Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low, I have messed up
Better I should know, so don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
-Sarah McLaughlin
"Ernest! Get up sleepy head! Time for school!" Someone yelled, a man's voice, shaking my shoulders. What the hell?! Who the fuck is......I opened my eyes and grunted,
"What the fuck...Maverick?" I grumbled, sitting up clumsily and rubbing my eyes with my palms.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, giving my half brother the death glare to end all death glares. He rolled his eyes and yanked the covers off of my bed,
"I'm here to watch the store while you guys are at school. You know what that means."
"Oh god.....you're moving in aren't you....?" I asked, visibly annoyed, my voice still hoarse from sleep. He slapped my arm and mussed my hair,
"Yep." he teased, still sporting that oh-so-seriously look. I sighed heavily and flopped back onto my pillow. I muttered an inaudible 'great,' but he didn't catch it. He smacked me one more time for no good reason (is it freakin' good luck or something?) and walked out of my room. I rubbed my eyes again and stared up at the ceiling. I remembered suddenly the dream I had.
It was about Christopher. That didn't surprise me one single bit. I hadn't stopped thinking about Christopher since I got the call from him the night before. I huffled and swung my feet over the side of the bed. Might as well get dressed now. School starts in an hour.
Half an hour later Umi and I were at school. I was in history with possibly the hottest, yes most boring teacher on the face of earth, and as far as I knew, she was in math. Poor girl, I'd hate to have math at 7:30 in the morning. Not that history's too much better. I listened to the teacher ramble on for about 3.5 seconds about some crap that was completely unimportant before taking out my CD player and brooding to some more HIM. His Infernal Majesty is my brooding music, in case you haven't figured that out by now. I had my pencil and sketchbook out, doodling absently, when something completely unexpected happened,
"Excuse me, sir, are you Mr. Wilde?" said a voice from outside the door, barely audible over my music. I paused my CD out of curiousity.
"Why yes I am, and you must be the new student! Come in, come in!" said Mr. Wilde, stepping aside and letting the student in the classroom, "Everyone, this is our new student, Christopher Nemeth. Please make him feel welcome."
I froze... Christopher? I gazed at him intently from my desk. A moment later, our eyes met and he seemed to be having the exact same reaction to me that I was having to him. Well, maybe not the exact same. I suspected that while I was still falling in love with him, he hated my guts.
After the introductions Mr. Wilde pointed him to a desk ahead of me in the next row.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. I could not believe that he had first period with me. Jesus fucking Christ.
Swear, swear, swear, curse, curse, curse. That's all that was going through my mind at that moment. I put my head down for the rest of the period and didn't look up until the dismissal bell rang. I got out of my desk and swept by Christopher before he had time to mock me.
At lunch, two hours later I was sitting with Umi and some of her friends by the water fountain. The two friends that were with her included Serena, her best friend and Xelloss, her boyfriend,
"Umi, why the fuck didn't you tell me that Mandee and Christopher transferred to our school?"
I yelled at her, my face turning red with anger. She sighed and motioned for me do sit down next to her.
"Calm down Ernest. I didn't tell you because I knew that if you found out, I would never have gotten you out of bed this morning, but for fucks sake...why don't you just go talk to him?" she said, looking at me with just a twinge of annoyance on her face,
"All you've done since Friday is bitch and whine and brood. Would you just get over yourself already and go talk to Christopher? I mean, seriously Ernest, I'm tired of getting yelled at for everything that's fucking bothering you. With the way you've been acting anyway, I'm beginning to think that Chris got lucky that you're a slut. You probably would've ruined his life."
I sat there on the fountain completely bewildered, my mouth agape. Did my own sister just chew me out? After all that comfort and love the night before...she just went cold on me. Even the gun thing didn't cut through me as bad as this. I looked away from her, got up from my spot at the fountain and without another word, I stalked away. How dare she! Stupid bitch of a sister. I didn't need her...or anyone else for that matter. Not even Christopher. I decided then that my sister, as much of a bitch as she can be, was probably right. Someone like Christopher Nemeth deserves someone much more well adjusted than me. I would do nothing but make his life completely miserable. I told myself that if he tried to talk to me, I would do whatever I could to push him away. If I made him hate me...maybe I could spare him some misery.
And that's what I did. Everytime I saw him that day I glared at him and stuck my nose up at him whenever he would even glance my way. I swallowed my love for him and channeled nothing but hate in his direction. Please Christopher...please know that this is for your own good...
"Hey Ernest..." someone said from behind me, catching me by surprise in the parking lot (where I was waiting for that bitch of a sister of mine to drive me home). I turned around and was face to face with Christopher. Of course, I mean...who the fuck else could it have been?
I looked at him with disgust plastered across my face, careful not to reveal my true feelings.
"What the fuck do you want?" I hissed, opening up the car door and throwing my things in carelessly. I'm sorry Chris...
"Ernest.....I'm really sorry about the other day....I just wanted to..."
"What? You wanted to what? Apologize? Well fuck you, it's way too late for that!" This is easy, I'll just say the exact opposite of how I feel...
"No, please, let me explain Ern. I really don't want this to end, I..." I held my hand up to stop him from talking,
"No Christopher, don't even talk to me with that familiarity. It's too late for all this shit now."
It's better this way isn't it? That way, I won't hurt you. Hate me, Chris. Please, hate me.
I glared at him for a while longer and it took every iota of my will power not to be affected by the sorrowful look in his chocolate brown eyes. He nodded and turned away from me quickly. My heart ached for him, and also for myself. When he turned away from me, I knew I could see tears running down his cheeks. I love you Christopher Nemeth...I can't get much lower than this. Please...for the love of god....hate me.