TITLE: Remember To Breathe (8/22)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: What the fuck just happened? (Alternating POV)
FEEDBACK: It's that little extra spice that makes existence *extra*
nice
WARNINGS: Angst
DISCLAIMER: Lies, lies, all of it lies!!!
ARCHIVE: My archive "Random Insanity": https://www.angelfire.com/scary/randominsanity/RandomInsanity.html
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Pt. 7 was not pretty, and the angst is not gone yet.
I'm dealing with two very pissed-off Viggorli muses who have spent the
last few days sticking their tongues out at each other. But thank
you all for your feedback, because the fact that you care so much means
that I'm managing to do something right as an author. ***** denotes
a POV change
TIMELINE NOTE: This takes place directly after Pt. 7
What the fuck just happened?
I woke up this morning and Orli was lying next to me, loving and happy, and now I'm standing here in disbelief, listening to his footsteps retreat down the hallway. He left me. He says it's my fault. Funny, I don't remember telling him to kiss me in front of TV cameras. How is that my fault?
What I *do* remember is Orli promising to stand by me while I sorted my shit out, but apparently he's not as committed as I thought. Do I feel like an asshole for the pain my insecurities cause Orli? Of course I do. I love him more than anything, and seeing him in pain causes *me* to be in pain. But I'm just not ready to do what he wants.
I'm not fucking ready.
*****
What the fuck just happened?
Apparently aliens came down and took the heart and soul of my loving, caring boyfriend and replaced it with the heart and soul of a callous idiot. It was a stupid kiss that no one will ever see or care about, and it just ruined the most important relationship I've ever had. Correction: the kiss didn't ruin the relationship, *he* did that all on his own.
Seriously, was I supposed to just wait forever? To stand in the shadows while he agonized over every little thing that could go wrong if we were stupid enough to be honest about our love? Was he thinking of grabbing a girlfriend as a beard to complete this farcical charade? And how am I even able to think in complete sentences at this point?
How am I even able to breathe at this point?
*****
I can't go after him.
I heard the elevator open and close down the hallway, and he's probably wandering aimlessly somewhere. I wouldn't even know how to find him. He's left all of his stuff here, and I find myself holding one of his sweaters, torn between hurling it out the window and crying into the soft fabric. It smells like Orli, so I throw it angrily to the floor.
He said that we were soulmates once, that he had never connected on this level with anyone else. That he'd stand by me no matter what happened. I should have known better. He walked away from me. The fact that we love each other apparently doesn't matter at all, and he told me that I should try to forget that I love him.
How the hell am I supposed to forget that I love him? He may have
behaved like a little asshole just now, but I still love him. He
just hurt me more than ever before, but I still love him. I don't
want to ever see him again, but I still love him. I don't want to
ever hear his name mentioned again, but I still love him. And that
just makes everything worse.
*****
"Hey, are you there?" I call desperately as I pound on Dom's door. "It's Orli. Please be there!"
"I'm here, I'm here," Dom laughs as he opens the door. "Where the fuck is your shirt?"
"Where the fuck is your booze?" I ask as I push past him, ignoring the strange looks that Billy and Lij are giving me from their position on the floor.
"I think the better question is where the fuck is Viggo?" Billy laughs. "Have a tiff?"
"A tiff?" I repeat. Yeah, just a little tiff, nothing more. He just ripped my heart out, put it in a blender, and pressed 'puree'. A tiff is all it was.
"What's going on? Are you and Viggo in a fight?" Dom asks with concern.
"Don't say his name," I warn, narrowing my eyes. "Just call him 'the prick'." Three sets of eyes get very wide, and Lij automatically starts biting his nails out of nervousness. "And to answer your question, we're not in a fight."
"Could have fooled us," Lij mutters. "What *is* going on with the two of you? I mean, shouldn't he be fucking your brains out right about now?"
"Shut the fuck up!" I yell. "Yes, Elijah, he *should* be fucking
my brains out, but he's obviously not, so can you just leave it the fuck
alone?!" The feeling of tears spilling onto my cheeks is the last
straw, and I slide to
the floor and start crying.
"Orlando, what is going on?" Billy asks, coming over and hugging me. "Just tell us, please. We don't want to see you like this."
"It's over," I sob. "It's fucking over, and I've never been in so much pain in my life."
*****
Every time I walk past that fucking mirror, I get an image of Orli's naked body writhing as I make love to him. So I stop walking across the room. In the bathroom, I remember the loving conversation we had after sex. So the bathroom is off-limits. At the window, I remember his arms sliding around me right before we made love. So I shut the curtains tightly. On the bed, I remember falling asleep with him in my arms after we said 'I love you' innumerable times. So maybe tonight I'll sleep on the floor.
*****
"So I just kept walking, even though I didn't have my shirt or jacket. I wound up here . . . I didn't know where else to go. I can't go back, you guys. One of you has to go and get my stuff, and I have to crash in someone's room." I keep staring at the floor even though the saga of The Fight has been told in its entirety. None of my three friends has said a word throughout the story.
"Orli . . ." Dom's voice sounds pained. "You have to go back and talk to him."
"Why?" I laugh. "He's not willing to do what I *need* him to."
"Yeah, but yelling never accomplishes anything. If the two of you could just sit down and have a discussion--"
"Been there, done that. It's over."
"You're just going to give up?" Lij exclaims. "Give up and walk away? You're both being so stupid!"
"What, you think I should just stay his secret forever?" I ask accusingly. "Are you taking his side?"
"For Christ's sake, it's not about that," Billy says. "Nobody is taking sides. Lij is right -- you're *both* acting like idiots."
"Whatever. I still need one of you to go and get my shit from that room."
"I'll go," Billy volunteers.
"Thanks, Bill." I watch him walk out of the room, and then blink back more tears. "I just can't believe this. Maybe I should have seen it coming and ended it back in New Zealand. I mean, why did I agree to spend the rest of my life with someone who couldn't be honest about our relationship?"
"Because you love him," Lij tells me. "Look, we're not saying that we agree with him, or with you for that matter, because that's not what this is about. But I think you're making a mistake by not working to keep this. You guys are *meant* to be together. Like Romeo and Juliet."
"Yeah, they had a happy ending, too."
"Oh, you know that's not what I mean, Orli," he says with exasperation. "You guys are the couple that everyone's jealous of. There's so much love there."
"But that's just not enough anymore, Lij. I know everyone thinks we're perfect for each other, but I don't think that's true anymore."
"So you're not going to go back and try talking to him?" Dom asks. "This is really it for you two?"
"Yeah, Sblomie. This is it."
*****
Someone's knocking on my door, and the thought of dealing with anybody right now makes my head hurt. Whoever it is had better not need something important, because all I want is to crawl into a little hole and forget all the shit that just happened.
"Who is it?"
"Billy." Great. I can only guess that he's here to ream me out because Orli went to see the hobbits and told them what happened. At least Billy won't be able to do any real damage if he physically attacks me.
"Hey," I mutter as I open the door. "Are you here to yell at me?"
"What? No!" He walks into the room and sits on the bed. "I'm not angry at you. Well okay, I *am*, but I'm angry at Orli, too. You two are behaving like complete idiots, and you should talk about this like civilized adults instead of having a screaming match."
"Are you a couples counselor now?"
"No, just someone who loves both of you and doesn't want to see an incredible relationship destroyed because of pig-headed stubbornness. He refuses to talk to you, and I'm betting you won't talk to him."
"Hey, he's the one who walked away."
"And you won't go after him? You care so little that you're willing to just let him leave?"
"Don't put this on me, Billy."
"Look, I'm not taking sides," he tells me with a slight smile. "No one is going to do that, I swear. And I know that the two of you have some real issues to sort out, but just giving up isn't the answer."
"Well, I'm not going to chase someone who left me because he can't understand how I feel."
He sighs. "Fine. If you *do* come to your senses, he's staying in Dom's room tonight. He asked me to pick up his stuff."
"It's over there," I say softly. "Look Billy, just tell him . . . nothing."
"What?"
"Nothing. Forget it."
Billy collects Orli's stuff and gives me a hug before leaving. There is now no trace of my brand new ex-boyfriend left in this room, and I really feel like smashing that goddamned full-length mirror. Instead, I crawl into bed and cry. Maybe I should have told Billy the message I wanted to pass along to Orli.
Just to tell Orli that I wish things could have been different.
*****
"You sure you don't mind?"
"For the last time, Orli, get in the bloody bed," Dom says with a hint
of
laughter in his voice. "You're not sleeping on the floor.
I think you've
been through enough tonight."
I hesitantly get under the covers, unsettled by sharing a bed with one of my closest friends when I really should be sharing a bed with Viggo. Because as much as I hate him right now, part of me wishes that he was next to me, holding me and talking in that wonderful voice that always made me feel better. Of course, that wonderful voice was yelling at me an hour ago, so it's probably for the best that I'm not with him tonight.
When I told the hobbits that I'm not going back, I meant it. As much as I love him -- and I do, I won't deny that -- it hurts me too much to be kept hidden away. It's a slap in the face after all the love and devotion I've given to him. If Viggo wants to live the rest of his life in the closet then so be it, but I won't join him. I've never done well when I'm trapped in confined spaces like that.
"You gonna be okay?" Dom's voice breaks through my thinking. "Or is that a stupid question?"
I manage to laugh a little. "Yeah, it's a stupid question. But I'm not planning on jumping out the window or anything."
"Good. I don't feel like losing one of my best mates tonight."
"You won't," I assure him. "You won't lose me tonight or any other night."
"Okay. Is there anything you need before you go to sleep?"
"Nah. But thanks for asking."
"No problem. Good night, Orli."
"Good night, Dom."
His words ring in my head as I try to get some sleep -- 'I don't feel
like losing one of my best mates tonight.' Dom won't lose me; in
fact, he won't lose anything. But I lost. I lost everything.
