Saturday, January 03, 2004
http://www.nocturnalangel2.blogspot.com
ten things i hate about myself...
10. i bite my nails
09. i take hours to shower
08. i'm a friendster addict
07. i'm a natural born talker
06. i easily get carried away
05. i'm a hopeless romantic (which makes everyone wana puke!)
04. i'm a loose cannon when driving (which explains why i never have the courage to book an exam)
03. i have a sweet tooth
02. i do exactly the opposite of what you tell me to do
01. i'm so lazy i can see my ass gets bigger by the minute...
10. i bite my nails
09. i take hours to shower
08. i'm a friendster addict
07. i'm a natural born talker
06. i easily get carried away
05. i'm a hopeless romantic (which makes everyone wana puke!)
04. i'm a loose cannon when driving (which explains why i never have the courage to book an exam)
03. i have a sweet tooth
02. i do exactly the opposite of what you tell me to do
01. i'm so lazy i can see my ass gets bigger by the minute...
it's my day off today, all i did was just bummed around the house and spent my day in front of the computer and basically just surfed non stop. i also talked to my boyfriend of two years and seven months. i don't really get along with mac that well these past few weeks. we're just basically in each other's throat. he would say really bad stuff about me. i know i'm a bit of tease as well, i'm a sitting time bomb ready to explode. i give him the reasons to say nasty stuff, but that doesn't compensate the fact that he needs to respect me. which he doesn't. i've been with him for the longest time and i've tolerated this for God knows how long. The thing is, i love this man more than anything. He gives me something that no other person can ever give me. I thought at first that love is enough to keep the relationship going... I'm not too sure now. I think I had been blinded by excitement, intimacy, infatuation and danger that i overlooked the small thing that matters the most - RESPECT. The way he talks to me, it makes me want to vomit!
He's like a drug, you know it's bad for you, yet you still want more. Or like smoking, it's killing you gently, you know deep down, it'll kill you, but you don't care, because at the moment, you're enjoying the nicotine and the soothing sensation of a drag. Never mind the ocassional cough and sinuses, it'll go away. As long as it's in your system, it's all good.
My relationship with mac is slowly going downhill, I know I love him more than anything, but I don't think I he loves me enough to respect me. Who am I to talk, I don't respect him either. It's probably because of the fact that he doesn't respect me. I don't know, I'm so confuse! I should break it off and just start my life anew. But a bigger part of me wanted this to work out. But how can I work this out when he calls me names and talks to me in a way that I can't even begin to describe???
I know what to do though, tomorrow I'll go back to the shop where I bought the sandals I was planning on giving him and return it. I don't think he deserves it, if he keeps on treating me this way, I'm just going to let him. I'll let him treat me the way he's treating me now, until I reach my limit and just walk out of our relationship. Because there's no point in asking him to change or push myself to change. We're two different people and we can't change for the other, so i'm just gona go with the flow and just let him be, and i'll be me and we'll see who gives up. I've put too much effort in this relationship, I'm not willing to let go, at least not yet. But when the time comes, that it's really necessary for me to walk away.. I think I can handle it.. Frankly, I don't see myself, being married to this guy. He's insecure, egotistical, and insensitive. I'll just let him think that he's the one for me until he's given up. It'll be easier for me if he leaves me. I have my life here, with a promising future and an education to speak of. I love him and everything, but if he would keep on telling me I'm GAGO AND TARANTADO.. I'll be ok.
I'd be hurt if the time comes that we really have to say goodbye, but I'd be alright. I'd be hurt for about four weeks or months, but eventually, I'd be fine. That's the only consolation I have if ever we break up. The fact that I'd be a better person and that I'd be alright after all these...
My mum absolutely hates him right now. She was standing behind me reading over my shoulders when mac wrote the words GAGO and TARANTADO. She got the front seat view of what mac is capable of saying. And she's seething beyond beliefs. I don't blame her though, she wants what's best for me and she's not gona sit around and let her daughter take the abuse from a guy.
I hate myself for not having any power over my emotions. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, i'd wake up and would be strong enough to say goodbye. But not now, I'm still too weak of a person to stand on my own. I still love him and I would still take him back, but I would be stronger, and I would be able to say goodbye to mac sooner or later...
He's like a drug, you know it's bad for you, yet you still want more. Or like smoking, it's killing you gently, you know deep down, it'll kill you, but you don't care, because at the moment, you're enjoying the nicotine and the soothing sensation of a drag. Never mind the ocassional cough and sinuses, it'll go away. As long as it's in your system, it's all good.
My relationship with mac is slowly going downhill, I know I love him more than anything, but I don't think I he loves me enough to respect me. Who am I to talk, I don't respect him either. It's probably because of the fact that he doesn't respect me. I don't know, I'm so confuse! I should break it off and just start my life anew. But a bigger part of me wanted this to work out. But how can I work this out when he calls me names and talks to me in a way that I can't even begin to describe???
I know what to do though, tomorrow I'll go back to the shop where I bought the sandals I was planning on giving him and return it. I don't think he deserves it, if he keeps on treating me this way, I'm just going to let him. I'll let him treat me the way he's treating me now, until I reach my limit and just walk out of our relationship. Because there's no point in asking him to change or push myself to change. We're two different people and we can't change for the other, so i'm just gona go with the flow and just let him be, and i'll be me and we'll see who gives up. I've put too much effort in this relationship, I'm not willing to let go, at least not yet. But when the time comes, that it's really necessary for me to walk away.. I think I can handle it.. Frankly, I don't see myself, being married to this guy. He's insecure, egotistical, and insensitive. I'll just let him think that he's the one for me until he's given up. It'll be easier for me if he leaves me. I have my life here, with a promising future and an education to speak of. I love him and everything, but if he would keep on telling me I'm GAGO AND TARANTADO.. I'll be ok.
I'd be hurt if the time comes that we really have to say goodbye, but I'd be alright. I'd be hurt for about four weeks or months, but eventually, I'd be fine. That's the only consolation I have if ever we break up. The fact that I'd be a better person and that I'd be alright after all these...
My mum absolutely hates him right now. She was standing behind me reading over my shoulders when mac wrote the words GAGO and TARANTADO. She got the front seat view of what mac is capable of saying. And she's seething beyond beliefs. I don't blame her though, she wants what's best for me and she's not gona sit around and let her daughter take the abuse from a guy.
I hate myself for not having any power over my emotions. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, i'd wake up and would be strong enough to say goodbye. But not now, I'm still too weak of a person to stand on my own. I still love him and I would still take him back, but I would be stronger, and I would be able to say goodbye to mac sooner or later...
something i wrote from livejournal on the 31st of december.. but i decided to just be a blogger instead.. read on....
i just woke up with the worst thought. 2003 is saying goodbye, and i did a bit of reflecting to see if i did something to be proud of, i only came up with one - i graduated. i know you're saying that it's a good thing, but not for me. having to graduating means i need to actually grow up. i need to look into 2004 and get an actual job - like an office job, which by the way, scares the wits out of me. i don't know if i can handle it. i'm happy being nineteen and working at a fast food restaurant and being able to buy everything i want. i don't want too much responsibility just yet.. is that too much to ask??
i had to work tonight, from 5-10 but knowing my roster manager, he would probably ask me to stay back till midnight because it's "probably going to get busy" (with his squally accent! grrr....). don't get me wrong, i love my life and everything. i think i'm truly blessed. i really do. it's just that complications just started popping everywhere, and i can't hear myself think. i never really fully understand how mature people manage to have a demanding career, go home to their partners and still be happy. too much complications... trust me.
i watched nip tuck last night. this really nasty series about two plastic surgeons. one surgeon is julian mcmahon, the aussie schmuck that played cole in charmed before. he's now doctor christian troy. in the series, he's one helluva babe that sleeps with his patients. he's portrayed as an insensitive asshole who doesn't care about women't feeling.. just his own. i kinda liked the plot. truly, unique. plus, there are a few lesbian scenes every now and then, and that keeps me goin'. ;) i think it's great that american television is actually embracing the fact that we, humans are evolving. no more sex discrimination being thrown all over the place. don't get me wrong, i'm straight as a pole, it just intrigues me to actually experience other people's lilfestyles. it's exciting, dangerous.. IT'S SEXY!! i'm too much of a prude to be involve in same sex relationship, but i respect them. i don't really support it, but hey, it's a free planet, they can do whatever they please. i guess what i'm saying is, over the year, i actually realised that a lot of things had changed, not just me, but all around. all we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride...see where it takes us. i'm kind of a coaster, i just sit and relax and just let nature takes its course. i never resent all the decisions i make in my life. so i screwed up a couple of times, so what? it's not the end of the world. i can learn my lessons from my mistake and i would be a better person.
2004 will be a different year for me. i can feel it. it's gonna be a gamble. it's either, i'll be great with what i do, or i'll start taking my life seriously. either way, i've already won.
i just woke up with the worst thought. 2003 is saying goodbye, and i did a bit of reflecting to see if i did something to be proud of, i only came up with one - i graduated. i know you're saying that it's a good thing, but not for me. having to graduating means i need to actually grow up. i need to look into 2004 and get an actual job - like an office job, which by the way, scares the wits out of me. i don't know if i can handle it. i'm happy being nineteen and working at a fast food restaurant and being able to buy everything i want. i don't want too much responsibility just yet.. is that too much to ask??
i had to work tonight, from 5-10 but knowing my roster manager, he would probably ask me to stay back till midnight because it's "probably going to get busy" (with his squally accent! grrr....). don't get me wrong, i love my life and everything. i think i'm truly blessed. i really do. it's just that complications just started popping everywhere, and i can't hear myself think. i never really fully understand how mature people manage to have a demanding career, go home to their partners and still be happy. too much complications... trust me.
i watched nip tuck last night. this really nasty series about two plastic surgeons. one surgeon is julian mcmahon, the aussie schmuck that played cole in charmed before. he's now doctor christian troy. in the series, he's one helluva babe that sleeps with his patients. he's portrayed as an insensitive asshole who doesn't care about women't feeling.. just his own. i kinda liked the plot. truly, unique. plus, there are a few lesbian scenes every now and then, and that keeps me goin'. ;) i think it's great that american television is actually embracing the fact that we, humans are evolving. no more sex discrimination being thrown all over the place. don't get me wrong, i'm straight as a pole, it just intrigues me to actually experience other people's lilfestyles. it's exciting, dangerous.. IT'S SEXY!! i'm too much of a prude to be involve in same sex relationship, but i respect them. i don't really support it, but hey, it's a free planet, they can do whatever they please. i guess what i'm saying is, over the year, i actually realised that a lot of things had changed, not just me, but all around. all we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride...see where it takes us. i'm kind of a coaster, i just sit and relax and just let nature takes its course. i never resent all the decisions i make in my life. so i screwed up a couple of times, so what? it's not the end of the world. i can learn my lessons from my mistake and i would be a better person.
2004 will be a different year for me. i can feel it. it's gonna be a gamble. it's either, i'll be great with what i do, or i'll start taking my life seriously. either way, i've already won.
the song that's been in my head for the longest time....
So into you
TAMIA
With every passing moment
Thoughts of you run through my head
Every time that I'm near you
I realize that you're heaven sent, baby
I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together, you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh baby
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
It could be the way that you hold me
It could be the things that you say
(That you say)
Oh, I'm not too sure what it is boy
But I know I like feeling this way, hey
I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together, you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh baby
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like what I feel when I'm with you
You're a dream come true
Don't you ever leave my side
Cuz it feels so right
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like
I'm so into you
I'm so into you
Oh, I'm so into you
So into you
TAMIA
With every passing moment
Thoughts of you run through my head
Every time that I'm near you
I realize that you're heaven sent, baby
I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together, you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh baby
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
It could be the way that you hold me
It could be the things that you say
(That you say)
Oh, I'm not too sure what it is boy
But I know I like feeling this way, hey
I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together, you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh baby
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like what I feel when I'm with you
You're a dream come true
Don't you ever leave my side
Cuz it feels so right
I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you
I really like
I'm so into you
I'm so into you
Oh, I'm so into you
Happy new year everyone! only thirteen more days to go before i go back to the philippines....
