Gundam Wing:

The Childhood Years

We here at Iron Puncher have always strived for greatness. That or a half-assed job, but that’s beside the point. We have decided to try investigative journalism. Shinji shall be our Chief Editor, I, Linc, shall be the slave, err, investigative reporter, and the others will have miscellaneous jobs, such as filming, producing, and getting me donuts and taking trips to Starbucks.

So what to investigate? Inside Edition did the Monica scandal, Hard Copy had the Russian Mafia, ET had ‘Brady Bunch: Happy TV Family, or Drug Abusing, Horny Teenagers?’, and Dateline did ‘Elvis: Dead or Alive? Graceland Speaks Out’. Naturally, being an anime site, it had to be anime.

So when the others and I could come up with squat, we did the natural thing. We blamed Shinji. After threatening to eat his pet pig, he came up with something; Gundam Wing: The Early Years.

We were bored, hopped up on altoids and ‘Ocean Breeze’ incense, sooo…

Why not?

Ladies and Gents, Iron Puncher, the ‘What Were They Thinking?’ Production Agency in part with Lotus Works Studios, and the Jigglypuff of Doom! Group proudly presents;

A Load of Crap!!!

(aka GW: The Childhood Toys)

First of all, we decided to try and talk to Mr. Heero Yuy. Unfortunately, he had gone into hiding after Relena tried to smooch him. So who better to track down the bishonen then my cat Nekono? Probably anything else would have worked better. Screw you!

Heero- What the hell? How did the fangirl find me!?!

Linc- With THIS!!! *Holds out Nekono *

Nekono - *waves* Hi Hee-chan!

Heero- …After hiding in Russia for two friggin years, I get found out by a cat.

Linc- KITTIE, actually. He can smell Gundam Pilots.

Nekono - Especially Wufei. But that’s nothing. I can hear Zelgadiss within a 30-mile radius.

Linc- What did I tell you about Insulting Wufei!?

Nekono - That next time you WON’T steal his katana…

Linc- I’m glad you remembered.

Heero- …This is all very strange…

So after Heero locked Nekono out when he tried to curl up in his lap numerous times, I got to talk with the ex-pilot. At times, Heero threatened to kill me, but I stayed strong. Finally, he gave up, and I learned about his first childhood toy.

(That's a self-destructing bike for those of you who can't figure it out...)

Next came Duo Maxwell. I wasn’t too sure where the blighter got to, so I had to shake down people for some info.

Linc- So… How have you been?

Hilde- I’ve been great. Actually, my car broke down, but Duo Maxwell fixed it up for me in his shop on L2.

Linc- Have you talked to any of the pilots since the Marimea incident?

Hilde- Just Duo, over on L2.

Linc- I’m looking for someone by the name of Duo Maxwell. Ever hear of him?

Hilde- … Actually, we’re like the best of friends. I just got off of the phone with him.

Linc- Even though you don’t really know they guy, do you have a guess as to where he could be?

Hilde- ….

Linc- *Damn. She’s not talking.*

Hilde- He’s on L2. Would you like me to fly you there or something?

Linc- I can see you have no clue. Thanks for your time.

Hilde- ….

Linc- Don’t worry ma’am. A lot of the people we talk to have no information.

Hilde- …I think I need a nap…

Well, Hilde was a total bust. I had to find Duo, and I had to do it fast. Then I hit the Jackpot while walking down Broadway St. They were putting on a production of ‘Hair’, and guess who the main character was?

After an hour or more of sitting through that load of hell and almost gouging my eyes out with the soda straw, I got an exclusive interview with Duo.

Duo- Isn’t Barbara Walters supposed to be interviewing me?

Linc- She had an ‘accident’, and won’t be joining us.

Duo- …You locked her in an elevator, didn’t you?

Linc- ….Maybe…

After talking to Duo for a long time, mainly about why Suave is better than Herbal Essences, I learned of his first Christmas present.

Next we had Trowa. This is hard for any Journalist to admit, but I was afraid of this assignment. Why, oh why? You ask.

He was a clown.

So for moral support, and incase he tried to eat my skin off, I took Sno with me. We arrived at the circus to the smell of cotton candy, funnel cake, and animal dung. Reminds me of home…

We found Trowa’s trailer, but he was already performing. A lady with funky star earrings, a pink dress, who looked and acted like my sister (enough for me to haul my ass outta there), came up to us.

Cathy- Hello, my name’s Cathy. Are you a friend of Trowa’s? Would you like some soup?

Sno- …I didn’t know your sister worked at the circus, Linc.

Linc- Uh, no miss. We’d actually like to talk to Trowa.

Cathy- Oh well, he’s performing. And nobody gets to him unless I say so.

Linc- My god… With the Trowa and soup obsession, they’re exactly alike…~

Sno- Did you notice she doesn’t blink?

Linc- Um, how can I get your permission?

Cathy- You’ll have to fill in for Trowa in my act.

Linc- Sure! I always wanted to be a carnie!

Cathy- …

Linc- *sweatdrop*

Sno - Right. I’m going to get some peanuts from the elephant. I’ll share with you if you’re still alive.


Linc- You gave me a yellow outfit that looks like the thing Sakura wore when she caught the Watery card…

Cathy- I think it looks cute!


Cathy- Hey! Our names both have a ‘C’ in them!

Linc- I’m hoping you do juggling with really soft balls…

Cathy- Juggling? *walks out*

Linc- *follows* What do I do again?

Cathy- Stand against that wooden plank. *waves to cheering crowd*

Linc- *stands as people latch her down* Hey, what are all of these holes doing here?

Cathy- *pulls out knives*

Linc- Umm… I’m hoping she’s going to eat a steak with those…

Cathy- *throws one*

Linc- *Looks two inches from her foot* …….AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Cathy- *throws another one and it lands near Linc’s middle finger*

Linc- HEY!! Be careful! I NEED THAT FINGER!!!

Cathy- *the next one lands between her arm and chest*



Cathy- *knife lands a foot from Linc’s head*

Linc- Contrary to what some people think, I DO USE THAT!!!

Cathy- *pulls out the last knife* Oh my gawd… The reason she’s not scared… She wants me to kill her…


Cathy- *knife lands inches from head*

Linc- …I didn’t need a haircut, thank you…


Trowa- You were very brave out there, miss.

Linc- *nods*

Trowa- …is there any reason why she’s sitting as far away from me as possible?

Sno- She doesn’t like clowns.

Trowa- Ah.

Linc- *scoots farther away*

After Trowa and I having a contest of ‘Who Can Say The Least Amount Of Words’ through the entire visit, Sno almost getting devoured by a lion, and Trowa letting me have a pair of his puffy pants so I won’t be afraid anymore, we found out Tro’s childhood toy:

Next on the to do list; Quatre. Since Arabia is pretty far away, I tied a Lord of the Rings special edition DVD to the end of a string on a stick, wiggled it in front of Yamato’s windshield, and got there in no time.

Yamato- You know, you could have just asked.

Linc- What would the fun be in that?

Quatre- Is there any reason you two have crashed through the study’s bay window while Rashid and I were playing chess?

Linc- You were playing CHESS!?! Omigawd we’re sooooooooo sorry.

Yamato - Check Mate.

Q & L- Huh? *turns*

Rashid- Damn. It’s enough to be beaten by Master Quatre, but this? I’m not half the man I used to be…

Quatre- ….

Linc- Please don’t sing.

Yamato - Don’t feel so bad. I graduated at the top of my class at Oxford.

Linc- I thought it was Harvard?

Yamato - …who asked you?

Quatre- Well, you are guests, no matter how much damage you did to the apolstrey. Rashid, please bring us some tea.

Rashid- You know, just because I call you ‘Master’ doesn’t mean I’m your slave.

L/Y/Q- ….

Rashid- *gets up* Fine…

After sitting down for tea and crumpets with ‘Master’ Quatre, we found out his favorite toy from the early years:

Before I got my paycheck (HAHAHA! Yeah right…) I had one more pilot to go in my story.

Chang Wufei.

I got on a plane to China with Shinji. I said he didn’t have to come, but the dude insisted. Later, I found out it was because the rice wine was so much cheaper.

Shinji- I think he’s starting to wake up.

Linc- Well it is 8:00 AM, and we’ve been sitting here since 6:00.

Wufei- *opens eyes* Gnyah? Huh? Wait… WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TWO!?!

Shinji- Well, no need to be rude about it. *drinks rice wine*

Linc- Wakey wakey!

Wufei- Hey! That’s my wine! *grabs it*

Shinji- *gets another* Oh yeah!?! Well, I say you’re not man enough to drink rice wine!!!

Linc- Have any of you had that before? It tastes pretty frilly to me…

Wufei- Are You Calling Me Weak, onna!

Linc- … That was so cliché that I’m going to cry.

Shinji- Oh yeah!?!

Wufei- YEAH!

Shinji- CHUG!!!

Linc- *Watches them chug* …


Wufei- Iiiiiiif Iiiii cooooooould taaaalllkkk toooo the animaaaaaalllllssss….

Shinji- Squuuuak and squeeeeeeek…

Wufei- Yer ALLLLLL right….

Shinji- I looooooooove you, man…

Linc- …Could I ask you something Mr. Chang?

Wufei- Whasszat, purdey laaaayyyyyddeeeeyyy?

Linc- What was your favorite childhood toy?

Wufei- Come closther and I’ll whisper it to yooooouuu…

Linc- As long as you promise not to barf on me.

Wufei- …deal. *whispers*

Linc- …Oh my.


Wufei- AHHHH!

Linc- ...

Wufei- You told people I play with My Little Ponies!?!

Linc- Uh... don't you mean 'played' as in PAST-tense?

Wufei- ...

Linc- ...You're going to kill me now, aren't you?

Wufei- Yes. Yes I am.