Alone in the Dark review

horror movies&stuff

[Alone in the Dark] (Plot:A former agent of a government black ops/paranormal investigation unit known as 713, decides to try and piece together the mystery behind recent attacks and weird events that all revolve around ancient artifacts, the orphanage he grew up in, and the people who he was in the orphanage with.) (Cast: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Mathew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi, Karin Konoval) (My thoughts:I thought this movie had some potential, boy was I wrong.) (Review:The film starts off with a scroll explaining to us that an ancient advanced race called the abskani believed there were two worlds, a world of light and a world of darkness. Of course being the geniuses that they were, they opened a portal to the dark side that they closed a bit too late, thus resulting in their entire civilization being wiped out by the freakish looking creatures that lurked within this dark world. My first question is, if they were so *smart* wouldn't they have a.figured out a way to protect themselves from the possible threat of these monstrosities, b. closed the portal after they got a quick glance inside, or c. maybe have not opened it at all? Anyways, when the abskani were wiped out, the artifacts used to open this portal were buried at the far ends of the earth (Tomb Raider anyone?), so that no one could ever find them. It also seems that some humans made a pact with these creatures in order to be spared, and lost their humanity in exchange for a form of immortality. One of these people was a doctor who performed experiments on children, fusing their spinal cords with the creatures, in order to create sleepers, people who would remain normal until a certain point in time when they are called upon. Early on in the film Christian Slaters character Edward Carnby, who we later find out is a former agent of a government paranormal investigation team called 713, has a run in with one of these *sleepers*, a bald man whos seemingly invincible. This is about as good as the film gets until near the very end. The fight scene between Carnby and this super strong dude is pretty well done, despite the fact that Uwe Boll had to toss in his beloved "House of the Dead" bullet time effect once during these scenes. Carnby has alot in common with this dude, seeing as how he too was fused with one of the creatures, before he escaped the orphanage. But due to him being electrocuted as a child, the creature inside him was killed, and lays dormant. This film had some really great ideas, and a great story, but between the bad acting, horrid dialogue, and or course bad directing, the film just doesn't use what it has storywise to it's advantage. I think had you put this film in the hands of a director like Tomaselli, Romero, or hey, even Paul Anderson, it would've turned out way better than this disaster. The films antagonist comes in the form of a man by the name of professor hudgens. He was one of those people I mentioned above who made a deal with the creatures to save his own ass, so to speak. This plot point is really ludicrous considering that when you see the main baddie for the first time, it hardly resembles a creature thats capable of talking, or making any kind of deals with anyone who speaks the english language. In fact, the creatures in this movie are your usual rip and rage types. Smash through anything and everything to get to their target, and slaughter them. It's things like this that make the film totally unbelievable and ridiculous. Hudgens was planning to transport one of the creatures on a boat, but was betrayed by his hired goons when they figured they could get a good payday by selling the gold crate whatever inside was confined to. They of course are killed when they stupidly open the crate. The creature escapes, but Hudgens survives. Another problem with this film is that nothing happens for most of it. It's just Carnby investigating this mystery of stolen artifacts, and former orphanage friends (the sleepers I mentioned earlier) walking out on their families. The mystery is so drawn out, that it becomes boring. Extremely hot Tara Reid showing up as the professors assistant doesn't even help the film, especially since shes relegated to not doing much except sucker punching Christian Slaters character and then having sex with him a few scenes later in another one of many random scenes that just come out of nowhere. We also get the disgruntled former 713 team members of Carnby who are led by Stephen Dorff. They seem to always show up magically when need be, just as the creatures have Carnby and Aline (Tara Reids character) surrounded. Ones gotta wonder how Carnby became a 713 agent to begin with, because it's obvious in this film his life preservation skills suck. The one bright spot in this movie were the creatures. They are a cross between a dinosaur, and the super licker from "Resident evil". There are also a few sandworms which are shown near the end. The film wanders aimlessly towards the climax, and throws in some shooting scenes set to hard rock music for good measure. None of which manage to save the film though. It's obvious that this movie was going that bad, because after a scene where the 713 guys show up to save Carnby and Aline at the museum, all of a sudden Aline, Carnby, and the 713 soldiers magically know where to go to put an end to these creatures, and yet somehow are still clueless about the person responsible for sending them. Then again, the only person to come into contact with out mysterious villain was clueless Tara Reid, so in a way it's poetic justice. The great thing about the climax, was that the film was almost over, and that the scenes where the 713 agents battle the hordes of creatures topside was the only bright spot this film had. Thats all quickly washed away though, by what has to be the most dumbest sacrifical death by a movie character ever is carried out by Dorffs character. Oh by the way did I mention that 2 people die at the end for no apparent reason? I guess they wanted out of this movie too. The films ending sets it up for a sequel (as if thats ever gonna happen), and also rips off "Resident Evil" and "Resident Evil:Apocalypse". Seems while everyone was fighting at the mine, the city was being evacuated. Yet we aren't shown any scenes of that happening, nor are we given any reason to believe that any of these creatures made it into the city, or anyone but 713 and Carnby knew of them. Poor Uwe, I pray one day he gets it right. This movie was bad in a so bad, it's bad way, not a so bad it's good way like (atleast in my opinion) "House of the Dead" was.) (Pros:The creatures were awesome looking, the plot and backstory on the abskani tribe were great. A few good action scenes.) (Cons:This great story was given to the wrong director. As I said if this story was given to a Romero or Hooper, it would've been put to much better use. The dialogue was terrible, and the acting was worse. Random scenes just tossed in left and right, and plot holes big enough to drive a mack truck through are enough to sink this movie like a small rusty tugboat.) (Overall:I think this will be this years worst horror film, despite it being only February. I can't possibly see any horror movie upcoming, that has the potential to be as bad as "Alone in the Dark" was.)