WARNING- 3 Yaoi couples and 1 Yuri, plus really baaad jokes. Relena & Hilde bashing.
This chapter was written later on, so I think the humor's a little better. At least I hope so.
Voice of Reason: okay... It's Donna "Summer" but she didn't sing "I Will Survive" - that was Gloria Gaynor.
Linc: ...who cares?
*+*+*Ha! I’m back again, renewing the goofy shit found only in... um... Well, myself... So what if my stories got deleted and there’s no way in hell I could ever rewrite them? So what if I spent hours just staring at the ceiling? So what if I missed the end of OutLaw Star? And so what if my life has become even more depressing than that of Duo’s? That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my sense of humor of which many of you know and love! You know what I say to all this misfortune? *Suddenly Donna Sumner appears singing ‘I Will Survive’*
“I will survive! Oh as long as I-”
Heero- Hey! I’m supposed to do that!
Linc- Get over it.
“I should have changed that stupid lock, should have made you leave your keys-”
Heero- This is so sad...
“Hey, hey! I will survive!”
Heero- God help us...
Linc- Yes! I still got it!
Shinji- And what ‘it’ is, many of us still don’t know...
Linc- Shad ap...
“Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I will survive!”
Heero- Why am I even here...
Quatre- OK, you guys! Heero and I are leaving! Be good.
Duo- Yes mother...
Heero- You’re going too.
Wufei- The OZ base, Duo...
Duo- I knew that. *Gets pushed out of the house by Quatre.* Really! I did!
Heero- Now, as for you two...
Wufei- What’s it today? Destroy mobile dolls, assassinate Romafeller, do the laundry... C’mon Yuy, out with it! Or should I call you ‘01’, because I am the lowly ‘05’ and I always get stuck with the shit jobs!?!
Heero- ...Well, since you put it that way, you get to stay home with Trowa.
Wufei- ...you can’t...
Heero- Well, there’s ‘03’ now...
*Trowa is sitting on the couch in his um... cloud... PJ’s, smiling at Wufei. *
Wufei- Yuy! You can’t just play God with our lives!!
Wufei- Huh? *turns*
*Heero is no where to be found, nor is the car he’s sharing with Quatre, or Duo’s motorcycle...*
Wufei- ...Oh no...
*BZZT!* The electricity is out...*
*The Chinese pilot makes a mad dash for the door, only to find himself locked in. He goes for the doorknob, but his hands are covered in sweat! He’s panicking! HE’S PANICKING, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!*
Wufei- o.o *Turns with his back against the door, only to find that Trowa.... is GONE!!!*
Off stage- Bum BUM BUUUUUMMMM!
Voice- I see yooouuu....
*Meanwhile, doing 70 on the highway...*
*Duo turns off the highway, and onto the main streets.*
Man in Pick-Up Truck- Hey cutie... *smoochies*
Duo- o.O* Uh, I’m a guy.
Man- I know. *wink*wink*
Duo- ... ~...and who says I look like a chick...~
Woman in Purple Chevy- Hey you!
Duo- ...Uh, hi.
Woman- Jesus saves, my friend!
Duo- ...It’s the priest clothing, isn’t it?
+Red Rover, Red Rover, Send That Bishonen on Over!+
Man in Buick- Hey, you. With the braid...
Duo- Huh? *turns*
Man- *wwwhhhHHHHIIIIRRRR* *Points a portable hair-dryer out the window* Look out buddy, I’m packin’ heat.
+Green Day *WHOOO!*+
Woman in Limo, possibly Diane Summers- Hey you!
Duo- ~I’m gonna regret this...~ Yes? *turns*
Diane- Could you do me a favor?
Duo- I guess so...
Diane- In that case, pull my finger.
Duo- ...Excuse me?
Diane- Pull my finger.
+Green _____ (fill in the blank, people.)+
Duo- ~Just stare straight ahead... Do not make eye contact...~
Man in Buick- Excuse me, sir?
Duo- DEAR GOD! *Turns* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!
Man- ...Uh, I was just going to ask you for directions to Dairy Queen...
Duo- *sweatdrop* I’m sorry, man... It’s been a rough day...
Man- That’s OK. We understand, don’t we, Frank?
Duo- *Peers into empty car* ...Frank?
Man- *His finger shoots up with a little smiley face on it* Meet Frank.
‘Frank’- Hello, you silly man!
Duo- Uh... um... yah... er...
Man- *Leans in closer out the window* You recognize him, don’t you?
Duo- ...I do?
Man- You know... The Ziplock ads?
Duo- ...This is going to be a long day...
*We join our little blonde bishonen, and his Japanese ‘friend’, as they walk up in the Psychiatry building...*
Heero- Room 405... 405... 405...
Quatre- Here it is, Hee-chan. It looks like it just started, too. *Opens the door*
*Everybody is sitting in a ‘couch circle’, whilst tea and muffins are being placed in the center.*
Heero- ...This doesn’t look like OZ to me...
Quatre- I always suspected Trieze was a little ‘light in his loafers’.
Woman- *Walks up to them* Greetings! I’m Mary, the group counselor. When will your wives be joining us?
Quatre- I’m sorry, but is this the OZ meeting?
Mary- Oh, no. This is the couple counseling. The OZ meeting was canceled because they thought someone would infiltrate it.
Heero- *cough* Well, we’ll just be on our way then...
Mary- Wait! If you already paid, then why not stay and invite your spouse. We have plenty of time for them to arrive.
Quatre- Oh, come on, Heero! It’ll be fun!
Mary- That’s the spirit! What are your wives names, so I can add them to the list?
Heero- Er.. No wives.
Mary- I’m sorry! Girlfriends?
Mary- ...well, this really is a ‘spouse, romantically involved’ kind of thing, so I don’t think your female friends would really work too well...
Heero- Oh, well, hey. We’ll catch you some other time!
Quatre- *Grabs Heero’s shirt collar*
Heero- *Struggles to get free from Quatre’s vice-grip*
Quatre- Actually what my boyfriend here means to say is, we are a couple...
Heero- Heh... heh... *sigh...*
*Back at the house, the blackout is still on... or off, depending on how you look at it...*
Wufei- *Steps further out into the room* ...T...Trowa?
Voice- Yuuuummmmyyyy Wufeiii...
*The Chinese pilot can feel the hairs on his neck begin to rise. A cold chill runs up his spine. His breath quickens. Every second he waits is one more closer to-*
Wufei- HEY!! Will you cut that out!?!
Wufei- That's better...
*Hand taps on Wufei’s shoulder*
Wufei- EEEEK!! *Turns to see Trowa standing with a box of matches and candles*
Trowa- Wow, that was very masculine of you...
Trowa- *Lights a candle* I went to the basement and got these. Help me out. *Hands some to ‘Fei*
Wufei- *sighs* I swear to god, Barton... If you ever do that creepy voice thing again, I’ll-
Trowa- What voice thing?
Trowa- ... Tell me that was you...
Wufei- *Eye twitches*
Voice- Siiiilllkkky Trowaaaa....
Trowa- ...So, what do you say we make a mad dash for your room and hide under the covers?
*All pride set aside (Although from the fact that Trowa is wearing little cloudy jammies could have told you that a while ago...), the two boys cover their asses and run for the upstairs, lock Wufei’s door, and scramble under the covers.*
Wufei- *pant*pant* This is humiliating...
Trowa- *pant* Especially since you’re in nothing *pant* but boxers and a t-shirt...
Trowa- *pant* Hey! This could have been a Lemon fic!
Wufei- ...That bitch is mine.. *grrrr...*
Linc (Off Stage)- Yipe!
*After surviving the mean streets of- ...wherever he is, Duo Maxwell finally arrives at the OZ base.*
Duo- Bum bum... bumbum bum, bum bum. Deedo doo... deernew.. bum bum-
Voice- Excuse me, why are you singing the ‘Mission: Impossible’ song?
Duo- ~Drat! I’m caught! And I was only in the lobby too...~
Voice- Uh, sir?
Duo- *Turns* It’s good for your vocal cords.
Voice, who turns out to belong to Dorothy...- ...really?
Duo- Hey, I never lie. *cough*
Dorothy- Oh, well... Would you like me to take you on a tour of our office building? It is regular business hours, after all.
Duo- ~...huah...~ Sure.
Dorothy- Right this way, then.
*Walking... walking.. walking.. La la lalaaaa...*
Dorothy- That’s Lady Une, er.. Colonel Une, now. She’s a real psychopath.
Duo- *looks at Une who is clad in bell-bottoms and and a Grateful Dead tie-dye shirt* How so?
Colonel Une- Hello, Dorothy. How are you today?
Dorothy- Just fine. I’m showing this gentleman around.
Colonel Une- *hands them each a daisy* Well, have a good time my friends. And remember, make love, not war. *Skips off*
Dorothy- *cough* And that would be Romafeller.
Duo- Why’s he doing Taibo?
Dorothy- He thinks it makes him young and ‘frisky’.
Romafeller- Kick and step, and one, two, three...
Duo- *Shudders* Bad, bad, bad images...
Dorothy- And through those doors is Treize.
Duo- *Peeks through the crack...*
Trieze- Hmmm... Yes, I do believe the white pants do make my ass look very nice... What the hell. I’ll wear fisherman’s boots, too.
Duo- *Gets up* Heh heh... Didn’t see you there, Colonel... You’ll just have to wait your turn.
Une- It’s LADY Une, now. *Glares through her glasses*
Dorothy- Oh dear...
Duo- Uh, well, Lady, can I see Trieze?
Lady Une- MISTER Trieze has no time for the likes of you.
Duo- *Whispers to Dorothy* I think she has a little too much fun saying ‘Mister Trieze’...
*2.5 seconds later...*
Duo- OW! Hey! Whatever happened to, ‘make love, not war’!?! *Lands on sidewalk*
Lady Une- Hmmph! *Slams door*
Duo- Crickey.... I wonder what would happen if she wore a monocle...
*Group Therapy. All Fanfic authors have been there at least once...*
Mary- OK! Now that we’re all here and settled down, we’ll be going around the room and the men will be introducing themselves, and saying 3 things they like about their spouse!
Mary- But first...
Mary- *Pulls out two puppets. One of Pikachu, the other, Charizard.* We’d like to talk to you about feelings.
Heero- ~Dear God... If you get me out of this, I will not kill Relena Peacecraft. ...Only maim her.~
Mary- I’m Mary, and I’ll be conducting this group. On the center coffee table, there are muffins, tea, and tissues for when we get into the touchy subjects.
Quatre- *Elbows him in the stomach*
Mary- As for my friends here, they’ll be helping me through out the discussion.
‘Charizard’- Grr... *Growls at it*
‘Pikachu’- *Turns and looks pretty mad. Well, for a sock-puppet...* PIKA!
‘Pikachu’- PIKA PIKACHU! *Opens mouth*
*In the next five minutes, Pikachu has ‘swallowed’ Charizard. A raging hand war goes on, and finally, Pikachu is ripped off the hand, and hangs limply in Charizard’s mouth.*
Mary- Oh no! *Grabs Pika-Puppet* Pikachu!
Mary- SPEAK TO ME!!!
Mary- *Sniff* It’s so hard when they loose... Oh well. *Throws them into potted plant.* Lets begin.
Bob- Uh... I’m Bob, and this is my wife, Nancy. Three things I like about her would have to be... 1. Great cook. 2. Loves me for who I am, even with the pot belly. 3. Takes good care of the kids.
Nancy- Awww... *smooches Bob*
Mary- How sweet! Next?
Bill- Uh... I’m Bill, and this is my girlfriend, Nicole. Three things I like about her would have to be... 1. Great cook. 2. Loves me for who I am, even with the pot belly. 3. Takes good care of my little bro.
Nicole- Awww... *smooches Bill*
Heero- ~This may take some time...~
*50 minutes later...*
Mary- ...How sweet! Ne-... *Looks at Quatre & Heero* Um... Why don’t both of you just go.
Heero- OK. ~Oh no... What if I can’t think of anything!? Quatre’ll hate me... Here goes..~ Um... 1. Looks good in an apron, and socks, although he only does that when we’re alone...
Heero- 2. Loves me for who I am, even though I blow up stuff. Including myself. Although, hey.. We’ve all done that before, right?
Nancy- Bob has...
Bob- Uh, honey?
Nancy- Hey mister. I remember the Labor Day cookout all too well...
Heero- 3. Takes real good care of Wing when I’m not around.
Mary- Uh, your turn Quatre...
Quatre- Me? ~Oh crud...~
Heero- ~...Why is there this sudden eerie silence?~
Mary- Oh, c’mon Quatre! There must be something you like about Heero!
Quatre- He makes a mean sushi!
Heero- Um... Ouch?
Mary- Okay! Now we’re going to do an entire group exercise. The other couples will analyze your relationship! And since Quatre *glare* has pretty much analyzed everybody else’s, we’ll just be doing his.
Quatre- Heh heh...
Rosco- Well, frankly I think Quatre is a little depriving of Heero.
Nancy- Tell us about it...
Quatre- Now wait a minute! ~This isn’t how fics usually go... hmm...~
Heero- Hey, Quatre I’m going to-
Quatre- Just a second, I’m debating our everlasting love.
Heero- But I-
Quatre- In a minute, Heero!
Nicole- Poor Heero...
Mary- You know what guys, I think you’re right.
Lucy- Really, Quatre. You under appreciate him! I’d kill to have a man like that! ...If he wasn’t gay and all...
Lucy- Sorry, babe.
Quatre- I don’t at all! Isn’t that right, Heero?
Heero- Well, I-
Mary- Why don’t we give Heero a chance to talk. Heero, go ahead.
Heero- Well, now that you mention it, I hav-
Mary- Not to us, Heero. To Quatre.
Heero- .... Well, Quatre... You have been gone an awful lot...
Quatre- But we have missions!
Mary- Trying to make excuses won’t help, Quatre.
Heero- And you do go out with the Maganac boys quite a bit these days...
Quatre- But they’re my friends!
Heero- *Sniff* And all of those endless night with Sandrock!
Quatre- But that’s you with Wing!!!
Mary- Quatre, you can’t let your obsession with cars get in the way of your relationship.
Heero- *Sob* What am I to you, Quatre!? I’m not just there for you to use!!
Mary- There, there... Let it out...
Quatre- But I’m the uke!!
Heero- Damn it all, Quatre!!! What if I wanted to be the one tied to your coffee table!!?!!
*Back at the darkened house...*
Duo- There. I guess Tro’ and Wufei were too dumb to figure out what an electric box looks like... Hey... where are the buggers?
*Duo walks upstairs, to find Fei’s room locked. Never told by his momma, ‘Knock before entering’, the lock is quickly picked and the door swung open.*
Duo- Well, well.
Wufei- *Opens one eye* Shut up... *Rolls off of a sound asleep Trowa*
Duo- I can’t leave for one day and not come back to find you two boinking each other, can I?
Wufei- You know damn well that didn’t happen...
Duo- Do I, Wufei? Do I?
Voice- Awwwaken, Trowwaaaa.....
Duo- What the hell?
Trowa- *Sits up* Not again...
Duo- Hmm... *Walks to hall closet* Ah-HA!
*The door swings open, and Catherine is revealed, sitting with a microphone.*
Catherine- Yeah, well... How else was I going to get into this fic!?!
*Quatre walks up the stairs, and into his room. A few moments later, he appears with some hand-cuffs.*
Duo- ... Q-man?
*Quatre walks back down, and is seen again. This time, with a blushing Heero in his arms.*
*Quatre’s door locks, and a chilled breeze passes through the hall.*
Catherine- ...That’s our cue to, um...
Trowa- Haul ass?
*And so, our final chapter ends with four of the heroes eating ice cream at a Dairy Queen. Trowa is beside Wufei, still with his PJ’s on. Wufei is trying to ignore the hand roaming up and down his thigh, without much success. Duo and Catherine exchange tips on lather, rinse, repeat. As for Heero and Quatre, it all depends on how Hentai your imagination is.*
Shinji- Whatever happened to Zechs?
Heero- You’re fucking weird.
Linc- And I’m so damn good at it, too.
Shinji- Maybe you should lighten up on the swears.
Linc- What’s the fun in that?
Heero- Donna Summers left a while ago.
Linc- Good for her.
Shinji- What about your survival song?
Heero- Didn’t you say something about Destiny’s Child, ‘Survivor’?
Linc- And since there are three of them and three of us, I figured... H/S- ...no.