Mood:
Now Playing: Changes (3 Doors Down)
Anna
Hey I'm Anz!
What's up with me today? I GOT A NEW CELL!!! It's a Samsung phone and it's little and silver and it's a pix phone and colour screen and wow it's so cool! Hehe I was buzzing over it before until I realised I have to let it charge for 12 hours which means I CAN'T TXT! Haha well neither can Jo cause she left her charger at my house. SORRY JO!
Ok I've been depressed all fucking day. Wanna know why? Cause I got dumped yesterday. Yeah, on my birthday!
Went over to Milly's house after school just for a visit, to see my girlfriend on my birthday. She goes to me "talk time" and takes me into her bathroom. Before she can say anything I say "If you dump me on my birthday I'll kick your ass!"
Milly: I'm really nervous bout Jo coming to stay here. Do you think she'll like my house? I really want her to like my house.. blah blah blah.... we're gonna be sleeping in the same bed.
Me: Yeah so?
Milly: {says something bout being nervous bout her coming again}
Me: Get over her!!
Milly: I don't even like her!
Me: Milly I'm not blind I KNOW you like her! I can tell... {etc etc then I got it out of her}
Milly: Ok I do.. but only a little bit! I just think she's hot. You know how you meet a bi chick and just cause they're bi you automatically like them?
{Just for the record I do know what she means - that's what it was like for me when I first met her!}
Anyway yeah then she said that Jo doesn't like her anyway and she'd never do anything with Jo cause she's my best mate.
Yeah well long story short a little while later she wrote me a txt on her phone saying "we can't be together any more. We can be friends" or something. Then I fucking cried and she was being all nice to me saying we'll be together again one day and she's just confused and doesn't know where her heart is blah blah blah. Then I had to go and she gave me a hug and a kiss and said "have a good birthday sweetie"
My birthday was still ok. Managed to stop myself from crying and have fun anyway. Had two dance classes to take my mind off things and heapsa nice prezzies and food and family around!!
Anyway today, yeah depressed again. She made it worse by saying something to her mate Kate while I was there bout "with my next girlfriend I'm gonna give my heart away." which made me feel real good. What, didn't she give me her heart? Aren't I worth that? She didn't mean it as a bad thing, she wasn't aiming it at me. But it made me feel like fucking shit. Then she went home and I was close to tears. Ok I did let some tears out and my mates asked what was wrong and I said I felt sick.
When I got home and rung her we talked for a bit normally. Somewhere in the convo she said "Would you hate me if I went out with Jo?" .... (silence from me)... "Don't worry I'm not going to, that'd never happen. It's just a question. Would you hate me?"
I said "I dunno.. I'd really dislike you".
She said "Would you hate her?" and I said "No but I wouldn't be her friend any more."
Milly said "What?! Why?"
I said "She's my best mate. If she went out with my ex-girlfriend who I'm in love with then that'd be fucking mean."
She said "You can't be in love with me any more... (as in, we dont go out)... oh wait I suppose you could be.."
Yeah damn straight I could be! What, does she think I'm over her and am quite happy to be her mate? Yeah right. It's fucking killing me on the inside I'm fucking depressed. She has hurt me so bad. I'm sick of being hurt.
Fuck I tried so hard for her. I never ever put her down (unlike her x-gf Tash who was constantly abusing her). I did everything I could to keep her happy and not make her angry but she just got angry at me anyway and hurt me by telling me she hates me and to get out of her life forever. But no I kept coming back and everytime she was shitty at me I never fought I just apologised and apologised for whatever stupid thing I did without realising it and went and saw her to try and make things right cause yeah maybe I really care about her and maybe just maybe I do love her and wanna be with her. But hey, it's not what I want that matters.
I'm fucking crazy cause yeah I'm gonna be her friend cause I'd rather have her in my life a little bit than not at all and hey there's always that tiny chance she'd take me back and yeah I'm a fuckass for hoping that and yeah I'm a dumbass cause if she did want me back I'd go back to her like I always do. I'm in love. It makes you do stupid things.
Gonna go listen to some depressing music now and have a cry by myself.
Love heaps,
Anz
Posted by scary/munchkin_pies
at 12:01 AM
Updated: Monday, 1 November 2004 7:51 PM
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Updated: Monday, 1 November 2004 7:51 PM
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