Like I said, I'm living with it.
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: What's working right now.
My first year of marriage was basically sexless.

My husband had about 11 porn videos, and a couple of Playboys when I married him. I could deal with that. I came from a VERY Christian home, so I was very interested in the kinky aspect of watching people have sex on TV. My husband and I were a married now, though, so I just assumed that anything to do with sex would be between BOTH of us. I figured that we'd watch porn together.

In fact, we'd only been married a couple of days, when I said, "Do you have any porn?" He shyly admitted that he did, so I asked to see some of it. We sat together naked on the couch, and watched a few scenes, while kissing and cuddling with one another...but very quickly ended up in the bedroom.

I thought porn was fun. I thought that I was sexy for being willing to watch it with him.

Then, one day, he wanted me to go down on him, and I really wasn't in the mood. So he put in a porno to masturbate while I watched. It was so exciting that I ended up going down on him like he wanted.

Then, one day, I saw a little postcard for Playboy. I asked him flat out if he was ordering it. He said no.

Very soon after that, we were in the car together running errands, and I saw that little postcard for Playboy mixed in with the bills we were mailing out. I said, "I thought you said you weren't ordering Playboy!" he said, "I'm not, I'm sending that in for my uncle." I said, "But your name is on it..." he said, "That's because they sent it to me...but it's for him."

Like an idiot in love, I believed him.

A couple of months later, I was putting toilet paper under his bathroom sink, and found a current Playboy.

Oh, I got such a sinking feeling when I remembered that just the day before he'd locked himself in the bathroom for 20 minutes, claiming he had diarrha.

*insert: just thinking about all this makes me physically ill...I just went to the bathroom and lost my lunch*

I didn't mention my discovery right away...because quite frankly, I didn't know what to make of it. He's a grown man, so he should be able to look at whatever he wants...but to want to look at other naked women!? I was CRUSHED!

The next day, I was dressed to go and visit my mom. I don't remember how the situation arose, but I confronted him with the Playboy. He got angry, and I don't remember what he said, but it was to the tune of, "Get out." So I walked out the door.

He ran after me and stopped me, and begged me to stay home and work it out...so we did. He said that the Playboy WAS his uncle's, and that he was just curious and looked at it.

I could deal with that.

Funny thing is, he kept every Playboy after that.

Then, the worst thing that could've happened happened. I listened to my mother.

She wanted to give me her old computer so we could email each other. I didn't want it. I don't know WHY I didn't want it (still to this day, I'm not sure why I didn't want it) I just did not want the internet.

She insisted.

I finally accepted her generous offer of her old computer, and hooked up to the internet. My mom had a small request though...if we ever decided to buy a new computer, she wanted her old one back.

Nooooo problem.

Soon after we got the computer from my mom, it started getting viruses. One day, I opened the internet, and a porn page was set as the home page. I called my husband over, and asked if he'd done it. He said he didn't. I just assumed it was some kind of glitch, and set it back to yahoo.com.

However, our sex life changed horribly. He couldn't keep it up for me.

We never had sex. In fact, six months after our wedding day, we went and entire MONTH without sex. I was so confused! I had no idea what I was doing wrong.

My husband was about to come into some money, and he suggested we buy a new computer system when we got the extra cash. I thought that was a good idea...especially since the one Mom gave me kept getting viruses.

A week before we bought our new computer, my husband came to me and asked, "Is there any way to delete the stuff in the yahoo search box before we give it back to your mom?"

??????????????????????

I said, "I'm not sure...what do we have to hide?"

He didn't site anything specific, just that he didn't want her nosing through our searches.

OoooooK?

I asked the computer guy at work, and he filled me in on how to get rid of the history, etc.

I went home, and curiously scrolled through the yahoo search bar.

Boy, what I found DEVISTATED me.

He had searches for porn, sex, free sex, boobs, sexy boobs, sexy naked women, and any other kind of porn related search you can think of.

So I'd just went an entire month without sex, and my husband was looking at every naked bimbo on the internet!!!

I called a lawyer.

He was pretty upset with me, saying, "It's not a big deal! I don't need sex!"

I'm like, "YOU may not need sex, BUT I DO!!!" I mean, I didn't get married to be CELEBATE!!!

Yeah, you jerk, you don't need sex because you are screwing every woman in the world with your BRAIN!

He promised no more porn though, and I believed him.

But we still never had sex!

So I asked the computer guy at work again about finding stuff that he's looked at, and he told me about cookies.

So I checked the cookies...and found what I already knew would be there. PORN!

So my husband doesn't want sex with me, but he wants to look at porn all the time! I don't get it! If he's so sexual that he can't get enough of sexy pictures, why doesn't he want sex.

Then I finally finally got it. He was masturbating to porn! I didn't realize that he was jacking off all the time...I thought that he was simply looking around.

If all finally added up. He couldn't keep it up for me, because he was wasting all of his perfectly good erections on PORN!!!

I was furious.

I demanded that there be no more porn in the house.

I threw out all the Videos, and I threw out his Playboys.

He still looked on the internet though...and I still wasn't getting any sex.

Finally, after a heated argument, he took a hammer to the computer.

I thanked God.

Our sex life improved. Our entire relationship improved...for about four months.

I took a weekend trip. He was the most doting husband when I left, but when I got back, it was like he couldn't stand me!

He was mean to me for a week. I slept on the couch two nights in a row because he was so mean to me!

In those days, I went home for lunch every day. I would watch Soap Operas :) One day, I didn't get to watch the entire show before I had to go back to work, so I taped it. The next day, I went to put the tape in his VCR (his TV was bigger, so when he wasn't home, I'd watch his TV) but there was already a tape in there. I thought, "Did I forget and leave my tape in here from last week?" so I hit play to see what was on it.

Porn.

Oh, I was so sick to my stomach. I threw up. I went back to work, and called our cable company to see if any pay per view had been ordered. The weekend that I had went out of town, he had ordered 6 while I was gone, and taped them :(

To be continued...

Living with a Porn Addict: What has worked for me...for now.
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Living with a Porn Addict
Hello. I have been living with a porn addict for a little over two years. It is the most painful thing that I've ever had to do in my life. How horrible is it to fall in love with and marry a man, only to discover that he can't keep an erection long enough to make love to you. Then, when you are at your wits end, and can not figure out what's wrong with you, and what you are doing wrong, do you discover that he is masturbating to porn DAILY.

You feel so hurt. You feel so ugly. You feel neglected, uncherished, and unloved. The man that you promised your life and fidelity to is beating off to porn so much that he can't meet your sexual needs. In fact, he doesn't even want to have sex with you. You awake in the middle of the night, and reach for him, to find that he's not there. You peek down the hall, and see the light from the computer screen flashing, and you just know.

You plan to have lunch in bed with the man that you love, but you arrive home to find that he is not in the mood...and you just know. So you check the history on your computer, and you see that not twenty minutes before you arrived home, that he was looking at pictures of barely legal teens.

You get so angry, that you call a lawyer for a divorce. You are sick and tired of it. You're a newlywed for God's sake! You should be having sex every day, but your husband can't get it up for you!

BECAUSE OF PORN!

So you cry, and you beg him to stop. He promises that he will. Porn isn't that big of a deal, and he doesn't care to give it up for you.

But nothing changes. He still sneaks behind your back and looks...only this time, he deletes the history.

So then you learn about cookies. You check the cookies. He's not fooling anyone. He's gone from once a day, to sometimes three times a day, and you still aren't getting any.

You tell him that he's not fooling anyone, and that you know all about everything he sees, and you are sick of not having sex.

He promises to stop.

He doesn't stop.

You live in sexless misery. You don't understand. What's wrong with you that your own husband doesn't want to have sex with you!? Are your breasts not big enough??? Are you too fat!? Is your hair to short!? If he didn't want you, why did he marry you and put you through this!?!?

You slowly start to hate him...

This is my story. This is my life, and I'm going to share with you how I'm learning day by day to live with it.