So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Taking all of this into account, how do you, the nice guy, go about the business of relationships? The key is to quit suppressing your inner asshole. If you're unable to do this, chances are that you're going to continue to be unhappy with relationships, and most likely unhappy with yourself. You have to change your whole mode of thinking, which is hard to do at first. But, if you've been burned quite a few times, just let your natural aggression do the work. Seriously, the more jaded you become, the easier this whole thing is to pull off. Your worst enemy at this point is the childish naiveté that makes you think she's different from the rest of them. Don't listen to that voice. It's the old you, wanting to revert to what he believes is safe and comfortable. Kill that guy and bury him. Bring on the tension and confrontation!

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you have to be in control, especially early on in the relationship. If you are telling her how wonderful she is, buying her gifts, and/or calling her daily, you've probably lost it already. Women hate guys who worship them. You can feel this yourself. You sometimes feel as if you NEED to pick up the phone and call, and you feel as if you'll die if you won't, when you constantly pay compliments, when you always do little "thoughtful" things that suggest you are under her complete control, you know deep down in your gut that you are slowly humiliating yourself. You need to stop, take a deep breath, and evaluate yourself. This is especially true if you have been dating less than a few months.

Here are some rules I would follow when starting a relationship with a new girl.

*Hold back. Don't express your true feelings, especially if they are overwhelmingly positive. Never volunteer anything, especially the “L” word! This is suicide, especially if you say it first.

*Occasionally, for no apparent reason, be irrational and unpredictable. Sometimes you will need to be aloof and distant for short periods of time. This reinforces to her that you aren't being controlled. When she controls you, she'll lose interest quickly.

*Be a little selfish sometimes, even on occasions that you don't really care about the outcome.

*For heaven's sake, don't listen to a word that she says when she tells you what she wants (we've seen that women don't know what they want, so whatever they say has to be incorrect!).

*Never waver from this plan. You can NEVER let your guard down.

*Be firm

Let's look at each of these in detail.

Hold Back

When you begin a relationship, women are desperately looking at every piece of information that you can provide them about yourself. The ironic part is, they REALLY don't want to know. Remember that women tend to want to live in an idealized world, and they want to believe, to an extent, that you are an ideal guy. They want life to be like the movies. So, if they get too many clues, they can figure out the ending and they'll leave, because there's no way you can be the man that they think you are. Figuring it all out spoils their fun and spooks the hell out of them, because the world is never as they hope it will be. You need to keep a little of yourself in reserve.

Avoid discussing certain parts of your life, even if they seem unimportant. Discuss your friends only in terms of anecdotes that come up in conversation. Don't talk about your family, and don't let her meet your family for quite a while! Meeting your family can drastically alter a girl's opinion of you, especially if you haven't established to her what kind of person you really are. She might see you as a vulnerable child rather than an independent man who's in control of his own life. Meeting your friends can do the same, and often friends, while well intentioned, can reveal things about you that are a turnoff to her.

Also remember that women like mystery. They aren't “up-front” like guys, who prefer to gather all the information that they can about a situation and make sound judgments based on this. No, they would rather be in the dark about someone and assuming the one they were with was their “fantasy” guy . The more you hold back, the better the mystery.

Not only that, women can't stand it when a man is more attracted to her than she is to him, so if you have other interests or friends, she'll try to compete. Think of the "buying a car" analogy. You don't walk on to the lot, pick the car you want, then go on and on to the salesperson about how awesome it is and how much you want it, and how you'll do anything to get it. The best thing to do is to make the salesman think you are RELUCTANT, and carefully hide your cards. That's just for cars. Relationships are MUCH more important. Especially at the beginning, you have to put yourself in a position of negotiation. Even if she tells you she loves you, and even if you love her, for heaven's sake, DON'T tell her on the same day (or week, or month) that she tells you! Make her work for it. Wait at least a month or more after she tells you before you open up to her with this information. Remember, many women lack confidence and a good self-image (hence, the constant lamenting about being “fat”), so if they think you are incredibly attracted to them, they'll wonder why and lose their confidence in you.

And don't waver about not being able to tell her. Let her know you're flattered, but that's all. If she presses you, just tell her you're not willing to commit to that degree right now. Immediately mention, in the nicest, but most unapologetic way that you can, that if this isn't acceptable to her, you don't expect her to hang around and wait on you. That way, you beat her to the punch of “threatening” you with her departure. And of course, if she DOES leave, that means that you'll be better off without her, because she's only trying to control you anyway, and if she accomplishes this, it will destroy whatever relationship you have. Stand firm. If she's really interested, she'll come back. You need to appear confident enough that she sees you'll be fine without her. She'll spend her time trying to make herself indispensable to you.

Don't worry about walking away from a relationship, especially at first. I like to think about it this way...people who invest money rarely do so without extensive research, planning, and study. They watch for any indication for things that are going wrong, so that they can protect themselves. And, when things start going bad, they get out. Why should it be any different in a relationship? You should be even more protective of yourself in a situation such as this. Many times, even if you do walk away, she might just come running back to you.

You've been alone before, and it hasn't killed you. But, if you get hooked up with the wrong woman, you know how it can suck the life right out of you. Take your time and DON'T act as if you need to keep the relationship alive at all costs. This is where lots of guys abandon the plan and do what they feel is necessary to keep a girl around. You're just running on borrowed time if you start giving in and revert to your old behaviors. There were girls around before her, and there will be girls around after. It sounds cold, but this is the way you have to look at it. It is vitally important to the success of your relationship that you be more important to her than she is to you, and a big part of this is being willing to walk away if you see things that scare you.

Another point...those in our society who have tried to feminize men over the past few decades have come to believe that it is okay for a man to cry. It is, but NEVER IN FRONT OF A WOMAN (as if I have to tell you this!). I have NEVER seen this end any way but disastrously; in fact, I saw a rather effeminate guy once who was brought to tears in mixed group by his girlfriend once. She responded by saying, "Quit your crying," as a mother would to a child. It was clearly a turn-off for her...her man being there in a ball of tears and she having to take control of the situation. Everyone was staring, not saying a word. Embarrassing all around, and a sure sign that things are going down the shitter. If you do this, thinking it will make her realize how bad she's hurt you or something else, you'll probably have irreparably damaged your relationship. Women don't like to see their protectors in a vulnerable state. Don't let them.

That having been said, I'm not so stupid as to believe that men don't get hurt enough to cry, especially nice guys. But save the tears for when you're home by yourself.

Be Irrational

Mystery, as I said before, is an essential requirement for women. Unfortunately, most guys are way too straightforward to be mysterious. Hell, as Jeff Foxworthy said, "We just want a beer and to see something nekkid". Most (but not all) men are secure enough to be happy in most situations. But, for women to be content, they seemingly require the planets to be perfectly aligned, the barometric pressure to be in the right range, tides at the correct level, and so on. It is your job, in order to keep your woman guessing, and therefore happy, to do something irrational from time to time in order to generate mystery. There are several ways to do this, especially early in the relationship:

Get off the phone early without giving a reason why. Just say, “Well, I gotta go now”. If she presses, tell her you have to make another phone call, or you have to go somewhere. This tells her that you might not be as wrapped around her finger as she thinks you are.

Don't call her for a few days and volunteer very little when you finally do talk to her. I've seen this in action...it works. A female friend of mine once shared her experiences with me when this happened to her. Of course, she was miffed at him, but she kept reiterating to me how much she loved this guy and how she wished he'd call her. She got so worked up that she started calling him, in fact.

If she asks you why you haven't called, say something like, “I've been so busy for the past few days,” and DON'T apologize for this under any circumstances. If she presses it, calmly state that you think she's being irrational, then end the conversation. Just say, “I have to go.”. Of course, she'll suspect that you're trying to get rid of her, but this will signal to her that bitching will not be a part of the conversation, and that you'd rather risk a confrontation than to sit and make lame excuses. If she presses, just restate that you have to go as nicely as possible and politely excuse yourself. Remember, if you get defensive and become hostile, in her mind you've justified her anger with you.

Leave town for a day or two without telling her beforehand. Be vague about where you were and don't offer details.

Casually mention a female acquaintance in a positive way. This makes women wonder, and it also suggests that someone else might be taking some sort of interest in you. She'll be trying to figure out where she stands with you, and will work harder to be in the number one spot. Or, better yet, bring in a "ringer", an attractive, female friend to swoon over you on command, if it is understood that you are not dating one another exclusively. Heck, even steering a situation where you have a chance to make idle conversation with another attractive woman can get really good results. I've used this a few times and it works surprisingly well. Once, I was walking with a girl that I was interested in, and I ran into an acquaintance that was extremely attractive. I said hello and a few words to her, and as we walked away, the girl I was with almost fell over herself to tell me, totally out of the blue, that this girl had a boyfriend and that they were very serious. If you hear this kind of response from "your" girl, then this technique is working!

Occasionally, refuse to compromise on something relatively minor, especially something to which you can clearly attribute your stubbornness to a matter of principle. And NEVER compromise on anything truly important to you.

“Good heavens!” you say. “You mean I have to act like an asshole?” Sure I do. Why should the assholes have all the fun?

Throw these kinds of behaviors in from time to time. Women can relate to them. They pride themselves on being mysterious, when truly, it is more accurate to say they are incomprehensible. They have a hard time relating to logical creatures, because 90 percent or more of what they do is driven by emotion. She shouldn't be able to figure you out. She doesn't WANT to figure you out. To do so puts her in a position of control, and this scares her to death. She can't find security in someone she can see through. They want a guy to be a challenge, and the instant they see you aren't, they're going to lose interest.

On the other hand, if you back away, she'll move closer. Think of how this has worked for you...what has happened in the past when that girl of your dreams doesn't return your call or email, drops the name of a male acquaintance, or comes back from out of town with very little information? You go nuts wondering what the hell is going on. You might as well use this to your advantage and have a little fun with it too.

Something important to remember...women are BIG on people's perception of them. They don't like to be in any situation in which they are embarrassed or the focus of attention for the wrong reasons. Keep in mind that the things you are doing are at least partly designed to introduce conflict. If that conflict comes to a head in public, you can't win, even if you win. Never get into a conflict with a woman in public or in front of people she feels are important, such as her friends or family. If possible, tell her that you will discuss it with her another time. If she continues, walk away.

Be Selfish

Guys who are “givers” tend to become doormats quickly. Keep accommodating and you'll soon find yourself being stepped on at every turn, and eventually you will be discarded. This is why occasionally, you need to be selfish. Show a woman that you'll stand up for yourself and she'll be even more attracted to you. I'm not saying that you should try to get your way all the time. But, make sure you're getting your fair share (or perhaps a little more) out of the relationship. As I said earlier, in every argument, one person will come out ahead. That person might as well be you.

Gifts are out, at least at first, and should be used sparingly thereafter. Remember, the fewer gifts you give, the more each will mean. And, for Pete's sake, don't show up for a first date with flowers or chocolates! You might as well tell her that you worship her and are willing to humiliate yourself to win her affection. Women don't respect guys who worship them. When, after a few months, you do start giving gifts, only give something small, and then only every few months. The same with compliments...use them sparingly. Remember, if your supply is high, her demand will be low.

Opening doors is another no-no, at least at first. Suckers do this. Remember, if everything goes perfectly smoothly, you're in big trouble. There's nothing wrong with a little tension, even on a first date. Don't apologize if she calls you on it. Just ask, "Are you not a liberated woman?" What answer could she possibly give? If she says yes, then she's agreed that you shouldn't open the door...if she says no, then ask her if she is submissive, something that women LOVE to be, but loathe to admit openly. If she says, "Yes, but...", tell her she's contradicting herself. During all of this, grin like you're amused and make her squirm. Then smile at her in a way that lets her know it was fully your intention to let her open her own door, and move on. DON'T get defensive...this is an indictation to her that you're getting rattled. If she sees that you get shaken this easily, she'll lose interest. Keep it light and allow her an easy way out. If she continues to push it or remains upset, get rid of her ASAP. You don't need that.

Keep in mind, however, that you won't get into these conflicts in public, so be careful in selecting where this happens if possible.

Remember that she doesn't want to be able to control you physically or emotionally. Seeing if you'll open the door for her is a test, and if you do it, you fail. Turn it around. Use it as an occasion to test her, and if she fails, think hard about proceeding further. If a woman is really interested, she won't let a little thing like not opening a door get in the way of a relationship with you.

Don't Believe Her

When a woman says what she wants in terms of the relationship, give her the exact opposite. Women like to think they are rational creatures, so they will give what they believe to be logical answers, even if they know them to be complete lies.

I don't think most women say, “I'm going to say the exact opposite of what I truly believe.” It's far more complex than that. The truth is, women don't KNOW what they want, so they say whatever sounds good so they can feel better about themselves. But, if you carefully watch their actions, you'll soon realize that they don't have the faintest idea what they want, and whatever they SAY sure isn't “it”. If she says she wants a nice guy who is caring and sensitive, you need to remain rational, focused and coldly logical. She'll look for the qualities in you that she doesn't have herself. In this way, she feels she can compensate for her own shortcomings.

Don't Waver

If this plan works for you, you should NEVER give it up. It is stupid to assume that you can display one set of qualities to attract a woman, then adopt a totally different persona when the relationship is in full gear. She'll quickly become bored and start to miss the guy that she was initially attracted to. Keep doing the things you were doing when you met her, and don't let your guard down for a minute.

If you don't do this, she'll begin to push you on many of the issues that crop up, and if you begin to revert to a “nice guy”, she'll undoubtedly be as insecure about you as she is about herself, and she will eventually leave.

Bottom line: if you want to do this, you might just have to do it forever. So, make sure you have your shit together before you start.

Be firm

Women don't want a guy they can bend...that's why you'll have to think out all decisions you make as carefully as possible, because once you decide on them, you won't be going back. Of course, if you make a REALLY stupid decision, you might do yourself more harm than good by continuing on the course you've chosen. That's why you have to think carefully...even to the point of pondering what she might ask you and preparing your response carefully beforehand. The best way to do this is to think of the questions you've been asked on dates before and formulate an answer in advance. Make sure you have everything carefully thought out and all your bases are covered. If you do make a mistake, don't just cave in. Think about it for a few days. The clearer you make it that you think for yourself and can't be easily swayed, even by her, the less she'll challenge you.

If she argues with you over something, stand your ground. If she comes around to seeing it your way, NEVER apologize for the manner in which you conducted yourself. This assumes of course, that you didn't get excited and say a bunch of things that you shouldn't have. Never get personal, and never make her think that she is important enough that you have to raise your voice. Keep in control. If you get all fired up, she'll know that she's gotten to you. This is letting her win, and you need to realize that SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WIN! Of course, she doesn't just want to be a pushover and take everything you say for granted, either, so she will press you. Be a little tough on her. She'll appreciate it in the long run.

Conclusion

I have used bits and pieces of each one of these techniques, and they always work beautifully. But if you're not consistent, you can't pull it off, and once you've lost the upper hand, it is nearly impossible to get it back.

There are probably many who read this who will say that none of this will work on the girl that they are interested in. “She's not like that,” they'll say. Of course she isn't, especially at first. But, if you're a doormat, you will see a change in your girl after the first few months, and you won't like it. Mark my words. It will happen.

That having been said, it may not work on every girl. I don't know every girl, so I can't say for sure. But, at the same time, I would feel safer doing these things than not doing them, because to this point I haven't yet encountered a girl who didn't fit the predictable mold.

Generally speaking, you'll probably be more successful using this method than without.

I've created a message board so you can send feedback about how anything I've written has worked for you. If this philosophy is similar to anything you've been doing in relationships in the past, I'd be interested in hearing about the results.