The Return review
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[The Return]
Plot:Joanna Mills (Gellar), a traveling business woman, begins having nightmares of a murder that occurred 15 years ago. Soon she is drawn to an old farmhouse, where the murder took place.
Cast:
Sam Shepard,
Darrian McClanahan,
Wally Welch,
J.C. MacKenzie,
Sarah Michelle Gellar,
Frank Ertl,
Adam Scott,
Peter O'Brien,
Kate Beahan,
Brad Leland,
Bonnie Gallup,
Brent Smiga,
Erinn Allison,
Robert Wilson.
My Thoughts:For Pete's sake!
Review:I still am not sure what to say about "The Return"...the latest attempt at a good supernatural horror/thriller, and Sarah Michelle Gellar's latest attempt to appear in a good horror movie post "Scream 2". Well one thing I can say is...in this films case both attempts failed, miserably! Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Joanna Mills, a supposedly beleaguered traveling business woman, although the writing in this film is so poor she doesn't even come off as beleaguered. No seriously, beleaguered means a person with some sort of personal issue or issues. That really plague and affect their life. However Ms. Mills seems more like Buffy the Vampire Slayer mixed with a little Erin Brockovich, a tough no nonsense type of girl who knows how to talk business with the "men folk". Anyhow, as one of the worst films I've ever seen in quite sometime moves on...on her way out of town her cd player starts going nuts and so her first reaction is to stop her car and jump out and get as far away from it as possible. Ok...so that's totally non-cliche, I mean how many times do you see a horror film character run from danger rather than towards it?? Of course that still doesn't do her much good, as soon a big visual white out scene, reminisscent of Rose entering the demon's lair in "Silent Hill" all of a sudden lands Joanna on the side of the highway, with no recollection of how she got there! Add to that once she hops back in her car, she's forever plagued with visions of a woman and some other supposedly scary situations that she just can't seem to figure out where they came from. And guess what...neither could I! Nor could anyone human or animal figure out what was going on in this messed up and mixed up mess of a film. Adam Sussman's script for "The Return" is one of the most absurd things I've ever seen, I mean this script was worse than some of the stuff Uwe Boll writes. It's obvious Sussman hasn't watched many if any supernatural horror/thrillers to know the rules of the genre or the certain pitfall's to avoid. It seems that he broke all of the rules or never had any to begin with. And as for the pitfalls, he didn't fall into them, he literally drove smack dab right into the middle of them! First of all there's no explanation for anything that happens here. How did Joanna go from being on the road at night, to lying in a ditch on the side of the road the next morning?? Why didn't a passer by notice her or her car which was sitting there overnight with the door hanging wide open?? Where did these visions come from?? Why is she having them and not other people?? I mean Sussman should know even as an amateur writer, supernatural visions always have to have a point to them. In this movie, Sarah's character runs around hallucinating with no method to any of the visions. At some point I wondered if maybe one of the rednecks in the hick town she was in had slipped her a roofee in a deleted diner scene or something. Speaking of this town, Lasalle Texas, you've gotta love how the tv spots for the film make us think the town is haunted or abnormal somehow. But it's really just your average midwest craphole with very unattractive and strange looking people. There's nothing supernatural about it, except how visually unappealing it is. I mean this town takes visually unappealing to a whole nother level. Basically throughout the whole movie Joanna runs around with these visions, but shows a slight sliver of common sense when she visits her dad to see if he can explain what's going on, because along with the visions Joanna has also picked up a nasty little habit of cutting herself. But daddy seems so burnt out that he pretty much just offers her a place to stay while she's in town, and when she refuses he pretty much washes his hands of her. Then there's her best friend who gives a rats ass about Joanna for about 5 minutes while she's back in town. But then around act two, the best friend character has mysteriously vanished from the movie entirely. As if the poor excuse for a support system wasn't bad enough, one of Joanna's creepy co-workers played by Adam Scott shows up in Lasalle and attempt's to rape her in one scene, but not before a stranger in shining armor shows up to stop him. But in this hick town, even he seems weird. Which is further emphasized when she goes to visit him in his redneck shack on the edge of town early in act three. After the local hicks have nearly driven Joanna to the edge, the film tries to pack in all the supernatural gusto it can in act three to end the movie on a positive note but the ending is so absurd and everything that comes before it is so boring and pointless that by the time the end rolls around -- you either don't care or have hung yourself from the theater balcony just to stop the visual pain of such a waste of celluloid. "The Return" is truly THE WORST film of 2006.
Positives:Sarah Michelle Gellar hasn't aged much since "The Grudge" 3 years ago.
Negatives:The script, the acting, the characters..just an overall bad bad film.
Overall:Avoid at ALL COSTS if you value your sanity and visual abilities.
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