is it me?
Mood:  down
Now Playing: "silence" sarah mclachlan/enigma
Topic: dealing with people
so i guess this is my first weblog. figured maybe it would be a way to get some of this stuff out of my head without alienating anyone. i am trying to find a job and i am starting to think that it would be a mistake before i get therapy and medication for manic-depression, which i have been cycling rapidly thru since before christmas. i just don't know how to deal with people anymore and i don't know when that changed for me. i used to be fine-you know, able to keep my thoughts to myself when inappropriate to share them. now i will just say what i think and it usually gets me in trouble. the catch 22 is that i need a job to afford therapy, but need therapy to handle working. and an even bigger catch is that i don't really want to work, but i don't want to be stuck at home all day every day either. so i just don't know what to do. trying to stay off the booze without anything to do with my time is hard. i feel i have no purpose and nothing that i am working toward achieving. i looked into college today, and i am afraid of that too, however it sounds better than another dead end job and it would give me plenty to do. again a financial issue though, of course. sometimes i feel like a prisoner. a prisoner of the "american dream" and a prisoner of my own mind. all these constant thoughts plowing through my head, millions at a time and so fast. sometimes it's like a dream and others it's too real to deal with. or so it would seem because i have never been taught how to deal with any of it so i guess i am just doing the best i can. but i feel like a complete failure so if this is the best i can do than no wonder i am so self destructive.