My name is Unferth. I am cool. Welcome to the Beowulf hate page. 
Who is Beowulf, you ask? He's a hero. He's a good guy, a warrior that makes everybody happy. Huh. He's stupid. He can't even see well! The guy seriousy needs to see an eye doctor. He's a shrimp-you could step on him by accident! He's like, ten inches tall! He's got horrible teeth. Sure, they laugh at my rotten and decaying chompers, but no one ever points out that his are just as gross.
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Below you will see Beowulf as he really is...
He killed Grendel. Grendel was so beautiful, so precious! But I could never be Grendel's buddy, 'cause Beowulf-the-monster-murderer just had to rip his arm and his head off. Poor Grendel. He wasn't a bad monster, he just got in with the wrong crowd. So he ate a couple guys and got Hrothgar's shiny hall a little messy. Big deal.
Hi. My name is Grendel. Do you taste good?
I should tell you a bit about Hrothgar. Hrothgar is a whiny, cheese-eating, hall-building ninny. So what if he's descended from Sclyd Shefing? Scyld's a dumb ogre! Who cares if the guy came on a boat of gold? Geez. Simpletons. Anyway, Hrothgar is a complete idiot if you ask me. I mean, if he doesn't want great blood-dripping monsters coming and dripping blood on the hall of his dreams, then why does he go and build it by a dark, scary, slimy fen? Doesn't take a genius to figure that out, pal.
Why I, Unferth, should be the hero instead of Beowulf
- They say Beowulf is so cool 'cause he's able to accept what is bad and what is good about him as they are. I can do that! I can accept all the bad things about me! I CAN ACCEPT MY NASTY BOIL! DON'T STARE AT MY BOIL!!! I MUST PICK AT MY BOIL!!!
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- I'm taller. I have 20/20 vision. I swear, no one ever notices what a short-sighted midget that guy is. How can a guy who can only see three feet in front of himself be a hero?
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- I can't believe that Hrothgar actually thinks that Beowulf's friend Breca was carried to Norway by the current. I have never heard such a stupid, outrageous story! The royal family are all idiots, every last one of 'em. Beowulf killed Breca, you mark my words.
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- I would give monsters like Grendel and Grendel's mommy a chance. Oh, poor Grendel. Poor Grendel's mommy (she's hot, huh?). See, now, I have feelings and I care for misunderstood monsters! I, Unferth, will proudly take a stand for scary-monster rights! Stop laughing. Stop it!!!
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- I can get stung by bees too. Bees are black and yellow, good and bad, right? So are rotting banana peels. If I eat a rotting banana does that make me a good guy too? Huh, symbolic boy? HUH?
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- I know a lot about beer. You don't need any more than that, trust me.
I asked Grendel's mom to go out with me, you know. She turned me down! So poor lovesick little me, I followed her, and what do I get? I get my head chopped off and hung on a tree in the fen! How's that for a shameful death! All because I was chasing the chick...woman...snake-thing of my dreams! Normally it's "happily ever after" in romance stories like these, but storytellers just don't play by the rules when it comes to poor--yet handsome--misunderstood guys like me.
Yeah, I'm pretty misunderstood. They all hate me, don't they? DON'T THEY?!!! It's just not fair. I never got a chance to prove myself! I can be so bad, I'm good! But where am I now? Hanging from a tree in the fen! IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIRRRR!
Take my quiz! Do you hate Beowulf too?
