anatomy of the away message, dEan&bEn, away message, aim
update 10/5
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thanks to everyone for the support, and keep on rocking aways!
dont lie. everybody does it. you know youve done it. in fact, youve probably done it today. you might be doing it right now.
youre checking away messages, arent you?
dont deny it, its not your fault. everybody knows that using aim is king, and away messages are its queen. you are just the silly pawn caught in the middle.
you check your friends from home. you check your brothers and sisters. you check the kid you worked with two summers ago at that camp. you check that girl that was in your study group last semester. and we know, even though it hurts, you check your ex's everyday and painfully reflect on love lost.
...or maybe not that.
either way, however the cards are dealt, youre guilty, and we know it. but were not here to judge. we know how addicting it is to check away messages. so we have decided to take it upon ourselves and make an easy-to-read guide about away messages. before you lies evidence into the mind of the modern day aim-er.
so sit back, relax, and minimize your buddy list. cuz we know you have screen names of people youve never even met. and we know you check their away messages too...
straight-to-the-pointer
this is the first example of away message that aim-ers use. its often short, but extremely descriptive. you get everything you need out of this message. theres no cryptic bullshit involved here. when this message is used, the aim-er wants people to know what they are doing, and keeps you in suspense until they return to their computer so you can find out how that class went, or how many reps they did at the gym, or how the food was at the dining hall tonight. the most basic of all away messages, it is also the most user-friendly, which is evident because 99.99% of aim-ers use this one on a daily basis.
here, but like, not here
this second example really has no reason to exist. if youre at your computer, then theres no need for an away message. if youre doing something like, say, typing a paper, then at least put up an away that says something like "typing a paper". putting up "here but not here" is basically saying, "im so desperate for someone to IM me, so ill persuade them into bugging me by putting up this away! its brilliant!" dont be a douchebag and tell everyone whats up, idiot.
situational quoter
every single person on the face of the earth (except maybe the illiterate ones) have some quote that means something to them. and thats fine. but to have a quote for every single event that happens in their fucking life is just down-right retarded. in this example, we can see a simple 2 part formula (in no particular order):
quote that this many people care about: zero.
aim-er text about something that just happened that they feel everybody and their mother needs to know about.
now we can excuse the first timer. its the repeat offenders that drive us up the wall. how is it possible that you can find a quote that fits every single event in your life? or rather, do you base your life around works of literature and movies so you can say "OMG that just happened to me, just like in my favorite book and/or movie, now i can quote it! i love the internet!!!!1". stop using other peoples words to express yourself and get some fucking creativity.
bi-polar lover
poor poor bi-polar lover. youve been waiting your whole life to find this true love. and now that you have it, you change your mind about it at least once a day. and lucky for us, its all documented in your away messages! talk about convenience! this type of message is often used by high school students and really immature teenagers, but dont think that college students are immune either. if youre in a relationship with another person, youre subject to use this, and once you get the disease, there is no cure. like herpes. but not as gross.
the only redeeming quality of these away messages is that its rather entertaining to watch everything unfold. spectators can often watch a relationship unravel in just a matter of days. just think of the money youll be saving by watching this instead of going to the movies!
the smileys
what in the fuck.
these aways consist of just one emoticon, or if youre feeling particularly randy, two or more. *gasp* sunglasses smiley? maybe youre at the beach, and your corneas cant take all the UV rays. foot in mouth? maybe you ate some bad beef, and youre now dying. dollar sign? maybe you just swallowed a roll of quarters on a dare. a smiley in an away message is just a way of saying "im too dumb to think of something to write here."
but its worse than that. there are now hundreds of smileys you can download and use. werent 16 smileys enough to satisfy you people?! how many emoticons are you feeling on a daily basis?! and now, there are animated smileys, so we can watch your stupid crap smiley away message move. oh joy, cancel my plans tonight, something much more interesting just came up.
void of information
there is no definitive IM here. this category exists when people write something in an away message that gives absolutely no clue to their whereabouts and activities. reaching the aim-er is of absolutely no importance with this away message. clearly they dont want you to know what theyre doing, unless they specifically want you to know and told you in advance. some aim-ers never use this style; others only use this. its the universial away message style, one thats user-friendly and absolutely void of information.
conversation quoter
occasionally during an aim conversation, somebody will say something so funny, so stupid, or so important, that you feel the world would be worse off if it didnt read it. thank godness for copy+paste! with the simple pressing of a few keys, you broadcast your message across the internet, enlightening aim-ers around the world. who knows what amazing things will result!
unfortunately, this is the mindset of the conversational quoter. the truth is, nobody really gives a fuck. sure, it could be really funny to you and your friend, but trust me when we say, it pretty much ends there. since when did away messages become vessels for inside jokes? oh yeah, when you crawled out of the primordial ooze and picked up a keyboard.
the list
this is a recent epidemic that seems to be sweeping the fast-paced world of people with a lot of things to do during the day. fortunately for us, writing them all down in your away message is one of those things! break out the bubbly! the list is the hot new thing to do, because sometimes people really are busy, and may not be available for awhile. however, even with each busy schedule, there still is time to strikeout every item thats been accomplished. they might complain later about not having time to eat all day, but theres definitely time to come back to the room and update their away!
were more than just a little concerned with this trend. we see far too many pretty girls falling victim to this crime. hopefully, scientists and government agents are working quickly to help eradicate the problem. if you feel as if youre coming down with "the list", contact your local poison control center as soon as possible.
the 24/7 PDA
the 24/7 PDA is related to the bi-polar lover because both styles involve a message to a significant other. short for "public display of affection", the 24/7 PDA is that little lovey-dovey message at the bottom of every. single. away. whether its "i luv u", or "miss you q.t.", everyone all thinks the same thing:
shut the fuck up.
its hard to understand why this footnote is necessary. are you so insecure about your relationship that you must repeatedly assure your boyfriend or girlfriend of your feelings towards them? hell, if thats the case, do what people did before the internet was created, and pick up a fucking phone and call them. that way, the only person who has to deal with your shit is your significant other. but thats why you two are together anyways.
story time
if hemingway were alive, he would be the only person allowed to use this away message. but last time we checked, he is really fucking dead. unfortunately, this away isnt. were not sure whats worse: the fact that someone writes a fucking novel as an away message whenever something pointless happens ("but what if its not pointless?" you may ask. trust us, its always pointless), or the fact that we always read it. nothing raises the ol' blood pressure like realizing you just wasted 5 minutes reading about how ugly that guy was in the dining hall who tripped and spilled food all over the cute quaterback your friend slept with last week. if someone were to poll students about how much reading they do, the results would probably look like this:
call the cell
now before you jump down our throats, let us explain why this away is here. putting "call the cell" in an away message is fine. however, there are things about it which allow it to make this site. heres a short list of these things:
1. wildly inappropiate
face it people, there are just some times when it is not ok to call someones cell. in the shower, during quiet meditation, at a funeral. the same goes with putting it in an away: if you shouldnt be getting calls, then dont put it in the away. seriously, some times it just looks so stupid when youre granting permission to call the cell as youre deep-sea diving or mining for gold in the california badlands.
2. variations of the phrase
apparently the phrase "call the cell" just isnt cool enough anymore. wild variations such as "cell it", "lemme hear it ring!", and "make that shit vibrate" are popular nowadays, which is great. its like instead of using the phrase "hi", its now perfectly ok to say "start talking to me now". using any variation of "call the cell" is the equivilent of baking a cake, then shitting in it.
begging for sympathy
everybody has the occasionally bad day. stress is building, your workload seems never-ending. everybody has different ways of dealing with this. if youre the person who makes an away begging for people to feel sorry for you, then please wear a tin foil hat, so we know who to look for and beat the crap out of. nothing screams "im a little kid, pepper me with compliments!" like a message seeking pity from others. yeah, it sucks when youre having a bad day. but you dont see us crying for attention. shut up and deal with it.
this will never end. it will never grow old. as long as people use aim, there will be away messages. and as long as there are away messages, this site will exist. we mean not to offend, but away message awareness is important for everybody. please, if you take anything away from this site, let it be this:
people judge you by the caliber of your away messages. so be careful what you type. as youre checking someones away message, someone else could be checking yours.
