Ohohohoh my baby, how beautiful you are
Ohohohoh my darling, completely torn apart
You're gone with the sin my baby and beautiful you are
You're gone with the sin my darling.
-HIM

Part A: Ernest

That night I sat alone in my bathroom, staring endlessly at myself in the long mirror on the back of the door. How had things gone so utterly wrong? I didn't understand it. I knew I wasn't in the wrong - I mean...come on, how could I have known about Christopher's grudge against Blue? I sighed and lowered my head to my knees. Why had I done that to him? I shot his apology completely down. This could've all been over with by now! How did I convince myself that pushing him away was a freaking good idea?
"Shit..." I whispered, cursing myself for being such an idiot. As I was preparing to break down and cry my fucking eyes out, I heard a gentle knock on the door. It was Umi, I knew it was. She had always known when I was upset, and she always came running to make me feel better. I guess it was like a little-brother-is-sad homing device or something.
"Come in." I choked, trying to hold back the tears for just a little while longer. I lifted my head up a bit from my crouched postion and found that it wasn't Umi this time.
It was Mandee Nemeth.
"Hey Ernest..." she uttered, approaching me slowly - as if I was going to bite her. I didn't look up at her from my spot on the floor, but I managed to mutter a 'hey back.' At that point I didn't know how long I could hold in my tears, so I chose to keep my head down. I didn't want Christopher's spy to see me vulnerable and blow my cover.
"So," I whispered, my voice cracking as I glance up at her with just my eyes, "what brings you here?" she gave me a mock-smile and crouched down to my level.
"Ernest, I didn't come because Christopher asked me to. I came on his behalf," she paused for a moment before continuing, "don't tell him I talked to you, or I'll never hear the end of it."
I smiled slightly and nodded my head in agreement, keeping my mouth shut waiting for her to continue talking.
"Ern...Chrissy told me he tried to apologize to you today. Why didn't you let him? I mean, he really likes you, even with the whole Blue 'thing' hanging over your head." she said with what appeared to be genuine honesty. I sighed and decided to confess to her the truth. Don't ask me why because if you recall, I hated this girl on sight. Now...it was almost as if I were talking to my sister.
"Umi made me realize some stuff today. Ever since Chris fucking rejected me, all I've done is sit around my house and mope and whine. That's seriously all I've done for what... three days? Fuck, I can't even remember anymore! And today, when I saw that you and Christopher had transferred to our school, I went ballistic! I got angry and yelled at her during lunch. Then, I guess she was fed up with me so she told me straight. She told me that, with the way I had been acting, it's no wonder that Chris didn't want me. So...I told myself that the best thing to do would be to make him hate me. That way, things won't end with us like they did with him and Blue. I don't want to put him through that or anything else..." I trailed off, realizing that I had just blurted out the length equivalent of my life story. Silence stretched between us for a while before Mandee answered,
"Ernest...why didn't you just accept his apology? Do you honestly think that Christopher's too good for you?" she asked, her hand resting on my knee sympathetically.
"I just...don't want to cause him any pain. I know I'm fucked up, so I don't want to get involved with him in the completely rational fear that I'll fuck him up too." By now, the tears that I was so desparately trying to hold back began dripping down my cheeks as freely as rain. I buried my face in my hands and lowered my head between my knees, trying to make myself as small as possible. I had just broken down in front of the enemy. I had failed in my mission of ruthlessness. Mandee rubbed my shoulder comfortingly,
"Please don't cry, Ern. Christopher's not as fragile as you think he is. He's not made of glass. He really likes you. He barely knows you and yet he sits in his room every night and writes letters and love poems to you that he wishes he could send to you, but doesn't have the guts. He's only allowed me to see a few of them, but from what I've read i can tell you this...he's falling in love with you, Ernest. He doesn't even care about what Blue said anymore. He just wants to be with you, no matter what that means."
I stared up at her, the tears still streaming down my face. He was...falling in love with me? The same way that I was still falling in love with him. Maybe this was destiny. Maybe this was meant to be. But then again, I still had doubts. I didn't want to put Christopher through anything that he shouldn't be put through and I didn't want him to bear my burdens as well as his own. I didn't know what to do.
"Mandee...I really like Chris. In fact, I've been slowly falling in love with him since the two of us crossed paths but...I don't know about all this. I've built up my walls and hidden behind my smart ass exterior for a long time. I've hidden so long that I don't know if I can come out again," I faultered, wiping the tears desparately from my honey brown eyes with disgust for myself, "you're the first person besides my sister to see me vulnerable like this in a very long time." I admitted, laughing a little. Mandee smiled and caressed my hair,
"Ernest...Christopher likes you. Please, for yourself, give him a chance. It's not too late."
I looked away from her, feeling like a wounded puppy that'd been hit one too many times.
The tears didn't stop falling until she wrapped her arms around me and whispered small comforts in my ear for a while. It is because of this incident that I love Mandee. To this day, I regard her as another sister. Though she did the same thing that Mandee was doing for me at that moment several times, Umi also took the time to make me tough - and I thank her for that...but I decided it was time to let down my walls and to take a step outside my fortress. I have Mandee to thank for that.

Later, around midnight, I tip-toed across the hall and slightly nudged Umi's door open. I quietly snuck in and closed the door behind me. I walked over to my older sister's bed and drew back the covers, slipping myself underneath the warm black blankets. She stirred and turned around in bed, opening her eyes slowly. She looked at me as if she had been expecting to see me there,
"Hey there." she whispered, her voice hoarse from sleeping.
"Hey." I answered, looking at her in the darkness. We didn't say anything else for awhile. We just lay there looking into each other's eyes. I couldn't see what was in hers, but I know she could see what was in mine and before I could give her my gratitude for letting Mandee talk to me earlier, she smiled and said,
"You're welcome Ernest." See, I told you she could read me like a book. We didn't say anything else, we just snuggled up next to each other and slept the night away. I hoped that she would say we could play hooky the next day...but somehow I don't think she really wants me to. I have far too much work to do.

Part B: Christopher

I sat on the end of my bed looking out the window and at the city sky. It was nothing but a myriad of blinking neon lights. I couldn't even see the moon from where I was. It was almost depressing. Ever since I was a little kid, I had always loved the moon. Something about it just enticed me to no end. But now...I couldn't see anything. Not the moon, not the sky, not one single star. For all I knew, there might not even be a sky anymore. More depression.
"Hey Chrissy..." My sister said softly, opening my door and stepping inside. I never really minded when she came in without knocking. I mean, it's not like I had much need for privacy and besides...she's all I've got in the whole world. Why would I want to bar her from my life?
"What's up Mandee?"
"Not much, how are you doing?" she asked politely, resting her hand on my cheek lovingly. I gave her a half-hearted smile and shook my head in frustration,
"You know how I'm doing. I pretty much feel like shit." I cried softly, scoffing at her supposed ignorance. She hugged me, fully aware of my distress,
"I know, honey."
Suddenly, for no apperant reason, I started crying. I detested crying. The only time I cry is when I just can't hold it in anymore. I dunno, I guess this had probably been building up for a while.
"Why wouldn't he let me just talk ? All I wanted to do was apologize. I fucking love him for Christ's sake! Doesn't he know that?!" I bawled, my hands balled up into tight fists by my side. Mandee remained silent while I cired, even as my knuckles bordered on turning white. I got up and walked over to the wall. I looked at it for a second and just punched it. Hard. When that didn't satisfy me, I punched it again with even more fury. I needed to get out some of my frustration before it ate me up from the inside.
Unfortunately, I chose the wall as my punching bag, so as you can imagine, it hurt like hell.
Despite the gut-wrenching pain in my hands, I just kept hitting the wall as hard as I could until my kuckles started to bleed. It felt so good. It was almost like all my problems were leaking out of my knuckles and onto small puddles on my bedroom floor. I had been a cutter once, during my time at home with our parents...but therapy got me clean. Now, I realized what I had been missing out on. Just like Blue would always be a punk, I would always be a cutter. In one way or another.
"Christopher please..." Mandee sighed, coming over to take a look at my injured hands,
"why did you do that? You haven't done it in ages..." she said calmly, a defeated look in her eyes. She looked at me and carefully smoothed the hair out of my eyes. I glanced away from my sister, knowing full well how worried she was.
"I'm sorry..." I said, nearly gagging on my own words.
"It's alright. Let me bandage them for you..."

After Mandee had bandaged my hands she left me in my room to think. I suspected that she had something to tell me about, but when I asked about it she said that it could wait until morning. However, as I glared up at my ceiling...I decided that there wouldn't be another morning. I was tired of morning after morning of agony. Nothing in my life has ever gone right. Not one goddamn thing. First it was my parents, then it was Blue, now Ernest. What the fuck was next? I just didn't know. And quite frankly...I didn't care. I didn't want to cause my sister any pain at all, but I reasoned that if I just killed myself then, that it could spare her years of anguish. I walked into my bathroom and opened up my medicine cabinet. I felt around the back of it, trying to find the secret compartment. I found the tiny latch with a string attatched to it, and pulled. The whole back of the cabinet gave way and behind it was something like a vault. There were only two things in the vault. The first was a bottle of sleeping pills and the second was a case of razors that Mandee had made me throw away when we moved here. I didn't of course. I just told her I did, so that she would leave me alone. I knew that with the way my life had been going since I was freakin' born that I would need one of these things eventually. It's funny, even when it comes to suicide I give myself choices. It was either, die in my sleep or slit my wrists. My ultimate fantasy was to slit my wrists and die fucking someone, but of course...that wasn't going to happen.

It had taken me half an hour to decide. Kinda sad if you think about it. I mean, I guess it really wouldn't matter. I was going to die either way. I chuckled and took one last look at myself in the mirror. I was going to miss that reflection. I knew I would never see it again and it made me kind of sad. It also made me sad that I was probably going to go to hell. I never believed in that stuff really, but I had a feeling that suicide somehow sent you to hell whether you believed in it or not. Just a hunch and a few too many Edward Lee books I guess.
"Bye-bye reflection. Bye-bye Christopher." I mumbled to my reflection, tears welling up in my chocolate brown eyes. It was almost sunrise by that time and I wanted to do it before my sister woke up. I stumbled over to my bathtub, which I had already filled with warm water and slid myself into it, still in a tank top and boxers. I leaned my head on the back of the tub and sunk down into the water for a moment. I hoped that I was doing the right thing.

I picked up the newly sharpened razor from the edge of the bathtub and clutched it tightly in my right hand, inspecting both sides to make sure that it was sharp enough. I submerged my arm in the water and gently put the razor to my wrist.
"Ahh..." I whispered as I dragged the instrument up my arm, cutting open the bandages already there and hoping that I had gone deep enough. When I reached my elbow I let out an exhausted sigh and quickly switched the razor to my left hand. I had to cut quick or I would lose the feeling in my arm. I repeated the same process with my right arm, only much faster. I tossed the weapon onto the floor beside the tub, my arm lingering over the side for a couple of minutes before the pain became so unbearable that I had to submerged my arms in the warm water and clutch my hands together. It hurt so much that I shuddered in the water, my head propped up against the porcelain.
"Finally..." I exhaled, my eyes slipping peacefully closed.
From then on, all I could see was darkness.

Part C: Mandee