The Cure For Gothness
Yes, my little Chavian and Red-Necked friends, you've found the answer to all your worries; a cure for that mascara wearing freak that is the object of your scorn and derision. And yes, I know (But I'll keep it quiet) that you actually think they're, ahem, 'pretty fit', and thus wish they didn't go around looking like Dracula in a black leather trenchcoat had a glitter fight with the cast of the Rocky Horror Show. Now, to make that gorgeous Goth yours, you can admit that the whole idea of PVC corsets gets you hot under the collar or that stockings and a feather boa actually DO look good on a boy, which means you'll have to endure the mockery of your peers and probably the outright disgust of the ookie-spookie object of your desire (But here's a quick and easy hint: Tell them they have nice boots). OR, you can get them to take this easy, trouble free CURE for GOTHNESS, which will turn them into a happy, conformist, eyeliner free-zone! Why wait?
The Cure
Step One: Steal their black eyeliner
No Goth-child can stand to be out of the house without full makeup, and even for the strait-edge borderline boy Gofflings, this means black eyeliner. This means that your Goth is now sealed inside their house, fearful to emerge.
Step Two: Lure them with alcohol
Since we all know the best thing to be doing on a Friday night is to be down the local parking lot, sharing a few bottles of cheap alcopops and chain smoking cheap cigarettes, NOT tottering into dirty Goth clubs to drink Czech Absinthe and melt into the haze of smoke from a thousand clove cigarettes, invite your house-bound Goth to come have a drink with you and your friends. All Children of Darkness have a craving for intoxicating drinks, and for many this is alcohol, although some prefer coffee, tea, blood, or soda pop. Unable to hang with their spooky friends (Upside down, most likely), they may or may not accept your invitation. If they refuse, move immediately to Step Three. If they accept, move to Step Four.
Step Three: Ply them with candy
No Creature of the Night can resist candy. All Goths have an inante desire for sugary sweetness, and the sheer temptation of anything sugar dusted and chewy in a rustly wrapper is enough to drive them wild. Offering your Gothling candy at any point will make them an immediate friend of yours, once they are convinced that you aren't putting strange things in their portion. Most can resist lure of sugar for long enough to employ the 'I won't eat anything you haven't tried first' tactic, so when offering a bag of sweeties to your Baby Bat, offer it to a few of your friends first, and a few other friends after they've taken one. Making them the last person you offer it to makes them feel left out, and this will interfere with Step Four.
Step Four: The First Outing
So, you've got your little Spider Child out of their house, without eyeliner (Hopefully), and you've got alcohol and candy to offer them. Here's a few quick do's and don'ts!
DO try and involve them in conversations without asking them any direct questions, like 'What films do you like?' or 'What sort of music are you into?', because then they will launch into some tirade about Crows and Noise and Tim Burton and electric cellos, which is not what you want.
DO try and intergrate them into the group. You will need the help of your friends (If you're a girl) or a female friend and her friends (If you're a boy) for Step Seven, and if they don't immediately loathe your Goth Boi or Grrl, this is much easier.
DON'T compliment them on their clothing, makeup (Which they WILL be wearing, even without the eyeliner) or hair style (Which is probably big and poofy and a weird colour). You don't want them to feel good about being a Goth, because this will make Step Five even harder.
DON'T compliment their foot wear. Really. Don't even go there. I don't care if they're wearing really nice platforms or those bizzare ballet things that nobody can actually walk in or whatever. Do. NOT. Mention. The boots. Most Goths, especially Netgoths (And you have no way of telling whether YOUR Goth is a Netgoth), will interpret this as an invitation for extracurricular activies *Wink wink*
DON'T, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, go there. I don't care if you ARE madly in love with them. Remember, they're not normal human beings! To Wannabe Vampires, sex is almost as meaningless as the lyrics of their favourite Industrial artist. Oh yeah, they pretend they understand those too. But we know better.
All done? Was it a near complete disaster? Never mind... Time for Step Five!
Step Five: Destroy Their Internet Connection
Unless your Goffick Baby has no internet connection, it's almost certain they're a Netgoth, intergrated into a world of similar minded freakazoids via the world wide web. Destroying this vital link in their lives will make them desperate for semi-human company... which is exactly what you can provide!
Step Six: The Gift
Give your Laydee Boy or Gothic Lolita a gift! Clothing is almost certainly the best, but jewellery, makeup, bags, or, if you're feeling extravagant, shoes are almost as good. There's a few simple rules: Choose cute pastel colours or bright primaries, but avoid pink, red, and purple. Many Goff-tings consider these colours, no matter how cutesy, to be 'Alternative'. Buttercup yellow, baby blue and pale mint green are much better, or, if you're going the whole hog, denim! For girls, it should be something delicate, feminine, but not too revealing, and should preferably feature a brand name, rearranged letters, catchy sex-oriented slogan, or cartoony screen print. Try to avoid cats or kittens (Notorious Goth Familiars), including Hello Kitty (Who is actually an icon for many Gottika girls... frequently in the form of bedroom cosplay) and anything 'spunky' or 'funny'. Disney characters are the best of all, unless, of course, they're Jack Skellington! For boys, pick something loose, manly, and very definately not gay, in non-threatening colours like dark blue, white, and brown. Even better, how about a football or rugby shirt? Nothing more normal! Invite your newfound friend out again to mingle, and hint (heavily) that maybe they should wear their lovely new attire. But first, prime your girl friends for...
Step Seven: The Makeover
This is why you need a few good female friends, because normal, strait boys don't do this sort of thing. Once primed with a single football shirt, a pair of jeans, or a bag featuring Scottie puppies wearing diamonte crowns, all you need is for the ringleader of the girls to shriek "Wow, you look so good in that! I know! We should SO give you a makeover! You'd look fantastic!"
From this point onwards, ignore ALL protests and murmers of dissent. You can use as much alcohol and candy as you want, unless, of course, it gets messy.
Of course, this is the perfect opportunity to spring normality on your unsuspecting Jack or Sally! Once fully decked out just like you and all your friends, lavish praise on them. Make sure you get to the rest of the group before the transformed Goth is revealed, so they all know to make a big fuss of how amazing they look, even if they're actually kinda weird looking without all that foundation. All mascara'd weirdos are excessively vain, and having a crowd of people oohing and aahing over an outfit that didn't have to be custom made in a different country and boots that didn't cost three times their monthly salary and makeup that didn't take over an hour to put on is sure to make an impact!
Step Eight: Ask them out
Despite their casual attitude to physical relationships, all Spookalinas are hopeless romantics and spend most of their lives either hunting for a soulmate or sobbing their eyes out recovering from one that wasn't quite perfect. On a wave of euphoria from all the admiration (And possibly high on sugar and drunk as hell too), they should be easy prey if you take them aside and mumble over the words 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'. Also mention, for your first date, that they should wear something like what they're wearing now, since they look so good in it.
Step Nine: Take the pledge
By now, your Goffin or Goffina should be well and truly enamoured with normality. All that is left is to get them to despise Gothiness in all it's forms. For this purpose, I have kindly supplied the following pledge:
For Girls:
I, [insert name here], admit that:
White foundation makes me looked like unbaked dough
My bust is too big/too small [delete whichever is applicable] for that vinyl bustier
PVC is waaaaaay too hot to wear in summer
Bustles do not make my arse look fantastic
I do not look good in a three piece suit
Tim Burton is not god
I have no opinion on who the greatest Dracula of all time was
I would much rather go to the Bahamas than Transylvania
I don't really like music that makes the floor vibrate
I do not consider Twiggy Ramirez/Brian Molko/Johnathon Meyrs-Davies/[insert Gothboi of choice here] to be the most gorgeous human being on earth
I don't actually want to look like Bettie Page/Dita Von Tease/Jessicka from Jack Off Jill/[Insert Deathchix of choice here]
I am not actually bisexual
I AM NOT A GOTH!
For Boys:
I, [insert name here], admit that:
Only women wear skirts, no matter how comfy they may be
It is unacceptable for me to be seen in the women's undewear department, let alone wear a garter belt and stockings
PVC is waaaay too hot to wear in summer
Glam Rock Diva length false eyelashes do not make my eyes look fantastic
I do not look good in drag
Tim Burton is not god
I have no opinion on who the greatest Fetish performer of all time was
I would much rather laugh at horror movies than stay awake all night worrying about evil clowns
I don't really like music played on the electric cello, which is not a real instrument
I do not consider Bettie Page/Dita Von Tease/Jessicka from Jack Off Jill/[Insert Deathchix of choice here] to be the most gorgeous human being on earth
I don't actually want to look like Twiggy Ramirez/Brian Molko/Johnathon Meyrs-Davies/[insert Gothboi of choice here]
I am not actually bisexual
I AM NOT A GOTH!
Step Ten
Now that your pet Lord or Lady Vamp has taken the pledge of Gothlessness, they are now officially NOT GOTH!

Take this certificate, insert the name of your Dark Orchid or Mysterious Stranger, and voila! You have yourself a non-Goth!
...
Yeah, alright. You can sleep with them now.
Disclaimer: This is only meant in fun. It does not work. I hold no great contempt for the fcuked masses, nor do I have any distaste for boys and girls in black lipstick (Quite the opposite, in fact...). And that 'Nice Boots' chat up line doesn't actually work.
Well, only if you're REALLY gorgeous.
And for fuck's sake, I SAY that Twiggy Ramirez is cute, okay? It's my humor. Leave me alone.