This is insane. Who the fuck does Pete think he is to lock me in a room with Orli until we "work something out"? What does that even mean? To just accept Orli as a friend and act like nothing ever happened between us? When Orli invited me to have breakfast with him, I felt like saying "yeah, no problem. I'll just sit there and pretend I'm not still in love with you while we enjoy some croissants."
I was filled with this awful mix of elation and anguish when Orli first walked over to me tonight. Elation because, well, just because I was seeing him, because he looked so beautiful, because he was Orli. And anguish because this amazing, incomparable man isn't mine anymore. The 'just friends' thing will never work, I can see that now. Every second I was standing with him I was torn between running away and kissing him senseless. I endured two incredibly awkward conversations with him, wishing for nothing more than for him to leave me alone.
Just when I thought I was safe talking with Elijah, Orli came up to me and grabbed my arm, wanting to apologize for something and pleading with me to listen to him. At first I thought he was drunk, but I have enough memories of what Orli's like when he's drunk to know that he was definitely sober. And then Lij snuck away so he could corral Pete and Sean, who dragged us to Sean's room and fucking *locked* us inside.
So now I'm forced to talk with the man I'm still in love with but who sees me as just a friend. Great. I knew I shouldn't have even come to this damned premiere in the first place. How long have we been in this room? It feels like forever. The last thing that either of us said was my statement "I guess we should talk", which ironically produced dead silence.
After staring at the floor for a few minutes, I look up at Orli and am stunned to see him almost shaking with nervousness as he sits on the edge of the bed, his brown eyes fearful as he looks at me. Why is he scared? With a start, I realize that *I'm* scared. Because if we're really going to talk honestly about this whole thing, I have to tell Orli how I feel about him. Oh yeah, Viggo -- get ready for the icy sting of rejection.
When Orli swallows hard and looks away from me, I'm struck by how young and unsure he looks. "Relax, Orli," I manage to say. "I'm not going to bite."
He gives out a short laugh and a bit of the tension dissipates. "Yeah, I know."
"I still can't believe they're doing this to us."
"We *do* need to talk, Vig."
"What's there to talk about? I thought we resolved things in August, that we decided to just be friends."
Orli picks at the blanket on Sean's bed, staring at it as if he wants to analyze the thread count. "August. Right." His voice is odd.
I sigh and lean back in the chair. "Well if we're going to talk, can I start by asking you a question?"
His eyes meet mine again and he nods. "Yeah."
"What were you babbling on about at the party?"
"When was I babbling?"
"Right before Pete grabbed us. You were apologizing for something, and I had no clue what the hell you were talking about."
"Viggo . . . God, this is hard." Orli takes a deep breath and looks at me with a steady gaze. "I'm so sorry about what happened in August."
"What are you talking about?"
"If I had known that you wanted to get back together--"
"What?! How the fuck do you know about that?" I'm on my feet and shouting now, but I can't help myself.
"Ian told me," he says in a small voice.
"Oh, Ian told you. I see." Shit, this can't be happening. "What else did Ian tell you, may I ask?"
"That you're still in love with me." No. Not that. Orli's not supposed to know that.
"When did he tell you this? Tonight?" I ask harshly as I pace around the room.
"Yes."
"Fuck." I shake my head. "I told him that in confidence."
"I know." He pauses. "Is it true? Are you still in love with me?"
For a split second I consider lying. Then I won't have to face the pain when Orli says he doesn't feel the same way. But when I stop pacing and look at him again, I realize that I have to tell him the truth. I can't hide this anymore.
"Yes, I'm still in love with you, Orlando. I never stopped being in love with you."
Orli closes his eyes. "You never stopped loving me?"
"You were the one who walked away," I remind him.
"Then why didn't you go after me?"
"Because you made it very clear that you couldn't be with me anymore. I had already told you that I loved you and you said that was irrelevant, and I didn't know what else I could offer that would make you stay. But I loved you then and I love you now."
"Oh, God," he whispers.
"I tried to forget you, to pretend I didn't love you, to just move on but it didn't work." Tears are now beginning to spill over my cheeks and I don't even bother to wipe them away. "And then in August I realized that I didn't want to move on because I needed you back. I was all ready to tell you and then you mentioned that you had spent the night with someone, and I knew it was really over for us."
When he doesn't say anything, I take a deep breath and continue.
"Do you want to know what I did on our anniversary, Orli? I spend the entire day looking through the pictures I took of you and the poems I wrote about you. I reread the relationship journals and tried to remember every blissful moment we shared because I knew I would never have moments like that with you ever again."
"Viggo--"
"I know you don't feel the same way, Orli. I know you've moved on, and you had every right to do that."
"Viggo, please listen to me," Orli begs.
"No, just let me get this out, okay?" He nods his acquiescence. "I know Pete wants us to work something out, but I really don't know how to do that. Because honestly, I don't think that I can be friends with you. It'd just be too hard." I take a shaky breath and lean back against the dresser; tears are still flowing freely and I'm close to just breaking down and sobbing. "I'm sorry it had to be like this, Orli. I'm so sorry . . ."
Now I *do* start sobbing, and I close my eyes in humiliation. I can hear Orli's footsteps on the carpet, and suddenly his arms are around me, pulling me close to him. "It's okay," he murmurs.
"It's not okay, Orli. Please, just let me go . . . I don't want you to hold me like this."
"I understand." He steps away from me and I open my eyes.
"Orli?" I ask when I see tears in his eyes. "God, I didn't mean to upset you. Maybe I just should have kept quiet."
"And what good would that have done?" he asks. "Now stop beating yourself up. We both fucked up, okay? And I'm sorry for screwing everything up in August."
"You didn't screw anything up. I don't blame you for wanting to move on, Orli; don't apologize for that. What I really want is for you to be happy, even if it's not with me."
"Listen, can I explain everything? Will you let me do that?"
"Yeah." My hand reflexively runs through my hair. I'm nervous as all hell.
"After what happened in France . . . I wanted to hate you so badly, Vig. I tried, I really did."
"I don't blame you," I say miserably.
"Okay, I need you to not interrupt me now. Can you do that for me?" There's the ghost of a smile on his face.
"Yes."
"When I got back to England, I closed myself off from everyone. I was so depressed that I barely even went out. Then about a week before reshoots, Dom insisted on going clubbing so that I'd rejoin the human race. There were these two girls there, and Dom and I both danced with one of them." Why does he need to explain this? It wasn't cheating, he had every right in the world to sleep with her. Why do I have to hear about this?
"It wasn't like I was really dancing with her," Orli continues. "All I could think about was you. And when she asked me to come back to her place, I thought it would be the perfect way to forget you. Dom tried to stop me, he told me that I'd just end up doing something I'd regret, but I went with her anyway. We took a cab back to her place, and she asked me if I wanted to come in. I couldn't do it. I went home instead."
"What?" I stare at him in disbelief. "But you told me--"
"I lied," he admits.
"I can't believe this," I whisper. "How do I know you're not lying now just to spare my feelings?"
"Because I swear on everything I hold sacred that I didn't go into her flat. I looked at that girl and I realized I would be making a huge mistake if I went inside with her. Honestly, all we did was kiss. Please, please tell me you believe me."
"I believe you," I say quietly. And I do. Somehow I just know he's telling the truth.
"I'm so sorry, Viggo. It was the coward's way out, but I was so afraid of getting hurt again. I had no idea that you were still in love with me, and all I wanted to do was put some distance between us. You were so uncomfortable around me that night and I thought it was because you hated me, which just made me more depressed."
Orli crosses the small distance between us. "Do you want to know what *I* did on our anniversary?"
"Yes."
"I got drunk and watched all of your movies with Atti. He couldn't understand why I wanted to commemorate the day in the first place, but I told him it was because what I had with you was the best thing that ever happened to me. By the end of the night when most of the alcohol had worn off, I was a mess."
"What do you mean?" I know I'm interrupting him, but he doesn't seem to care.
"I was crying so hard." As if on cue, the tears shimmering in his eyes spill over and fall down his cheeks. "All those months I had tried to deny how I felt, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't . . ." He bites back a sob and turns around, going to sit on the bed again.
"Tell me, Orli," I plead in a choked voice, not sure what I'm asking for. "Please."
"I love you, I miss you, I want you back," he sobs.
My entire world suddenly turns upside down. This can't be real. Tears blur my vision once more, and my heart is beating so rapidly that I think it might jump out of my body. Remember to breathe, Viggo. "You . . . I can't believe . . ."
"And then tonight when I saw you it hurt so much," he continues, his eyes focused on the carpet. "You were ignoring me, and I know now why you did it, but I just wanted to cry. Ian noticed I was upset and got me to talk about it. When he told me what had happened in August, I felt sick. If I had known . . . I never meant to hurt you like that."
"Orli . . ." I don't even know what to say.
"That's why I ran over and grabbed you when you were talking to Lij. Ian said you were still in love with me, and I thought that maybe there was a chance you would want me back. I know I lied to you and that I hurt you, and I'm so sorry. But please, Viggo, please tell me that you still want me back. Because I love you so much, and all I want is to be with you again."
He begins to sob uncontrollably, and I can't stand this anymore. I can't watch him be in pain. With two long strides I'm sitting next to him on the bed, drawing his shaking body into my arms. "I'm so sorry," he says again, his hands gripping my shirt.
"I'm sorry, too." I stroke his back, trying desperately to calm him down.
"Will you take me back? Please?" Orli looks at me with a look of such pained vulnerability that it nearly makes *me* start sobbing again. It's such a simple question, but I know I can't take the easy way out. We still have something hanging over us that needs to be dealt with.
"What about the thing that split us up in the first place?" I ask gently. "We can't pretend that it's not a problem for us, and we have to talk about it before we do anything else."
"I know," Orli says in a shaky voice as he twists the fabric of my sweater in his fingers. "I've thought a lot about that."
"Me, too. And if it means that much to you, I'll come out."
He looks up at me. "Are you really ready for that or are you just saying it because you think it's what I want to hear? Tell me the truth. You're still not ready, are you?"
I sigh heavily, knowing I can't lie to him. "No. I'm not ready. I just don't want to lose you, Orli; you're too important to me."
"Viggo, I don't want you to come out because you feel I've given you an ultimatum, I want you to do it because that's what you think is best for both of us. I want to be with you, and I don't want this to tear us apart any more than you do."
"So what do we do?" I ask, feeling my hope start to deflate.
"We set a date for when we'll come out," he tells me in a surprisingly calm voice. "One that will give you enough time to work through your fears. And you don't need to tell me right now when that is."
"What about you? I mean, this can't just be about what's good for me."
"Well, setting a date would help *me* as well. It takes away the uncertainty of not knowing how much longer it's going to be. If I know you're working at this and have a plan, it'll make it much easier for me to be patient."
"But if this is going to make you feel like I'm ashamed of you then we're right back where we started."
Orli sits up and takes my face in his hands. "Swear to me right now that you could never be ashamed of me and I'll never doubt you again."
"I swear that I will *never* be ashamed to have you as my partner," I vow as my pulse quickens. "No matter what happens, I promise I'll never give you any reason to ever doubt how much I love you. And even if I'm not ready yet to say this in public, I will always be so proud to have you by my side." I pause. "Please tell me you believe me."
He nods. "I do."
"So . . . does this mean . . ." I can't find the words that I need.
"Well, first you have to answer my question," he says in an unsteady voice. "Will you take me back?"
I reach up to take his hands, which are still cupping my face. Lacing our fingers together, I smile tentatively. "Only if you take me back, too." Orli closes his eyes and more tears spill down his cheeks. "Orli?" I ask nervously.
He pulls his hands away from mine, but before I can panic his arms are enveloping me in a crushing embrace. "Viggo," he whispers with his head pressed against my chest.
"Is that yes?" My heart is racing like crazy as I dare to return the embrace and wrap my arms around him.
Orli lifts his head and gives me the biggest grin I've ever seen despite the fact that he's still crying. "That's a yes," he laughs. "God, that's a yes!"
"Really?" All of a sudden I'm laughing and crying just like he is, unable to get a handle on the emotions that are overwhelming me. "Oh, God . . . Orli, I love you so much."
"I love you too, old man." He's still wearing that crazy grin.
Filled with insane euphoria, I lean forward and kiss him. It feels unbelievable. Seven months worth of pent-up need comes pouring out as ips immediately part and tongues begin to duel. Orli whimpers when I pull him onto my lap, and I groan as he rocks against me. His fingers tangle in my hair in an attempt to pull me closer while his teeth nip gently at my bottom lip.
"Love you," he says again as he lowers his lips to my neck.
"I'm so sorry about everything, love," I whisper as I hold him tightly.
Orli looks up at me and smiles again, but this time it's a soft, gentle smile. "No more apologies, okay? All the stupid stuff we did is over and done with."
"Okay." He leans in to kiss me again, but I put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"What's the matter?" he asks with a frown.
"That is," I say as I trace the tear-tracks on his face with my thumb.
"They're happy tears now," Orli assures me. "Trust me Viggo, I've never been this happy in my life. I thought I'd never be with you again, but here you are telling me that you love me, and kissing me, and holding me." He has an expression of incredible joy on his face that I'm sure is mirrored on mine. Cocking his head to the side, he suddenly flashes me that familiar cheeky grin. "And speaking of kissing me, why aren't you doing that right now?"
I laugh and kiss him again. God, I forgot how addictive his kisses are. His tongue slides past the enamel barrier of my teeth and I sigh happily against the soft pressure of his lips. I feel like the luckiest man in the world. The fact that this incredible, beautiful, wonderful man is in my arms again is almost too much to bear.
When we finally break the kiss, we're both breathing heavily. "Orli," I sigh. "Orlando."
"What?"
"Nothing. I just like to say your name."
He laughs again. "You're still a bloody loon, aren't you?"
"Some things will never change," I tell him with a grin.
"That's true. Um, speaking of things that are permanent, now that we're together again does this mean that it's the way it used to be?" He looks shy all of a sudden. "I mean, I know we have some stuff to put back together, but do you still want to spend the rest of your life with me? You know, the way you used to?"
"What I want is to wake up every morning knowing that I have two things I can always count on -- you and Henry. As long as that never changes, I'll be a happy man. So yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Orlando. Actually, I'm *going* to spend the rest of my life with you."
Orli's face lights up and he kisses me soundly. "God, you're too much Vig. How am I supposed to compete with that declaration?"
"You're not supposed to compete with it, love," I laugh. "Just tell me you feel the same way."
"Of course I feel the same way!" he exclaims. "You're stuck with me now, old man. I'm not leaving you ever again."
I smile and cup his face with my hands. "And I'm never going to
let you go."
