18.12.00
I love you. Just had to get that out of the way. We're flying out of L.A. right now, and my cheek is still warm from where you kissed me. I know you're coming to see me in three weeks, and believe me when I say I'm counting the minutes. Have I said yet that I love you? Well, I'll say it again. In fact, I'll say it as often as you need me to. I love you.
Fuck, Vig, this is going to be hard. And not hard in the good way. Christ, I have such a dirty little mind. But that's what you love about me, right? Okay, *one* of the things you love about me. Of course, it's not like you don't have a dirty mind yourself, Mr. Let-Me-Suck-You-Off-In-The-Trailer-Because-Your-Arse-Is-Really-Fine-In-Those-Elf-Leggings. It wasn't even Pete's idea to have you run behind me in that scene! You really are a pervy old man, Vig. And I miss you already. Pervy elf fancier.
Okay, still on the plane. I think the flight attendant really should stop flirting with Ian. She might be the only person in the world who doesn't know our dear knight just doesn't like birds. Of course, he's being quite the gentleman, but every time she leaves, he says, "if I'm ever going to sleep with a woman, it won't be one who looks like an Uruk-Hai in drag." Cruel. And yet so funny. He was so wonderful when I got on the plane. I was a little upset from saying goodbye. Okay, I was very upset. But wise Sir Ian made me feel better. He's nice. You're nice. I miss you, my nice, nice Viggo.
*****
12-20-00
Okay, here's something I've learned about living on the other side of the world for a long time – before you leave your regular home, you should clean out the refrigerator. There's milk in here that's so old it's now officially good cheese. Looks like takeout until I get my fridge sanitized. On another note, it was so wonderful to speak to you last night. You have the most beautiful voice, love. But really, I think you're spending way too much time thinking about this issue. Yes, the cave-troll is kept prisoner by the orcs, but he still tried to kill the entire Fellowship. I don't think Legolas needs to feel guilty about killing him. Although, I might ask why it took the elf so damned long to shoot him in the neck if he knew that was *exactly* the place that would kill him. Do you know that it was while filming that scene that we had that first "encounter" in the trailer? Well, of course you know that. But still, when I see that scene in the finished film, I'm going to have a sudden urge to jump you. Of course, I'm always susceptible to sudden urges to jump you. Although it would make quite a scene at the premiere if I suddenly climbed into your lap. It's a nice thought though.
*****
21.12.00
I hope you realize that your voice is *made* for phone sex. You drove me fucking crazy last night. That is all I have to say. I miss you, my sexy, sexy Viggo.
*****
12-21-00
If the acting thing doesn't work out, you could make a fortune charging for phone sex. I tried to write today, but all my thoughts were centered on that little hitching thing your breath did when you came. I could incorporate that into a poem, I suppose. Maybe I'd call it "Coming". Of course, I'm not sure I'd show it to anyone other than you. It's not exactly the stuff I want the wrong people to get their hands on (such as my mother, Henry, etc.). Speaking of hands, I have this really stubborn splash of blue paint on my left hand that just *won't* come out. I just thought you should know that.
It's really warm here in Los Angeles, which is always disconcerting at Christmastime, sort of like it was in New Zealand. Shit, don't think of New Zealand. God, I miss it there. I miss the way you tried to imitate a kiwi accent with awful results. I miss the way you chased Henry through the trees when we went camping. I miss the way your mohawk got all stiff from the saltwater after you went surfing. God, I miss you.
*****
24.12.00
Well, it's Christmas Eve in Canterbury, and I'm truly enjoying myself. I have to admit I've been pretty down since leaving Wellington, but seeing my mum and Sam has picked me up immensely. Next week, Atti is coming back from Germany, and I'll get to spend time with the crazy wanker. We take Christmas very seriously in my household, just from a traditional standpoint. I got your gift yesterday, and it's already under the tree. I tried to shake it to see what it was, but Sam stopped me. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's absolutely perfect. Just like you. I'm gushing about you all the time. Sam has threatened to "bash in that pretty face" if I don't stop rambling on about how marvelous you are. Am somewhat frightened of my big sister. Would you protect me? Would you bring Anduril and defend me from evil family members? It would be so cool to see you go all caveman and shit, defending my honor. I'm not sure I actually *have* honor, but if I did, I'm sure you'd defend it. I should probably get some sleep, as am not making much sense. I miss you, my manly, manly Viggo.
*****
12-25-00
If there's flour on this page, just ignore it. Henry and I just finished making snow pigs, which are those sugar-nutmeg cookies I was telling you about on the phone the other day. Sort of a tradition from my mom's side of the family, although how they got their name is anyone's guess. I woke up this morning in an empty house, as Henry was spending the morning with Exene. When he got here for lunch, I made him some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I can cook like a gourmet chef, and he wants food from a box. Go figure.
After lunch we opened all the gifts, and yours was wonderful. I know I told you that on the phone about an hour ago, but I'm writing it anyway. Seriously, you know how much I love to just curl up with a book, and those four will be wonderful for when I need some quiet time. However, the aftershave was a bit insulting. I'm not *that* much of a smelly human. I'm so glad you're happy with what I got for you. I usually prefer to make gifts instead of buy them, but I knew that it was perfect for you when I saw it in the store.
Henry is now laughing at me. I just tried to explain the concept of the journal, and he's saying "you're in love", but in that really annoying voice that only twelve-year-olds possess. I'd throttle him if I weren't filled with holiday cheer.
Merry Christmas, love
*****
28.12.00
Atti kidnaped me last night and dragged me to a club. He says he refuses to let me act like, well, something in German. I didn't ask him to translate it, since I'm sure it's not a compliment. But he said he didn't want me moping. I tried to tell him that I'm not moping, I just miss my ridiculously wonderful boyfriend. Okay, I was moping. Shit, it's only been ten days and I'm already moping. I wonder if there's a twelve-step program I can enter: Viggo detoxification. Really, you have to know the effect you have on people, Vig. It's dangerous. I miss you, my addictive, addictive Viggo.
*****
12-29-00
I had lunch with Sean and Lij yesterday, which was very nice. It's unbelievable how close-knit a group we really became. There are people I've known for twenty years who I don't know as well as the eight other Fellowship members, not to mention Karl, Dave, Craig, the entire bunch. Lij was as hyper as ever, and I really believe he has pure sugar running through his veins. It's just not natural. Sean is working hard to lose his "Sam" weight, and they both told me what a relief it is not to worry about feet and ears anymore. Of course, all I had to deal with was a wig. And that perpetual stubble. Which I know that you loved, so it wasn't really a problem for me. Hell, you could tell me that you loved me with bright green hair, and I'd change it. Okay, maybe not, but you get the point. The days of dyeing my hair every color under the sun are over, although Henry has his hair a nice shade of red. And by red, I mean Crayola crayon red, not a harmless orangish tint. By the way, those press-on nails I sent you were his idea. Really. He knows I call you the prissy elf, so he thought it was fitting. Although the pink hair ribbons were my idea, and I don't expect you to actually wear them. Actually, I'd be quite disturbed if you did.
*****
31.12.00
And so another year comes to a close. Last year at this time, we were in New Zealand, having a good time at the hobbits' New Year's party. I wonder if Billy ever found out we had sex in his bed, although he wanks so much I doubt he'd wonder about any stains we might have left. My resolution last year was to give everything I had to the films and to you, and I hope I succeeded on both fronts. These past twelve months have been the most important of my life, and you're the reason why. I'd never truly known what it was to love someone more than you love yourself, to be willing to put everything on the line for them. You are the only person who has ever made me feel so special and loved, and I know that we were just *meant* to be together. You know that I'm a big believer in fate, and I'm certain that one of the reasons I was put on this earth was to be by your side. From the moment you said that your type was pretty male elves, my world has been a better place. When you hurt, I hurt, and when you're happy, I'm happy. My resolution this year is to continue to be by your side, come what may. You will never have reason to doubt that I love you, I promise. I miss you, my perfect, perfect Viggo.
*****
12-31-00
I remember January, when your eyes lit up from the birthday gift I made you. I remember February, when you serenaded me with a horribly off-key rendition of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" on Valentine's Day. I remember March, when you got a horrible cold and I watched old movies with you all day while you lay on the couch, covered in blankets. I remember April, when I almost drowned and you came to the hospital, terrified that I was seriously hurt. I remember May, when we were filming Helm's Deep and you would find all kinds of creative ways to warm me up when we had five minute breaks. I remember June, when you convinced me to go outside and make snow angels and then have cocoa with marshmallows. I remember July, when you threatened to kick Dom's ass if he teased me one more time about the nudity in Indian Runner. I remember August, when I was in a horrible mood and you cheered me up by doing Monty Python routines. I remember September, when I held you after you came home in tears because you heard a crew member say you were just a pretty face. I remember October, when I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I remember November, when you decided to spend an entire day naked to give me "artistic inspiration". I remember December, when we had the horrible fight that ended up making us stronger than ever.
Now comes a whole new year, and another chance for memories and moments, some of them painful, but most of them beautiful. I would not change a single thing about the year 2000, because even when we had difficult times, it always led to a better understanding of each other. If the next year is anything like this one, then I welcome it with open arms.
I know that I tell you this all the time, but I love you so much, Orli. I honestly didn't want to fall in love with anyone ever again after the divorce. I was cynical and wary of getting hurt, but I just couldn't help but fall in love with you. The exact moment I knew I loved you was when we were on-set, and John was complaining about the Gimli makeup. You started talking about how sexy you thought it made him look, and started doing a whole string of dirty little stories about elf-dwarf loving. It was funny as hell, but what was wonderful about it was that you did it to make John feel better. You have such an incredible heart, Orli, and I'm so lucky to have a place in it.
*****
3.1.01
Okay, never *ever* leave a dirty message on my machine again. Atti was with me when I checked my messages, and he was taking the piss for the rest of the day about my sex life. And of course, you're talking about sucking me off, and I can't wank to that wonderful image because my best friend is in the living room. Damn you, Viggo. Although, once I pushed him out the door, I did wank. And I saved the message. Of course, you being you, the message had random comments in between the dirty stuff. Seriously, Vig. "Imagine that my tongue is sliding around your cock, bringing you so close to the edge and then pulling back . . . I had a really good omelette for breakfast." That's a direct quote, old man. I think you need a CAT scan or some serious medication. I miss you, my crazy, crazy Viggo.
*****
1-4-01
I just finished watching Will & Grace with Henry. Do they have that show over in England? It's a terrific show about two best friends, a straight woman and a gay man. There's also another gay man who's their friend. Henry started watching it after I came out to him last year. He loves the show, but turned to me after it was over and said, "You're really not a normal gay man." Whatever that means. Of course, I'm not normal, period.
It's raining now, just a slight drizzle, but enough so that it'll be nice and dewy in the morning. I love the smell of leftover rain that's collected on the grass. Although now rain always seems to remind me of the nine week torture session known as Helm's Deep. The Marquis de Sade has nothing on PJ. Not that there weren't some really good times during filming that. I particularly liked watching Craig practicing his "Haldir strut", looking gayer than a tree full of parakeets. Seriously, elves are just drag queens with pointy ears. No wonder they cast Hugo as Elrond.
My favorite memory of Helm's Deep has to be when you and Craig started singing every song you could that was about rain, or had the word 'rain' in the title. After singing "Purple Rain" you decided you might as well sing "Purple Haze" and altered the lyrics to "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy", which led to you kissing me in front of everyone. Such a tease you are. Of course, everyone just thought it was the crazy elf showing off again. Shows what they know.
*****
5.1.01
Oh. My. God. That was the best phone sex in the history of the world. It really should be illegal to sound that sexy, Viggo. And you have such a dirty mouth on you. Maybe I should just call you the filthy-mouthed human. Now I *really* can't wait for you to come next week. I mean come *here*. Trust me, once you get here, you'll be coming nonstop. Such are the powers that I, Orlando Bloom a.k.a. the god of virility possess. I think I should have a superhero cape, maybe in bright blue with a big red "O" on it. It could stand for Orlando or orgasm. Take your pick. Of course, I'd need a superhero name. Maybe "Libido Man" or "Super Cock". Or not. But I would need a sidekick. Would you be my sidekick, Vig? Actually, I'd rather have you be the handsome man I rescue and then ravish once we get back to my superhero lair. I could always have one of the hobbits be my sidekick. I think it should be Billy, seeing as his accent has a curious tendency to weaken people's defenses. And here's the difference between me and Superman – you don't need kryptonite to get me on my knees, as you well know.
But who needs to be a pornographic superhero when you can be Legolas, the blonde elf tart. I can't wait to see myself as an action figure. If they don't adequately capture my perfect cheekbones, I'll kill them. I wonder if they'll get Aragorn's perpetual stubble. Or if it'll be anatomically correct. I will be highly upset if Legolas is denied a penis. After all, living for thousands of years probably means he shagged all of the elves of Mirkwood, and some of the Rivendell ones, too. Not to mention a certain sexy ranger (the facial hair was a pleasant novelty). Of course, you know that Haldir was the real tease, and Galadriel probably used that mirror to watch porn because Celeborn was so bloody dull.
*You're* not dull, though. You're anything but dull. You're crazy, but in the good way. Not in the I'm-going-to-go-nutters-and-take-out-everyone-I-can-with-a-steel-pipe kind of way. You're crazy in the I'm-going-to-say-incredibly-random-stuff-but-it'll-be-incredibly-cool-nonetheless kind of way. Dom saved all of the crazy messages you left on his machine in New Zealand, and I don't blame him. I could just listen to you talk for hours. Of course, if Dom is thinking about what *I* think about when I listen to you, I'll kill that pervy hobbit. Seriously though, I return to my original point. It really should be illegal to sound that sexy. But since it's not, I'll continue having phone sex with you until the receiver becomes permanently stuck to my ear. I'm not so sure you're good for my health. I miss you, my dangerous, dangerous Viggo.
*****
1-6-01
Well, there's a new addition to my list of most embarrassing moments: Henry hearing me talking about how good you look naked. Thank God he didn't really freak out. Of course, when you grow up with a punk singer for your mom and a crazy poet/artist/actor for your dad, it takes a lot to freak you out. At least, that's what he always says.
Bought my ticket today, and I'm already contemplating what to pack. Tomorrow I'm going to finish making your birthday present, which you'll already have received by the time you read this. I hope you like it. When I left for New Zealand, I had no idea I'd meet the love of my life on the first day. You were so incredibly beautiful, and full of this vibrant energy that was like a force field. I couldn't help but be drawn to you, and you were so sweet, wanting to make sure I fit in okay with everybody. Then when I saw you as Legolas, I was astounded by the complete transformation, not only physically, but in terms of who you became. The serene elf versus the exuberant young man. You have so much talent, Orli. I wish you'd believe me when I say that. Guildhall doesn't accept just anybody, and Pete certainly didn't cast you as one of the primary characters on a whim. You're amazing, Orlando, and I love you so much.
*****
8.1.01
Four more days until you're here. Fifty-seven hours until your flight lands. Well, I won't calculate the minutes and seconds, but you get the idea. It snowed this morning, but everything's all gray and mushy now. Eww. On the bright side, I had dinner with Ian last night, which was delightful. He laughed like crazy when I told him about Henry overhearing our conversation. Hope you don't mind that I told him. Someone came up to our table and asked for Ian's autograph, which he graciously gave out, and then he said that the young woman should also get my autograph. He said that in a year, it'll really be worth something, and so she asked me for it before asking me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime. Don't worry, I told her I'm taken. Like I could ever find someone better than you. Even if she was kind of cute. Just kidding, I swear! I miss you, my incomparable, incomparable Viggo.
*****
1-11-01
So I was watching the news today, and when they did the national weather, they said it was warm and sunny in Orlando. Got me quite confused for a minute before I realized they were talking about the city in Florida. They have a basketball team there called the Orlando Magic. Stupid name for a team, if you ask me, but you do cast quite an enticing spell, love. You're no conjurer of cheap tricks. Sorry. I actually find myself reciting lines from the movies to people who have no clue what I'm talking about. They probably think it's only crazy old Viggo being his usual insane self.
Speaking of insanity, Lij came over yesterday to dry and get me to go surfing. Is the boy an amnesiac? Doesn't he remember what happened the last time I tried that? When I told him that I would *not* be going surfing with him, he called me an old fogey. In response, I told him that if he needed proof that I wasn't an old fogey, he should just call you. He looked slightly terrified and stopped teasing me immediately.
Only one more day until I get on the plane. I miss you and love you.
*****
12.1.01
Okay, I have about ten minutes before I have to leave to pick you up at the airport, so I might as well use them writing in this. I can't believe you're actually going to be here, Vig. I'm so excited I can't even stand it. To be able to spend my birthday with you, waking up in your arms and going to sleep with you beside me is the only thing I truly need right now. I wish you could stay for more than a weekend, but I understand not wanting to leave Henry at a friend's house for more than a few days.
My mum and Sam are looking forward to meeting you. Really, there's nothing to be nervous about, Vig. I swear, they don't bite. Atti does, but you already know that. I stocked up on lube this morning, seeing as I plan on making you my bitch this weekend. Although Dom says I'm too pretty to be the man in our relationship. Sodding arsehole. Okay, so maybe I won't make you my bitch. But I get to be on top the first time.
But you know that I didn't invite you here for sex. Well, sex is *part* of the reason, but I invited you because I miss you so much. This really is difficult, Vig, I won't lie to you. You know that I'm going to be patient and stand by you while you work through your issues about coming out, but it's hard for me. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but because I just have to be honest. Believe me, I know how much you love me, and I love you as well.
I should go pick you up now. Don't be surprised if I'm bouncing when you see me. I miss you, my lovely, lovely Viggo.
*****
1-12-01
We're about to reach Heathrow, so I only have a minute before I have to put my tray table up and stop writing. This will be my last entry in this journal, and by the time you read this I'll be on a plane back to L.A. I'm looking forward to this weekend more than I could possibly express in writing. I'm exhausted now, but when tomorrow morning rolls around, you had better be prepared to deal with an extremely horny man. Manflesh. I just felt like writing that. I can't believe Pete left that line in. Does he have any *idea* how many giggles that will get?
The flight attendant is telling me very nicely that I have to put away
my writing surface, so I guess this is it. I love you so much, Orli.
Don't ever doubt that. You are my soul.
