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Our Sad Lives
Tuesday, 9 November 2004
IM SO SICK OF BEING LIED TO!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: I'm not ok (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance
I HATE YOU JO!
How could you do this to me?
What kind of mate are you? Oh that's right, you're supposed to be my best mate.
BEST MATES DON'T BETRAY EACH OTHER!
Best mates don't LIE to your face OVER AND OVER AND OVER!
Best mates actually care about each other. They care about each other's feelings. They wouldn't do anything to hurt each other. They wouldn't even think about doing anything to hurt each other!
Well I care about you Jo. But I don't think I should care any more when it's one-wayed! YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME!!
If you did, then you wouldn't have kissed the chick I was in love with!
MORE THAN FUCKING ONCE!
Lets put me in your shoes and you in mine...
Hm ok you've been with someone for 3 months.. on and off yeah but still together. Officially together about 2 weeks. You're fucking in love with them. You'd do anything for them. I know how much you love them.
Your dude tells me how much he likes me. He dumps you cause he likes me. Yeah sure I like him too. He's sexy and sweet. But he's yours.
What I'd do: I'd hate the bastard for doing that to my best mate and support you and tell him "sorry I don't like you. I can't believe you hurt my mate like that." Even if I was fucking in love with the dude, I'd stay away cause he was with you.
Even if you went out with someone for 3 weeks last year and I was in love with them I'd back off and forget him cause he was yours once and mates don't do that.
If he tried to hold me I'd pull away subtley and tell him to hold you. If he tried to kiss me I'd push him off and tell him how much I care about you.
That's what I'd do.
What you do:
Let them be all over you. Hardly even care that you've got a best mate who's hurting like hell. Hookup with them.
BE WITH THEM BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK AND LIE ABOUT IT TO MY FACE!
Send them txts:
"Hey my gorgeous sweetie.."
"Hey Cutie.."
"Hey baby girl.."
"Yeah I wanna be with you too.."
"You make me want to be held by you, how do you do that?.."
Bitch it's not that hard to steal someones phone and read the messages.
You have hurt me so bad!
Do you realise how worthless and unloved I feel?
Do you even care that I lost the person I was in love with CAUSE OF YOU!
No you don't. Just as long as you're happy it's fine right? I've lost someone, you've gained someone.
This is cruel.
Life sucks.
How can I ever trust anyone again when my best friend can lie to me so easily and hurt me so bad?
I am fucking crying now.
Ever had your heart broken Jo?
Not this bad. I doubt you've ever hurt this much in your entire life.
I don't even know what else to say.
Cept I hope you're happy.
Congratz on being the first mate of mine to betray me. Best mate. Hm.
Have a super duper night Jo.

-Anna



Posted by scary/munchkin_pies at 4:40 PM
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Tuesday, 2 November 2004

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Only One - Yellowcard
Anna:

Oooh Jo's hurt me pretty bad. Stabbed in the back by my best mate. Now I know how Milly felt when Sonya betrayed her.
I don't even know if I can write in this any more cause Jo might tell Milly what I write bout her.
DON'T OK JO! These are my feelings. They're sposed to stay in my head - but I have a best mate who I can share it with. Normally.
On Saturday I told Jo some of the times Milly's hurt me. She's my best mate. Don't normally tell anyone these things cause I just sort of pretended they never happened cause Milly's good points make up for them enough, and she's had a hard life, I can understand why she'd get hurt easily and get angry at me easily. Told Jo. Thought she'd keep it secret. But no, she told Milly. Milly got real hurt by what I said. Said it made her feel worthless and stupid. I felt so incredibly bad. It was almost a physical pain. Then I was almost crying in Art and Sam asked what was up and I told her I got dumped on my birthday and fuck just thinking bout it and everything else and I started crying.
Sam took me to the toilets and yeah I cried and sorta told her some of it and she looked after me till it looked like I hadn't been crying then I went back to class.
At lunch Milly wouldn't talk to me then she went home.
In maths Sonya wrote me a note saying "if you're wondering why I'm not talking to you it's cause my best mate is leaving cause of you".
Yeah that's the first I heard of it. Milly might be pulling out of Napier Girls. Most likely will - she hates it so much here!
After school I went to Milly's house cause I felt so bad and wanted to make it up to her.
Soon as she saw me she opened the door and pointed out and got my stuff and put it in my bag. She was looking so fucking angry I was actually a little scared. I tried so hard to talk to her but she just kept pushing me away. I was crying.
She did say something like "Do you remember me telling you about my perfect girl? Who does all that stuff add up to?"
I said "Jo."
And she said "Yeah but the only reason I wouldn't go out with her is cause I wouldn't want her losing a best mate."
Hm.... No worries bout me being all sad cause she picked my best mate over me. No worries bout ME losing a best mate!
Then eventually she calmed down and yeah can't really remember what happened in the middle but it ended up with me offering her my gum (chewed up in my mouth lol) and we touched lips and kissed to pass her the gum. Then she said "this tastes like shit, u can have it back" so yeah kissed again to pass it back.
Then at some point I just grabbed her and gave her a quick kiss, then apologised. Then did it again. Then she grabbed me back and started full on hooking up with me. Fuck I'd missed that.
Then we went for a drive. She's a good driver :)
Well we left on a better note than we arrived on that's for sure!
She wants me to have Jo stay on the weekend so she can see her. Sweet as if that'll make her happy, fine, Jo can come. Well hey I'd wanna see Jo anyway... even though I'm cut cause she told Milly what I said but hey.
I'm mixed up.
I want her back. Obviously. But hey, like that'll happen. Jo'll come over this weekend and Milly will be all over her like last weekend and I'll end up depressed again but hey, I got no excuse to be jealous any more cause we don't go out.

On a happier note (not) exams tomorrow! Better go study!

Luv Heaps
Anz





Posted by scary/munchkin_pies at 6:48 PM
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Monday, 1 November 2004
Yay First Entry!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Changes (3 Doors Down)
Anna

Hey I'm Anz!
What's up with me today? I GOT A NEW CELL!!! It's a Samsung phone and it's little and silver and it's a pix phone and colour screen and wow it's so cool! Hehe I was buzzing over it before until I realised I have to let it charge for 12 hours which means I CAN'T TXT! Haha well neither can Jo cause she left her charger at my house. SORRY JO!

Ok I've been depressed all fucking day. Wanna know why? Cause I got dumped yesterday. Yeah, on my birthday!
Went over to Milly's house after school just for a visit, to see my girlfriend on my birthday. She goes to me "talk time" and takes me into her bathroom. Before she can say anything I say "If you dump me on my birthday I'll kick your ass!"
Milly: I'm really nervous bout Jo coming to stay here. Do you think she'll like my house? I really want her to like my house.. blah blah blah.... we're gonna be sleeping in the same bed.
Me: Yeah so?
Milly: {says something bout being nervous bout her coming again}
Me: Get over her!!
Milly: I don't even like her!
Me: Milly I'm not blind I KNOW you like her! I can tell... {etc etc then I got it out of her}
Milly: Ok I do.. but only a little bit! I just think she's hot. You know how you meet a bi chick and just cause they're bi you automatically like them?
{Just for the record I do know what she means - that's what it was like for me when I first met her!}
Anyway yeah then she said that Jo doesn't like her anyway and she'd never do anything with Jo cause she's my best mate.
Yeah well long story short a little while later she wrote me a txt on her phone saying "we can't be together any more. We can be friends" or something. Then I fucking cried and she was being all nice to me saying we'll be together again one day and she's just confused and doesn't know where her heart is blah blah blah. Then I had to go and she gave me a hug and a kiss and said "have a good birthday sweetie"
My birthday was still ok. Managed to stop myself from crying and have fun anyway. Had two dance classes to take my mind off things and heapsa nice prezzies and food and family around!!

Anyway today, yeah depressed again. She made it worse by saying something to her mate Kate while I was there bout "with my next girlfriend I'm gonna give my heart away." which made me feel real good. What, didn't she give me her heart? Aren't I worth that? She didn't mean it as a bad thing, she wasn't aiming it at me. But it made me feel like fucking shit. Then she went home and I was close to tears. Ok I did let some tears out and my mates asked what was wrong and I said I felt sick.
When I got home and rung her we talked for a bit normally. Somewhere in the convo she said "Would you hate me if I went out with Jo?" .... (silence from me)... "Don't worry I'm not going to, that'd never happen. It's just a question. Would you hate me?"
I said "I dunno.. I'd really dislike you".
She said "Would you hate her?" and I said "No but I wouldn't be her friend any more."
Milly said "What?! Why?"
I said "She's my best mate. If she went out with my ex-girlfriend who I'm in love with then that'd be fucking mean."
She said "You can't be in love with me any more... (as in, we dont go out)... oh wait I suppose you could be.."
Yeah damn straight I could be! What, does she think I'm over her and am quite happy to be her mate? Yeah right. It's fucking killing me on the inside I'm fucking depressed. She has hurt me so bad. I'm sick of being hurt.
Fuck I tried so hard for her. I never ever put her down (unlike her x-gf Tash who was constantly abusing her). I did everything I could to keep her happy and not make her angry but she just got angry at me anyway and hurt me by telling me she hates me and to get out of her life forever. But no I kept coming back and everytime she was shitty at me I never fought I just apologised and apologised for whatever stupid thing I did without realising it and went and saw her to try and make things right cause yeah maybe I really care about her and maybe just maybe I do love her and wanna be with her. But hey, it's not what I want that matters.
I'm fucking crazy cause yeah I'm gonna be her friend cause I'd rather have her in my life a little bit than not at all and hey there's always that tiny chance she'd take me back and yeah I'm a fuckass for hoping that and yeah I'm a dumbass cause if she did want me back I'd go back to her like I always do. I'm in love. It makes you do stupid things.
Gonna go listen to some depressing music now and have a cry by myself.

Love heaps,
Anz

Posted by scary/munchkin_pies at 12:01 AM
Updated: Monday, 1 November 2004 7:51 PM
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