TITLE: Some Kind of Heaven (17/22)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
WEBSITE: https://www.angelfire.com/scary/randominsanityRandomInsanity.html
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: The *real* 'Fellowship of the Ring' commentary (Orli's POV)
FEEDBACK: It's the sauce on my steak, it's the cheese in my cake
WARNINGS: None
SPOILERS: 'The Fellowship of the Ring', but if you haven't seen it
by now . . .
DISCLAIMER: This story is solely a product of my twisted imagination.
Also, all lines taken from the movie obviously don't belong to me
ARCHIVE: Help yourself, just drop me a line so I can brag to my friends
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Some parts of this chapter will make more sense if
you've seen the extra features on the extended 'FOTR' DVD. Lines
in // . . . // designate that they're taken from the DVD itself
DATE WRITTEN: August 3rd, 2003
"Okay, I have something to tell you," I say tentatively. "And I don't want you to freak out."
Viggo raises his eyebrows. "I can't guarantee anything."
I take a deep breath. "I invited the hobbits over and they'll be here for dinner and a movie."
"All four of them?"
"Yeah. Don't kill me."
He laughs. "Orli, they're my friends. Why would I kill you?"
"Uh, no reason."
His eyes narrow and he leans back in his chair. "What are you hiding, elf boy?"
"Nothing!"
"I'm not that dumb," Viggo chuckles. "But I'll be a good boyfriend and allow you to surprise me."
"Thanks," I say, giving him a kiss to express my gratitude. "Trust me, it'll be fun."
"That's what you said about taking me surfing."
"True, but I promise that this won't give you a black eye," I assure him.
"Then I'm up for it."
*****
"Oh my God, did Lij tell you that he got carded at the movies the other day?" Dom asks with a grin. "We went to see 'Red Dragon', and the cashier asked for some ID to prove that he's old enough to see it. When she saw his driver's license, she couldn't believe that he's 21 -- she said he looks like he's fifteen!"
"I have youthful looks," Lij protests.
"How did she not recognize Frodo Baggins?" Sean laughs.
"A better question would be how did she not recognize the kid from 'Flipper'?" Viggo teases, earning him a colorful hand gesture from Lij. "Does anyone want more chips?" he asks, picking up the empty snack bowl.
"That'd be great, thanks," Sean says. Viggo gets up and walks into the kitchen, and we all look at each other conspiratorially. "Do you think he has any clue?"
"None," I tell them. "I mean, he knows that we're up to something, but he doesn't know what we're planning."
"Will he play along or will it be too goofy for him?" Billy asks nervously.
"After all the trouble we went through putting this together, he better play along," Dom mutters.
"Are you guys done plotting?" Viggo calls from the kitchen. "Can I rejoin you?"
"Get your arse out here," I shout back at him.
Viggo dutifully comes back to the living room and sits down next to me on the couch, placing the refilled bowl of crisps on the coffee table. "What?" he asks, when he sees us all looking at him.
Billy clears his throat. "Viggo, in honor of your upcoming birthday, my friends and I have successfully endeavored to sweet-talk Pete into giving us an advance copy of the extended DVD version of 'Fellowship'. While all nine members of the vaunted Fellowship have seen the added footage, only eight of them have offered their insightful commentary on this film; you are the only one who hasn't. So, since we are crazy bastards, we have brought a copy of the DVD and are going to do *uncensored* commentary -- and you're going to join us."
Viggo chuckles. "*That's* the big surprise? You're not going to make me jump out of a plane or get a body part pierced?"
"That's the surprise," Billy says with a nod.
Lij reaches into his knapsack and pulls out the DVD. "We know we're a few days early, but happy birthday, man."
"Thank you," Viggo says sincerely.
"You're welcome," all four hobbits say in unison. I just give Viggo a kiss on the cheek.
"So for the next three and a half hours, we'll be doing the *real* commentary for this," Sean explains as he turns on our telly and pops the first disc into the DVD machine. "God help us all."
I scoot closer to Viggo and smile as he wraps an arm around me. "This should be interesting," he murmurs. We quiet down as the movie begins, the six of us watching the prologue, all four hobbits clustered on the floor, and Viggo and myself cuddling on the couch.
//For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.//
"Did you hear that, bitches?" Lij crows, turning around to look at us. "Our time is coming!"
Viggo and I roll our eyes, "Vain little hobbits," I mutter. "Can't live with 'em, can't save Middle Earth without 'em."
//If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.//
//Come on, Sam.//
"Those two are *so* in love with each other," Dom laughs as we watch Sean and Lij tramp through Middle Earth. "It's insane."
"Yeah, I know," Sean sighs. "What I can't believe is that PJ made us do that whole hardcore Frodo-Sam sex scene and then he cut it entirely." We all turn to look at him with raised eyebrows. "What?" he says defensively. "I'm not allowed to have a dirty mind just because I'm married?"
//Excuse me. That man in the corner -- who is he?//
//He's one of them rangers. Dangerous folk they are, wandering the wilds. What his right name is I've never heard, but around here, he's known as Strider.//
//Strider.//
"There's the man I love," I declare loudly. I plant a full kiss on Viggo's mouth, hearing the predictable groans of our friends. "My bitch," I say with fondness. He just laughs and playfully tugs on one of my curls.
//I carry nothing.//
//Indeed. I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely -- that is a rare gift.//
"Man, that scene always makes me want to jump you," I tell Viggo.
"Is there ever a time when you *don't* want to jump him?" Billy teases me.
I shrug. "Nope."
//Frodo!//
//Oh, Sam.//
"I love you, Sam," Lij says in his Frodo voice, prompting Billy to smack him on the arm.
"Look at Viggo kicking butt," Sean laughs as Aragorn battles the Nazgul on Weathertop. "You'd never know that it was the first time he'd handled a sword."
"You're just amazing," Billy tells my boyfriend.
"Absolutely awesome," Dom agrees.
"I think that you're God," Lij deadpans.
"You're so sexy," I marvel, watching Viggo throw the flaming torch.
Viggo shakes his head in amusement. "You guys are so good for my ego."
//Gandalf . . . the Ring cannot stay here.//
"Here comes Leggy!" I shout excitedly. "Oh, and Boromir and Gimli."
"God, you're a hot piece of ass," Viggo says teasinly as I ride into Rivendell and smoothly glide off of my horse."
"That's my line for you," I tell him.
"Yes, you are both hot pieces of ass," Billy tells us. "Now be quiet."
//You cannot give me this.//
//It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart.//
"You call that a kiss?" I say disbelievingly as Liv and Viggo kiss on the bridge. "*This* is a kiss."
"Oh no," Sean mutters under his breath.
I grab Viggo and kiss him, cradling the back of his head as I plunge my tongue into his mouth. He gives a muffled gasp of surprise but then decides to play along, and allows me to snog him for a few long moments. When we break apart, the hobbits give us a polite round of applause.
//Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!//
"Wow, Orli has another line!" Lij teases.
"Shut up, Lij," I tell him. "I'm getting laid tonight and you're not."
"You're very presumptuous, love," Viggo laughs.
"What, are you saying that we're *not* going to shag tonight?"
"I'm just saying that I'm tired of being treated like I'm easy!" he exclaims with an affected expression of wounded pride.
"But you *are* easy," I remind him.
"Yes, but only for you. So it doesn't count."
"You two," Dom says with a shake of his head, "are completely insane."
//We must hold to this course, west of the Misty Mountains, for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From there, our road turns east to Mordor.//
I grin as we get to the scene where the Fellowship is resting below Caradhras. "That's the night I lost my virginity!" I shout. Viggo starts laughing next to me.
"God, *way* too much information!" Lij yells.
"Yeah, and it was *so* great," I continue, wanting to see how much I can make the hobbits squirm. "Viggo was gentle yet passionate . . . he transformed me from an innocent young boy into a man of the world." Dom makes a gagging sound, and I lean forward to kick him.
"Orli, you were never innocent," Viggo says with a grin on his face.
"Ah, I was innocent in the ways of love, o dearest Viggo," I tell him in a dramatic voice. "And I also didn't know how to give a fabulous blow job. But now I do."
"Oh, God!" This time, all four hobbits are groaning. I've accomplished my mission.
//It reads, "The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter."//
"Do you remember what we did after getting home that night?" I ask Viggo as we watch Gandalf futilely trying to get into Moria.
"Oh, yeah -- the sexual Truth or Dare," Viggo says with a smile of fond remembrance on his face.
"Sexual Truth or Dare?" Sean asks, his eyebrows raised.
"Yeah," I tell him. "It ended with Viggo--"
"We don't want to know!" Dom shouts. I grin and keep my mouth shut.
//They have a Cave Troll.//
The Cave Troll scene. I look over at Viggo with a smile, remembering how we first got together while filming this. He's wearing a matching smile and holds me closer, kissing my forehead. "You remember when we filmed that?" I ask in a soft voice.
"Yeah." He leans in and kisses me.
"You two having a nice moment there?" Sean asks us with a smile of his own.
"Yes, thank you," Viggo tells him, his fingers skimming gently over my neck. I kiss his cheek, nestling myself as close to him as possible.
"I'm *so* glad you guys got together that day," Lij says. "I won $500 off of it."
"Did you really get in on in the trailer between takes?" Dom asks.
"Um . . . yeah," Viggo admits, his face turning red.
"Plus, we got to traumatize Beanie, which was just hilarious," I add.
"Hey do you remember what happened during reshoots for this scene?" Billy pipes up. "That big fight you two had?" Shit, why did he have to remind me of that?
"Bill, shut up you idiot," Dom says, smacking him upside the head.
"Oh. Sorry," Billy mumbles.
"It's okay," Viggo chuckles.
The other turn their attention back to the telly, but I look up at Viggo and kiss him again. "I still feel awful about that," I whisper.
"Don't worry, love," he assures me. "You've long since been forgiven."
//A Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. His foe is beyond any of you.//
"You know," I say with a frown, "all this time that Gandalf's silent and then explaining what the Balrog is, we should just be running like hell. You know -- run now, explain later."
//You will taste manflesh!//
"We all laugh; we really can't help it. "That is *such* a great line," Dom laughs.
"I love manflesh," I giggle.
"Really? We never would have guessed," Lij says sarcastically.
"Hey, manflesh does a body good," I inform him. "Especially Viggo's."
"Stop talking about my manflesh," Viggo rebukes. "Otherwise I won't let you taste it later." There are more groans from our friends, and we laugh.
//I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.//
//We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.//
//Sam . . . I'm glad you're with me.//
"What an incredible movie," I marvel as the camera pans off to Emyn Muil and the credits begin to roll.
"I know," Viggo says. "No matter how many times I've seen it, I'm still amazed by how it all came together like that."
As our friends start chattering about the film's greatness, I turn slightly in Viggo's embrace and smile at him. "That's *our* movie, you know."
"It is?" he asks with amusement.
"Yeah. Where it all started for us." I lean in and kiss him gently. He pulls me closer and slides his tongue into my mouth while his hands slide up my back.
"Get a room!" Lij cries, and Viggo and I break apart.
"Oh, hush," I tell him. "You're just jealous."
"Damn, you got me," Lij laughs. "My goal in life is to make out with your boyfriend."
"Now on to the extra features," Dom proclaims. "The stuff we *haven't* seen."
//Viggo, he's like a hero of mine now. Such a generous actor, such a fantasic guy to work with. You know, he's so brilliant -- um, his attention to detail, his . . . his focus, and his, um, work ethic, you know the way he kind of puts everything he's got into his role. He was great because, you know, this was my first experience on a film, and he was just a fantastic guide.//
"Jesus, Orli, could you gush about Viggo any more?" Sean asks with a grin as we listen to the cast commentary.
"I couldn't help it!" I exclaim. "What was I supposed to do, *not* talk about him? I mean, it'd be kind of weird if I didn't mention him."
"Yeah, but mentioning Viggo and fawning over him are very different things," Billy snickers. I stick my tongue out at him.
"Don't listen to them," Viggo whispers. "I think it's cute." And that's what matters.
//And I know that the person we really have to thank for, um, persuading Viggo is his son, Henry.//
"He's going to be the coolest kid at his school for, like, a month," Lij comments as two pictures of Henry standing with his dad flash across the screen.
"Hey, if it weren't for him, I would have turned down the part of Aragorn," Viggo admits.
"I don't even want to think about what the movie would've been like without you," Dom shudders. "You just *are* Aragorn." Viggo blushes.
"Yeah, and Orli never would've figured out that he's bi without you," Sean adds. "I'm not sure which would have been the greater tragedy."
//I mean, it's kind of funny, except that Bret was in this, like, armor. Like he's in heavy armor, man; that's chain-mail that he was weaaring.//
"I am such an airhead," I moan as I watch myself babbling about the boat mishap.
"I like how you said that it was funny except for the fact that Bret could have *drowned*," Billy teases.
"You're one to talk about embarrassing yourself onscreen, Mr. Girly-Shriek," I shoot back. Billy promptly shuts up.
*****
"Good night, everybody! Thanks for coming!" I call as all four hobbits walk out the front door and go to their cars.
"I've never seen messier people in my life," Viggo chuckles as he vacuums up crumbs from the living room floor. "They make Henry look like a neat freak."
"Did you have fun?" I ask, flopping down on the couch.
"I had a great time. Thanks for putting this together, love; it was really sweet." He joins me on the couch and wraps his arms around me.
"Well, the hobbits wanted to do something nice for your birthday, and we figured that this was the best thing to do."
"I'm lucky to have them as friends, even though they are crazy." He smiles and kisses me. "And I'm lucky to have you."
I kiss him back, and we lie there snogging contentedly for a few minutes. "Hey," I murmur when we break apart. "Wanna watch the DVD again?"
His eyes light up. "You read my mind."
"Do you think we're obsessed?" I ask as we flip on the telly and start the movie.
"Yeah, but you can't blame us. After all, it was our life for more than a year. I mean, I still call you 'elf boy'."
"I know, filthy human," I laugh, kissing him again.
"Prissy elf."
"Human scum."
Viggo starts cracking up. "Hot piece of elven ass," he teases.
"Hey, is it time yet for me to taste your manflesh?"
He grins. "Go ahead."
I grin back at him. "Yummy."
