Sean questions.

"I didn't go."

"What about your wedding?"

I laugh.  "Do you really think Exene and I had a tux-and-gown wedding with all the trimmings?  A broke actor/artist and a punk singer?  No, there weren't any tuxes then, either."

"Hey, I just had a thought," Lij says.  "Say that the earth is overrun by bloodthirsty wombats who start to lord over the humans.  They become intrigued by cloning and make a duplicate of Viggo.  Orli would know which one was the real Viggo and which was the wombat-cloned Viggo by asking them both to put on a tux.  The real Viggo wouldn't do it, and Orli could kill the evil wombat-cloned one!"

We all stare at him for a second.  "What the fuck are you talking about?" Orli asks.

"Wombats!" Lij exclaims.  "Evil wombats . . . oh, never mind."

"Anyway," Ian says after a long pause.  "The weather was nice today."

"I'm telling you all," Lij mutters, "wombats will rule the earth."

*****

"Thanks for dinner," Sean says as he hugs me out in the driveway.  "I wish you could be there tomorrow, but I understand why you're skipping it.  That scene can get somewhat tiresome after a while."

"It sure can.  Will you say hi to Christine and Allie for me?"

"Of course."

Sean gets in his car and drives away, leaving only Lij and Dom, who are standing at the other end of the driveway, talking to Orli.  Bean is with them, but he's staying here tonight since it's cheaper than a hotel.  Plus, he's a big fan of my blueberry pancakes.  I reach the small group and slip my arm around Orli's waist.  "So hobbits, did you enjoy yourselves?"

"Not at all," Dom deadpans.  "The food was atrocious and the hosts were idiots."

"But other than that?" I ask with a grin.

"Other than that, it was fine."

They say their goodbyes and Dom gets into Lij's car, but Lij turns around and suddenly starts running full-speed at Orli, catching him from the side and sending them both tumbling onto the asphalt driveway.  "What the fuck?!" Orli yells.  Bean and I pry a giggling Lij off of my stunned boyfriend.

"I told you I could beat Orli in a fight," he says proudly."

"That was a bloody ambush, Lij!" Orli snaps, sitting up and wincing.

"Shit, are you actually hurt?" Lij asks, his eyes widening with concern.

Orli rolls up his jeans and hisses in pain as the denim rides over a very scraped-up knee.  "All you did was tear the skin off of my knee, mate," he says sarcastically.  "No big deal."

"Sorry!  I didn't mean to hurt you!" Lij exclaims.  "Um . . ."  He looks nervously at me and Bean, who are glaring at him.  "I'll just be going now.  Bye."  He runs to his car and fumbles to get the door open.  Dom is cracking up, and I shake my head in wonder as the insane young men drive off into the night.

"Are you okay?" Bean asks Orli, helping him stand up.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.  Just a bit torn up is all."

"Come on, lets get you inside," I urge, relieved to see that Orli isn't having any trouble walking.

"That wanker will get what's coming to him," Orli says through gritted teeth.  "Did you see how he just tackled me?  I say we pay Dom to embarrass him tomorrow night at the awards show."

I fetch a large band-aid and some antiseptic so I can clean up the nasty-looking scrape.  "Don't worry, love.  I'll personally take my revenge on Elijah."  Orli flinches when I clean the scrape, but smiles reassuringly when I bandage it.  "Does that help?"

"Yes.  But I think it could use a kiss to make it all better," he tells me with a wink.

Ignoring Beanie's chuckles, I obligingly kiss Orli's knee.  "Satisfied now?"

"Yes."  He pulls me up onto the couch and puts his legs across my lap.  "A little Viggo medicine is all I need to feel as good as new.  It's like Prozac and Viagra rolled into one; I call it Vigagra."

Sean nearly chokes on his beer laughing, and I playfully smack the top of Orli's head.  "You're insane," I say with a smile.

"And you love it."

"That I do."  I gently kiss his forehead.

"Please don't tell me I have to sit and watch the lovey-dovey shite," Bean groans, although he's smiling broadly.

"Then we'll take our act to the bedroom," Orli tells him.

"We have an act?" I ask.

"That's fine with me," Bean says, taking another sip of his beer.  "Just keep the volume down when you're performing your sexual gymnastics."

"Sexual gymnastics?" I chuckle.  "I think you overestimate my flexibility."

"You're incredibly flexible," Orli declares.  "Now come on, I have some other spots besides my knee that need Viggo medicine."

*****

"You're wearing the same bloody tie that I am!" Orli screeches as he looks at Bean.  I stifle my laughter as I see that both men are indeed wearing very similar ties.  "I've had this outfit planned for days and now you just waltz in and upstage me?"

"How am I upstaging you?" Bean laughs.  "It's a coincidence Orli, not some nefarious plot."

"I wouldn't put anything past you, Sean Bean," Orli says as he slips his suit jacket on.  "There's a reason why you always play the villain."

Sean rolls his eyes.  "Whatever you say, Orlando.  I'll meet you in the car."  He heads out the front door and leaves me alone with Orli.

"Did you see that Vig?"

"It wasn't on purpose, love," I chuckle, giving him a hug.

"Don't get the suit wrinkled," he teases.

I pull away and smooth his shirt, threading his satin tie through my fingers.  "You look sexy as all hell, you know that?"

"Yeah?  Then maybe you should come just so you can molest me when the camera isn't on us."

"I don't think so.  But I'll be happy to ravage you when you get home."

"I'm looking forward to that," he says, leaning forward to kiss me.  "Love you."

"I love you, too.  Enjoy yourself, Orli."

"I will.  Bye, Vig."

"Bye, sex kitten."

Orli laughs and walks out the front door.  I grin and begin to scheme about just how I should ravage my impossibly beautiful lover later tonight.
 

Some Kind of Heaven Part 6

More Viggorli

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